Full screenplay script transcript for Seinfeld S03E21: The Parking Space
10 Scenes424 Lines
Scene 1
Opening Scene
1 lines
At parking lots now they have these 'compact car only' spots, isn't that discrimination against the size of your car? If I want my ass hanging out of the back of my parking spot, that's my business. There are people out there with real asses hanging out of their pants, nobody's stopping them. Nobody goes, "Hey, hold it, sir. Those are compact jeans, you can't pull that in there."
Scene 2
Jerry's Apartment
48 lines
(Kramer enters)
Kramer
Hey. I got some bad news for you, buddy. I think your car got stolen again.
Jerry
What are you talking about?
Kramer
Well you parked it on eighty-fourth and Columbus, right?
Jerry
Yeah.
Kramer
Yep, well I just walked by there and that car is gone.
Jerry
Oh yeah, I know.
Kramer
Well, where is it?
Jerry
What's the difference?
Kramer
Well, there's no difference, you know, I'm just curious.
Jerry
You always have to know everything that's going on, don't you?
Kramer
What happened to the car?
Jerry
If I don't tell you it will kill you, won't it?
Kramer
Yeah, yeah, it'll kill me.
Jerry
You have to know, you must know.
Kramer
I must know.
Jerry
Well, I'm not telling you.
Kramer
Oh, come on.
Jerry
Nope. I don't think so.
Kramer
Well, please?
Jerry
Not today, pal.
Kramer
Okay, I beg you.
Jerry
Now see? Just saying beg doesn't make it a real beg. You gotta put some beg into it.
Kramer
Okay, please! Please tell me!
Jerry
Alright, I'll tell you, but your begging needs a lot of work.
Kramer
Okay, okay, what is it? Come on.
Jerry
I loaned the car to George.
Kramer
Ah, George, alright. Well, what for?
Jerry
George and Elaine went to a flea market in Westchester, okay?!
Kramer
Alright.
Jerry
Huh?
Kramer
Huh. I mean, what do they want to go there for?
Jerry
Will you stop it already?!
Kramer
You know, why didn't they ask me to go?
Jerry
I don't know! How am I supposed to know?!
Kramer
What, they don't like me?
Jerry
*I* don't like you!
Kramer
If they like me, why don't they ask me to go? Oh yeah.
GEORGE AND ELAINE ARE IN JERRY'S CAR. GEORGE IS WEARING A NEW HAT.
George
I really think it looks good.
Elaine
Ten bucks, how can you go wrong?
George
All bald people look good in hats.
Elaine
You should have lived in the twenties and thirties, you know men wore hats all the time then.
George
What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew.
Elaine
Well, you can wear a hat all the time now. Who's stopping you?
George
No, I can't. What if I meet a woman? I'd always be worried about that first moment where I'd take it off and see that look of disappointment on her face.
Elaine
Are you sure you like these sunglasses?
Elaine moves the rear view mirror so she can check out her sunglasses and this causes George to swerve and hit something.
Scene 3
Jerry's Apartment
70 lines
Kramer
Well I'm very disappointed in George and Elaine. And you know I'm somebody you don't want to have on your bad side.
Jerry
Why not?
Kramer
Because I'm like ice, buddy. When I don't like you, you've got problems. (notices some snacks on the table) Oh, is this for the fight?
Jerry
Yep. (checks watch) Starts in thirty-five minutes.
(Kramer and Jerry start 'sparring'.)
Kramer
Oh hey, you know I invited Mike Moffit. You don't mind, do you?
Jerry
No, I like Mike.
Kramer
Yeah, I just got off the phone with him, you know we had a great conversation.
Jerry
Oh yeah? What did you talk about?
Kramer
Well actually we talked about you. Yeah. He had some pretty interesting things to say.
Jerry
Oh yeah? What did he say?
Kramer
You have to know everything, don't you?
Jerry
No, come on, Kramer. What did he say?
Kramer
Why is that? Why do you have to know everything?
Jerry
Kramer, just tell me what the guy said.
Kramer
Beg me.
Jerry
Please, don't make me beg.
Kramer
No no no, I want you to beg me. And I don't want you to say it, I just want you to put some beg into it. Go on.
