Full screenplay script transcript for Seinfeld S03E17: The New Friend
14 Scenes247 Lines
Scene 1
Opening Scene
15 lines
Mrs. Sokol
Just sign here please.
George
I know who it was too. It was the guy who interviewed me. He was very threatened by me. Why else wouldn't he hire me? I could sell latex like that (snaps fingers).
Mrs. Sokol
Sign that.
George
Who is this? (sees photo)
Mrs. Sokol
It's my daughta'
George
THIS is your daughter? My God! My God! I I hope you don't mind my saying. She is breathtaking.
Mrs. Sokol
Ya' think so?
George
Ah, would you take this picture away from me. Take it away and get it outta here. Let me just sign this and go.
Mrs. Sokol
You know she doesn't even have a boyfriend.
George
Okay, Okay. Who do you think you're talking to? What are ya'… you trying to make a joke, because it's not funny. I can tell you that.
Mrs. Sokol
I'm serious.
George
It's one think to not give me the extension But to tease and to torture me like this. There's no call for that.
Mrs. Sokol
Would you like her phone numba'?
Mrs. Sokol
Mrs. Sokol I, I don't know what to say. I, uh, where should I sign this thing?
Mrs. Sokol
No no no, Don't worry about it.
Scene 2
Fitzpatrick's Bar
3 lines
Elaine
So tell me more about this game SIX.
Keith
Well, there was two outs, bottom of the tenth, we're one out away from losing the series.
Elaine
ooooh ahhh
Scene 3
Mike and Carol's Apartment
19 lines
Kramer
(to baby) Koochie koochie koochie koo
Jerry
(to baby) Hello. How are you/
Carol
So, wadda ya' think? Do you love her?
Jerry
Yes. I do love her. (to baby) You have a very nice place here.
Carol
So how do you think she looks like?
Kramer
Lyndon Johnson.
Carol
What? Lyndon Johnson?
Jerry
He's joking.
Kramer
I'm not joking. She looks like Lyndon Johnson.
Carol
Jerry, I can't believe it took you so long to come see the baby. I kept saying to Michael, "When is Jerry going to see the baby?"
Jerry
I was saying the same thing.
Carol
Let's take a picture. Michael, get the camera.
Jerry
Uh, you don't have to take a picture.
Mike
I don't know where it is.
Carol
It's in the bottom draw' of are dressa'. Hurry up! … He's such an idiot.
Jerry
Jerry, You want to pick her up?
Jerry
I better not.
Kramer
I'll pick her up.
(The Baby cries)
Scene 4
George's Car
13 lines
Carrie
Thank you for a wonderful time George.
George
Glad you enjoyed it.
Carrie
I haven't had a Big Mac in a long time.
George
… millions and millions …
Carrie
Would you like to come up?
George
[pause] Would I like to come up? I would love to come up. I, I'm fighting not to. Fighting! Unfortunately I uh have to get an early start tomorrow. Gotta' get up and hit that pavement
Carrie
But it's Saturday. all the offices are closed.
George
I got me an appointment with a hardware store. I'm not saying I want to do it for the rest of my life, but, uh, hardware fascinates me. Don't you love to make a key?
Carrie
Will you call me as soon as you get home?
George
[pause] Tonight?
Carrie
Yes.
George
Will I call you when I get home? ha ha What do you think? ee, you kill me kill me
Carrie
Well. good night.[puckers up]
Scene 5
Mike and Carol's Apartment
1 lines
Kramer
Well it was an accident. Right Jerry it was an accident. Ah, she's going to be all right. .. baby, baby, ah, baby.
Scene 6
Keith's Car
15 lines
Elaine
Well, thanks for a nice evening. It was really fun.
Keith
Yeah, it was. [mind] Gosh, should I kiss her good night?
Elaine
[mind] Is he going to try to kiss me?
Elaine
I love Cajun cooking.
Keith
Really, you know my mom's one quarter Cajun.
Elaine
Uh, my father's half drunk. ha ha ha ha
Keith
Maybe they should get together. [mind] Go ahead. Kiss her. I'm a baseball player dammit.
Elaine
[mind] What's he waiting for? I thought he was a cool guy.
