The Good Samaritan

You know it's bad enough you have a car phone, you have to use the speaker?

It's safer! Plus it's more annoying to the other person.

Oh look at this guy.

What's goin' on?

Oh there's a guy trying to get in front of me, he has to ask permission. Yes. Go ahead. Get in, get in.

Did you get a thank you wave?

No, nothing. How could you not give a thank you wave? Hey buddy! Where's my thank you wave?

Give me that wave!

Jerry, are you free on Friday?

Yeah, I'm free, why?

Ah, God, I bumped into Robin Sandusky today, she asked me to have dinner with her and her husband.

Oh my God! You won't believe what I just saw! A car just bashed into a parked car, and sped off, right on my block!

You gotta follow that car!

What?

You can't let him get away with that!

Elaine, the guy could be dangerous.

What are you, yellow?

I'm not yella. (In a cowboy voice)

Jerry, if you don't follow him, you're yella.

Wait, he stopped, he's parking.

What? What? I can't hear you. Jerry?

Uh, excuse me, uh, I was uh, driving behind you, uh, a few blocks back, and I, I couldn't help, uh, maybe you didn't realize, uh, I witnessed that, uh, um, you're tire's a little low. That can affect the performance of the twin high-beam suspension, not to mention your rack and pinion steering.

So I wound up going out for a decaf cappuccino with her.

Boy! What a story! I'm speechless. Speechless. I have no speech.

You know, I really liked her. We talked. We flirted. And when she left, she reached out and touched my arm.

He, he, he. (Simulating her feminine laugh)

I love when they touch your arm. I can't get enough of that. Why is that?

Let's not even analyze it.

So you didn't turn her in?

I wanted to but I couldn't go through with it.

Gonna see her again?

Friday night.

Yep.

It's me!

Come on up.

By the way, Elaine does not need to know about anything.

Hey, hey, hey! I dig.

Oh, you dig?

Yes! I see enormous potential here.

Why?

Because great couples always have a great story about how they met. That's why I've never been in a long term relationship. I've never had a good meeting story.

I wonder if I'm nuts for pursuing this woman at all.

I don't think so.

Look, she slammed into a parked car! She took no responsibility for mutilating the property of a stranger, then she sped off like a criminal!

On the other hand, does that mean she should never be allowed to date again? You scratch one car and you're forbidden to have social contact for the rest of your life?!

What am I drinking, milk?

Hey!

Hi.

Sweater.

Thank you.

So? What happened?

With that?

With the car!

What car?

The hit and run!

Oh, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, the hit and run. Well. Actually, the guy went into Queens.

Queens?! You followed him over the bridge?

Over the bridge. (Making a pointing motion with his hand)

Oh, well I didn't know you went into Queens Jerry.

Yeah, Queens.

So? Then what?

So he gets out of the car, I say, "Hey buddy! I saw you hit that car!" So he says to me, "What are ya gonna do about it?"

So I said to him, "Whatever's necessary."

I am speechless. I am without speech.

Tell her about the shoving.

What?

What shoving?!

Oh, it was nothing.

No! Tell her.

Well he kinda lost his temper, and he was pushing me up against the car. So I went into a karate stance. (Jerry assumes karate position and does two punches)

You know karate??

I know a little.

Well, this is so, amazing to me! Jerry what did do?

He backed off. Pretty pathetic actually.

Hey! (Group does likewise)

Did you tell Kramer?

Ah, nah! (Waving his hand and walking away)

What? What? What? Tell me.

Jerry saw this guy crash into a car, and he followed him.

Good for you! What kind of a sick lowlife would do a thing like that? You know those people, you know they're mentally disturbed. (Pointing a finger at Jerry)

They should be sent to Australia.

Australia?

Yeah, yeah, that's where England used to send their convicts.

But not anymore.

No.

Hey Kramer, Kramer!

Yeah?

What happened to you right here? (She pointing to her forehead)

I don't know!

You know I was watching Entertainment Tonight, and uh, suddenly I got dizzy. And the next thing I know I hit my head on the coffee table.

Well, that is, that is strange.

Yep. (Mumbles off)

Alright, oh Jerry, we're still on for Friday night, right?

Oh Friday, I can't, I'm sorry, I have a date.

But last night you said you were free! (Sounding very disappointed)

We just met.

Maybe it was a reaction to the sardines.

But I, I can't go alone!

Ask George to go with you.

George, come on! I'll pay for you.

You'll pay? I'm there.

Why do you even need anybody?

Because I hate being at a table alone, with a married couple. Talking about their married friends, and their married furniture. They're always trying to make me feel like their life is so much better than mine. You know, I have a very exciting life. It's very exciting. (As she's closing the door to leave)

You went out with a bullfighter?

Yes, well, an ex-bullfighter now.

Wow.

What was his name?

