Full screenplay script transcript for Seinfeld S08E02: The Soul Mate
14 Scenes322 Lines
Scene 1
Opening Scene
7 lines
George
You want me to find a poem about Susan? May she rest in peace?!
Wyck
Well, we think it would be a nice touch for the Foundation literature. Do you have a favorite poet, George?
George
I like, uh...(mutters something unintelligible under his breath.)
Wyck
Pardon?
George
(mutters it again)
Wyck
Well, you should choose the poem since you knew Susan best at the time of her unfortunate (clears his throat)...accident.
George looks at Wyck suspiciously.
Scene 2
George and Jerry at the Coffee Shop Later That Day.
20 lines
Jerry
He cleared his throat?
George
Yes!
Jerry
So?
George
He did it right as he said "her unfortunate accident."
Jerry
Not getting it.
George
Jerry, a throat-clear is a non-verbal implication of doubt - he thinks I killed Susan!
Jerry
Oh, help me, Rhonda.
George
What time is it?
Jerry (looks At His Watch)
1:15.
George
Right now?
Jerry
I gotta go meet Pam.
George
Oh, the bookstore girl. How's that goin'?
Jerry
Okay. I'm just not ga-ga over her. For once I'd like to be ga-ga.
George
Where's Elaine?
Jerry
She's having Carol, Gail and Lisa over. You know they all have kids now?
George
What's with all these people having babies?
Jerry
Perpetuation of the species.
George
Yeah! Right!
Jerry
By the way, just for the record -
George
No, I did not! (They exit the coffee shop.)
Scene 3
Elaine at Her Apartment with Carol, Gail and Lisa.
23 lines
Carol
...but because it comes out of your baby, it smells good!
Elaine
Well, that's...that's sweet.
Gail
Being a mother has made me feel so beautiful.
Carol
Elaine, you gotta have a baby!
Elaine
Oh, hey, you know...I had a piece of whitefish over at Barney Greengrass the other day...
Lisa
Elaine. Move to Long Island and have a baby already.
Elaine
I really like the city.
Carol
The city's a toilet. When's the last time you saw my little Adam?
Elaine
Uh, it was in the Hamptons.
Carol
Oh! I have pictures!
Elaine
No, no, that's okay, it's uh...
Carol (shows Elaine And The Girls Pictures Of Adam)
Look at him! Just look at him!
Elaine is revolted by the sight of "breathtaking" little Adam.
JERRY AND GEORGE WALKING DOWN THE STREET AFTER LEAVING MONK'S.
Jerry
So, Elaine was telling me about this piece of whitefish she had the other day...
George
Do you really think I'm wrong about this Wyck guy?
Jerry
You know, if you really want to test him out, why don't you try the old Jerry Lewis trick?
George
Jerry Lewis?
Jerry
I heard that when Jerry Lewis left a meeting, he'd purposefully leave a briefcase with a tape recorder in it. Then after five minutes, he'd come back for it and listen to what everyone said about him.
George
That's pretty paranoid.
Jerry
Yes, it is.
George
I like it!
Jerry
I thought you might.
Scene 4
Kramer in Jerry's Apartment. Pam Enters.
8 lines
Pam
Oh, hi! I'm Pam. You must be Kramer. (Kramer is smitten with Pam and grins goofily.) Jerry's told me a lot about you. (Kramer continues grinning.) Well, I'm supposed to meet Jerry, it's my day off. I work in a bookstore.
Kramer (mouths The Words)
Books. (Knocks over a bowl of fruit on the counter.)
Pam
Oh, careful! (Jerry enters.)
Jerry
Hi, sorry I'm late.
Pam
That's okay. Kramer let me in.
Jerry
You know, if we rush, we can still make the movie.
Pam
Okay. (Touches Kramer's hand) It was really nice meeting you.
Jerry and Pam leave. Kramer sniffs his hand where Pam touched him, and makes a delighted noise.
Scene 5
Kramer and Newman in Newman's Apartment.
20 lines
Kramer
I'm in trouble, buddy. I just met a woman.
Newman
Go on.
Kramer
Well, she's Jerry's girlfriend.
Newman
Ah, yes. Forbidden love.
Kramer
She works in a book shop. Her name is Pam.
Newman
"Pam." I don't know the woman, but she sounds quite fetching.
Kramer
I can't even speak in front of her. (Sits down on the couch.)
Newman
Jerry! What could she possibly see in Jerry? (Walks in front of Kramer and trips over his feet.)
Kramer
She has delicate beauty.
Newman
Jerry wouldn't know delicate beauty if it bludgeoned him over the head.
