Full screenplay script transcript for Seinfeld S03E09: The Nose Job
22 Scenes283 Lines
Scene 1
Opening Scene
1 lines
Can you give me an explanation as to why the pharmacist has to be two-and-a-half feet up above everybody else? What the hell is he doing, he can't be down there on the floor with you and me? Brain surgeons, airline pilots, nuclear physicists, we're all on the same level. Oh no, he's gotta be two-and-a-half feet up. "Look out, everybody, I'm working with pills. Spread out, give me some room." The only hard part of his whole job that I could see is typing everything onto that little tiny label. He has to try and get all the words on there, keep the paper in the- it's a little piece of paper, in the roller of the typewriter. Oh no, he's gotta be two-and-a-half feet up. "Yeah, I'd like to get this prescription filled." "Alright, and you wait down there, only I'm allowed up here."
Scene 2
Jerry and George Are at a Newsstand
7 lines
George
Where'd you meet her?
Jerry
I met her on an elevator.
George
On an elevator? You met a woman on an elevator?
Jerry
Impossible, right?
George
You got less than sixty seconds. That's like dismantling a time bomb. What got into you?
Jerry
I don't know. She was so beautiful, it was like a pure reflex. The words just came out of my mouth.
George
Wow. What'd you say?
Scene 3
Flashback to Jerry and Isabel on the Elevator
1 lines
Jerry
You know, I'm the one responsible for those crop circles in England.
Scene 4
End of Flashback
3 lines
George
Wow.
Jerry
Can you believe I did that?
George
What did she say?
Scene 5
Another Flashback
1 lines
Isabel
What crop circles?
Scene 6
End of Flashback
14 lines
Jerry
Not a good sign.
George
Not everybody knows what the crop circles are. (to the newsstand owner) Do you know what the crop circles are?
Newsstand Owner
Crop circles? Why don't you buy something?
Jerry
You got something in your teeth there.
George
What?
Jerry
It's green.
George
Oh, man, it's spinach! I've been walking around like this all afternoon.
Jerry
Did you bump into anybody you knew?
George
I had a job interview.
Jerry
How'd it go?
George
Take a guess.
FLASHBACK TO GEORGE'S JOB INTERVIEW, WITH CLOSE-UPS OF GEORGE'S SPINACHED TEETH.
Interviewer
Well, Mr. Costanza, we have nothing available at the present time, but should anything open up, we'll be in touch.
George
Ok, thanks.
Scene 7
End of Flashback
10 lines
Jerry
What do you need a job, you got Audrey.
George
Yeah, right.
Jerry
What's the matter?
George
Oh, nothing.
Jerry
What?
George
You won't think I'm a bad person?
Jerry
Too late for that.
George
'Cause believe me, I would only say this to you and maybe a psychiatrist, maybe. Well, her nose is a little big.
Jerry
Yeah, she's got a big nose.
George
I mean, big would even be ok, a little beyond big.
Scene 8
Momentary Flashback to Audrey's Tremendous Nose
5 lines
Jerry
It's a schnoz.
George
Now, I'm aware that my own physical dimensions are perhaps a little short of perfection.
Jerry
A little.
George
So who am I to be thinking about someone's nose? I mean, I should be grateful someone like her even looks at me. I have no job, nothing. But I have to say, I think about the nose. I don't want to think about the nose. I don't ask to think about the nose, but I think about it. I go to bed at night, I tell myself, 'Don't think about the nose, forget the nose,' but I think about it. I look at her, I see nose.
Jerry
Stop being so concerned with looks.
Scene 9
Momentary Flashback to Isabel Giving Jerry Her Number
29 lines
Jerry
Have you said anything to her about it?
George
I could never do that. You know the ironic thing is if she had a smaller nose, I never could have gone out with her in the first place. She'd be out of my league with a smaller nose. And I really like her, I know that. And I know one other thing. I'm not getting past that nose.
Jerry
Alright, shut up, here they come.
George
(waving) How can I not think about it? Look at the size of this thing.
JERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE, AUDREY AND KRAMER ARE SHARING A PIZZA AT JERRY'S APARTMENT
Kramer
So my mother's going out with this guy who leaves a jacket in her house so, you know, she gives it to me. Well, two years later he shows up and he takes it back. And now he's in prison. He got arrested for mail fraud. So Elaine, all you have to do is go over to the apartment, tell the landlord that you're his daughter and you want to bring him the jacket in prison.
