The Parking Garage

One left...what a joke.

You can have this one.

No, that's not enough BTUs for my living room...That was a complete waste of time.

Hey, I didn't get one either.

Why do I always have the feeling that everybody's doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?

This is what people do.

No they don't. They're out on some big picnic. They're cooking burgers. They're making out on blankets. They're not at some mall in Jersey watching their friends trying to find the world's cheapest air-conditioner.

You should see what my father used to go through before he bought a car. He'd go from state to state. He was away for weeks at a time. It was like he was running for President and he was going through the primaries. We'd get phone calls from motels in New Hampshire.

So we took a little ride. What's the big deal?

Well at least you accomplished something. You got fish.

Big accomplishment.

Fish. What do they do?

What do you do?

It's this way.

What time is it?

Five o'clock.

Always late. Always late.

You're not late.

I told them to meet me in front of my building at six-fifteen.

Who?

My parents. It's their anniversary. I'm taking them out to dinner and a show tonight. You think we'll hit traffic?

Of course we'll hit traffic. It's rush hour.

Isn't it going the other way?

There is no other way in New York. Everybody goes every way all the time.

But it's Saturday.

You got the picnic and burger traffic.

I always get myself in this position. Can't be on time. Gotta rush.

What's the matter?

I have to go to the bathroom. Why do they hide the bathroom in these malls?

(CONT'D) You want me to help you with that?

No, no, I got it.

(TO GEORGE, RE:WOMAN) What do you think, Georgie boy?

Did I need that pointed out for me? What is that going to do for me? How does that help me, to see her? I'm trying to live my life. Don't show me that.

If you like her, go talk to her.

Yeah, right. I'll just go up and say, "Hi, how ya' doing? Would you like a glass of white wine?" JERRY Before you got within twenty feet of this woman, she'd have her finger on the mace button. She's like an expensive car with one of those motion-sensor force field alarms. Any sudden movement in the area could set her off.

She's fat.

Oh she's fat?

What? JERRY Where's the car?

I thought it was here.

You don't know where we parked?

Oh, this is great.

Blue-one. I thought it was blue-one.

I thought it was green. I remember seeing green.

I didn't pay attention.

This is just what I need.

I'm sure it's right around here.

It looks familiar. I remember the elevator.

There's elevators all over! It all looks the same.

It's over there. I know where it is.

It's black, right?

Dark blue.

(MUMBLING) You come to a parking lot, you write it down. How hard is that?

There it is!...No, no that's a Toyota.

(CONT'D) Hmmm...I thought it was...

Didn't we come in over there?

I thought it was over there.

How long can fish live in one of these plastic bags?

About two hours.

(SHE LOOKS AT HER WATCH) You'd better find this car.

It's this way... AND THEY TAKE OFF AGAIN, PAIRING OFF:

I really have to go to the bathroom.

Why don't you go behind one of these cars? J

(CONT'D) Why? Nobody's around.

I'll wait.

You know when you hold it in like that you can cause a lot of damage to your bladder. That's what happens to truck drivers. They hold it in all the time. Eventually it starts coming out involuntarily.

Alright.

Jerry, are you aware that adult diapers are a six hundred million dollar a year industry?

Maybe I should just go anytime I get the urge like you...wherever I am. There's too much urinary freedom in this society. I'm proud to hold it in. It builds character.

(RE: CAR) There it is!...No that's not it.

(CONT'D) Hey, watch it. ...Did you see that car? Maniac. Can you explain something to me? I got six questions wrong on my drivers test. That's the maximum. I read the book, I'm a college graduate. This is a country where fifty percent of its high school students can't locate Europe on a map. How are they all passing that test? It's a mystery.

...Six wrong?

Those school zones are a killer.

(TO KRAMER, RE:BOX) Will you let me help you with that?

I'm gonna put it down behind that car.

You're not worried somebody's gonna pee on it?

(TO GEORGE) Pink eleven. Remember that.

Oh I got it. (TO JERRY) That I'm supposed to remember. Where the car is, that's insignificant.

(LOOKING AT FISH) I think they're laboring.

Look at this place. It's huge...

I can tell you this. If I am not in front of my house at six-fifteen, when my parents get there, they will put me on an aggravation installment plan that will compound with interest for decades.

Parents never forget a foul-up. I once left a jacket on the bus when I was fourteen. Last week I'm flying to Chicago to do a show, "Make sure you hang on to your jacket."

Where the hell is this car, Kramer?

It's got to be here.

Why are they using so many colors? And the numbers go up to forty.

Maybe it's not on this level.

What?

There are four different levels. Maybe we're on the wrong level. How long was the escalator ride up?

It felt like a couple of levels.

You should always carry a pad and pen.

I can't carry a pen. I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum.

I have a pen.

Where was the bathroom in this mall? There are six-hundred stores, I didn't see one bathroom. What is this, like a joke? They finished building the mall and they go, "Oh my god, we forgot the bathrooms."

(O.C.) Don't you dare talk to me like that! You hear me?

