The Bottle Deposit (Part 2) Script

Last week on Seinfeld.

Newman and Kramer are using a USPS mail truck to run deposit bottles and cans to Michigan, in order to collect 10 cents on each of them. George has been given an assignment by Mr Wilhelm, but he hasn't a clue what it is. Elaine outbids Sue-Ellen Mishke at an auction, to buy John F Kennedy's golf clubs on behalf of Mr Peterman, and leaves them in the back of Jerry's car. Kramer and Newman have left groceries under the hood of Jerry's car, meaning Jerry has to take it to Tony the mechanic, who loves the car more than Jerry does. When Jerry asks for his car back, Tony flees in it, taking JFK's clubs with him.

Okay, thank you. (hangs up the phone)

So? What'd they say?

They're sending a detective to my apartment tomorrow.

What the hell were you thinking leaving my clubs in that car?!

Well, I didn't count on my mechanic pulling a Mary-Beth Whitehead, did I?

What kind of maniac is this guy?

He's a very special maniac.

What am I supposed to tell Mr Peterman.

I don't know.

Why couldn't you take better care of that car?!

Well, are they here?

Mr Peterman, uh... There seems to be a bit of a snag.

Snag?

It seems that a psychotic mechanic has absconded with my friend's car.

What does that have to do with my clubs?

They happened to be in the back seat at the time.

What was the suspect wearing at the time of the incident?

You know, like mechanic's pants, a shirt that said 'Tony'. Lemme ask you something, have you ever seen a case like this before?

All the time. A mechanic forms an emotional attachment, thinks he'sgonna lose the car, he panics, he does something rash. I'm gonna ask you somepersonal questions. I'm sorry if I touch a nerve, but I think it'll help with the case. Had you been taking good care of the car?

Had I been taking...?

Well, did you leave the A/C on? Do you zip over speed bumps? Do you ride the clutch? Things like that.

W-well, what does it matter? It's my car, I can do whatever I want with it.

Not that I would think of doing such things.

(making a note) Alright Mr Seinfeld, we'll let you know if we find anything. I gotta be honest with you, these cases never end up well.

Well uh, whatever you can do. Thanks.

GEORGE'S OFFICE

(hesitant) Uh, Mr Wilhelm. Uh, about the project...

That's what I came to talk to you about. Great job George. (shakes George's hand) You really nailed it.

I did?

Oh yes, I read through it this morning. I couldn't have done it better myself, and I turned it right over to Mr Steinbrenner. Good work George.

I don't get it. He assigns it to you, you don't do it. Somehow it gets done, and now he's telling you what a great job you did.

Maybe somebody did it and didn't take credit for it. Maybe it was already done and didn't need doing in the first place. I have no idea who did it, what they did, or how they did it so well. And you know what? Jimmy crack corn and I don't care.

The gardener did a nice job planting the rose bushes, didn't he dear?

You planted the rose bushes, dear.

I did?

Yesterday. You remember.

(thinks for a moment) That's right. (pause) What's for dinner?

We just ate. Did you forget to take your medicine?

The point is, however it got done, it's done. So, any luck with the car?

No. The police have no leads (sitting on the couch arm) and I just found out today my insurance doesn't cover it.

Why not?

They don't consider it stolen, if you wilfully give the guy the keys.

(to George) Hey.

Hey.

(to Jerry) Hey. What did the detective say?

They're looking.

I gotta go.

Y'hello.

Mr Seinfeld?

Yeah.

It's Detective McMahon...

...I'm at the warehouse on Pier 38. Ah, I think you'd better get down here.

Yeah, okay. (to Elaine) They may have found the car.

(makes surprise noise) Are the clubs in it? Ask him.

Are there golf clubs in the back?

We really can't tell. You better bring your service records.

Watch where you step. There's quite a bit of... grease. Detective, Jerry Seinfeld is here.

How d'you do. Thanks for coming down.

(indicating) This is Elaine Benes.

(explaining) We used to date, but now we're just friends.

I see.

Yeah.

I'm sorry to make you go through this, but we need to make sure.

Well, what's going on? What is this thing?

One of our patrolmen stumbled over this.

(horrified) Huuh! (she turns away and covers her mouth)

Oh my God!

The block is nearly split apart. We found the overhead cams thirty feet away. We can only hope the body sold for scrap.

Oh, my God.

And we know it's a Saab. The angle on the Vee-6 is definitely ninety-two. The model is hard to determine because the drive train is all burnt out.

What is that smell?

Look at the clutch.

Uuh.

Excuse me.

Whoever did this didn't just dismantle it. I mean, they took their time, they had fun. They were very systematic. They went out of their way to gouge the sides of every piston, and the turbo was separated from the housing and shoved right up the exhaust pipe.

Uhh

Wait a second. Turbo? I didn't have a turbo.

Your car's not a turbo?

No, it's a nine-hundred S. (happy) It's a turbo, Elaine, a turbo!

(sobbing happiness) It's a tu-hur-bo.