Jerry
Kramer, please tell me what the guy said.
Kramer
No no no, that's no good. No, I really don't think that's a beg. No, it's close, but uh...
Jerry
Kramer!
Kramer
Look, I can't say anything. You know, the guy told me the stuff in confidence, I'd be betraying a friend.
Jerry
Well you can't just mention it and then not tell me.
Kramer
Alright. I'll tell you but you can't say anything to him.
Jerry
I'm not saying anything, I'm putting it in the vault, I'm locking the vault, it's a vault!
Kramer
He thinks you're a phony.
Jerry
He what?
Kramer
I told you, he thinks you're a phony.
Jerry
A phony? He called me a phony?
Kramer
A big phone. A big one.
Jerry
Why did you tell me that if I can't say anything?!
Kramer
You begged me.
ELAINE AND GEORGE IN JERRY'S CAR, THE CAR IS NOW MAKING A CLANKING NOISE.
George
Do you hear that?
Elaine
Of course I hear that.
George
You had to move the mirror?
Elaine
I wanted to check out my sunglasses.
George
I went to look in the mirror, it wasn't there. You threw off my equilibrium.
Elaine
Oh yeah, blame it on me because you can't drive, George.
George
I can't drive?
Elaine
Yeah.
George
Nobody drives like me. Nobody. I'm doing things in this car, you have no idea they're going on. Wanna see me make a right turn from the left lane? Watch this.
Elaine
No, I really don't.
George
And I can make a left turn from the right lane too.
Elaine
I'm sure you could.
George
What are we gonna tell Jerry about the car?
Elaine
I don't know.
George
Alright, start looking for spaces.
Elaine
Oh, you're never gonna find a space on Jerry's block, just put it in a garage.
George
Look, I have my system. First I look for the dream spot right in front of the door, then I slowly expand out in concentric circles.
Elaine
Oh come on, George, please put it in a garage. I don't want to spend an hour looking for a space.
George
I can't park in a garage.
Elaine
Why?
George
I don't know, I just can't. Nobody in my family can pay for parking, it's a sickness. My father never paid for parking; my mother, my brother, nobody. We can't do it.
Elaine
I'll pay for it.
George
You don't understand. A garage. I can't even pull in there. It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free? (he hears a horn honking) What? What do you want? Go around me, I'm looking for spaces.
Elaine
(pointing backwards) Oh George, there's a space right there!
George
(putting the car in reverse) Oh beautiful! Look at that, the dream space right in front of Jerry's building. Huh? Dreams can come true, what did I tell you?
Elaine
You didn't even have to take it out to dinner.
(They share a laugh.)
George
Alright, now you're gonna see some parallel parking. (spitting into his hands and rubbing them together) How I wish you could make a living parallel parking. (turning around in his seat) It's all geometry, knowing all the angles, when to make that first turn and then when to swing it back in, that's the key.
Elaine
Will you just park it already?
George
There's nothing I can even impart to you, that's the sad thing. It's so inborn, I can't pass it on. (begins backing into the space) Look at this guy. Are you crazy, what are you doing?! Hey! Hey, you're stealing my space!
Elaine
George, wait, you don't know who this guy is, people kill for a parking space in this city.
George
No no no, he's not getting away with this.
Elaine
George?
(George gets out of the car to confront the other driver.)
George
Hey, what are you doing?
Mike
I think I'm parking my car.
George
You can't do that, you can't just sneak in from the back like that.
Scene 4
Scene 4
25 lines
Mike
I'm not sneaking. I didn't even know you were parking, you were just sitting there three spaces up.
George
Well if you didn't think I was parking, why did you put it in head first?
Mike
Well that's the way I park. Anyway, you didn't start backing in until I pulled in.
George
I was in the middle of a conversation.
Mike
Hey, buddy, what can I tell you?
George
The point is I was here first.
Mike
I was closer to this space than you were.
George
But I'm backing in! You can't put it in head first!
Mike
I can if I have room!
George
Are you gonna move the car?
Mike
No, I'm not gonna move the car.
George
Jerk!
Mike
Oh, you're not?
George
Do you believe this guy?
Elaine
Come on, we'll put it in a garage.
