Full screenplay script transcript for Seinfeld S03E17: The Boyfriend
15 Scenes323 Lines
Scene 1
Opening Scene
1 lines
To me, going to the health club, you see all these people and they're working out, and they're training and they're getting in shape but the strange thing is nobody is really getting in shape for anything. The only reason that you're getting in shape is that so you can get through the workout. So we're working out, so that we'll be in shape, for when we have to do our exercise. This is the whole thing. The other thing I don't get about it, is why we're so careful about locking up our dirty towels and smelly jock-straps. What exactly is the black market on these disgusting gym clothes? I give my car to any valet guy in front of a restaraunt because he has a short red jacket, yeah he must be the valet guy, I don't even think about it but my stinking, putrified gym clothes, I got one of these locks you could put a bullet through it and it won't open. That stuff is safe.
Scene 2
Gym Locker Room
62 lines
Kramer
Wide open, I was wide open underneath! I had three inches on that guy. You two were hogging the ball.
George
Me? It wasn't me I never even saw the ball. All you do is dribble.
Jerry
I have to dribble, if I give it to you, you just shoot. You're a chucker.
George
Oh I'm a chucker.
Jerry
That's right, everytime you get the ball you shoot.
George
I can't believe you called me a chucker. No way I'm a chucker, I do not chuck, never chucked, never have chucked, never will chuck, no chuck!
Jerry
You chuck.
Geroge
Kramer am I a chucker?
Kramer
You're a chucker.
George
All these years I've been chuckin' and you've never told me?
Jerry
Well it's not an easy thing to bring up.
Kramer
Hey you know this is the first time we've ever seen each other naked.
Jerry
Believe me I didn't see anything.
Kramer
Oh, you didn't sneak a peak?
Jerry
No, did you?
Kramer
Yeah, I snuck a peak.
Jerry
Why?
Kramer
Why not? hey what about you George?
George
yeah, I ... I snuck a peak. ... But it was so fast I didn't see anything. It was just a blur.
Jerry
I made a conscious effort not to look. There's certain information I just don't want to have.
Kramer
Uh, I gotta go meet Newman. All right. I'll see you later.
Jerry
All right
Kramer
Have a good one.
Jerry
All right
George
See ya.
(Kramer exits)
George
look at this guy. Does he have to stretch in here?
Jerry
You know who that is? That's
George
Keith Hernandez? The baseball player?
Jerry
Yeah, that's him.
George
Are you sure?
Jerry
Positive.
George
Wow, Keith Hernandez. He's such a great player.
Jerry
Yeah, he's a real smart guy too. He's a Civil War buff.
George
I'd love to be a Civil War buff. ... What do you have to do to be a buff
Jerry
So Biff wants to be a buff? ... Well sleeping less than 18 hours a day would be a start.
George
ho ho ho ho. You know I only got two weeks left of unemployment. I got to prove I've been looking for a job to get an extension
Jerry
Hey, should we say something to him?
George
Oh, yeah I'm sure he loves to hear from fans in the locker room.
Jerry
well he could say hello to me. I wouldn't mind.
George
He's Keith Hernandez. You're Jerry Seinfeld.
Jerry
So?
George
What are you comparing yourself to Keith Hernandez. The guys a baseball player Jerry, Baseball!
Jerry
I know what he is. I recognized him. You didn't even notice him.
George
What, ... you are making some wisecracks in a night club... wo wo wo. The guy was in game SIX two runs down two outs facing elimination.
Keith
Excuse me. I don't want to disturb you, I'm Keith Hernandez and I just want to tell you what a big fan I am. I love your comedy.
Jerry
Really?
Keith
I've always wanted to do what you do.
Jerry
What I do? You are one of my favorite ball players of all time
George
Mine too.
Keith
I love that bit about Jimmy Olson
Jerry
Thank you.
George
You know Keith, what I've always wondered, with all these ball clubs flying around all season don't you think there would be a plane crash? ...
Keith
(to Jerry) Do you perform anywhere in new York right now?
Jerry
I'm performing in this club on the east Side. You should come in.