Kramer
And yet, he's my friend.
Newman
And therein lies the tragedy. For I believe, sadly for you, that there is but one woman meant for each of us. One perfect angel for whom we are put on this earth.
Kramer
Aw, that's beautiful, Newman.
Newman
One winsome tulip we ceaselessly yearn for throughout our dreary, workaday lives! And you, my friend, have found your angel. I can tell. For my heart has also been captured by a breathless beauty - whom I fear I will never possess.
Kramer
I thought we were talking about me.
Newman
Right. Kramer, you have to confront Jerry.
Kramer
Confront Jerry? I can't.
Newman
You must!
Kramer
I won't!
Newman
You will!
Scene 6
Jerry, Elaine and George at a Newsstand.
24 lines
Elaine (to Jerry, Imitating Carol)
"Elaine, ya gotta have a baby." Ugh.
George
Where are all the poetry magazines?
Elaine
The New Yorker has poetry.
George
Yes. The New Yorker.
Jerry
Why do you invite these women over if they annoy you so much?
Elaine
They're my friends, but they act as if having a baby takes some kind of talent.
Jerry
C'mon, you want to have a baby.
Elaine
Why? Because I can?
Jerry
It's the life force. I saw a show on the mollusk last night. Elaine, the mollusk travels from Alaska to Chile just for a shot at another mollusk. You think you're any better?
Elaine
Yes! I think I am better than the mollusk!
Kevin
I couldn't help overhearing what you were saying.
Elaine
Oh, I'm sorry.
Kevin
No, no, I think I agree with you. I mean, all this talk about having babies.
Elaine
Yeah, like you must procreate.
Kevin
Besides, anyone can do it.
Elaine
Oh, it's been done to death. (smiles)
GEORGE IN ANOTHER MEETING AT THE FOUNDATION. HE HAS A BRIEFCASE WITH A TAPE RECORDER IN IT.
George
I, uh, should have a poem very soon now.
Wyck
Are you okay, George?
George
No, no, not really. Ever since Susan passed on, I have good days and bad. (Turns the briefcase towards the woman on his left.) Some days, I'm haunted by one word - why. Why Susan? Why wasn't it me licking those invitations? Why am I still here? Well, I gotta run. (Gets up and leaves the meeting.)
George is shown standing on the street while the tape rolls inside the briefcase.
Cut back to the Foundation meeting.
Wyck
...and the stock options for this year look quite, uh... (George returns and retrieves the briefcase.)
George (apologetic)
Briefcase. (Shrugs and exits.)
Scene 7
Elaine and Kevin at the Coffee Shop.
59 lines
Elaine
So, Kevin. If I don't want children, does that make me a bad humanitarian?
Kevin
Not at all.
Elaine
'Cause, I mean, when you get to know me, you'll see that I'm a pretty good humanitarian. (Waitress comes to the table and pours more coffee.) You are doing a wonderful job, by the way. Thanks a lot. (To Kevin) Right? Am I right? (Kramer walks by.) Kramer. Kramer! Come here, look at my new friend Kevin. (Kramer and Kevin shake hands.) Oh, you got a little, uh...
Kramer (wipes Chocolate Off His Face)
Oh, I just had two double-fudge sundaes.
Elaine
Oh. Are you alright?
Kramer
Yeah, I'll be okay.
Elaine
You know, Jerry has one of those every time he bombs on stage.
Kramer
Well, I'm sure he'll be sharing his next one with Pam.
Elaine
Oh, no...that won't last.
Kramer
What do you mean?
Elaine
He's not ga-ga.
Kramer suddenly looks elated and runs out.
GEORGE SHOWS UP AT JERRY'S APARTMENT LATER THAT NIGHT WITH THE BRIEFCASE.
George
Lemme tell you something, that Jerry Lewis? You wonder how some of these people get to the top? It's ideas like this! Brilliant! Hah-hah! (Notices that the briefcase is damaged.) Look at this - what the hell happened? The whole side is damaged here...and the lock is broken.
Jerry
How long did you leave it up there?
George
Five minutes. What the hell happened here?
Jerry
Play the tape, maybe we'll get a clue.
George
I have to rewind it first. (George presses the rewind button on the tape recorder. He and Jerry stand there, waiting impatiently as it rewinds.) Alright, alright.
George plays back the tape. We hear a voice ask, "Did anyone notice George's fingernails?" Then a female voice answering, "Oh my, yes. They looked like they were eaten away by weavels." The male voice remarks, "It's warm in here. Open a window." Then, "Hey! What are you doing?" The female voice exclaims, "Dear God." There's a clunking sound on the tape, and the recording ends.