Keith
[mind] Come on I won the MVP in 79. I can do whatever I want to.
Elaine
[mind] This is getting awkward.
Keith
Well, goodnight
Elaine
Good night
(they kiss - REALLY KISS)
Elaine
[mind] Who does this guy think he is?
Keith
[mind] I'm Keith Hernandez.
Scene 7
Jerry's Apartment
44 lines
Elaine
Uh, who else? … Mookie. Mookie was there. Do you know him?
Jerry
I don't know him. I know who he is.
Elaine
Hum, he's such a great guy. You should meet him. You know he's the one who got that hit …
Jerry
I know. He got the hit in game SIX. So, so then what happened?
Elaine
Nuthin'. Then he took me home.
Jerry
So, did you two, uh, … have uh, …
Elaine
What?!
Jerry
… You know
Elaine
Milk?
Jerry
No!
Elaine
Cookies?
Jerry
Did he kiss you good night?
Elaine
I dunno.
Jerry
What do you mean you don't know?
Elaine
All right. He kissed me. Okay?
Jerry
Well, what kind of a kiss? Was it a peck? Was it a kiss? Was it a long make out thing?
Elaine
Between a peck and a make out.
Jerry
So, you like him.
Elaine
I don't understand. Before you were jealous of me. Now you're jealous of him?
I said yes, but I don't feel right about it. I mean I hardly know the guy. That's a big step oin a relationship. The biggest. That's like going all the way.
Elaine
And you feel you're not really ready for,…
Jerry
Well we went out one time. Don't you think that's coming on a little too strong?
(Kramer enters)
Kramer
What's going on?
Jerry
Keith Hernandez just asked me to help him move.
Kramer
What? Well, you hardly know the guy…. What a nerve. You see wasn't I right about this guy? Didn't I tell you? Now, you're not going to do it are you?
Jerry
… I said yes.
Kramer
YOU SAID YES!? Don't you have any pride or self respect? I mean, how can you prostitute yourself like this? I mean what are you going to do? You're going to start driving him to the airport?
Jerry
I'm NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT! ..
Kramer
yeah yeah
Jerry
hey Kramer do me a favour .
Kramer
What?
Jerry
Don't mention it to anybody.
Kramer
I wish you never mentioned it to ME. [exits]
Scene 8
George's Car
13 lines
George
I had a great time tonight Carrie. And I am going to call you as soon as I get home.
Carrie
Don't bottha
George
Bother, wa', what kind of bother?
Carrie
I would prefa' it if ya' didn'.
George
Why? Is there anything wrong?
Carrie
It's over buddy. Done. Finished. So long. Good bye. Adios. Sayanara.
George
Why?
Carrie
I bin thinkin about it. You got no job. You got no prospects. You're like Biff Loman.
George
I went to the hardware store interview.
Carrie
You think I'm going to spend my life with somebody because he can get me a deal on a box of nails?
George
I thought were a team.
Carrie
If I ever need a drill bit I'll call you. (exits car)
George
Carrie, could you do me a favour? Could you not mention this to your mother?
Scene 9
Fitzpatrick's Bar
19 lines
Kramer
Ya know I hate to brag but, uh, I did win eleven straight golden gloves.
Elaine
(chuckles)
Kramer
I wouldn't have brought it up but since you mentioned it.
Elaine
Ha, I didn't mention it.
Kramer
Well I won them anyway.
Elaine
Well so what. I mean you played first base. I mean they always put the worst player on first base. That's were they put me and I stunk.
Kramer
Elaine. you don't know the first thing about first base.
Elaine
ha ha well I know something about getting to first base. And I know you'll never be there.
Kramer
The way I figure it I've already been there and I plan on rounding second tonight at around eleven o'clock.
Elaine
Well, uh, I'd watch the third base coach if I were you 'cause I don't think he's waving you in. You know I hate to say this but I think we're really hitting it off. Get it? Get it?
Kramer
Funny.
(Keith takes out a cigarette)
Elaine
What are you doing?
Kramer
What's that?
Elaine
You smoke?
Kramer
Yeah.
Elaine
I didn't know you SMOKED.
Kramer
Is that a problem?