George
But if you think about it...26 teams, 162 games a season, you'd think eventually an entire team would get wiped out.
Keith
You know, I live on the East Side.
Jerry
I'll tell you what, I'll give you my number and uh, just give me a call, tell me whenever you want to go.
Keith
Or maybe just to get together for a cup of coffee
Jerry
Oh. that would be great.
George
Uh, it's only a matter of time.
Keith
Who's this chucker?
Scene 3
Monks
27 lines
Jerry
It's been three days and he hasn't called.
Elaine
Well maybe you should call him.
Jerry
I can't ... I can't
Elaine
Why not?
Jerry
I don't know. I just feel he should call me.
Elaine
What's the difference?
Jerry
You don't understand, Elaine. I don't want to be overanxious. If he wants to see me he has my number, he should call.
Elaine
Yech, look at this ashtray. I hate cigarettes.
Jerry
I can't stand these guys. You give your number to them and then they don't call. Why do they do that?
Elaine
I'm sorry honey.
Jerry
I mean, I thought he liked me. I really thought he liked me. we were getting along. He came over to me I didn't go over to him.
Elaine
No,
Jerry
Why did he come over to me if he didn't want to see me?
Elaine
I know.
Jerry
What did he come over to me if he didn't want to see me? I mean here I meet this guy this great guy, a baseball player, best guy I ever met in my life. .. Well that's it. I'm never giving my number out to another guy again.
Elaine
Sometimes I've given my number out to guys and it takes them a month to call.
Jerry
Hu, good, good,... well if he's calling in a month he's got a prayer!
Elaine
You know maybe he's been busy. Maybe he's been out of town?
Jerry
Oh, they don't have phones out of town? Why do(?) people say they're too busy. Too busy. Pick up a phone!! It takes two minutes. How can you be too busy?
Elaine
Why don't you just go ahead and call him?
Jerry
I can't call here, it's a coffee shop. I mean what am I going to say to him?
Elaine
Just ask him if he wants a to get together.
Jerry
For what dinner?
Elaine
Dinner's good.
Jerry
Don't you think that's coming on a little too strong? .. Isn't that like a turn off?
Elaine
Jerry, He's A GUY!
Jerry
... this is all .. very confusing.
Scene 4
Middle Monologue
1 lines
When you're in your thirties it's very hard to make a new friend. Whatever the group is that you've got now that's who you're going with. you're not interviewing, you're not looking at any new people, you're not interested in seeing any applications. They don't know the places. They don't know the food. They don't know the activities, If I meet a guy in a club on the gym or someplace I'm sure you're a very nice person you seem to have a lot of potential, but we're just not hiring right now. Of course when you're a kid, you can be friends with anybody. Remember when you were a little kid what were the qualifications? If someone's in front of my house NOW, That's my friend, they're my friend. That's it. Are you a grown up.? No. Great! Come on in. Jump up and down on my bed. And if you have anything in common at all, You like Cherry Soda? I like Cherry Soda! We'll be best friends!
Scene 5
New York State Department of Labor
25 lines
Mrs. Sokol
You know you only have two more weeks before your benefits run out.
George
Yes and I was hoping ... to get a thirteen week extension.
Mrs. Sokol
So where have you been looking for work?
George
Well you know what I've discovered Mrs. Sokol. It's not so much the looking as the listening. I listen for work. And as I'm looking and listening I am also looking. You can't discount looking. It's sort of a combination. It's looking, and listening, listening and looking. But you must look.
Mrs. Sokol
Can you be specific about any of these companies?
George
Specific, Ah, lets see. I've walked in and out of so many buildings they all .. blend in together, I uh, ..
Mrs. Sokol
Well just give me one name.
George
Absolutely, uh, lets see there's, uh, Vandelay Industries, I just saw them. I got very close there. very close.
Mrs. Sokol
And what type of company is that?
George
Latex, latex manufacturing
Mrs. Sokol
And you interviewed there?
George
Yes, for a sales position. Latex salesman, the selling of latex, and latex related products. They just wouldn't give me a chance.