Jerry
Is that it?
George
Stopped dead.
Jerry
What do you make of it?
George
I don't know. (George sits down at the table. Kramer enters.)
Kramer
Jerry. Uh, can we talk?
George (to Kramer)
Kinda busy here.
Kramer
I'd like to talk to Jerry in private.
George
Why can't I stay?
Kramer
Because it doesn't concern you.
George
Well, if it doesn't concern me, then I can stay. (Kramer grabs the back of George's chair, drags him out into the hallway and closes the door.)
Jerry
So, what's on your mind?
Kramer
It's Pam.
Jerry
Pam? What about Pam?
Kramer
I love her, Jerry!
Jerry
You what?
Kramer
I love her!
Jerry
Is that right?
Kramer
Oh, she's uh...she's real. She can bring home the bacon and fry it in the pan.
Jerry
What does that mean?
Kramer
Oh, and that voice!
Jerry
What about her name?
Kramer
Pam? Oh, it's a beautiful name. (Kramer sits on the couch.) Pam. Pam. Pam!
Jerry
She's got really nice hair.
Kramer
Oh, it's incredible. Although, I might replace her tortoise clip with one of those velvet scrunchies. I love those.
Jerry
You've got really specific tastes.
Kramer
Oh, I know what I want, Jerry.
Jerry
She's got nice calves.
Kramer
Oh, she's a dreamboat. But, you don't like her, so...
Jerry
Maybe I could, you're making some pretty good points.
Kramer
No you can't, Jerry.
Jerry
But I might.
Kramer
Oh, no you don't.
Jerry
Why not? The voice? The calves? The bacon?
Kramer
What...?
Jerry
I think I can! I even like the name! Pam!
Kramer (frantic)
Huh?
Jerry
Pam!
Kramer
Huh?
Jerry
Pam!
Kramer
Huh-yah! (Kramer loses it and runs out past George, who is still sitting in the hallway on a chair.)
Scene 8
Kramer and Newman in Newman's Apartment.
56 lines
Kramer
So now he wants her more than ever!
Newman
Blast!
Kramer
What am I gonna do, huh?
Newman
Don't despair, my friend. (Newman walks in front of Kramer and trips over his feet. Again.) I won't allow your love to go unrequited. Not like mine.
Kramer
What, again with you?
Newman
Sorry. But love is spice with many tastes. A dizzying array of textures...and moments.
Kramer
If only I could say things like that around her.
Newman (getting An Idea)
Yes...
ELAINE AND GEORGE AT THE COFFEE SHOP LISTENING TO THE BRIEFCASE TAPE.
Elaine
Well, I hear three distinct sounds. A low rumple...followed by a metallic 'squink'...
George
Yes! Yes, I heard the 'squink'!
Elaine
...followed by a mysterious...'glonk.'
George
It's baffling, isn't it?
Elaine
Well, one question does come to mind. Have you considered just...asking them what happened to the briefcase?
George
They would never tell me, Elaine. First of all, they probably think that I killed Susan. Besides, I don't even think they like me. (Jerry comes over to the table.)
Jerry
That Pam! I am ga-ga over her!
Elaine
Ga-ga? When did that happen?
Jerry
Yesterday. Six-ish.
Elaine
Well, maybe we should double. I'm pretty ga-ga myself.
Jerry
You just met the guy yesterday.
Elaine
Yeah, but we have a common goal.
Jerry
A barren, sterile existence that ends when you die?
Elaine (happily)
Yeah.
George
And you really believe this guy doesn't want to have kids.
Elaine
Yeah, of course.
Jerry
Elaine, a guy'll say anything to get a woman.
Elaine
Oh, please. He wouldn't say that.
George
Elaine, I once told a woman that I coined the phrase, "Pardon my French."
Jerry
I once told a woman that I don't eat cake 'cause it goes right to my thighs.
George
I once told a woman that I really enjoy spending time with my family.
KRAMER AND NEWMAN IN AN AISLE AT THE BOOKSTORE WHERE PAM WORKS.
Newman
With your looks and my words, we'll have built the perfect beast. (Kramer claps him on the shoulder, then goes to the other side of the aisle to talk to Pam.)
Pam
Oh, hi! Kramer.
Newman (whispers Through The Bookcase)
Hi. How are you?
Kramer
Hi. How are you?
Pam
I'm great.
Newman
I too am well.
Kramer
I too am well.
Newman
Do I smell Pantene?
Kramer
Do I smell?
Newman
Pantene!
Kramer
Uh, Pantene.
