The Millennium

Uh, excuse me.

Be with you in a minute. (turns her back to Elaine and continues into phone) No, you shoulda come last night, it was fun.

Uhm, I just have a question.

(into phone) I know, the margaritas in that place are so strong.

(walks up to counter) Helloo? I'd like to buy these hirachis.

(into phone) So? What else is goin' on?

(shouts) HEY!!

Listen, I'll call you back. (to Elaine) Yes? What can I do for you?

(tosses the hirachis onto the counter) Nothing. You, just lost a customer.

Ready to go? I don't wanna miss the previews.

Me neither. I love the previews. In fact I enjoy being in the theatre cut up(?). Last week after a preview, I yelled out 'Must miss'.

I think that I was in that theatre. That, that was really funny.

Yeah, it got a good laugh. Let me just check my messages before we go.

So you're on the speed dial?

After two dates!

What number?

Seven.

Wha! You know, it's a pain to change that. You gotta lift up that plastic thing with a pen.

Uh, hey buddy.

Hey.

It all right if I keep these here for a while? I'm having a New Year's Eve party.

You're gonna keep these here for eight months?!

No, Jerry. New Year's Eve nineteen ninety-nine. The millennium. I told you about that.

Kramer, you're gonna leave these chairs here for two and a half years?!

You're not gonna see 'em. I got a case of party poppers I'm gonna keep in front of 'em.

Hey, so get this. I get a call this morning from one of the Mets front office guys. They wanna take me out to lunch.

What for?

(smiling) I'm on a winning ball club, Jerry. They probably wanna pick my brains.

Really, why d'you think they're taking you out to lunch?

(thoughtful) I have no idea.

Alright, I have had it with those Mayans.

I don't mind the Mayans.

(unfolding chair) You know that store, Putumayo? (sits) I was trying to buy these hirachis, right, and the saleswoman just completely ignored me.

What, we talking hirachis? I know a great store for hirachis.

No, no, not Putumayo.

No, no. Cinqo de Mayo. (leaving) Yeah, Marcellino, he turned me on to it, and he's one sixty-fourth Mayan.

(slightly worried) You know, I'm starting to get a little nervous about this lunch.

What'd you have?

Yeah, I'm gonna keep these here too, huh? They'll be alright. (begins to leave)

Kramer, these balloons aren't gonna stay filled till New Year's!

(at the door) Well, those aren't for New Year's. Those are my everyday balloons.

George, we'll be blunt. The Mets need somebody to head up scouting, and we think that someone might be you.

(surprise) Head of scouting?

Interested?

(playing it cool) I'm still here.

Now, unfortunately, league rules prevent us from making you an offer while you're still under contract.

You understand what we're talking about?

So you're talking...

No, no.

We're *not* talking. We're just, talking.

So, you need me to get fired.

We didn't say that.

We couldn't say that, because even if we did...

...we couldn't say that we said it.

You see what we're saying?

(jokingly) You are still paying for this lunch?

(serious) We didn't say that.

Hi. Sorry I'm late. There's a lotta chairs and balloons in my apartment. How 'bout I make it up to you with dinner?

(pointedly) Someplace nice this time?

Yeah, I'm sorry about that Mongolian barbecue last night. I'd heard good things.

(rising) I don't know, got a two in Zagat's.

Lemme just check my messages. (to himself) Maybe a nicer girl called.

Hello?

Hello? Who's this?

Jane. What number did you dial?

Seven?

Hey! See these? (raises her foot so her new hirachis can be seen) Cinqo de Mayo! Sales commission, bye-bye-o! (waves)

(singing) Meet the Mets...

...meet the Mets. Come on in and greet the Mets.

Good meeting?

There was no meeting. (gets one of the folding chairs) But it was quite a meeting. You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting. The only thing is, I have to get fired from the Yankees first.

You can do that.

Of course. But I really wanna leave my mark this time, you know, uh. I wanna walk away from the Yankees with people saying 'Wow! Now that guy got canned!'

So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence?

Ehh. (nostalgic) Remember that summer at Dairy Queen where I cooled my feet in the soft-serve machine?

You think people will still be using napkins in the year two-thousand? Or is this mouth-vacuum thing for real?

So, George...

Yeah.

