The Pool Guy

I'd like to know when Tic-Tac-Toe became the Pound sign, that's what I'd like to know. Why don't they call it what it really is -- "Leave your numeric message now and then press Archie's head." And what is that redial button? Let's face it -- you're either going to get the person, the machine or they have call waiting. Who is redialing and redialing? This is like the harassment key for people in a fight, you know.

Let me ask you a question. Who would win in a fight between you and me?

Well, what do you mean?

Well if you and I ever got into, like a really serious fight you know, and the punches started flying -- who do you think would win?

Well I think that's pretty obvious.

Yeah. Me too.

Hey Elaine.

Hey.

Who, who, who do you think would win in a fight between me and ah, gorgeous George here. (pointing up and down at George)

You mean in a real Fight Fight?

Mona a Baldo .

George.

Ah-Ha! (he turns and walks over to the refrigerator)

Why?

George fights dirty. (she sips her coffee)

Really? What would you do?

Pull hair, Poke eyes, Groin stuff. Whatever I gotta do. (he opens a blue bottled beverage)

Hmm.

So. Listen ... You're not doing anything tomorrow, are you? Because I have an extra ticket to the historical clothing exhibit at the Met.

I'm sorry.

George?

Would I want to see what Mary Todd wore to Lincoln's funeral?

There's nobody I can go with.

You know what. I don't have one female friend left.

Oh, no, of course you don't. You're a Man's Woman. You hate other women, and they hate you.

Thank you.

So Jerry, (smacks hands and rubs palms together) What time we going to the movies?

Ah, how about 8:30?

Saddle up and ride. (opens the fridge and pulls out some food -- takes a big bite)

You want to get something to eat first?

(mumbling with full mouth) No, I'm good.

I wonder if, ah, Susan ... (picks up the phone from the coffee table, then decides not to call) No. I better just go. (claps hands) heh. All right! See ya. (grabs his rain coat from the hook by the door and rushes out)

There's nothing more pathetic, than a grown man, who's afraid of a woman . (voice get high-pitched for the last line)

Hey, why don't cha ask Susan?

George's Susan?

Yeah.

Yeah. Why not Susan. I should be friends with Susan. (smacks her forehead with hand) Of course! Susan! Oh! OK, I'll see you guys. Huh. (rushes out the door.)

That's gunna be trouble.

Why?

Jerry, don't you see? This world here, this is George's sanctuary. If Susan comes into contact with this world, his world's collide. You know what happens then?

Ka shha shha shha Pkooo (exploding sound)

Did I tell you I'm getting a new telephone number?

How come?

Whew, chicks man. Too many chicks know my number.

(recognizes Jerry) Hey Jerry. How are you Mr. Backstroke?

Kramer this is Ramon, from the new health club I joined.

Oh, yeah.

So you know what happened don't chu?

No what?

I got fired.

Really?

Yeah, said I put too much chlorine in the pool.

Ahh.

Hey well, ah, stay out of the deep end, eh.

OK, see you later.

What's in the deep end?

Hello?

Hey George.

Hey Elainie. What's going on?

(sitting up in bed) Nothing much, um. Can I talk to Susan

Ha, Yeah right, hang on, I'll ah, I'll get her for you. he, he, he, he. Seriously, what's up?

No, George really. Can I talk to Susan?

Susan, why?

Because I want to ask her to lunch and to the Met tomorrow.

Oh, I don't think you want to do that.

Why not?

Well what would be the point of that?

George, are you going to put her on the phone?

Where did this come from all of a sudden?

George, are you going to let me talk to Susan, or Not?

I really think I should have been consulted about this.

Here ... something.

Hello? (with hesitant surprise) Oh, that sounds great. I love that sort of stuff.

You want to sit here?

Yeah. (Kramer sits in the seat next to Jerry) Uh, uh, oh, oh, Over there. (points to the next seat over)

Why?

Little buffer zone.

(Quietly) Buffer zone (Kramer moves to the other seat)

Thank you. If we were in my apartment and we were watching a movie on the couch, would we sit right next to each other?

No. You got a point.

All right.

I can't ...

What are you doing?

Well these seats have no lumbar.

Oh hey, there's Ramon. Pre, pretend we're talking.

We are talking.

Pretend it's interesting.

So, ah then, I ah had to kill him and ah, well the police are still looking for me.

That's shocking, but sounds ...

Hey, hi Jerry.

Oh, hey Ramon.

Hey, hey, I took a bunch of napkins. You want some?

Oh, no thanks. (turns back to Kramer)

Hey, ahhh, is this seat taken?

No.

And then the worst part is, after the movie, he leached on to us ... We wound up having coffee with him for like two hours. Then he walks us home, all the way back to the front of the building. Finally I said, look Ramon, I gotta go to bed now.