George
I am not putting it in a garage, it's my space.
Elaine
What are you gonna do, you just gonna leave it here like this? Uh. I'm going upstairs.
George
Are you coming back down?
Elaine
Yeah, I gotta tell Jerry we're here. I gotta go to the bathroom.
George
Alright, just make sure he reserves the good chair for me. Wait, what are you gonna tell him about the clanking noise in the car?
Elaine
Me? No no no, you. You're gonna tell him. I'm not gonna tell- Noo.
George
Oh, come on, you're good at this.
Elaine
What am I gonna say?
George
I don't know, I don't know, you'll think of something.
(Elaine heads upstairs. Mike honks his horn, George honks his in retaliation.)
Scene 5
Jerry's Apartment
70 lines
(Jerry is moving chairs, Elaine bursts in.)
Elaine
Oh god, I need a drink, do you got any Hennigan's here?
Jerry
Yeah, under the counter. What happened?
Elaine
Oh god. Oh, Jerry it was so terrible what we just went through on the way home. (pouring a big shot of scotch) You wouldn't believe it. (pushing a bag of chips off the counter)
Jerry
(bending down to pick up the chips) Tell me what happened.
Elaine
(after pouring the shot in the sink while Jerry was distracted and pretending to have downed it) Okay. Now listen. We were at the toll booth at the Henry Hudson Parkway, okay?! And there were these, like, this pack of extremely wild teenagers in a convertible behind us, okay?! And for some reason, I don't know, they just started to taunt us! And so then we payed the toll, and then we went through, and then they started to follow us, alright?! So George tries to lose them, and, and, but they were in this really like a souped up car, you know?! And so he turned off the road really suddenly and the car was on two wheels and I was just screaming! And then, George is such a great driver.
Jerry
He is?
Elaine
Oh, he is fantastic! And then they fired a gun right up in the air.
Jerry
A gun?!
Elaine
I think it was a gun. And then they followed us all the way into the city, and then they just stopped and they turned around and they went home.
Jerry
My god, are you okay?
Elaine
Yeah, yeah, I'm alright. Oh, by the way, the car hit a pothole and now it's making a clanking noise.
Jerry
Well, I mean, as long as you're okay, that, that's the important thing.
Elaine
Exactly.
Jerry
Where's George now?
Elaine
Oh, he's out in front of the building. He's arguing with some guy about a parking space.
Jerry
What are you talking about?
Elaine
Look out the window, you'll see.
Jerry
(leaning out the window) Hey Georgie!
George
Hey!
Jerry
Are you okay?
George
Yeah, I'm fine.
Jerry
Crazy kids, huh?
George
What?
Elaine
(desperate to distract Jerry) Ow!! (Jerry looks over) It's my cuticle.
Mike
Is that Jerry? Jerry?!
Jerry
Oh, hey Mike.
George
What, you know Jerry?
Mike
Yeah, I know Jerry.
George
How do you know him?
Mike
What's the difference?
George
Because I know him too, and probably a lot better than you.
Mike
Well, bully for you. Hey, Jerry! You know your friend here's a real piece of work!
Jerry
I'm coming down.
Mike
Hey, will you tell Kramer I'm outside?
George
What, you know Kramer?!
(Kramer walks into Jerry's apartment.)
Elaine
Hi.
Kramer
(acting standoffish) Hello.
Jerry
Hey, your friend Mike's outside, he wants to talk to you.
Kramer
(out the window) Hey, Mike! Come on up, the fight's almost starting!
George
And you're watching the fight at Jerry's?
Mike
Yeah.
George
Oh great.
Elaine
You know that guy downstairs?
Jerry
Yeah, he's a real phony.
Kramer
What's going on?!
Mike
Hey, will you come on down? This guy's in my space!
George
It's my space!
Kramer
I'll be down in a minute.
Elaine
Are you going down?
Kramer
Yeah.
Elaine
Is anything wrong?
Kramer
(leaving) Why should anything be wrong?
Elaine
(heading for the bathroom) Be down in a minute.
(Jerry grabs his jacket and walks out the door.)
Mike
Hey pal, you're not getting that space. I mean, I'll sleep in my car if I have to.