Look at that woman.

I told you! I don't care! You'll have to wait.

(TO WOMAN) Hey, is that necessary?

(TO GEORGE) Why don't you mind your own business?

I think hitting a defenseless child is my business.

(TO GEORGE) You're ugly.

...What?

You're ugly.

You are!

You are!

I should've hit the little son-of-a-bitch. I can't stand kids. Adults think it's so wonderful how honest kids are. I don't need that kind of honesty. I'll take a deceptive adult over an honest kid any day.

(RE: CAR) I found it!

He's got it.

Oh...no.

All right, that's it. From now on no more calling out they found it, unless we're sitting in it. Okay?

Jerry, look at my fish.

His eyes look a little cloudy.

Oh are they gonna be furious.

Who's got the tickets? GEORGE I do. (TO KRAMER) I thought you knew this mall. You said you'd been here before!

It was easy the last time.

My fish are dying right in front of me! We have to get someone to drive us around the parking lot to help us look for the car.

No one's going to do that.

Excuse me, we can't seem to find our car. I was wondering if it would be possible if you're not in a hurry, to drive us around the garage for five minutes so we can look.

(HOLDING HIS HANDS UP) ...Sorry.

Five minutes.

Can't do it.

We're not wilding.

(CONT'D) Excuse me - I can't seem to find my car - do you think you could drive me...

(CONT'D) Oh that's funny? Is that funny? Well tell me if you think this is funny: These fish are dying! They're gasping for oxygen right now! They'll be floating in an hour. Is that funny too?

Those are really ugly sneakers. Where did you get those?

Right here at the mall.

Excuse me...

(CONT'D) Sorry to have disturbed you. Terribly sorry. But the fish will be dead. You do know that. They can't live in plastic. That's not me talking, that's science.

It's amazing how shopping makes me have to go. All I have to do is walk into a department store and it's like some kind of horse laxative just kicked in.

You drank a whole bottle of water.

I know.

So why don't you just go?

No I can't.

Don't you get tired of following rules?

You think I'm too cautious?

Why be uncomfortable if you don't have to? It's organic.

Organic. So's Buddy Hackett.

Buddy Hackett?

He's a comedian.

I know.

All right. All right.

(pointing) You can go over here.

I can manage.

(turns away and spots George) George! (leaves scene)

It'll take you ten seconds.

Okay, okay. I'll be right back.

Okay, let's go. Come with me.

But...

Come on.

(STARTS TO LEAVE, TO HIMSELF) ...Kramer

I've had this condition since I was eleven! I've been in and out of hospitals my whole life. I have no control over it. Doctors have told me that when I feel it, the best thing to do is just release it. Otherwise, I could die.

Well you're still not allowed.

Do you hear what I'm saying to you?! I'm telling you that if I don't go, I could die. Die. Is it worth dying for?

That's up to you.

So you don't care if I die.

What I care about is the sanitary condition of the parking facility.

It was life and death.

Uh huh.

Oh I'm lying. Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law.

I don't know.

Because I could get Uromysitisis poisoning and die. That's why!...Do you think I enjoy living like this?...the shame, the humiliation...You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning.

(C0NT'D) Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place. You want to call the Department of Social Services? Oh, it's Saturday. They're closed today. My luck.

You can tell the police all about it.

(CALLING OUT) Jerry!

Jerry!

Unbelievable, I'm never gonna get out of here. The guy goes to pee, he never comes back. It's like a science fiction story.

Maybe he went to one of the other levels. I'll go look for him.

Oh now you're gonna go? ELAINE I'll be back in five minutes.

If you go now, I know what's gonna happen. We'll find the car, Jerry will show up, and then we'll never find you.

No, no, I'll be back.

Oh what's the difference? We'll all be dead eventually.

Does that bother you?

Yeah, it bothers me. Doesn't it bother you?

Not at all.

See now that bothers me even more than dying bothers me, cause it's people like you who live to be a hundred and twenty because you're not bothered by it. How could it not bother you?

I once saw this thing on T.V. with people who are terminally ill. And they all believed the secret of life is just to live every moment.

Yeah, yeah. I've heard that. Meanwhile I'm here with you in a parking garage, what am I supposed to do?

First of all you don't even know technically that I went. That's for starters. I mean I could've been pouring a bottle of water out there. You don't know.

I know what you did.

Oh really, do you? Well it just so happens that I did pour water out. I had a bottle of very tepid water and I poured it out. And I could see how you made a mistake, because pouring water out sounds very much like a person urinating.

(CONT'D) And you know when you think about it it's really quite an amusing case of mistaken identity. That's all it is.

Yeah I'm sure.

You know this is not the first time this has happened to me. I always carry water because of my condition. It dehydrates me. It's a vicious cycle.

And now he's gone. I'm sure he's looking for the car. Five minutes, that's all. I just want to find him.

I can't do it.

But why? Why can't you do it?

I can't.

No, see that's not a reason you can't. You just don't want to.

That's right.

But why? Why don't you want to?

I don't know.