Pam
Oh, my shampoo. Yeah, it is Pantene, I got a free sample in with my junk mail.
Kramer (talks Rapidly In An Attempt To Keep Up With Newman)
Well, there really is no junk-mail...well, everybody wants to get a check or a birthday card, but...
Newman (frantic)
...it takes just as much man-power to deliver it as their precious little greeting cards...
Kramer
Newman! (Elbows him through the books. Newman falls over.)
Pam
What?
Kramer
Uh, human. It's...human to be moved by a fragrance.
Pam
That's so true.
Kramer
Her bouquet cleaved his hardened...
Newman
Shell.
Kramer
...shell. And fondled his muscled heart. He embibed her glistening spell...just before the other shoe...fell.
Pam
Kramer, that is so lovely.
Kramer
It's by an unknown 20th-century poet.
Pam
Oh, what's his name?
Kramer
Newman. (On the other side of the bookcase, Newman preens proudly.)
Scene 9
Elaine and Kevin in Elaine's Apartment.
4 lines
Kevin
Elaine, you've changed my life.
Elaine
Oh, Kevin...you can go on and on about how you don't want kids...and it sounds, it sounds really nice, but...the truth is, I don't know if you mean it or not.
Kevin
I got a vasectomy this morning.
Elaine
Although, I have a hunch you mean it.
Scene 10
Jerry Talking with Pam at the Bookstore.
15 lines
Jerry
I just came by to tell you - I'm really, really happy about this relationship. Really happy.
Pam
Oh. Well, that's um...(clears her throat)...nice. (Jerry looks suspicious. Pam turns around and Jerry notices her tortoise clip has been replaced with a velvet scrunchie.)
Jerry's Brain
A velvet scrunchie!
Jerry
Kramer!
JERRY APPROACHING HIS APARTMENT DOOR. HE MEETS NEWMAN COMING OUT OF KRAMER'S PLACE.
Jerry
Hello, Newman.
Newman
Hello, Jerry. How's Pam?
Jerry
Pam? What do you care? (Newman shrugs. Jerry notices he's carrying a Brentano's bookstore bag.)
Newman
Well, ta-ta! (Scampers away.)
Jerry
Wait a minute! (A manic chase scene ensues, with Jerry chasing Newman from one end of the building to the other. Jerry finally catches up with him in the hallway on another floor.)
Jerry
Alright, Newman! This is it! (Shoves him against the wall.)
Newman (sweating)
Easy, Jerry. Steady. You wouldn't want to lose your cool at a time like this.
Jerry
Why not?
Newman
Because right now, I'm the only chance you've got. (Newman giggles nervously. Jerry makes Newman flinch, and his giggling is choked off.)
Jerry (rolls His Eyes)
C'mon. (They exit.)
Scene 11
Jerry and Newman in Newman's Apartment.
13 lines
Jerry
I can't believe I'm losing Pam!
Newman
I know how you feel. For I, too, have a woman for whom I pine.
Jerry
I thought we were talking about me.
Newman
Right.
Jerry
Anyway, I don't need your help. (Turns to leave.)
Newman
Oh, don't you? Joke boy? You really think you can manipulate that beautiful young woman like the half-soused nightclub rabble that lap up your inane "observations"?
Jerry
Alright, Newman. What do I have to do to get you to stop pulling the strings for Kramer?
Newman
Well, there is a little something you can do for me...
Jerry
C'mon, out with it.
Newman
It's about...Elaine.
Jerry
Elaine? What does she have to - (notices Newman looking up at him longlingly.) Oh no...
Newman
You dated her. Give me some inside information. Anything I can use!
Jerry (shrugs)
Well, I know she doesn't want to have kids. (Newman considers the implications of this.)
Scene 12
Cut Back to Elaine and Kevin at Elaine's Apartment.
48 lines
Kevin
I thought you'd be a little more enthusiastic about it.
Elaine
I know, I don't want...(clears her throat)...kids.
Kevin
What was that?
Elaine
Well, Kevin, maybe I have a little doubt. I mean, nothing is a hundred percent.
Kevin
This is! Oh boy, I always do this.
Elaine
What?
Kevin
Oh, I get all jazzed up about something and I go way to far with it.
Elaine
Really?
Kevin
Oh, yeah. Like last summer. I'm watchin' TV and I saw one of those jet-skis. $4000 later and it's sitting in my garage.
Elaine
You know, that's weird, actually, 'cause I'm sort of the same way. I mean once for like, no reason, I flattened my hair and I had all these strands hanging in my face all the time...
Kevin
Sometimes I think I do want kids. Maybe a lot of kids!
