Full screenplay script transcript for Seinfeld S03E14: The Pez Dispenser
23 Scenes289 Lines
Scene 1
Opening Scene
2 lines
George
...pianist. A *classical* pianist. She *plays* the piano. She's a *brilliant* woman. I-I-I sat in her living room... She played the *Waldstein Sonata*! The *Waldstein*!
George
We did a crossword puzzle together, *in bed*. It was the most fun I ever had in my entire life. Did you hear me? in my *life*! Y'know?
Scene 2
Jerry Enters
13 lines
Jerry
Were you talking? I couldn't hear anything.
George
I was telling you about Noel.
Jerry
Oh, Noel! Yeah, the one who plays bongos...
George
[sarcastically] Heh heh heh... So side-splittingly funny...
Jerry
All right, I'm sorry. What about her?
George
What, you think I'm going to repeat the whole thing now?
Jerry
I know, you told me you like her, everything is going good.
George
No everything is *not* going good. I'm very uncomfortable. I have no power. I mean, why should she have the upper hand. *Once* in my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand-- no hand at all. She has the hand; I have *no* hand...
George
How do I get the hand?
Jerry
We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get. You gotta get the hand right from the opening.
George
She's playing a recital this week at the McBierney School. You wanna hear her play? I got two extra tickets, you and Elaine could go...
Jerry
Yeah, that sounds like somethin'...
George
Then afterwards maybe we could all go out together. Y'know she'll see me with my friends, she'll observe me as I really am, as myself. Maybe I can get some hand that way.
Scene 3
Kramer Enters
26 lines
Kramer
Hey, smell my arm... Smell it!
George
With all due respect, I don't think so...
Jerry
That smells good, what is that?
Kramer
The *beach*!
Jerry
The *beach*?
George
What, did you go swimmin'? It's 29 degrees out!
Kramer
I just joined the Polar Bear Club.
Jerry
You joined the *Polar Bears*?!
George
What the Hell is a "Polar Bear"?
Kramer
Well, it's these people-- they go swimmin' in the winter. They're terrific, I just took my first swim today. Brrrrrrr! It's invigorating....
Jerry
Yeah... So's shock therapy.
Jerry
[with glee] What is that, a Pez dispenser?!
Kramer
Want one? Yeah, I just bought it at the Flea Market.
George
Hey, what goes on there, exactly?
Jerry
You don't know?
George
No, I-I-I know... [retreats back to his Chinese take out] I know...
Jerry
You think they have fleas there, don't you?
George
*No*...
Jerry
Yes you do, Biff. You've never been to a Flea Market, and you think they have fleas there.
George
All right, I think they have fleas there. So what...
Elaine
I don't know how anyone does this. It must be *so* nerve racking... How do they warm up their fingers?
Jerry
They have a piano backstage they warm up on.
Elaine
*No*, we would have heard it.
Jerry
What, do you think they just crack their knuckles and come out?
George
I told her we'd all go out afterwards, okay? And don't applaud when she stops playing the first time. It's not over yet.
Jerry
[quickly whispering] I resent that you said that! That's directed at *me*, isn't it?!
Scene 4
A Very Elegant Noel Comes Out and Sits at Her Piano.
15 lines
Jerry
Is this okay? Can I do this? (he claps)
NOEL BEGINS. DRAMATICALLY. IT'S ENOUGH TO MAKE A MAN REACH FOR HIS CANDY POOPER. JERRY HELPS HIMSELF TO A PEZ, HE STANDS TWEETY UP ON ELAINE'S PURSE ON HER LAP. ELAINE VALIANTLY TRIES TO HOLD BACK HER LAUGHTER, BUT IT ESCALATES FROM A GIGGLE TO A CHORTLE TO A CHUCKLE TO LAUGHTER TO SNORTING. NOEL IS VISIBLY SHAKEN AND SHE HAS DIFFICULTY PLAYING WITH THIS ANONYMOUS DISTRACTION FROM ONE OF THE UNWASHED MASSES. ELAINE REMOVES HERSELF FROM THE AUDITORIUM, ALL THE WHILE SNORTING AND GASPING FOR BREATH, (WE'RE TALKIN' FULL-ON GALES OF LAUGHTER, HERE). OUTSIDE, SHE RUNS INTO AN OLD ACQUAINTANCE
Steve
Something I said? [no response] It's John... Mollika.
Elaine
Oh, oh, *John*... Oh, hi John... Hi...
Steve
What're you doing down here?
Elaine
Oh, I was just at this recital and Jerry put a Pez dispenser on my leg and I started laughing.
Mollika
Jerry's in there? I heard you guys broke up.
Elaine
We did. We're just hanging out.
Mollika
REally. ... You really look great.
Elaine
Oh, uh, thank you. Are you still friends with Richie Appel?