Excuse me, did you say turbo? Saab turbo nine-thousand? Is it... (voice breaking) midnight blue?

(condolences) Yes ma'am.

(singing) Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine bottle and cans in the trunk, nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine bottles and cans. At ten cents a bottle and ten cents a can, we're pulling in five hundred dollars a man. Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight bottle and cans in the trunk, nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight bottles and cans. We fill up with gas, we count up our cash!!...

Hello.

Hey Jerry, it's Tony.

Tony, where are you?

Aw look, I just want you to know that the car is fine. I got her all fixed up. We're in a nice area, no potholes, no traffic. So there's nothing to worry about. Okay? In fact, here, somebody wants to talk to you.

Tony, y-you better bring that car back!

(angry) Nobody's giving anything back! You tried to take it from me, I don't forget that.

Tony, it is my car, and I want it back!

Oh, your car. You want your car back!

Tony.

Listen, that registration may have your name on it, Jerry. But this engine's running on my sweat and my blood.

(exasperated) Where do I find these guys?

How much gas we got?

Three quarters of a tank.

That's better than we estimated.

(smugly) That is seven dollars and twenty-two cents better.

Maybe we could uh, stop for a snack.

Ah, no, that's not in the budget.

Yeah well, the budget changed, you know. I mean, it might be a good investment.

That's not a good investment, that's a loss.

Hey, d'you see that car? Looks like Jerry's. I'm gonna check out that license plate.

Yeah, those are New York plates.

Is that Jerry's number?

I don't know, but that's New York and we're in Ohio. Those are pretty good odds.

What're you doing?

I'm calling Jerry.

On what?

Brought my phone.

(answering phone) Y'hello.

Yeah, hey Jerry, what's your licence plate number?

Why, what's up?

Yeah, well I think I spotted your car.

Oh my god, you're kidding. (dives for his wallet) Hang on a second. (reading from his registration) It's JVN 728.

(checks the car ahead of him) Hey, that's it! That's it. Hey, uh look, we got him. We're driving right behind him in a truck.

Oh my god. Yeah, yeah, he said he brought it to the country.

Well we're in the country and we're right on his tail.

Good work Kramer, this is incredible.

Yeah, don't worry Jerry. We're right on this guy like stink on a monkey! I'll check back with you.

Elaine Benes.

Yeah, it's me. Kramer found the car!

Oh my god, where is it?

It's somewhere in the country, they're following 'em.

Are the clubs there?

I don't know. They're tailing him. I'm waiting for them to call me back.

Alright, I'm heading over right now.

What's the status?

Last check-in, they were still on him.

Well, have they called the police yet?

No, they won't call the police.

What? Why not?

They're afraid they'll get in trouble for misusing a mail truck. Kramer doesn't want a record.

Kramer has a record.

Not a Federal record.

Kramer?

What's going on?

Yeah, nothing. We're still following him.

Wait a second, he's getting off. Yeah, he's gonna be going south on the one-thirty-five.

Keep following him.

Alright, alright, I'll follow him.

Hey, we can't follow him, we're going north to Michigan.

Yeah, hey listen, I can't. It's gonna be taking us out of our way.

I need those clubs.

Kramer, I want my car.

Well, I don't know what to do.

Hey, we got ten thousand deposit bottles here. I mean, this guy could be going to Arkansas.

Keep following him Kramer. don't let me down.

Hey, don't listen to him. I mean, we can't afford a detour. Our budget won't hold it.

Well, I don't know what to do man!

Kramer! Stay left. Left, left, left.

Right. Go right!/South!

Alright! Alright. I'm getting off! I'm gonna go on the ramp.

I hope you realise what you've done. You've destroyed our whole venture.

This ramp is steep.

All my work, my planning, my genius. All for nought.

Alright, look, we're pulling too much weight. He's getting away from us here. (indicating) Take the wheel.

What're you doing?

(climbing though into the back of the truck) I'm gonna get something.

Are you crazy?

Keep your foot on the gas.

Hey! You're not dumping those bottles back there, are you?

Hey Kramer, those have wholesale value! We could cut our losses.

Look out below!!

STEINBRENNER'S OFFICE

(to himself) With this magnifying glass, I feel like a scientist.

You wanted to see me, sir?

Ah, come in George, come in.

Uh, Wilhelm gave me this project you worked on.

(smiling) Yes sir.

Let me ask you something, George. You having any personal problems at home? Girl trouble, love trouble of any kind?

(wondering where this is leading) No sir.

What about drugs? You doing some of that crack cocaine? You on the pipe?

(worried now) No sir.

Are you seeing a psychiatrist? Bcause I got a flash for you young man, you're non compos mentis! You got some bats in the belfry!

What're.. What're you talking about?

George, I've read this report. It's very troubling, very troubling indeed. It's a sick mind at work here.

Okay, come on boys, come on in here. George, this is Herb and Dan.

They're gonna take you away to a nice place where you can get some help. They're very friendly people there. My brother-in-law was there for a couple of weeks. The man was obsessed with lactating women. They completely cured him, although he still eats a lot of cheese.