His name? Name, um, his name was uh, uh, Eduardo Carochio.

Pass the salt please.

Where did you meet him?

Um, actually, I met him in Switzerland, and he was fighting uh, is that the word they use? Fighting? Because they don't really fight the bull, they avoid fighting the bull.

Bread.

I just love meeting new people. You know that's how you really do learn about life.

God bless you.

Thank you.

I wasn't going to say anything, but then I could see that he wasn't going to open his mouth. (Chuckles)

You know who's a good actor? Anthony Quinn.

Oh, Anthony Quinn, fine actor. But from what I understand, not a very good driver. Hits everything on the road. But always leaves a note.

Did you ever see Zorba the Greek?

Excellent film. In fact Quinn said he never felt so good as when he left a note after smacking into a car.

Come here. (moves in for a kiss)

Really, I was, I was only kidding around.

He was only joking Michael.

You think you're so damn special because you say 'God bless you'?

No, no, I don't think I'm special. My mother always said I'm not special.

He was only joking Michael! Sorry.

All right! Take his side!

I am not taking his side.

Well who's side are you taking?!

Well I'm not taking your side!

Kirk Douglas. Now there's another very bad driver. But he's such an unbelievable guy, that when he hits someone, he doesn't even leave a note. He sits in his car and waits for the other person to show up so he can exchange license, registration, and apologize.

I said 'God bless you'. Was that so wrong?

The question is, did you allow a space for the husband to come in with his 'God bless you'? Because as the husband, he has the right to first refusal.

It's me.

Come on up.

Yes, yes, I definitely waited. But let me say this: Once he passes on that option, that 'God bless you' is up for grabs.

No argument. Unless, she's one of these multiple sneezers, and he's holding his 'God bless you' in abeyance, until she completes the series.

Well I don't think she is a multiple sneezer, because she sneezed again later, and it was also a single.

What if she's having an off night?

Hi!

Hi.

Well! If it isn't mister gesuntheit!

Oh ya, like there's something wrong with saying 'God bless you'. I was raised to say 'God bless you'.

Ah, shut up.

What does it mean anyway? 'God bless you'. It's a stupid 'stuperstition'.

A stupid what?

Whatever.

You know, if you want to make a person feel better after they sneeze, you shouldn't say 'God bless you', you should say, 'You're soo good lookin''.

Yeah, yeah, that's better than 'God bless you'. Anyway, she left a message on my machine, she wants you to call her.

Who?

Robin!

Why?!

Well I assumed she called to apologize, that's why she called me.

Entertainment Tonight's on.

Where's the remote phone?

Bedroom.

Hey, grab Jerry's sweater for me, would you?

What's it like out?

Chilly out.

Can I take a sweater?

Yeah, you can take a sweater if you want to.

Scarf?

Nah, hey, shut this off, shut it off.

What's the matter? What's going on?

What happened?!

What?

I think I hit my head again!

What is wrong?!

Hey, hey, wait a minute! Let me ask you something. Kramer, the last time you hit your head, was Mary Hart on TV?

Yeah.

That is it!

What?

That is it! Mary Hart's voice, don't you see? There's something about Mary Hart's voice that's giving you seizures. Just like, just like, just like that woman in Albany!

Mary Hart!

God.

What?

Well she apologized, and then she wanted to know if we could get together Wednesday afternoon.

Get together?

Maybe she just wants to talk to me?

Married women don't 'get together'. They have affairs.

Oh my God, an affair. That's so adult. It's like with stockings and martinis, and William Holden. On the other hand it probably wouldn't cost me any money.

Are you actually considering this?

I can't have an affair with a married woman, that's despicable!

Yeah, it's like hitting a car and driving away without leaving a note.

Yeah.

Hey, you know who owns that car?

What car?

The one that was hit a couple of nights ago.

Yeah who?

That blond across the street. You know the one with the long ponytail, she wears those blue sweatpants.

The blond with the blue sweatpants! Yeah, I think I've seen her.

Well I've got to get going. I'm meeting a guy with grey sweatpants.

Wait, wait, wait, how do you know it's not John Tesh?

The blond with the blue sweatpants!

Well, who is she?

I've had a crush on this woman for year! I've always been afraid to approach her! She looks like she belongs on one of these Hallmark cards.

Oh right, right! The blue sweatpants! Gees, it's too bad you can't say anything because of Angela.

Oh yeah. Too bad. Angela. Lousy thug. I mean what kind of sick person does something like that? That woman belongs in prison! I mean, I actually owe it to society to do something about this! I can't sit by and allow this to go on. It's a moral issue is what it is!

You can't compromise your principles!

How am I going to live with myself?!

Can't live!

I'm not religious, but I certainly know where to draw the line!

This country needs more people like you!

Don't sell yourself short saying 'God bless you' to every Tom, Dick and Harry in great personal risk.