George
I'll die out here.
(Two bystanders are discussing the incident. )
Bystander #1
He was down there. Once he passed his front bumper, it's no longer his space.
Bystander #2
No, it doesn't matter. He was-
Mike
Hey! Jerry! Long time no see!
Jerry
Hi Mike. (Noticing George's fedora) Indiana.
Mike
Hey Krame! You know this guy?
Kramer
Yeah, yeah, I know him.
Mike
(to Jerry) You're looking tremendous. What are you on some kind of regimen?
Jerry
Yeah, twenty-five percent bran flakes. The forty percent was too much so I found a store to mix it up special for me, they take it down another fifteen percent.
Mike
(laughing way too loud and hard) Ha ha ha ha!!! That's killer! Killer! I love that! Ha ha ha!!! You gotta use that, that's a definite!! Ha ha ha!!!
George
Oh, come on.
Mike
Hey! Your friend here has some real problems.
Scene 6
Scene 6
70 lines
George
Me? You see what he did here, you see how he tried to sneak into my space?
Mike
Hey, just 'cause I went in front first doesn't mean I'm sneaking in.
George
You only went in front first 'cause you saw me backing up and you didn't have room to parallel park!
Mike
I only went in front first 'cause I could make it in front first and if you pull out I'll show you!
George
You've got a prayer.
Kramer
I go in front first all the time.
Jerry
Front first, that's how you park when you're pulling a bank job.
(Elaine shows up and pulls George aside.)
George
Did you talk to him?
Elaine
Yeah, it's all taken care of.
George
You told him? What did you tell him?
Elaine
I did a number on him, it was a thing of beauty, you really had to have been there to appreciate it.
George
I don't believe it, what did you say?
Elaine
I told him a pack of teenagers in a convertible were terrorizing us and they followed us into the city.
George
A pack of teenagers?
Elaine
Yeah, by the time I got to the end of the story, he was to relieved that we were alive he couldn't care less about the car.
George
You are a genius, it's as simple as that.
Elaine
What can I say, you know? It's a gift. I only wish I could teach it but, you know it's inborn.
(Elaine and George rejoin the others.)
Kramer
By the way, thanks a lot for inviting me to the flea market.
Elaine
What?
Kramer
Yeah, Jerry, he told me all about it.
George
Oh great.
Jerry
I didn't know.
Elaine
Oh, so that's why you were acting so funny.
George
Well I didn't know you wanted to go to the flea market.
Mike
A flea market? You went to a flea market??
George
Hey, who's talking to you?
Elaine
We just didn't think of you.
Kramer
You said it, sister.
George
What? Every time I leave my house now I have to call everybody I know and ask them if they want to do what I'm doing?
(People forget. Look at "Home Alone". They forgot.)
George
Great move, telling him, by the way, real smart move.
Jerry
I didn't know I wasn't supposed to say anything!
George
Judgement, Jerry, judgement! You exercised no judgement.
Jerry
You're right. My fault.
Elaine
Kramer? I'm so sorry, really.
George
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Kramer
I'm sorry, I don't care for that sorry.
George
What was wrong with that sorry? It was a good sorry. Jerry, was that a good sorry?
Jerry
It was a so-so sorry.
(A delivery truck pulls up and honks. The driver leans out of the cab.)
Truck Driver
Hey! Move this car, I gotta get through!
George
You heard the man. I guess you gotta be moving your car.
Mike
And like you're not gonna just back it in if I do that?
Truck Driver
Well somebody better move something soon! I got a truck full of ice cream here!
Elaine
You see, they had to move the cars so the truck could get through, right? But these guys don't trust each other so they got these two nonpartisan drivers to move them.
Jerry
Wild pack of teenagers, huh?
George
Yeah.
Jerry
Amazing how they picked you, out of everyone, to terrorize.
Elaine
Yeah. I know, I said to myself, 'Why us?' You remember?
George
Uh huh.
Jerry
Sounds like you did some pretty nifty maneuvering,
George
Well, you know, It's interesting, you know, under that pressure, what you're capable of.
Elaine
Right.
George
I learned a lot about myself.
Jerry
What did you do to my car?!
George
I couldn't help it! Elaine moved the mirror, I got discombobulated.