Mrs. Sokol
I'm going to need an address and a phone number for this uh, Vandelay company...
Goerge
You like gum? 'Cause I have a friend in the gum business. I got a gum guy. I make one phone call. I got boxes of delivered right to your door.
Mrs. Sokol
The address!
George
YYYDDSSHE(?) ... Jose Jimenez. You recognize it?
Mrs. Sokol
No.
George
Jose Jimenez, ... verrry funny. ..very funny.
Mrs. Sokol
The ADDRESS!
George
uh, Uh, Vandelay Industries, is uh. 129 West 81st street. It's a very small industry Vandelay. It's one of the reasons I wanted to uh, work for them.
Mrs. Sokol
The PHONE number.
George
That's uh, KL5-8383. Are you calling them soon because, they keep very strange hours.
Mrs. Sokol
As soon as I'm done wit you!
George
Sure, well uh, you know I'll check in with you next week uh, I gotta run now because I got a full plate this afternoon. All right, really go to uh,.
(George runs down hall)
Scene 6
Street Phone Booth. George Pulls Kid Out of Booth
1 lines
George
(Frantically, takes phone and screams...) He'll call you back.
Scene 7
Jerry's Apartment
4 lines
Kramer
(loungingly talking on phone) It's a par five. So you know I step up to the tee and I hit a beautiful drive right down the middle of the fairway. I mean you know my hook, right?
Jerry
Elaine, how about this shirt? Is this okay?
Elaine
Jerry, ... He's a GUY!
Kramer
well it's a dog leg left, so I play the hook right? .. hold on there's another call.
Scene 8
Phone Booth
6 lines
George
(Frantically) Jerry, Jerry?
Kramer
George?
George
Kramer put Jerry on the phone.
Kramer
(Angrily) Yeah, look I'm in the middle of something. Call back.
George
Kramer!! Kramer no!!
Kramer
... so the ball takes of and I'm waiting for it to turn.
Scene 9
Phone Booth
3 lines
George
hitting phone
(Cop bangs on booth with kid beside him)
(George looks at him)
Scene 10
Jerry's Apartment
17 lines
Kramer
Yeah, I'll talk to Jerry. Yeah, [Hangs up] . . . you know that was Michael and Carol. She's wondering when we're going to come over and see the baby.
Jerry
Oh, see the baby again with the baby..
Elaine
Who are they?
Jerry
Uh, he's this guy who used to live in the building and they keep calling us to see the baby.
Jerry
(imitates) Ya' gotta see the baby - When are ya' gonna see the baby... Can't they just send us a tape?
Elaine
You know if you waited a few more months it won't be a baby anymore then you wouldn't have to see it.
Jerry
Uh uh because then it would be all grown up.
Elaine
yeah ha ha ha
Jerry
Hey Kramer, what do you think of this shirt?
Kramer
(does a double take) It's too busy.
Elaine
It looks like you're trying too hard to make an impression on him. You're not being yourself.
Kramer
What guy?
Jerry
I know he's just a guy but... I LIKE him.
Kramer
Who are you talkin about?
Jerry
Uh, Keith uh Hernandez.
Kramer
KEITH HERNANDEZ?
Newman
(enters) KEITH HERNANDEZ?
Scene 11
In Cab
10 lines
George
Do me a favor, would you? Would you change lanes? Would you get outta this lane? You gotta get out of this lane. This lane stinks. They're all double parked here. Please get outta this lane. I'm beggin' you please please.
(Changes lanes)
George
You know what, bad mistake my mistake do me a favor go back to the other lane - you'll never get there - forget this lane - y'know what this lane stinks - go back to the other lane - bad decision - go go go take this light - take this light -
Cabby
That's it GET OUT!!
George
Get out?
Cabby
Get out of my cab.
George
Wa, I'm not getting out of this cab
(Cabby gets out)
George
No, no! You can't throw me out
(Wrestling in cab)
Scene 12
Jerry's Apartment
60 lines
Jerry
Hellooo Newman.
Kramer
I hate KEITH HERNANDEZ - hate him.
Newman
I despise him.
Elaine
Why?