(rising) I had like a so-so date with Valerie, now I'm number nine on the speed-dial.

So?

So? I used to be seven. I dropped two spots.

What, she's ranking you?

Yeah, this speed-dial's like a relationship barometer.

What is a barometer exactly?

It's pronounced thermometer.

You know, in the year two-thousand, we'll all be on speed-dial. You'll just have to think of a person, they'll be talking to you. It'll be like, wup (judders and puts his hands to his temples, as if receiving a call on a 'mental phone') getting a call here.

(to Jerry and George) Hey, it's Newman. (to 'mental phone') Hey, how you doing, Newman?

(to 'mental phone') Oh, you wanna talk to Jerry?

(pleased) Oh, flowers. You didn't have to do that. I mean, the dinner, and the play, and the hansom cab ride.

Well, I just wanted to... (breaks off) You forgot the gift certificate to Barnes and Noble.

Oh.

(resumes) ...you know, make a good impression.

I'm gonna go put these in some water.

I like the way you think.

Oh my God! Number one!! Seinfeld, you magnificent bastard!

Sorry I'm late, but look what I found in the Yankee Hall of Pride display case.

Isn't that Babe Ruth's uniform?

Is it? (reaches into bag)

Huh, strawberries, anyone? (eats a strawberry) Ah, that's good. Ooh, juicy this time of year.

Gotta get the good ones.

Oh, that's bad. That's bad.

So Jerry, my millennium party's really coming together. Will people be able to breathe underwater in the year two-thousand?

Some of us.

(crumpling a piece of paper) I don't wanna exclude anybody.

Hola.

Shove it!

What is all this?

I got all this junk at Cinqo de Mayo, because I was trying to show Putumayo how much business they'd lost. I mean, I been dancing (demonstrates dance) and strutting in front of their store for two days.

Ah, no wonder we're getting so much rain.

Elaine, I'm having a millennium party, so save the date.

Hey, you know what? Newman sent me an invitation already, to his party.

Newman?

Yeah.

(reads) Come celebrate the millennium, with Newmanniun. Newman!

Hi Valerie.

You're not Valerie.

I'm her step-mother. Drive.

It's taken me thirteen years to climb up to the top of that speed-dial, and I don't intend to lose my spot to you.

But, I never...

(threatening) You just stay away from that phone.

You wanted to see me, sir?

I heard about what happened at the meeting this morning...

Oh, yes. I already packed up my desk, sir. I can be outta here in an hour.

...and I have to tell you, it's exactly what this organisation needed.

We wanna look to the future, we gotta tear down the past. Babe Ruth was nothing more than a fat old man, with little-girl legs. And here's something I just found out recently. He wasn't really a sultan. Ah, what d'you make of that? Hey, check this out. (he stands to reveal he's wearing baseball pants) Lou Gehrig's pants. Not a bad fit. (a thought occurs) Hey, you don't think that nerve disease of his was contagious, do you? Uh, I better take 'em off. I'm too important to this team. (removes the pants to reveal his boxers) Big Stein can't be flopping and twitching.

Hey, how 'bout some lunch. What're you going for?

You know uh, Valerie, I uh, couldn't help but notice that I'm on your speed-dial.

You deserve it.

But I can't help thinking that maybe there's someone in your life who deserves it more. Someone you've known, you know, more than a week.

My stepmother got to you, didn't she?

What? No.

Uuh, I can't believe she did this again. That's it! She's off the speed-dial completely!

Yikes!

Well, I just got your invitation to the Newmanniun party.

You just got it? Damn, the mail is slow.

(getting worked up) You knew I was having a millennium party, but you just had to throw yours on the same day!

I have done nothing unethical.

Yeah, well you're gonna have to cancel it, because I've told everybody about my party.

Cancel! (jumps to feet) Think again, longshanks! I started planning this in nineteen seventy-eight. I put a deposit down on that revolving restaurant that overlooks Times Square, and I booked Christopher Cross.

(worked up) Well, what am I gonna do? I got over two hundred folding chairs, and quite a bit of ice.

(thoughtful) What kind?

Cubed.

That's good stuff, and you can never have too much ice. Alright, I'll tell you what I'll do. You can co-host the party with me, under one condition. No Jerry. Jerry is not invited.

I gotta invite Jerry. He's my buddy.