Elaine
Sometimes I think about wearing my hair real short.
Kevin
Yeah! I think I like short hair. Really short.
Elaine
Yeah!
Kevin
Yeah!
JERRY AND GEORGE IN JERRY'S KITCHEN. GEORGE HAS BROUGHT OVER A MODEL OF THE CONFERENCE ROOM AT THE FOUNDATION.
George
This is a crude mock-up of the conference room. 1/14th scale.
Jerry
When did you build this thing?
George
Yesterday, took the day off. (Picks up a red Power Ranger action figure from the model and pretends it's him.) Now, from the time I left the room...
Jerry (points At The Power Ranger)
Wait, that's you?
George
Yeah.
Jerry (picks Up A Yellow M&m Toy From The Model)
I really think the M&M should be you.
George (grabs The M&m Away From Jerry)
Alright, whatever! Now. Whatever caused the damage...(drops a tiny briefcase onto the table in the model)...was jarring enough to completely stop the tape.
Jerry
And?
George
Okay. That's what we know.
Jerry
But we already knew that.
George
Well, yeah.
Jerry
Just give me some idea of what you think it could be.
George
I don't know if you're ready for it.
Jerry
Please.
George
I believe that I am about to become the target of a systematic process of intimidation and manipulation, the likes of which you have never -
Jerry
Hold it, hold it! You're right, I'm not ready for this. (The door buzzer sounds, Jerry answers it.) Yeah?
Voice On Speaker
It's Pam.
Jerry
C'mon up. (To George) Alright, it's Pam, you gotta get goin.'
George
I'm not through here, Jerry. (Picks up the model of the conference room.) I'm gonna keep on investigating. This thing is like an onion. The more layers you peel, the more it stinks. (Pam enters, George leaves.)
Pam
What was that?
Jerry
We were just playin.'
Pam
Listen, I had a long talk with Kramer today...
Jerry
Uh huh...
Pam
Well, the thing is, I uh...I think I have a little crush on him. (Kramer slides in the door on his knees.)
Kramer
I'm so happy! My world suddenly has meaning!
Jerry (to Pam)
This is the man you have a crush on?
Pam
Well, I have feelings for both of you.
Kramer
How can you have feelings for him? We're soul mates.
Jerry
Why can't I be a soul mate?
Kramer
Jerry, you really think that Pam would want you to be the father of her children?
Pam
Children? Who said anything about children? I don't want to have children.
Jerry and Kramer look at each other, puzzled.
Scene 13
George Back at the Conference Room at the Foundation.
18 lines
George
There are some people in this room who would have been very happy to never see this briefcase again. There are people in this room who think they can destroy other people's property and get away with it. Well, let me tell you something about those people. They weren't counting on this brain! And this tape recorder.
Wyck
George...
George
You'll have your turn! The truth must be heard. (Plays back the tape.) That's all there was. And yet, it speaks volumes. A low rumple. A metallic 'squink.' A 'glonk.' Someone crying out..."Dear God!" Let's start with, uh...with you, Wyck.
Wyck
George, Quinn here was moving a chair...he lost his balance and dropped it...it must have fallen on your briefcase, which, for some reason, contained a running tape recorder?
George
Alright, then. We've gotten to the bottom of that.
JERRY AND NEWMAN IN THE OFFICE OF BERNARD WENDROFF, M.D. - UROLOGIST. ELAINE AND KEVIN ENTER. ELAINE HAS CUT HER HAIR SHORT.
Elaine
What are you guys doing here?
Jerry
We're getting vasectomies.
Elaine
Why?
Newman (to Elaine)
I'm doing it for you.
Elaine
What?
Jerry (to Elaine)
What'd you do to your hair?
Elaine
I cut it.
Jerry
It's a little short.
Kevin
Y'think?
Jerry (to Kevin)
What are you doing here?
Elaine
Kevin's having his vasectomy reversed.
Jerry And Newman
Reversed?! (Kramer comes hobbling out of the doctors office in pain, after having a vasectomy of his own, and exits. Jerry and Newman look at each other, and bolt for the door themselves.)
Scene 14
George Reading the Poem for Susan at the Foundation.
7 lines
George
...he embibed her glistening spell...just before the other shoe...fell.
Wyck
Is that a Keats poem?
George
No, it's a Newman. Well, I gotta run. (Smiles, pats his briefcase and exits.)
Wyck
Does anyone think George might have murdered Susan?
Mr. Cross
Oh, yeah. I just assumed he murdered her.
Ms. Baines
Of course he killed her.
Wyck
So it's not just me, then. Alright! Back to business.