Mollika
Oh, Richie, he's been doing comedy in L. A. for a few years. He just got back a month ago. He's kind of messed up. On drugs. I don't know what to do for the guy.
Elaine
Have you thought about an intervention?
Mollika
What's that?
Elaine
You get all his friends in a room, They confront himm to try to get him into rehab. It's a very popular thing now.
Mollika
He'd never listen to anyone. ... Except of course Jerry. He'd listen to Jerry. Jerry would have to be involved. He really respects Jerry.
Scene 5
Outside Noel's Dressing Room
37 lines
Elaine
I'm sorry. George, I'm sorry!
George
What did you put the Pez dispenser on her leg for in the first place?
Jerry
I dunno, it was an impulse.
George
What kind of a sick impulse does that??
Jerry
How could I know she would start to laugh?
Elaine
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I *am*!
Jerry
Can we just go in already?
George
What are we gonna tell her?
Elaine
I'll tell her I was the one who laughed.
George
No, don't say a word. If she thinks my friends are jerks, then I'm a *jerk*...
Elaine
[To Jerry] Oh, remind me to talk to you about something later.
Jerry
What about?
George
Hey, hey! We're discussing something!
Jerry
I know, but I'm distracted now.
George
What are you? A *baby*!? All right. Tell her.
Elaine
When I was outside I ran into John Mollika.
Jerry
Really John Mollika, they guy that used to bartend at the Comedy Club. How's he doing?
Elaine
He's good.
George
Uh, can we cut to the chase?
Jerry
"Cut to the chase"?
George
Yeah...
Jerry
What're you, "Joe Hollywood"?
George
A lot of people say it.
Jerry
I would lose that.
George
[Accusingly] What's *that*?
Jerry
"Lose that"? That's not a Hollywood expression!
George
[Realizing full well it isn't] ...Yes it is.
Elaine
Anyway ... So John told me that Richie is in town from Los Angeles and he's really messed up on drugs. So I told him that he should do an intervention.
Jerry
Really, an intervention ...
George
Y'know people, we got a situation over here!
Elaine
Yeah, but he want's you to be a part of it.
Jerry
Me? Why me?
Elaine
'Cause Richie really respects you and he would listen to you.
Jerry
Y'know these things are *really* hard to load...
George
All right, OK, I'm goin' in.
Jerry
We've got to talk about this (to Elaine)
Elaine
All right.
Scene 6
They Enter
17 lines
George
Hi, hi, hi, You were wonderful.
Noel
No..
George
Oh, these are my friends, Elaine and Jerry, ... Noel
Jerry
You play a *Hell* of a piano.
Elaine
Yeah, I was really moved, *really* moved.
Noel
Well didn't you hear that person laughing? I couldn't play. I was *humiliated...
Elaine
Well, I'm sure it wasn't *at* you.
Noel
Well then, what was she laughing at?
Jerry
Pez?
Noel
Uh, no, No thank you. Did you see her?
George
Me, uh, uh, no, ...
Jerry
Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean only a sick twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.
Elaine
Maybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg.
Jerry
Even if this so called mental defective did put something on her leg she's still the one who laughed.
Noel
I'll never forget that laugh for the rest of my life. [exits]
Elaine
I'm sure she would apologize if she could. Probably somebody is holding her back against every fibre in her being.
George
If she want's to continue to have a fibre of her being she'll be very careful (hitting each other)
Scene 7
Noel Enters
11 lines
George
All right, so are you ready, so we'll go out and get something to eat.
Noel
I don't feel like it tonight.
Jerry
We'll be outside
Elaine
Yeah
Jerry
It was nice meeting you By the way, How do you warm up your fingers before you play?
Noel
I just crack my knuckles.
George
We'll have a good time
Noel
I don't feel like it
George
Ah, come on
Noel
I said I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT!
George
Um, all right, um, uh, I'll call 'ya. I'll call you and we'll talk on the phone. A telephone communiqué. Every thing is fine ok, uh, fine, .. [exits]
Scene 8
Monks
9 lines
Jerry
You know I thing Kramer might have been responsible for getting Richie involved with drugs in the first place.
Elaine
What? How?
Jerry
A few years ago the comedy club had a softball team. Kramer was our first baseman You couldn't get anything by him It was unbelievable. Anyway this one game we came back to win from like 8 runs behind. So Kramer says to Richie why don't you dump the bucket of Gatorade on Marty Benson's head? The club owner. So Richie goes ahead and does it.
Elaine
So? What happened?
Jerry
What happened? The guy was like 67 years old, it was freezing out, he caught a cold, got pneumonia, and a month later he was dead.
Elaine
Shut up!
Jerry
All the comedians were happy. He was one of these club owners nobodu liked anyway. But Richie was never the same.
Elaine
Whar about Kramer?