That he may be. But he's outta my life, starting in the year two-thousand. For me, the next millennium must be, Jerry-free!

How could they not fire you?

Never thought I'd fail at failing.

Aw, come on there now.

(depressed) Feel like I can't do anything wrong.

Nonsense. You do everything wrong.

(hopeful) Everything?

Everything.

You really think so?

Absolutely. I have no confidence in you.

Alright. I guess I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again!

That's the spirit. You suck!

(pleased) I know.

No, no, no no, listen to me. I work in fashion. Together, we can drive Putumayo outta business and make Cinqo de Mayo numero uno... de Mayo.

Do you need some help with something?

(puzzled) You? What're you doing here?

I own this store.

No you don't. You own Putumayo. Unless you own both stores. (laughs nervously)

I'm Gladys Mayo.

Ah, this really sticks in my craw.

Well, Mrs Hamilton, it's certainly nice that you and Valerie patched things up, so we could all get together like this. Where is Valerie?

I'm sure she'll be along. (handing over a glass) Have some wine, Jerome.

Okay.

You know Jerome, I can understand what Valerie sees in you. So attractive, so strong, so comedic.

Uh, good.

Jerome, I have a deliciously naughty idea.

(nervous) What?

Why don't I put you on my speed-dial?

I don't know, Mrs Hamilton. That doesn't sound...

Don't be such a child, Jerome. How's number three sound?

Valerie's not coming over, is she?

Seven, four...

No...

Two...

Stop, stop. This isn't right. What about Valerie?

I won't tell if you don't.

(leaving hurriedly) Wuhh...

Jerry... Newman... Two-thousand...

(yells) Newmanniun!!

(whimper) Jerry?

Alright, Yankees, two. Orioles, nothing. Wait a minute! A short stocky bald man is streaking across the field.

Oh my God, George!

Check that. He's not streaking. He's wearing a flesh-tone body-stocking. Apparently, he's a bit bashful, and oddly, no-one seems upset.

Kramer, look, it's George.

Everyone loves him.

Yeah, yeah, I know. (he clicks off the TV) Listen, Jerry, I can't let you come to my New Year's party.

(neutral) Fine.

(agitated) I mean, it's killing me! Newman's got the jump on the invites, and will crush me if I try to go it alone!

(neutral) No problem.

(swung by Jerry's argument) You're right. I won't do it without you. I feel so ashamed I even thought of it, huh.

(pleading) Elaine, you can't go to Newman's Newmanniun.

(neutral) Okay.

No, no, no. You gotta spend New Year's nineteen ninety-nine with me and Jerry.

(neutral) Fine.

(frustrated shout) Oh come on!!

(neutral) Alright.

(triumph) Yesss! Alright, so it's you, it's me, and it's Jerry, huh. (claps hands) Yeah, now things are starting to snowball, huh. I'll tell Newman I don't need him. So, I'll uh, see you two in the twenty-first century.

(following Kramer to the door) Okay. Kramer, Kramer, wait a minute. Do you still have that pricing-gun?

Yeah.

Okay, I need you to help me put Putumayo outta business.

Can do.

What're you doing with a pricing-gun?

That place is about to have the sale of the century. Nothing over ninety-nine cents.

(to himself) Still a rip-off.

Hello?

Jerry, I was just at my stepmom's house, and I saw that you were on her speed-dial.

Uh, well, she uh, probably just wanted to be able to keep tabs on you.

Hold on a second.

Hello?

(seductive) Hi Jerome.

Oh, Mrs Hamilton, this is a very bad time. I've got Valerie on the other line. Just a second.

Hello?

That's her on the other line, isn't it?

Well...

Tell her I don't want you on her speed-dial.

Hang on.

She knows about the speed-dial. Mrs Hamilton, you gotta get me off this thing.

I won't, until she puts me back on hers.

Hang on.

She wants to be back on yours.

Fine. But only if you're off hers.

Hang on.

Fine, if I'm off yours.

No, still me.

Sorry. Hang on.

Fine, if I'm off yours.

I won't do it. It's my speed-dial, and I don't trust her.

Please, Mrs Hamilton, this is very awkward for me.

(conspiratorial) Alright. I'll hide you in one of the emergency buttons.