Elaine
Oh, like you've ever been bobulated.
Jerry
I thought you said you were a good driver!
George
No no, I never said I was a good driver, I said I was a good parker.
Jerry
I think you said driver.
George
Parker, I never said driver, I said parker, a great parker.
Mike
Will you move it up a little bit?
George
No no no, that's in the right position.
Mike
No no, I was further in.
George
No you weren't. Stop there, that's fine.
Mike
Do you mind?
George
Do you?
Sid
Hey, somebody better move these cars, you're making a commotion.
Scene 7
Scene 7
70 lines
Jerry
Hey Sid.
Mike
Who are you?
Sid
Never mind who I am. I know who I am. Do you know who you are? (to George) Why is it every time you park a car in this block, everything gets disrupted and disjointed?
George
Sid, it's completely his fault.
Mike
Oh, right.
Sid
Why don't you start taking the bus?
Jerry
Okay, George. Come on, let's go. I'm putting it in a garage. The fight's starting in two minutes.
George
Don't do it!
Jerry
What are we gonna do, stay out here all night?
George
Yes! I'm not giving him the satisfaction, it's my space.
Elaine
Why don't you just flip a coin already?
George
No no, this is a matter of principle. That would just be saying that anybody could just pull into any parking space any way they want. Well I'm making a stand here. I'm saying *no* to head first parking. I'm not putting up with that. We put up with too much crap in this city, we're not putting up with head first parking.
Elaine
You know, maybe if you hadn't been sitting there pontificating about what a great parker you were, you might have got the space.
George
So you're against me now?
(An old man and Matthew, the boy who's father owns the 'fat free' frozen yogurt store, are discussing the incident.)
Angry Man
He could have pulled up to the car and backed in, but he chose to go in head first.
Matthew
No he couldn't, because the other car was already backing in.
Angry Man
No he wasn't.
Matthew
All that matters is who was there first.
Angry Man
Ahh, you're not even old enough to drive, you little puke.
Matthew
You just spit on me!
Angry Man
Don't you raise your voice to me!
Matthew
You're not my father.
Jerry
Hey Matthew.
Matthew
Hi Jerry. This guy's really a jerk.
Jerry
How ya doing?
Matthew
Okay.
Jerry
Hey, how's your father? I hear he's closing his store.
Matthew
What?!
Jerry
Oh no, nothing.
Matthew
What's happened to daddy? He's going out of business?
Jerry
No, no, no, no.
Matthew
We're not going to have any money? We're out of money?
Jerry
No, of course not, of course not!
Matthew
Mommy!? Jerry says daddy's closing the store. He's going out of business. We don't have any money?
Maryedith
Jerry?! What's the matter with you?
Jerry
I didn't--
Maryedith
(to Kramer) Boy, I don't know about your friend, Jerry. He says some pretty stupid things sometimes.
Kramer
Oh, congratulations.
Maryedith
What for?
Kramer
Well, you're pregnant.
Maryedith
What?
Kramer
You're not pregnant?
Maryedith
No, I'm not pregnant.
Kramer
Are you sure you're not pregnant?
Maryedith
Yes, I'm sure!
Kramer
That's weird.
Maryedith
Come on, Matthew.
Matthew
No.
Maryedith
Come on, Matthew!
Kramer
I thought she was pregnant.
Jerry
(to Elaine) Hey, do you think I'm phony?
Elaine
What?
Jerry
Mike thinks I'm a phony.
Elaine
He thinks you're a phony?
Jerry
Yeah, but I can't say anything because Kramer wasn't supposed to tell me.
Elaine
Oh, you have to say something.
Jerry
I can't, I told Kramer I was vaulting it.
Elaine
You gotta open the vault.
Jerry
Open my vault?
Elaine
Open your vault.
Jerry
Once I open the vault, it ceases to be a vault.
Elaine
You have no choice.
Jerry
Oy ga-vault.
Newman
(to Kramer) You wanna know why you can't go in front first? I'll tell you why. because it signals a breakdown in the social order. Chaos. It reduces us to jungle law.
(George begins applauding.)
Kramer
When can you park head first?
Newman
Never.