Jerry
He's the same!
Scene 9
Jerry on Phone at Home
11 lines
Jerry
Are you sure you want me John. I have spoken to Richie in two years. I don't have a good apartment for an intervention. The furniture, it's very non-confrontational. All right All right. Goodbye. [to Kramer] Remember Ricie Appel?
Kramer
(looks shocked) Oh sure, the guy I told to pour the Gatorade that killed Marty Benson?
Jerry
Right, we'll John Mollika is organizing some kind of intervention for him. We're having it here.
Kramer
Can I get in on that?
Jerry
What do you think? It's like a poker game?
Kramer
Is Elaine going?
Jerry
Yeah
Kramer
Well, I knew him as well as she did.
Jerry
Yeah, but John invited her.
Kramer
So what are you saying, you don't want me to intervene?
Jerry
No, intervene, go intervene all you want. I am just afraid you might be interfering while we're intervening.
Scene 10
Buzzer
6 lines
George
It's George
Jerry
Stop smelling your arm.
Kramer
You know I got a great idea for a cologne. The Beach. You spray it on and you smell like you just came home from the beach
Jerry
Hum, a cologne that smells like the beach. I can't believe I'm saying this, "That's not a bad idea."
Kramer
Tell me about it!
Jerry
Why don't you call Steve D'Jiff, he works in the marketing department at Calvin Klein. In fact he's a good friend of John Mollika and Richie also.
Scene 11
George Enters
16 lines
George
Well it's over. It's definitely over.
Jerry
She broke up with you?
George
No, but I can tell she's going to. I can sense it. We had this terrible phone conversation. I was so nervous before I called I made up this whole list of things to talk about.
Jerry
What was on the list?
George
Let's see, How I'm very good at going in reverse in my car, why isn't Postum a more popular drink,
Jerry
Yeah, Postum is under-ratted,
George
Anyway there was all this tension. I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner and she said "no, maybe we could get together for lunch." You know what that means.
Jerry
What's wrong with lunch?
George
Lunch is fine at the beginning then you move on to dinner. you don't move back to lunch. It's like being demoted. I'll never do another crossword puzzle with her again. I know it.
Kramer
I like the Jumble You ever do the Jumble?
George
I have no power Do you understand? I need hand. I have no hand.
Kramer
Break up with her
George
What?
Kramer
You break up with her. You reverse everything that way.
Jerry
A preemptive breakup.
George
A preemptive breakup. This is an incredible idea. I got nothing to lose. We either break up which she would do anyway but at least I go out with some Dignity. Completely turn the tables. It's absolutely brilliant.
Scene 12
Monks
25 lines
George
So, I am have to going to break up with you.
Noel
You're breaking up with me?
George
I, ... am breaking up with, ... you.
Noel
Wow.
George
Shocked?
Noel
I really am.
George
Never expected this did you?
Noel
I thought everything was fine.
George
Well, live and learn.
Noel
I don't understand. You're breaking up with me. Didn't we have fun doing the crossword puzzles?
George
Kind of.
Noel
I'm very confused.
George
Well, I didn't mean to hurt you kid.
Noel
I thought,...
George
Now, stop it ...
Noel
What do you want, I can make you happy.
George
When you're playing the piano do you think about me?
Noel
I don't know.
George
This is what I'm talking about.
Noel
OK, I'll think about you.
George
All the time.
Noel
All the time? ... OK, All the time.
George
I can't hear you.
Noel
All the time. ALL THE TIME.
George
See, It's not so hard.
Scene 13
Calvin Klein
11 lines
Kramer
Go ahead smell, smell
Steve
Yeah, so?
Kramer
Do you recognize it? ... The beach.
Steve
What are you talking about?
Kramer
Oh, I'm talking about the beach.
Steve
What about it?
Kramer
You know the way you smell when you first come home from the beach? Well, I want to make a cologne that captures the essence of that smell. Oh yeah.
Steve
That is the dumbest idea I have ever heard.
Kramer
Oh, wait, Did you here what I just said?
Steve
Do you think people are going to pay $80 a bottle to smell like dead fish and sea weed? That's why people take showers when the come home from the beach. It's an objectionable offensive odour.
Kramer
So you don't think it's a good idea?
Scene 14
To Elaine
3 lines
Guy
The membranes get dried and it just starts bleeding. Since I was a kid so I have to stick tissue up there
Elaine
(very uninterested) Uh, you have to work like that?
Guy
Nobody minds Nobody has ever said anything to me.
Scene 15
To Jerry
16 lines
Other Guy
Are there any ice cubes?
Jerry
In the freezer.
Other Guy
I looked. There aren't any ice cubes.
Jerry
Well I guess there aren't any ice cubes.
Other Guy
I can't drink this. It's warm! (walks away)
Guy
Shouldn't we rehearse this a little bit before Richie comes?