Elaine
Won't the landlord know I'm not the daughter?
Kramer
No no, he's never met her. She's in California.
Elaine
Are you coming with me?
Kramer
Oh, yeah yeah, I have to. I'm your fiancé, Peter Von Nostrand.
George
Why don't you just commit yourself already?
Audrey
What is so special about this jacket?
Elaine
He believes it possesses some extraordinary power over women.
Audrey
What's the smudge on your hand?
Kramer
Oh, I got stamped at the reggae lounge last night. Yeah, I'm going back there tonight, you know, I'm not gonna pay another cover charge.
George
What, you didn't wash all day?
Kramer
Yeah, I washed, just not the hand. You wouldn't believe the women at this club. Ohh, man.
Audrey
It's amazing how many beautiful women live in New York. I actually find it kind of intimidating.
Kramer
Well, you're as pretty as any of them, you just need a nose job.
Elaine
Kramer!
Kramer
What? What?
Elaine
How could you say something like that?!
Kramer
What? What do you mean? I just said she needs a nose job.
Elaine
No no, there's nothing wrong with her nose! I'm so sorry, Audrey.
Audrey
No, it's ok.
Elaine
What did you have to say that for?
Kramer
Well, I was just trying to help out.
Elaine
Yeah? Well, you can kiss that jacket goodbye, Mr. Von Nozzin.
Kramer
You see what happens when you try to be nice?
Scene 10
Middle Monologue
1 lines
But what would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About thirteen seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry. Your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later, no problem, good-bye, ok, thank you very much."
Scene 11
George and Audrey Are in Elaine's Apartment
36 lines
Audrey
Elaine said I could stay with her another month until Tina gets back. What are you thinking about?
George
Thinking? Nothing. What could I possibly be thinking?
Audrey
You look like you've got something on your mind.
George
Oh, yeah, right. I wish I had something on my mind. (pregnant pause) So how about that Kramer, huh?
Audrey
How about him?
George
They way he just says stuff.
Audrey
He sure does.
George
Yeah. Yeah, he's quite a character.
Audrey
So, what did you think?
George
About the pizza?
Audrey
No, about the nose job.
George
Oh, the nose job. I don't know, what did you think?
Audrey
Well, I've thought about it, but I don't know.
George
Yeah. (another pause) Not that I care, one way or the other, but these doctors today really do amazing things, you know, if you were so inclined. And again, I'm not suggesting.
Audrey
I know, they're good.
George
Peter Jennings had one.
Audrey
Really?
George
Probably. They all do. In my high school, half my graduating class had them. Of course, I'm from Long Island, so...
Audrey
Uh huh.
George
It's really nothing, it's like going to the dentist.
Audrey
I hate the dentist.
George
It's a cleaning.
Audrey
So you really think I should do this?
George
If it makes you happy, I don't focus on these things. I will tell you this: Unfortunately, we live in a very superficial society. I don't condone it, but it's a fact of life.
Audrey
Well, maybe I should.
George
What the hell.
Elaine
(barging in) Aw, now you talked her into getting a nose job?
George
Me? I didn't say anything.
Elaine
You encouraged her to get one.
George
I didn't encourage. No encourage.
Elaine
Peter Jennings had one?
George
It's possible.
Elaine
Well, I think you should accept her for who she is.
Audrey
No, George is right. I want to get one.
Elaine
I think it's a mistake.
George
Me too, really. Unless you'd really like to get one.
Scene 12
Jerry and George Are at the Coffee Shop
12 lines
George
I'm going straight to hell, no two ways about it.
Jerry
Well, it might not be hell but you're gonna run into some bad dudes.
George
(checking his watch) Hey, let's get the check, she's taking the bandages off at four o'clock.
Jerry
We have time.
George
It's exciting, isn't it? She's gonna have a whole new face.
Jerry
It is exciting.
George
Of course, not as exciting as miss crop circles, but...
Jerry
Please, please, Isabel? She is the most despicable woman I have ever met in my life. I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and so attracted to them physically at the same time. It's like my brain is facing my penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win.
George
You're not letting him win. He wins till you're forty.
Jerry
Then what?
George
He still wins but it's not a blowout.