Newman
Why? I'll tell you why...
Kramer
Let me tell it ..
Newman
No, you can't tell it ..
Kramer
You always tell it ..
Newman
All right, tell it.
Kramer
Ja ja ja - just tell it
Newman
June 14, 1987... Mets, Phillies. We're enjoying a beautiful afternoon in the right field stands when a crucial Hernandez error opens the door to a five run Phillies ninth. Cost the Mets the game.
Kramer
Our day was ruined. There was a lot of people, you know, they were waiting by the player's parking lot. Now we're coming down the ramp ... [cut to film of the day - like the Zapruder film - with the Umbrella man and everything - Oh so brilliant parody!!!] ... Newman was in front of me. Keith was coming toward us. As he passes, Newman turns and says, "Nice game, pretty boy." Keith continued past us up the ramp.
Newman
A second later, something happened that changed us in a deep and profound way from that day forward.
Elaine
What was it?
Kramer
He spit on us... and I screamed out, "I'm hit!"
Newman
Then I turned and the spit ricochet off him and it hit me.
Elaine
Wow! What a story.
Jerry
Unfortunately, the immutable laws of physics contradict the whole premise of your account. Allow me to reconstruct this, if I may, for Miss Benes as I've heard this story a number of times.
Jerry
Newman, Kramer, if you'll indulge me. According to your story, Keith passes you and starts walking up the ramp. Then, you say you were struck on the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple striking Newman between the third and fourth rib. The spit then came off the rib, turned and hit Newman in the right wrist, causing him to drop his baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, pauses - in midair, mind you - makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh. That is one magic loogie.
Newman
Well, that's the way it happened.
Jerry
What happened to your head when you got hit?
Kramer
Well, uh, well my head went back and to the left.
Jerry
Again
Kramer
Back and to the left
Jerry
Back and to the left. Back and to the left.
Elaine
So, what are you saying?
Jerry
I am saying that the spit could not have come from behind... that there had to have been a second spitter behind the bushes on the gravelly road. If the spitter was behind you as you claimed, that would have caused your head to pitch forward.
Elaine
So the spit could have only come from the front and to the right.
Jerry
But that is not what they would have you believe.
Newman
I'm leavin'. Jerry's a nut. (Exits)
Kramer
Wait, wait, (Exits)
Jerry
The sad thing is we may never know the real truth.
(George runs in)
George
(Frantically) Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay industries?
Jerry
No. What happened to you?
George
Now, listen closely. I was at the unemployment office and I told them that I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries and I gave them your phone number. So, when now when the phone rings you've got to answer "Vandelay Industries".
Jerry
I'm Vandelay Industries?
George
Right.
Jerry
And what is that?
George
You're in latex
Jerry
Latex? And what do I do with latex?
George
Ya manufacture it.
Elaine
Here in this little apartment?
Jerry
And what do I say about you?
George
You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman.
Jerry
I'm going to hire you as my latex salesman?
George
Right.
Jerry
I don't think so. Why would I do that?
George
Because I asked you to.
Jerry
If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk pushing papers around, you can forget it. I have enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff.
(Buzzer)
Jerry
Yeah.
Kramer
It's Keith.
Jerry
All right we're coming down.
George
KEITH HERNANDEZ:?
Jerry
Yeah, come on Elaine, lets go.
George
Where are you goin?
Elaine
He's giving me a ride You know there had to have been a second spitter. But who was it? Who had the motive?
Jerry
That's what I've been trying to figure out the past five years.
George
What the hell are you two talking about? (All exit)
Scene 13
Keith's Car
24 lines
Jerry
Well that was really fun, thanks.
Keith
Yeah, it really was.
Jerry(mind)
Should I shake his hand?
Jerry
Well, ...
Keith
UH, do you want to catch a movie this weekend? Have you seen JFK?
Jerry
No, I haven't.
Jerry(mind)
This weekend. WOW!
Jerry
Sure, that would be great.
Jerry(mind)
Damn, I was too overanxious, he must have noticed that.
Jerry
I mean, ... if you want to.
Keith
Well, how about this Friday?