Elaine
Uh, …
Scene 10
Monks
28 lines
Jerry
She likes him I mean she really likes him.
George
How do you kn ow?
Jerry
Who wouldn't like him? I like him. And I'm a guy.
George
I suppose he's an attractive man, I , …
Jerry
Forget that. He's a ball player. MVP< 1979. I'm making wise cracks in some night club. This guy was in game six. They're a perfect match. They like go together. They're like one of these brother and sister couples that look alike.
George
Hate those couples. I could never bee one of those couples. There are no bald woman around. You know?
Jerry
You know I know this sounds a little arrogant but I never thought she would find anyone she would like better than me. Ya know, I guess I had my chance and that's that.
George
You know what I would like to do? I would really like to have sex with a tall woman. I mean really tall. Like a like a giant Like six five.
Jerry
Really?
George
What was the tallest woman you ever slept with?
Jerry
I don't know … six three.
George
Wow, … god! You see this is all I think about. Sleeping with a giant. It's my life's ambition.
Jerry
So I guess it's fair to say you've set different goals for yourself than say, Thomas Edison, Magellan, these types of people.
George
Magellan? You like Magellan?
Jerry
Oh, yeah,. My favourite explorer. Around the world. Come on.
George
Who do you like?
George
I like DeSoto.
Jerry
DeSoto? What did he do?
George
Discovered the Mississippi.
Jerry
Oh. like they wouldn't have found that anyway.
George
All right, I've got to go down to the unemployment office. Wanna take a walk?
Jerry
No I can't I've got some stuff to do then I've got to meet Keith at my apartment at three. I'm helping him move.
George
What? The guy asked you to HELP HIM MOVE? Wow.
Jerry
I know isn't that something?
Kramer
He's got money. Why doesn't he just pay a mover?
Jerry
I don't know … he's got some valuable antiques, He's worried they'll break something.
George
The next thing you know, he'll have you driving him to the airport..
Jerry
I'M NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT!!
Scene 11
New York State Department of Lab Or
14 lines
George
I gave. I gave everything I could Mrs. Sokol. but nothing was good enough for her.
Mrs. Sokol
Sign here please.
George
Ha, I don't know who she's looking for. I don't know. I'll tell you something. She's very particular, your daughter. Very particular. What is she looking for some big hot shot businessman? Well I've got my pride too. I'm not going to beg her.
Mrs. Sokol
All right just sign it. People are waiting.
George
You, uh, you like baseball? [picks up baseball from desk]
Mrs. Sokol
That was autographed by the '86 Mets. I saw every inning that year.
George
Funny, cause I happen to be very good friends with Keith Hernandez.
Mrs. Sokol
You know Keith Hernandez.
George
Know him? Would you, uh, like to meet him?
Mrs. Sokol
Oh, come on. Come on.
George
I can produce Keith Hernandez right here within the hour.
Mrs. Sokol
All right. You got ONE hour.
George
All right Mrs. S. I and my good pal Keith Hernandez will be right back.
(George slowly leave the office then takes off down the hallway)
Scene 12
Phone Booth
4 lines
(George sees large construction worker in booth and leaves. he hops into a cab)
George
129 west 81st street and hurry.
(same cabby as part one; stares at him)
George
Goodbye (exits cab)
Scene 13
Jerry's Apartment
58 lines
Keith
Better bring your gloves, it's freezing out there. It shouldn't take too long. I'd say maybe, oh, four hours. Really though, Jerry, there's not that much. First we got the bedroom, we got two dressers and the bed.
Jerry
Is there a box spring?
Keith
What's that?
Jerry
Is there a box spring?
Keith
Yeah there's a box spring but it's attached to the headboard and we'll have to take that apart. Then we got the couch.
Jerry
Is that a sectional?
Keith
Yeah. Twelve pieces. …coffee table.
Jerry
Is that a thick marble?
(Jerry and Keith start to laugh and Jerry walks behind Keith so they don't make eye
contact and break up)
Keith
Three inches thick. Got it in Italy. But the BIG problem is going to be the convertible sofa. You see when you move it it tends to open up so it's going to be real difficult getting it down the stairs.