Jerry
She wants to be an actress. She makes me read these moronic acting scenes with her, and I do it because I'm so addicted to the sex, I'm helpless, I'll do anything. So finally Kramer comes in the other day.
Scene 13
Flashback to Kramer and Jerry in Jerry's Apartment
2 lines
Jerry
(holding up a piece of paper) I don't want to see this woman anymore but I haven't got the will power to throw out her number. Please, help me. Help me.
Kramer
(taking the paper and tearing it to pieces) I'm proud of you.
Scene 14
End of Flashback
22 lines
Jerry
So I'm never gonna see her again, I'm going cold turkey.
George
Good for you.
Jerry
I'll tell you, the sex... I mean, I was like an animal. I mean it was just completely uninhibited.
George
It's like going to the bathroom in front of a lot of people and not caring.
Jerry
It's not like that at all.
ELAINE, GEORGE, JERRY, KRAMER AND AUDREY ARE AT ELAINE'S APARTMENT
Elaine
How do you even know the jacket is there?
Kramer
Well I don't, I'm guessing.
George
Okay, look, Audrey, before you take the bandage off just remember that I was the one that encouraged you to do this, you know? Now that you're gonna be a great beauty, let's not forget how this all began. You know, like if you'd listened to your friend, Elaine,
Audrey
George?
George
Yeah?
Audrey
Enough.
Jerry
Alright, are we ready? Come on, let's get this show on the road.
Elaine
Are you sure you want us here for this?
Audrey
Yes.
Jerry
Shouldn't a doctor do it?
Audrey
No, he said I could do it. Okay, here goes.
George
Very exciting, very exciting, it's like watching a birth.
AUDREY REMOVED THE BANDAGE, THE GANG TRIES TO DISGUISE THEIR HORROR.
Elaine
It looks good.
Jerry
Great job.
Kramer
You got butchered.
Scene 15
George Faints
54 lines
AN UNDETERMINED TIME LATER, JERRY AND ELAINE ARE HELPING GEORGE TO HIS FEET.
Jerry
Let's put him over here.
Kramer
(to a fleeing Audrey) Where are you going?
Audrey
(with hand covering nose) To the doctor!
Kramer
Wait, wait, wait, I'll go with you.
(Kramer leaves, Elaine sits on the couch near George.)
Elaine
How ya feeling?
George
Too much salt in my diet.
Elaine
Can I get you anything?
George
Nah, I'm good.
Elaine
You sure? Anything?
George
Mmm, no. Boy, it really didn't come out too well, did it?
Elaine
No, it didn't. No, it didn't.
George
It's like, all dented.
Elaine
Seems to be.
George
Well, I'm sure they'll be able to fix it. You can't stop modern science. Can't stop it, you can't stop it. Can't stop science. Can't be stopped, no way, no how, science just marches--
Elaine
Shut up, George.
George
Shut up?
Elaine
Yeah.
George
Interesting.
JERRY AND KRAMER ARE AT JERRY'S APARTMENT. KRAMER IS POURING A BOWL OF CEREAL, JERRY HAS CRACKED.
Jerry
Come on, Kramer, seriously, give me her number!
Kramer
I don't have it, I threw it out.
Jerry
You're lying! You got it, I want that number!
Kramer
I told you, I threw it out.
Jerry
Give it to me!
Kramer
You told me not to give it to you, you made me promise.
Jerry
Well, I changed my mind, I want that number.
Kramer
You said, no matter what you do or say, I'm not to give you the number.
Jerry
I was lying, give it to me!
Kramer
No, you told me not to!
Jerry
I want that number!
Kramer
Alright! (flinging pieces of torn paper to the ground) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! (Jerry falls to the floor and starts arranging pieces) Look at you! Look at what you've sunk to! Look at what you've become! Look in the mirror, cause you need help, Jerry. You need help, because I can't stand by and do it anymore. It's turning my stomach! I can't stand around here watching you destroy yourself. It's eating me up inside!
KRAMER STORMS OUT, THEN STORMS BACK IN TO GRAB THE BOX OF CEREAL AND THE BOWL, THEN STORMS OUT AGAIN.
GEORGE AND AUDREY ARE AT THE COFFEE SHOP, AUDREY IS TALKING ABOUT HER NOSE, GEORGE IS TRYING NOT TO LOOK AT IT.
Audrey
The doctor said that they need to build the lateral wall of the septum. Over here...
George
Yeah.