By the way, have you spoken to Elaine yet today?

No why?

(sighs) She called Susan last night.

Oh yeah, I know.

How do you know?

Well it was my idea.

Your idea?

Yeah.

Wha'd you do that for?

She was looking for someone to go to the show with.

Well that was a really stupid thing! You know what's going to happen now?

World's collide. (points at George)

Whe ... Well yeah!

Because this world is your sanctuary and if that world comes into contact with --

YES! It Blows Up! If you knew that, what did you tell Elaine for?

I didn't know. Kramer told me about the worlds.

You couldn't figure out the "World's Theory" for yourself? It's just common sense. Anybody knows, ya gotta keep your worlds apart. (gesturing with hands going outward)

Yeah, I guess I slipped up.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

He knows the worlds theory.

What is it blowing up?

Ha! (grabs his coat and exits the apartment)

Cosmo, go. No, no, na, na. (he pushes the end button and pushes the antenna down) Boy this new telephone number's driving me crazy -- wrong numbers, every five minutes.

What is it?

Well it's 555-3455.

555-3455.

Yeah.

(picks up the phone on the coffee table) "555-3455." Well wait a second, don't you see that's 555-FILK.

What's Filk?

Filk's nothing, but 555-FILM is Movie Phone.

Oh Movie Phone.

Yes, so people are just dialing it by mistake and getting you.

So, I'm Filk?

You're Filk.

Oh, Mama.

Well what about that number Susan B. Anthony wore to the 19th Amendment party. Hnuh. Eye yye yye.

Oh whoo. Quite the DèColletage for a suffragette.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, well it must have been one hell of a party.

Whoo.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Oh, I know what I wanted to tell you.

What?

Ehahh, forget it.

What? You can tell me. I'll put it in the vault.

The vault?

Mm-Hmm.

Oy, Mr. Seinfeld. We heard you went to the movies with Ramon.

Oh, well, I didn't actually go with Ramon. I just bumped into him there. (putting on coat)

It's a good thing he has friends like you to cheer him up.

Tell him to call us.

Tell him, Dustin says, "Hello."

All right, I gotta go.

To see Ramon?

What else did you two do?

Oh, I don't know, you know, girlie stuff.

Ah, so, ah, flower shows and, shopping for pretty bows, and then back to her place, strip down to bra and panties for a tickle fight?

That's really what you think girls do, isn't it?

Yes, I do. (very serious)

All rightee. (turns and walks to the bathroom)

Hey you know George isn't to happy, ahh, about your new friendship.

Yeah? Well I don't really give a Sh... (closing the bathroom door)

Hey man, what's going on?

Hey.

Ooh, here we go. (pulls a cordless phone from his pocket) Yeah hello. Yeah, no, no, no, hold on.

Yeah, Cupid's Rifle -- 8:30, Sony Lincoln Square. Yeah, no, no, no, no problem, yeah.

You're looking up movies for people now?

I got time.

And this. (pulls out the cordless phone from his pocket) Cosmo here. Yeah, un-huh, no, no, no, no, I'll help. Yeah, Firestorm's good. I saw it yesterday. Yeah well my buddy Jerry , ah, he's seen it twice. You want to talk to him? Here -- (holds the phone out to Jerry)

(shaking his head no) No Kramer I don't want to talk to him.

Just, just tell him about the picture. What's the matter with you? Stop it. (puts the phone back to his ear) Yes, are you still there? Look I'm sorry about that. All right there's an 8:30 and a 10:15showing.

Oh that's George. (presses the intercom button) Yeah?

(Hey it's Ramon)

What?

(Hey, It's Ramon Jerry. I'm coming up)

(to Ramon) Oh. Okay. (to Elaine) Wh, what is he doing here?

Who? Who is Ramon?

He's the pool guy.

What pool guy?

Do me a favor. Just stick around while he's here.

Yeah, no problem.

You know, you have the slowest elevator in the entire city? That's hard to get used to when you're in so many other fast ones.

Well, the apartment elevators are always slower than the offices, because you don't have to be home on time.

Hee hey, hey Jerry (claps hands and points both index fingers at him) How are you, crazy guy?

Hey. So, ah, Ramon this is my friend Elaine.

Yeah and I was just leaving. Bye-bye Jerry. (smiling as she closes the door. Jerry looks at her like he can not believe she left him on his own)

So, ah, what are you doing around here Ramon?

Well, I was in the neighborhood. I figured I'd check you out.

Ah, actually, I ka, kinda had some things to do.

Oh, oh yeah. Wha? Where you going?

Ah, just, you know, I don't know. Stuff, I gotta do. (grabs coat and throws it over his shoulder)

Hey that's cool. I'm up for some stuff

All right.