Jerry
STAIRS??? There's no elevator?
Keith
Nah, it's a brownstone. Three floors.
Jerry
I'm sorry I can't do this. I can't do it. I can't. It, it's too soon. I don't know you. I can't help you move. I'm sorry. I can't. I just can't.
(Kramer enters, sees Keith and does a double take)
Kramer
Hello.
Keith
Hello.
Kramer
Oh, you don't remember me.
Keith
No should I [continuity error: in fact he SHOULD from the basketball game]
Kramer
Yeah, you should. I certainly remember you. Let me refresh your memory.
(Newman enters)
Newman
June 14th, 1987. Mets Phillies. You made a big error. Cost the Mets the game. Then you're coming up the parking lot ramp.
Keith
YOU said, "Nice game, pretty boy."
Kramer
Ah, you remember.
Newman
And then you spit on us.
Keith
Hey, I didn't spit at you.
Newman
Oh, yeah, right.
Kramer
No no no, well, then who was it?
Keith
Well lookit, the way I remember it (back to the grainy 8mm film parody) I was walking up the ramp. I was upset about the game. That's when you called me pretty boy. It ticked me off. I started to turn around to say something and as I turned around I saw Roger McDowell behind the bushes over by that gravely road. … Anyway he was talking to someone and they were talking to you. I tried to scream out but it was too late. It was already on its way.
Jerry
I told you!
Newman
Wow, it was McDowell.
Jerry
But why? Why McDowell?
Kramer
Well, maybe because we were sitting in the right field stands cursing at him in the bullpen all game.
Newman
He must have caught a glimpse of us when I poured that beer on his head.
Newman
It was McDowell.
Kramer
Oh boy. Uh, look uh, Keith, uh, we're sorry.
Newman
Yeah, I couldn't be sorrier. I uh.
Keith
look guys, don't worry about it, I uh, Well I guess I better get going.
Kramer
Wait, uh what are ya' doing?
Keith
I gotta move.
Kramer
Want any help?
Keith
I'd love some.
Kramer
I'd love to help you move.
Newman
Me too.
Keith
Ok guys, we gotta be careful of one thing. Some of the stuff's very fragile We're going to have to handle it like a baby.
Kramer
No sweat.
(Kramer and Newman exit)
(Phone rings)
Jerry
Hello, … oh hi Elaine .. what's going on … no he just left … you broke up with him? … ME TOO .. what happened? … oh smoking you know you're like going out with C. Everet Coope … me … nah … I couldn't go through with it … I just didn't feel ready … so what are you doing now? … Oh, great idea, I'll meet you there in like thirty minutes. Okay bye.
(George frantically enters)
George
Keith, Keith Wa What happened? Where's Keith?
Jerry
You just missed him. he just left. What do you need him for?
George
(out the window) Keith, Keith, up here. Can you do me a favor? I need you to go to the unemployment office with me. I, I'm Jerry's friend … the guy from the locker room, … I'm the chucker. It'll take five minutes. Wait. Wait.
(Sits down)
Jerry
Well Biff/ What's next?
George
I don't know.
(Tall girl enters)
Tall Girl
Excuse me. I was walking behind you and you dropped your wallet.
Scene 14
Ending Monologue
1 lines
When you're moving, your whole world becomes boxes. That's all you think about is boxes. Boxes, where are there boxes? You just wander down the street going in and out of stores. Are there boxes here? Have you seen any boxes? I mean it's all you think about. You can't even talk to people because you can't concentrate. Shut up, I'm looking for boxes. Just after a while you become like really into it, you can smell them. You walk into a store. There's boxes here. Don't tell me you don't have boxes. Dammit, I can SMELL them. I'm like I'm obsessed. I love the smell of cardboard in the morning. You could be at a funeral. Everyone's mourning, crying around, and you're looking at the casket. "That's a nice box. Does anyone know where that guy got that box? When he's done with it, do you think I could get that? It's got some nice handles on it." And that's what death is really. It's the last big move of your life. The hearse is like the van. The pallbearers are your close friends, the only ones you could ask to help you with a big move like that, and the casket is that great perfect box you've been waiting for your whole life. The only problem is, once you find it, you're in it.