Mike
What are you asking this guy for?
Newman
Who's talking to you?
Scene 8
Scene 8
61 lines
George
He's right. never.
Mike
Oh yeah? What if you got ten car lengths? You have to pull all the way up to the front car?
Newman
Well, I suppose if you got ten car lengths.
George
When do you ever have ten car lengths?
Kramer
What about Sundays and holidays?
George
Oh please.
(A passerby (Sheila) stops and asks George)
Sheila
What's going on here?
George
Oh, this guy tried to sneak into my space.
Sheila
I really hate people who do that. I hope you don't let him get away with it.
George
Well, thank you for your support.
Sheila
Hey, that's a great hat.
George
Really? You like it? I got it at a flea market today.
Newman
Hey George, nice hat.
George
Yeah, thanks.
Newman
Can I try it on?
George
No! It, uh, it wouldn't fit you.
Newman
Well sure it would.
George
No! Get out of here, Newman.
Newman
Come on, let me try it on.
George
No, Newman, stop it.
Sheila
Let him try it on.
George
I don't want him to!
Sheila
What is wrong with you?
George
You wanna see?! (pulling off the hat to reveal the bald pate) There! There it is! (turning to Newman) Alright, here! You wanna try on the hat?! Here! Try on the hat!
Newman
Stop it, George, stop it. I was defending your parking.
George
Alright, just keep the hat!
Jerry
Alright, that's it. The fight's already started. I'm going upstairs, who's coming? Elaine?
Elaine
It depends on who's going. (to George) Are you going?
Kramer
I'm not going if he's going.
Newman
Me either.
George
I'm not going if he's going.
Mike
Well I'm going.
Jerry
Well if he's going then I'm not going.
Newman
But it's your house.
Jerry
I still don't have to go.
Elaine
Well I don't want to go if Jerry's not going.
Mike
Why won't you go if I go?
Jerry
Why? I'll tell you why.
Kramer
No. Don't, Jerry.
Jerry
Like you didn't call me a phony?
Mike
What? (to Kramer) Thanks! Real good! Jerry! First of all, I think you completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a complementary way. I mean, you know when people say, 'He's bad', it really means he's good, sort of thing? You know, slang.
Jerry
Use it in a sentence.
Mike
Man, that Michael Jordan is so phony. (to Kramer) Why'd you tell him?!?
Kramer
He begged me.
Mike
He begged you?!
Jerry
Alright, come on. Who wants to watch the fight?
(Two police officers walk up.)
Cop #1
Okay, who's cars are these? Let's move 'em. Let's go.
George
Officer, could I just explain something to you?
Cop #1
Hey. Let's go or I'm gonna write both of you a ticket in about two minutes.
George
Officer, he can't pull in head first.
Mike
Officer, he backed up from down the street. He was double-parked, he was
sitting there.
Cop #1
Alright, you move your car. It's his space, you can't go in head
first.
Cop #2
Wait a second. Why can't he go in head first? He said the guy was just sitting over there.
Cop #1
What are you talking about? This guy was here first.
Cop #2
But he didn't take it.
Cop #1
Hey, it's his space.
Cop #2
No, it's his space.
Scene 9
Jerry's Apartment
8 lines
(Jerry enters. George and Mike can be heard arguing through the window)
George
Well, you're gonna have to go to the bathroom!
Mike
Well, you're gonna have to go to work!
George
I don't have a job!
Mike
Neither do I!
(Jerry closes the window, sits down on the couch, picks up the remote and turns on the TV.)
Referee
Seven... Eight... Nine... Ten. *ding*
(Jerry falls over and hides his face in the couch cushion.)
Scene 10
Closing Monologue
1 lines
People will kill each other for a parking space in New York because they think, 'If I don't get this one, I may never get a space.' You know? 'I'll be circling for months until somebody goes out to the Hamptons.' I think because everyone in New York City knows there's gotta be way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. It's like Musical Chairs except everybody sat down around 1964. The problem is car manufacturers are building hundreds of thousands of new cars every year, they're not making any new spaces. That's what they should be working on. Wouldn't that be great? You go to the Auto Show, they got that big revolving turntable, and there's nothing on it. New from Chrysler, a space.