I believe strongly in that as you know.

There should be more people like us.

That's why the world's in the shape it's in.

You're telling me.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know, that I'm going to do everything I can to make sure the party responsible is made to be responsible or something very close to that.

Well God bless you.

Thank you very much.

Oh my God. I must be crazy. What have I done?

Oh no, what's wrong?

What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong. I just committed adultery!

You didn't commit adultery, I did.

Oh yeah.

If I didn't do it with you, I would have done it with someone else.

Well, I wouldn't want you to do that. You know there's a lot of losers out there.

Maybe even someone who didn't say 'God bless you'.

Well, that's a given.

In three years with Michael, not one 'God bless you'.

Must be hell living in that house.

Hi, it's Michael.

Hi, Michael!

Is Robin there?

Robin? No, why?

Uh, she said she was going to be with you.

No I haven't spoken to her all day-uh, yeah right, um, as a matter of fact, um, she was here, and she uh, left a note, but I wasn't here, but I have the note, uh, right here.

If she's not with you, then where is she?

Well I, I don't know.

Is she with your bald friend from the other night?!

No, no, come on Michael!

He's finished! I'm going to sew his ass to his face! I'm going to twist his neck so hard his lips will be his eyebrows! I'm going to break his joints, and reattach them!

You're soo good lookin'.

Now you listen to me, suck face! You tell anybody, anything, and I will carve my initials in your brain tissue!

Let me rephra-

I'll bash your skull into a vegematic like a bad cabbage, and I'll have a party on your head!

Hi Elaine, this is Angela.

I'll pluck all your body hairs out with my teeth!

Well I think I get the gist of it.

So you don't say anything to anybody about me hitting that car!

What car?

Good. I'm glad we understand each other.

It's not complicated.

Very nice meeting you!

Come on up.

Well, well, well, Mr. Seinfeld! That must have been so frightening! When you confronted that guy, in Queens! Now, let's just see if I've got this scenario right.

Alright Elaine.

No, no, no, no, no. Because I'm picturing 'French Connection', kind of thing. You know? Sort of a Popeye Doyle chase through the city!

It was just a couple of blocks.

Oh no, no, come on. Don't be so modest!

Hey.

Oh, did you check you machine?

No, why, what's happening?

Michael called me today, and he asked me where Robin was.

Yeah, okay.

And I said I hadn't seen her.

What?!

No, no George! You don't understand! She didn't tell me she was using me as an excuse! Okay?! But then I realized what was going on, and I said that she left a note. Um, but he didn't really buy that. And then, and then he did mention your name.

He mentioned my name?! What did he say?!

He said he was going to sew your ass to your face.

What? Why couldn't you think of something?!

Well I don't know, he caught me off guard!

You lie! How hard is it to lie?!

It's not that hard.

Well who told you to sleep with her George?!

It's not my fault! I wasn't going to do anything until you got her all juiced up with your story about having the affair with the matador!

Oh Gosh! None of this would never have happened if you wouldn't have said 'God bless you'!

Oh don't-

Hold it! Hold it! Hold it people! Matador? What matador?

She told this couple she had an affair with a matador.

A matador! Well, well, well. Uno momento por favor. Pray tell, what was the young man's name?

Uh, Eduardo, uh, Carochio.

Eduardo, Carochio! That's good. That's very good. Kind of just rolls of the tongue. I wonder where on the upper west side a single girl might meet a matador? Perhaps Zabars? Or Les Pizza!

Anyway, this person told me to tell you to get an estimate on the damage.

Well, I already got an estimate. It's $875.

$875?

That's right.

Uh, well, I'll tell you what. Um, I'll give you a check, and then this person can pay me back.

Um, who do I make it out to?

Becky Gelke. G-E-L-K-E.

So, what are you doing this weekend?

You have got some nerve! You smash up my car, you don't admit it, and now you want to ask me out on a date?

I didn't do it!

Yeah righ-

You are soo good lookin'.

Thank you.

Jerry, let's go! You ready?

You sure you want to do this? I'm going to be on the road for three weeks!

Excuse me, I've got a maniac stalking me, I'm not staying in the city.

Alright!

Come on let's get out of here.

How could you?

What?!

Man! I never thought you were capable of this!

What did I do?

I just talked to Becky Gelke outside, she told me how you hit and ran.

I-

I don't even want to look at you anymore! All these years of friendship and you're nothing but a felon. You're an embarrassment to the building.

I didn't do it! I just had to pay her to cover for somebody else!

Now you're not going to lie to me, are you?

No, never.

Alright. Well. Glad we got that straightened out because I've got a date with her.

You got a date with Becky Gelke?!

Yeah, going out with her Saturday night.

Jerry, can we get out of here?!

As a matter of fact, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have even had an excuse to talk to her.

Well I'm happy to help, in any way that I can.