Jerry
Yeah, Friday's okay.
Jerry(mind)
Go ahead shake his hand. You're Jerry Seinfeld. You've been on the Tonight Show.
Jerry
Well, good night [holds hand out and shakes hand]
Keith
Goodnight. Oh, Jer, by the way, the woman we gave a ride to earlier tonight,
Jerry
Elaine?
Keith
Yeah. What's her story?
Jerry
Uh, I don't know, we used to go out.
Keith
Would you mind if I gave her a call?
Jerry
For a date?
Keith
Yeah.
Jerry
Oh, no, uh, go ahead. You got a pen?
Keith
You sure you don't mind?
Jerry
.... (silence)
Scene 14
Jerry's Apartment
70 lines
Jerry
So then we went to dinner.
George
Who paid?
Jerry
We split it.
George
Split it. Pretty good. Talk about game six?
Jerry
Naw, I gotta wait until its just the right time.
(Buzzer)
Jerry
Yeah
Elaine
It's Elaine.
Jerry
Come on up.
George
So then what?
Jerry
Uh, nuthin'. Then he took me home.
George
Shake his hand?
Jerry
(smiling) Yeah
George
What kind of a shake does he have?
Jerry
Good shake. Perfect shake. Single pump, not too hard, you know, doesn't have to prove anything, but, you know, firm enough to know he was there.
George
So, uh, you gonna see him again?
Jerry
He asked me if I was doing anything Friday night.
George
Wow! The weekend.
Jerry
So then as I was getting out of the car, ...
Elaine
HI
Jerry
Hi Elaine.
Elaine
Sooo, how was your date?
Jerry
What date? It's a GUY.
Elaine
So you know , ... he called me.
Jerry
Already?
George
Keith called you?
(Elaine nods)
George
He he This guy really gets around.
Elaine
Do you mind?
Jerry
I don't mind at all. Why should I mind? What did he say?
Elaine
He asked me out for Saturday night.
Jerry
Oh, ya' going?
Elaine
I told him I was busy.
Jerry
Ah, really.
Elaine
So, we're going out Friday.
(Long pause)
Jerry
Friday?
Elaine
yeah.
Jerry
He's going' out with you on Friday?
Elaine
Yeah.
Jerry
He's supposed to see ME on Friday.
Elaine
Oh, uh, I didn't know.
Jerry
We made plans.
Elaine
Well, uh, I'll cancel it.
Jerry
No, don't cancel it.
Elaine
Huh. Well this is a little awkward, isn't it/
Jerry
Well, frankly it is.
Elaine
I've never seen you jealous before.
Jerry
Well you're not even a fan. I was at game six - you didn't even watch it.
Elaine
Wait a second wait a minute, You jealous of him or you jealous of me?
(Long pause)
Jerry
Any Hennigans around here?
(Phone rings)
Jerry
Vandelay Industries, Kel Varnsen speaking. May we help you? ... Oh Hi Keith. Na, I was just jokin' around
Jerry
No. No. I don't mind at all.
Elaine
(quietly) No, no, no, I can cancel.
Jerry
Sure, we can do something next week.
Elaine
(quietly) I can cancel.
Jerry
No, its no problem at all.
Elaine
(quietly) I,...
Jerry
Okay, take it easy. (hangs up) That was Keith. we're going to do something next week.
(Kramer enters)
Kramer
Hey
Jerry
Hey what are you doing Friday night?
Jerry
Friday night? Nothin', ... now.
Kramer
Okay, wanna come with me and see the baby?
Jerry
Fasten your seat belts. we're goin' to see the baby.
Kramer
Come on, if you don't see the baby now you're never gonna see it
Jerry
All right, I'll go
Kramer
All right
Scene 15
Scene 15
12 lines
(Jerry exits with garbage)
(Kramer sits beside Elaine - awkward moment)
(phone rings)
Kramer
Yallo. What delay industries?
Elaine
no no , ..
George
(from bathroom) VANDELAY, SAY VANDELAY!
Kramer
Na, you're way way way off.. Well, yeah that's the right number but this is an apartment