So get this. I get down there, and right away, I see the drain is clogged. I mean it's obvious. Can you believe it?

All right Ramon, I'm going to get going.

I think we should separate here actually.

What are you trying to say Jerry?

Look Ramon, you're, you're a nice guy. But I, I actually only have three friends. I really can't handle any more.

Oh I see. It's cause I clean pools, right?

That has nothing to do with it.

You su -- (no audio) (through the moving subway window, Ramon is swearing and pointing at Jerry)

Yeah, we got along real well.

You know, uh, she has no female friends! You know that, don't cha? Something strange about a woman who's friends are all men.

Yeah, I know. We talked all about that.

You talked all about that?

Oh yeah. Elaine opened up her vault.

Did you just say vault?

Yeah, why? Did I use it wrong?

You got that from Elaine.

Yeah. So what?

Well it's a little strange. You going to start to talk like Elaine from now on?

I don't know. Anyway I thought we'd all go to a movie on Friday.

We'd all go to movie on Friday?

Yeah.

This is not good. World's are colliding! George is getting upset!

Ah you have no idea of the magnitude of this thing. If she is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him, Ceases to Exist! You see, right now, I have Relationship George, but there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with -- Movie George, Coffee shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George.

I, I love that George.

Me Too! And he's Dying Jerry! If Relationship George walks through this door, he will Kill Independent George! A George, divided against itself, Cannot Stand!

You're Killing Independent George! You know that, don't you?

George I don't even want to get --

You know what word Susan used last night? Hnuh. Vault! hu,

So?

She got that from you!

Well, I didn't tell here to say it.

Is she the only girl in the whole world? Why can't you get find your own girl?

I Like Her!

You see (to Jerry). You see. You see what I'm talking about. It's all just slipping away. And you're letting it happen. (exits -- slamming the door)

So you want to catch a movie later?

Ahh, yeah, sure.

I don't have a paper though.

Hmm. (picks up the phone and dials)

Hewwo and welcome to Movie phone. Brought to you by the New York Times and Hot 97. Coming to theaters this Friday ... Kevin Bacon, Susan Sarandon -- "You've got to get me over that mountain!" "Now" (bang, bang) "AHHHHHHHHHH" There is no place higher than ... Mountain High . Rated R. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, press 1.

Kramer, is that you?

Elaine?

Uh, what time does Chow Fun start?

I don't know.

Well, well. Look who's here.

Ramon, what are you doing here? You could get in trouble.

No, I don't think so Jerry. You see they gave me my job back.

What?

I'm a pool boy ... again.

Look Ramon, about the other day. I'm sorry if I offended you. I get a little crabby on the subway.

Do you?

What happened to all the towels?

Oh, ah, I guess they must have disappeared. (walks away)

Hey Jerry. Look at all the towels they gave me! I really hit the jackpot! (holding a large stack of towels, Newman pats his face with the top one) Ha, ha, ha.

It's been a terrible situation down there the past couple of days. He's really been making things uncomfortable for me. There's always a big pile of dirty towels in front of my locker ...

Uh-huh.

And then when I come out of the pool, my towel's always gone.

Uhh, so frustrating!

Tell me about it.

Uhh, so you want to join me and Susan for lunch at the coffee shop?

You're meeting Susan for lunch at the coffee shop?

Yeah.

I'm meeting George for lunch at the coffee shop.

Oh, huh. Well, this should be very interesting.

Hey! Elaine! Jerry. Over here!

There they are.

Yeah, look who I ran into.

Hey.

Yeah. (sits down next to Susan)

Yeah.

Ahh.

Come on Jerry. Aren't you going to join us?

Ah, you know. I'm supposed to meet, eh, someone -- I'll, I'll wait for them outside. (walks towards the door)

Yeah, wait here. Come on, sit down. What's the matter with you?

This is gonna to be ugly. (quietly)

What's that Jerry?

(coughing) I said, boy am I ugly.

Oh, hey, hey, Georgie boy, over here.

One, two ... three, four.

Ha Ho! (he turns and walks out the door)

Hey George!

We'll pull up another chair.

I see you there Ramon.

Hey, l'll just keep swimming. Hey, hey. I'm not done. I know what you're up to Ramon. Because I'm a member here, this is my place to swim.

Hey, you better cut it out Ramon. Just stop it.

Oh.

Olly, olly, oxen, free!

(NO!)

I think he's gonna need, mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Mouth-to-mouth?

Yeah.

Huh.

Well? Go ahead.

You go.

You knocked him out.

Yeah, but you pulled him in.

Come on Newman. Do it.

Nah.

He might die.

Yeah. Maybe.