Ah, see, Mister.. I didn't write that report. That, that's not mine.

Of course you didn't George. Of course you didn't write it.

I didn't do it! It..It just got done. I don't know how it got done, but it did.

Of course. Of course it got done. Things get done all the time, I understand. (as George disappears) Don't worry, your job'll be waiting for you when you get back. (banging his fist on his desk) Get better George. Get better!

(frustrated) Damn. I don't understand this. I've ditched every bottle and can, and we still can't gain. It's like we're...

...sluggish.

I went through all those bottles and all those cans, for what? What a waste. And I'm really gonna catch hell for those missing mailbags.

Heyy, wasn't that a pie stand back there?

(perks up) A pie stand? Where?

Oh yeah. Home-made pies, two hundred yards back.

Aww, c'mon, pull over, pull over will ya.

Where? I..I..I don't see it.

Well open the door, you get a better look.

I don't see any pie...

...Aargh!

Kramer!!

I'm sorry Newman, you were holding us back.

(after speeding truck) Kramer!!

(shouting) Jerry! We've lost the fat man, and we're running lean. We're back on track, buddy!

Federal employee. Federal employee.

Hello stranger.

(a touch desperate) Ah, look, I..I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm a US postal worker and my mail truck was just ambushed by a band of backwoods mail-hating survivalists.

Calm down, now. Calm down. Don't worry, we'll take care of you. This farm ain't much, but uh, you're welcome to what we have. Hot bath, hearty meal, clean bed.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Just have one rule. Keep your hands off my daughter.

Jerry, we got 'im. I'm riding his tail. There's no escape. He's running scared, buddy.

How's the gas situation?

(checks dial) I got enough to get to Memphis.

He's reaching in back. He's grabbing at something.

He's pulling out a gun! He's got a gun, Jerry!!

Duck, Kramer! Duck!

It's a golf club! It's no gun. He threw a golf club at me!

Those are JFK's golf clubs!

Hey, I'm under fire here. (another club hits) I'm under heavy fire here, boy. (another hit) Jeez! That was a five-iron!

Stop the truck, Kramer. Pick up the clubs!

No, don't stop, Kramer. Keep going, don't let him get away.

Wait a minute, I think he's done. (peers at the Saab) Oh no, he's taking out the woods!

(noise)

(yelling at Tony) You'll have to do a lot better than that!

(hearing the noises) What's happening!

This truck is dying. We're losing him.

I think we lost him.

(disappointment) Dammit!

(quietly) Can you stop and pick up those clubs Kramer?

(subdued) Yeah, yeah, I'll get 'em.

Enjoy that mutton?

(mouth full) It's delicious mutton. This is uh, this is outta sight. I would, I would love to get the recipe. It's very good.

That cider too strong for you?

No, no. I love strong cider. (for the farmer's daughter's benefit) I'm a big, strong, cider guy.

Gonna be milking Holsteins in the morning, if you'd like to lend a hand.

(reluctant) You know, I don't really know that much about uh.. I don't have any.. I don't.. I don't think I know much about that.

Ahh, Susie here'll teach you.

Just gotta pull on the teat a little.

(suggestive) Nice having a big, strong, man around.

You know, those mail bags, they get mighty heavy. I uh, I Nautilus, of course. (puffs out his chest)

(breaking from his pose) Can I have some gravy?

(desperate) Steinbrenner had me committed! I'm in the nuthouse!

I'll be back same time next week, Pop.

(quieter desperation) They took my belt, Jerry. I got nothing to hold my pants up. (listens) Well, you gotta come over here now! Just tell 'em what we talked about, how I, how I, I didn't do the project.

George?

I see you're finally getting some help.

Aw, hoh, oh Deena, thank God. (he hugs Deena) Thank God you're here. Listen, you gotta help me. You gotta tell these people that I'm okay. You know that I don't belong in here.

George, this is the best thing for you. (she walks away)

Yea... (sinks in) What? No, no!

Deena! Deena, wait a... Deena, help!

Is that little Georgie C? How's the folks? You still got that nice little car?

(screaming in panic) Aaah!! Aaah!

What you doing?!

(pushing past Kramer) Kramer, help me! Help me!

(takes one look and sets off after Newman) Jeez!

(taking aim) I told you to keep away from my daughter!

No daddy, you'll hurt him! I love him! (waving after Newman) Goodbye Norman, goodbye.

(excited) Elaine! You found the clubs. That's wonderful news. Where are they?

(not the soul of happiness) Yep. Lemme get 'em for you, Mr Peterman.

Oh, I'll be inaugrating them this weekend, with none other than Ethel Kennedy. A woman whose triumph in the face of tragedy is exceeded only by her proclivity to procreate.

The uh, the letter of, authenticity's in the side pocket there.

Elaine. I never knew Kennedy had such a temper.

(spotting a chance to keep her job) Oh. Oh yeah. The only thing worse was his slice. (she laughs nervously)

See you on Monday.

Have a good game.