Steve
What's the plan?
Jerry
Do I have to talk? I don't feel like talking.
Other Guy
Well, if he's not going to talk I'm not going to talk either.
Guy
No, we all have to talk.
Elaine
What's the order?
Guy
We'll go in alphabetical order. First Roberta.
Roberta
Why am I first?
Elaine
Albano is your last name.
Roberta
That's not my name any more. I'm divorced.
Steve
I'll go first.
Scene 16
Kramer Enters
11 lines
Kramer
Hey.
Jerry
Hey.
Kramer
Is this the interference?
Jerry
Intervention.
Other Guy
What are you doing here?
Kramer
Uh, is it all right if I stay for the intervention?
Steve
Hey, this is for close friends only.
Kramer
I'm a friend. Who do you think told him to pour the Gatorade over Marty Benson's head?
Other Guy
Let him stay.
Kramer
Hey, you know I got someone to make up that cologne for me, big mouth.
Steve
Somebody's going to make that crap?
Scene 17
Some Old Guys Enter
8 lines
Old Guy
Kramer!
Kramer
Hey, come on, these are some of my polar bear buddies.
Other Guy
They can't stay.
Old Guy
We're having a party here?
Jerry
No, we're having an intervention
Old Guy
An intervention? Who's intervening?
Jerry
There's a friend of ours on drugs and we're going to confront him.
Old Guy
Sure, we used to do that when one of our polar bears stopped coming. We would go to his house and say, "What you don't want to be a polar bear anymore? It's too cold for you?"
Scene 18
Buzzer
10 lines
Guy
It's him.
Roberta
What should we do?
Elaine
Hide!
Jerry
It's NOT a surprise party! Yeah (to intercom)
George
It's George
Jerry
Yeah, come on up. ... It's not him.
Guy
If you don't go out with me it's because I'm a bar tender.
Elaine
Look, I don't think this is appropriate right now.
Guy
Is it because I have a tissue in my nose?
Elaine
You're getting warm.
Scene 19
George and Noel Enter (noel Looks Awful)
6 lines
George
We just came from Chadway's What's going on.
Jerry
We're having the intervention for Richie.
George
Oh, right, right, the intervention. Should we leave?
Jerry
Well, uh..
Noel
(happily) Elaine, hi.
Elaine
Oh, hi Noel
Scene 20
Noel Sits on Couch with Elaine with Old Guy Between Them
10 lines
Jerry
Well, you're looking well.
George
Jerry, let me tell you something, "A man without hand is not a man." I got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves. I got to thank Kramer.
Steve
Even if I were dragged through manure I still wouldn't put that stuff on.
George
(to Kramer) This man is a genius. Genius!
Steve
You think so?
George
I don't think so I know so, Kramer, come here I got to talk to you
Old Man
The male kangaroo doesn't have a pouch only the female has it. The male has pouch envy.
Elaine
(Chuckles)
Old GUY; at least give me a pocket.
Elaine
(laughs)
Scene 21
Noel Turns to Elaine. Jerry Raises His Eyes to Heaven
9 lines
Noel
That laugh. That's the laugh. That's it. You're the one.
Elaine
No, no. It was an accident. It really wasn't my fault. It was Jerry. Jerry put a Pez dispenser on my leg.
Noel
You put a Pez dispenser on her leg during my recital?.
Jerry
I didn't know she would laugh.
Noel
You lied to me George, you lied to me.
George
No, I, uh, um, wa, wa, What did I do? ... Where are you going?
Noel
I ... am breaking up ... with you!
George
You can't break up with me. I've got hand.
Noel
And you're going to need it.
Scene 22
Richie and John Enter
2 lines
Jerry
Hey Richie
Richie
So what's going on?
Scene 23
Later
15 lines
Jerry
It was pretty ugly from the get go. he's not listening, He's hostile, he's talking back.
George
I can't do these puzzles.
Jerry
So he starts to get up He spots the Pez dispenser on the coffee table
George
Ah ah Pez dispenser.
Jerry
He picks it up - he stares at it - It's like he's hypnotized by it. Then he's telling us this story about how when he was a kid he was in the car with his father, and his father was trying to load one of them
George
Well they're hard to load.
Jerry
Tell me something I don't know. So as the father's trying to load it he loses control of the car and it crashes into a high school cafeteria. Nobody's hurt but Pez is all over the car. And the dispenser was destroyed virtually beyond recognition.
George
Poor kid.
Jerry
So as he's telling the story he starts crying.
George
What did you do?
Jerry
What do you think? I gave him my Pez dispenser.
George
Wow
Jerry
Two hours later he checks into Smither's clinic. I talked to the doctor yesterday. He's doing great on the rehab. He's hooked on Pez. He's eating them like there's no tomorrow.