(on the phone to) Look Jerry, we'll meet you at the theater. (hangs up the phone) OK, next showings at 9:00, we can't wait any longer.

Elaine, where could he be? It's not like George to just disappear.

Look, let's just leave him a note, okay?

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, come on, come on, come on. (picks up pad of paper and writes) "George, Elaine and I went to see Chunnel ... with Jerry." Love?

Yeah.

"Love ... Susan."

So eventually these people came and, somebody, gave him mouth-to-mouth.

He could have died

Yeah, it was a gamble.

Why didn't you give him mouth-to-mouth?

Ah. (makes face)

How can you possibly show your face there again?

Oh I can't. They revoked my membership. Newman too. You know, we can't go anywhere near there.

Hi, ah, three for Chunnel -- two adults ... one child. (looking towards Jerry)

What the hell is this? "George, Elaine and I went to see Chunnel ... with Jerry." With Jerry, huh? With Jerry! Great. Great! (dials phone) Probably went to the 84th St. That's where I always go with Jerry.

Hewwo and welcome to Movie phone. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, press one.

Come on. Come on.

Using your touch-tone keypad, please enter the first three letters of the movie title, now.

You've selected ... Agent Zero? If that's correct, press one.

What?

Ah, you've selected ... Brown-Eyed Girl? If this is correct, press one.

Why don't you just tell me the name of the movie you've selected.

Chunnel ?

To find the theater nearest you, please enter your five digit zip-code, now.

Why don't you just tell me where you want to see the movie?

Lowes Paragon, 84th and Broadway.

(picks up paper) Chunnel , is playing at the Paragon 84th Street cinema in the main theater at 9:30 PM.

Yeah, now I gotcha! (hangs up the phone and rushes out the door)

It's also playing in theater number two at 9:00.

Jerry ... Where are you? I know you like to sit back here. Elaine! Susan!

SHH!

"The English Channel Tunnel, Chunnel, runs 32.3 miles, with two openings. One here, in England and another one here, in France. That's all we got. Thank you for your time gentlemen. Can I ask you a question Mr. McKittrick." -- it's a bit hard to hear the movie dialogue, as we are supposed to be focused on George, but I was able to make out most of it

I can't figure out what's going on here. I can't follow the plot. Why did they kill that guy? I thought he was with them?

No, no. That's not the guy. That's a different guy.

What is he doing in the Chunnel?

Would you two, Please?

"Let me tell you something about the Chunnel, Mr. Thane. That our only freeway is adept. (inaudible) Elaine Brookstone will get the money bag (inaudible) Not as long as I have these long stickers. Find him and Kill him! I don't care if we have to turn this Chunnel upside down! Find Him! Everybody out of the Chunnel! Everybody out! The Chunnel's gonna blow! AHHHHHH (Explosion)"

Susan! Jerry! Where are you? I know you're there! Answer me!

(Hey, sit down!)

Hey. Hey. Answer me! Come on, show yourselves!

(Hey, we're trying to watch a movie here!)

Drink your soda! Come on! I know you're there, laughing at me. Laughing and lying and laughing! I had to go to Reggies, Jerry! Reggies!

(Move it off of there!)

Where are you!

(Hey are you sure you got the right theater?)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chunnel . Susan!

(It's playing in two theaters.)

Two theaters?

(Yeah, there's a 9:00 too.)

Oh. Sorry.

"There's something else, your ex-wife. Alexandra? She's in France, I'm telling ya. No, she's in the Chunnel. The Chunnel? No! Mr. President, I'm sorry to disturb you. What is it? There's something about the Chunnel. Oh?" (inaudible) And that means your daughter is in the Chunnel. Somewhere between France and ... (inaudible)"

I thought that was pretty good, huh?

Wha'd you think Susan?

Oh, I don't know. I couldn't hear anything. You, you talked the whole movie.

Oh, well come on. You want to go grab a bite to eat?

Yeah.

Ah, no. I don't think so.

Why not?

Well you know, all you guys ever do is sit around the coffee shop talking, sit around Jerry's apartment talking. Frankly, I don't know how you can stand it. I'll see you.

I know they're in there, the three of them, laughing at me. Together, laughing and lying.

Let's go pal.

They're -- They're killing independent George! And they're, they're all in on it! World's are colliding!

5B A PARTIAL VIEW OF A MAN'S FACE AND HIS HAND KNOCKS 3 TIMES ON THE DOOR.

Hello, and welcome to your worst nightmare.

(con't) I know your in there, Cosmo Kramer, Apartment 5B. You're in big trouble, Now. You've been sealing my business. If you'd like to do this the easy way, open the door, Now. Or, please select the number of seconds, you'd like to wait, before I break this door down. Please select Now.