Audrey
You see this perinasal sinus cavity?
George
Oh, I got it.
Audrey
You see how it's collapsing? That's what's causing this huge dent.
George
Yeah, phew.
Audrey
So anyway, George, do you know what I was thinking about?
George
What?
Audrey
Remember we talked about taking a trip together?
George
We did?
Audrey
Yeah, we talked about going to Hawaii?
George
Hawaii?
Audrey
Anyway, I think it would be great to get away after all this.
George
(removing his glasses) You know, Hawaii could be a little tricky right now, there's a lot of high pressure winds down there this time of year, there's a lot of debris constantly flying around. Wood, and uh, lava, pretty dangerous.
Audrey
I never heard that.
George
Oh yeah. My friend lived there.
Audrey
We could go to the Caribbean.
George
You know, I have to tell you something. You couldn't get me on a plane right now. I get those FAA reports directly. My uncle sends them to me, he used to be a pilot, so. Big investigation in the, uh, what's the word there, uh, offing. It's in the offing. But, you know, you shouldn't let that stop you from going. You could go. I don't mind.
Audrey
George, I don't think this is working.
Scene 16
Jerry Is Rehearsing with Isabel.
16 lines
Isabel
Ever since you came back from the Army, you've changed. I swear Nelson, I don't even know who you are anymore.
Jerry
I'm Nelson!
Isabel
That's not the line, Jerry.
Jerry
Alright, alright, I'm sorry. (reading) Nothing's changed, Alma, I just need more time.
Isabel
I swear, Nelson, sometimes at night, when you're not around, I just go crazy thinking about you.
Jerry
Well, you just need to relax. Maybe a hobby, bowling is fun.
Isabel
Yeah, bowling's good if you're really gross and ugly.
Jerry
(to himself: Uh oh. My organs are playing chess again.
CUT TO THE TABLE WHERE A SLIGHTLY TRANSLUCENT JERRY'S BRAIN IS PLAYING CHESS WITH A SIMILARLY VISIBLE JERRY'S PENIS.
Jerry's Brain
Well I'm getting a little tired of this. What do you say we play one for all the marbles?
Jerry's Penis
Oh Brain, what are you doing? You cannot beat me. Do you have any idea who you're dealing with? Forget about it!
Jerry's Brain
I can't take her anymore. I hate reading her stupid little acting scenes.
Jerry's Penis
Oh, so what? So you read from a little play. You can't put up with that for an hour to make me happy? You're so selfish. Give me one hour, then I will take over, you will not have to think for the rest of the night.
Jerry's Brain
What about tomorrow morning? Do you have any idea what that's like for me? Do you care? No, you don't care. So long as you get to do whatever it is you do. You disgust me.
Jerry's Penis
Oh, go read a book.
Jerry's Brain
Enough chatting, let's play.
Scene 17
Elaine and Kramer Are Outside the Landlord's Apartment.
10 lines
Elaine
You know the only reason I'm doing this is because you took Audrey to the hospital.
Kramer
(filling a pipe) Yeah, yeah, ok, now uh, you're clear, you got everything?
Elaine
Yeah.
Kramer
Wait wait wait wait wait. (putting a ring on Elaine's finger) Here.
Elaine
What do I need this for?
Kramer
Because we're engaged.
Elaine
We're engaged?
Kramer
Um hm.
Elaine
Kramer, this is too big.
Kramer
(lighting his pipe) It's my mom's.
Scene 18
A Stout Man Walks Around the Corner.
28 lines
Landlord
Hello?
Elaine
Oh, uh, hi. I'm Wanda Pepper, I'm Albert Pepper's daughter. My father asked me to come here and pick up his jacket for him.
Landlord
Oh, hello Miss Pepper, it's a pleasure to meet you. (To Kramer) And you must be Professor Von Nostrand?
Kramer
Yes, yes I am.
Landlord
I've read your book, Professor, and I was quite intrigued by it.
Kramer
Uh, yes. Well, it's, uh, very intriguing.
Landlord
Tell me, is it your contention that Shakespeare was an imposter?
Kramer
My contention?
Landlord
Yes, your contention.
Kramer
Yes, that's my contention.
Elaine
I heard him contend that.
Landlord
It's too bad about your father.
Elaine
Oh, it was a frame-up.
Landlord
A fine man, he spoke often of you. He's very proud of the work you're doing.