(hurried) Great, bye.

She said she'll do it.

Great.

Hang on.

Hello?

Jerry. I can't get fired.

Hey, body-suit man. 's up?

(pointing) Hey, body-suit man.

Hi, I'm H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy American industrialist uh, looking to open a silver mine in the mountains of Peru and uh, before I invest millions in a lucrative mine, I, I'd like to go a little native. Uh, Get the feel of their condiments, of their unmentionables, you know, the real uh, gritty-gritty.

Well, lemme show you what we have.

Well uh, I think I can just browse around on my own.

(re the chips) Hmm, Macchu Picchu. Are these free?

Yeah.

Hmm-mmm.

Some of those are women's clothes.

Oh, not a problem.

Attention Steinbrenner and front-office morons! Your triumphs mean nothing. You all stink. You can sit on it, and rotate! This is George Costanza. I fear no reprisal. Extension five-one-seven-oh.

L'Occupado.

Come on, what is taking you so long?

Elaine, I broke the price-gun, so I had to move to plan B.

Plan B? There is no plan B.

(holds up some small white sachets) I took these out of every single garment in the store.

What?!

They're dessicates. See, they absorb moisture. (gleeful) These clothes won't last five years without 'em.

That's not gonna do anything.

Patience.

Alright. Forget it!

What?

You have screwed me again, Pennypacker!

Ladies, care for some chips?

(emerging from the changing room) Well, I don't mind if I do.

Well, I've uh, I've changed my mind. I think I'm going to build a rollercoaster instead.

I heard what you did in the parking lot, big boy, and it is in-excuse-a-bull. You personally insulted me, my staff... I cannot believe that you, body-suit man, could perpetrate such a disloyalty. Breaks my heart to say it... Oh, who am I kidding? I love it. You're fi...

Wait, wait, Mr Steinbrenner. George doesn't deserve any of the blame for what happened in the parking lot today, sir. If there's anyone to blame here, it's me.

What're you talking about, Wilhelm. You popping pills? You got the crazies again?

No, no. No, no, sir. I ordered George to drive around insulting people today. Because I'm tired of all your macho head games.

(agitated) He's lying, sir! I'm tired of all your macho head games!

Macho head games?

(puts arm round George's shoulder) He's just being loyal to me, sir.

Wilhelm, you're fired. I owe you an apology, body-suit man. Streak on. (rising) Now, if you gentlemen'll excuse me, I'm not going to the game today, I'm gonna go outside and scalp some tickets. (heads toward the door) Owner's box, that's gotta bring in forty bucks, no problem.

Mr Wilhelm, what was that?!

I wanted to get fired. George, you are looking at the new head scout of the New York Mets.

(singing) Meet the Mets, meet the Mets. Come right out and greet the Mets.

I don't know what Elaine is so upset about. I mean, without dessicates, those clothes'll be noticeably musty in five years.

She never sees the big picture.

Hello, Newman!

Hello Jerry. (to Kramer) What did you say to Elaine? I just got her cancellation in the mail.

Oh, well I guess she found some place better to go.

Well, it's her mistake. Because she is going to miss the party of a lifetime.

Well, maybe so, but come midnight, when she's looking for someone warm and cuddly to kiss, I guess you'll be caught between the moon and New York City.

Alright. Come back to my party, please.

Jerry too, of course.

(reluctant) You don't wanna do your... act, or anything, do you?

No.

Alright then, I guess I can accept a little Jerry, if it gets me a (suggestive) lot of Elaine.

Deal?

To the Newmanniun! (holds out his hand)

(grasps Newman's hand) To the Kramennium.

By the way Newman, I'm just curious. When you booked the hotel, did you book it for the millennium New Year?

(smug) As a matter of fact, I did.

Oh, that's interesting, because as everyone knows, since there was no year zero, the millennium doesn't begin until the year two-thousand and one. Which would make your party, one year late, and thus, quite lame.

Aww!

I don't feel well at all. I feel all dried-out inside.

I'll call for help.

Hello?

Who's this?

It's Jerry. Who's this?

Uh, it's Valerie.

Oh, hi Valerie. What's up?

I'll tell you what's up. My stepmother is violently ill, so I hit the button for poison control and I get you!

Wow, poison control? That's even higher than number one!

Hello?