But wouldn't you get any satisfaction out of helping someone out?

(A NEW TACK) All right, all right. I want to apologize. I was frightened, I said crazy things. I obviously offended you. I insulted your intelligence. The uromysitisis, the water bottle...I made it all up, and now...I'm going to tell you the truth. Today my father and mother are celebrating their fiftieth, well I'm jumping ahead here, their forty-seventh wedding anniversary. We made arrangements to spend the evening together. They are supposed to be in front of my building at six-fifteen.

(CONT'D) What I haven't told you, or anyone else for that matter, is that my father's been in a Red Chinese prison for the past fourteen years.

The guy's got a fat fetish. Spector never dates a woman under two hundred-fifty pounds.

(NOT INTERESTED) Really.

What does he do with all that fat? Does he just jump up and down on it? Does he gouge it like Killer Kowalski?

Who's Killer Kowalski?

He was a wrestler. He would grab hold of someone's stomach and just squeeze it until they gave.

I've gotta go to the bathroom.

So go. GEORGE Here?

(SHAKING HIS HEAD) You and Jerry.

Don't you believe me? It's their fiftieth anniversary. You know this is gonna kill him. You're aware of that. Kill him. On the biggest night of his life...

Oh your folks have an anniversary today too?

(TO GEORGE) Was he also in a Red Chinese prison?

(TO JERRY, SOMEWHAT IMPRESSED) A Red Chinese prison?

George! George!

Jerry! (THEN SHE CHECKS HER FISH)

Well what happened was my father was staying in the home of one of Red China's great military leaders, General Chang, who by the way came up with the recipe for General Chang's chicken. You know, the one with the red peppers and orange peel at Szechwan Gardens? GEORGE Sure, I have it all the time. Very spicy.

Well General Chang was a very flamboyant man. A complete failure as a general, but a helluva cook.

(O.C.) Jerry! JERRY Elaine?!

(O.C.) Jerry! Over here...

(CONT'D) Where have you been?

I was arrested for urinating.

(PROUDLY) Me too.

You what?

I have uromysitisis. It's very serious you know.

Look at my fish... (JERRY EXAMINES IT) Is he...

No, but he's not looking good... (ELAINE TURNS TO TWO HUGE BODY BUILDERS IN WORKOUT WEAR)

(DESPERATE) Please, we can't find our car. Please drive us around the parking lot to find our car. My fish are dying.

Can't do it.

I can see not caring what happens to us, we're human. But what about the fish? The fish?

Sorry. (THEY KEEP WALKING.)

That's right, go. Go home to your dumbbells. Work on your pecs. I'm really impressed.

(CONT'D) That's right you heard me. You got a problem with that?

Elaine, shut-up.

Hey, where's Kramer?

I don't know. (TO ELAINE) Where's Kramer?

I thought he was with you.

See, I knew it. I knew this was gonna happen...

(CONT'D) Look at the time, that's it.

Have we looked over there? Have we checked that side?

We came in over there!

We didn't come in over there!

Where's Kramer?

Hey George, there she is again. ...

So what do you want me to do?

Ask her to drive us around. There's your opening.

That is an opening.

(CONT'D) Excuse me...I really... What's happened is that my friend forgot where he parked and if you're not in a big hurry, we'd really appreciate it if...

Oh sure, I'll drive you around.

You will?

Sure.

Thanks a lot. I'm really late. My parents are waiting in front of my building and we're stuck here.

I wouldn't want to get lost in here. It smells like a toilet. People are such animals.

Yeah, right.

Filthy pigs.

It's a blue Honda...

This has happened to me too. It's very frustrating.

Hi, I'm Elaine.

Jerry.

Hello.

It's very nice of you to do this. I've asked several people and they wouldn't even answer me.

I'm happy to do it. (TO GEORGE) I'm Amy.

Hi Amy, I'm George.

(TALKING IN PASSENGER WINDOW) I didn't mean anything by it. I don't even know L. Ron Hubbard! I didn't know you were...

(CONT'D) ...with that group.

(SHOUTING TO AMY) What about my fish?

Boy, those Scientologists. They can be pretty sensitive.

I'll say.

What is it? (THEY DISCOVER WHAT HE'S STARING AT) The car!

The car!

The car!

We found it. I can't believe it!

Kramer, Kramer's not here...I knew it. I knew it! I knew this would happen. (SCREAMING) Kramer! Kramer!

Kramer!

Kramer.

Jerry?

Yeah, over here.

Boy I had a helluva time finding that air-conditioner. I looked everywhere. I completely forgot where I hid it. You know where it was?

Purple 23.

Right! Purple 23. I could've used you.

Sometimes it's good to have a pencil to write these things down.

What time is it?

Seven forty-five.

Well at least there's no traffic.

Right.

What time does that play start?

Eight o'clock.

That might be a problem. (TO ELAINE) Where's your little bag of...

(CONT'D) Oh...(TAKES OUT PARKING STUB) Boy this garage is going to cost a fortune. You know how long we were here?