Elaine
Oh, well, we're all proud of the work I'm doing.
Kramer
She does fine work.
Landlord
Your father gave me strict orders not to turn the jacket over to anyone, but I suppose I can make an exception in your case. The closet's this way.
Elaine
How kind of you.
Landlord
You know, your father has a very extensive wardrobe.
KRAMER ENTERS AFTER ELAINE, BANGING HIS PIPE ON THE DOOR FRAME.
JERRY'S BRAIN AND PENIS ARE STILL PLAYING CHESS, JERRY'S BRAIN APPEARS TO HAVE THE UPPER HAND.
Jerry's Brain
What's the matter, fella? You look a little tired. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Isabel
Nelson, don't you see? You are a part of me, and I, I am a part of you.
Jerry's Penis
It's killing me. (Makes a move)
Jerry's Brain
That's your move?
Jerry's Penis
Yeah.
Jerry's Brain
Well that's trouble, my friend. That's big trouble. Checkmate!
Jerry's Penis
(beginning to cough and struggle) Getting weak... Losing power... You haven't seen the last of me. I'll be back. You're nothing without me. Nothing!
Scene 19
Jerry's Penis Disappears with an Audible Pop
2 lines
Jerry's Brain
(before disappearing himself) Punk.
Jerry
Isabel, uh, I don't think this is working.
Scene 20
Isabel Checks the Script with a Puzzled Look on Her Face
10 lines
BACK TO ELAINE, KRAMER AND THE LANDLORD AT ALBERT PEPPER'S APARTMENT
Elaine
Daddy certainly does have an extensive wardrobe.
Landlord
He is a fine dresser and I'm sure I don't have to tell you he's quite popular with the ladies.
Elaine
My father, really? I had no idea.
Landlord
Yes, they're crazy about him. There was one in particular, came around about two years ago, looked a lot like you, Professor. Could have been your mother. What was her name again? Carter? Kramer! That's it, Babs
Kramer. Nasty woman, many a night I had to throw her out on the street, drunken stumblebum.
Kramer
You don't say?
Elaine
I found it!
Landlord
The woman used to walk around here half naked, sucking Colt 45 from a can. Her big fat stomach hanging out, orthopedic hose up to her knees, screaming down the hall, "Come back to bed, Albert, you big hairy ape, and bring back that box of Danish!"
THROUGHOUT THE LANDLORD'S NARRATIVE, KRAMER BECOMES MORE AND MORE AGITATED. FINALLY, HE GRABS THE PIPE OUT OF HIS MOUTH.
Scene 21
The Four Are at Their Usual Booth at the Coffee Shop.
18 lines
Kramer
So I grabbed the guy by the collar.
Elaine
Yeah, and I yelled out, Kramer! Kramer, you're killing him!"
Jerry
So I assume the jig was up.
Elaine
Yeah, pretty much.
KRAMER SHOWS OFF THE FRUITS OF THEIR LABOR; HE'S WEARING THE JACKET. AUDREY WALKS IN, HER NOSE HAS BEEN REPAIRED AND SHE'S ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL
Audrey
Hi.
Elaine
Hi!
Jerry
Hey.
Audrey
(to George) Hello.
George
(smitten) Audrey? My god, you look incredible! I can't believe it!
Audrey
(motioning to Kramer) Well, it was his doctor. He was wonderful.
Elaine
So, will I see you later tonight?
Audrey
Not sure.
Kramer
(rising and putting his arm around Audrey's shoulder) Well, I'll check you guys out later. (To Audrey) Ready?
Audrey
(holding up her hand to show the stamp) I didn't wash.
Kramer
Neither did I. We're off to the Reggae Lounge.
Elaine
(after they leave) Isn't she beautiful? Her nose is in such perfect proportion with the rest of her face. She's breathtaking! Who would have though she's like--
George
(interrupting) Elaine. Shut up.
Scene 22
Closing Monologue
1 lines
The technical term for a nose job is rhinoplasty. Rhino, okay? Do we really need to insult the person at this particular moment of their lives? They know they have a big nose, that's why they're coming in. Do they really need the abuse of being compared to a rhinoceros on top of everything else? When someone goes in for a hair transplant, they don't go, "We're going to perform a cue-ballectomy on you, Mr. Johnson. We're going to attempt to remove the skinheadia of your chrome-domus which is the technical term."
