The Friars Club Script

The other thing I love is when you're in the middle of a dream, and the alarm goes off. You incorporate the sound of the alarm into the dream, so you can keep sleeping. And you'll make any adjustment in the dream to do it. I was with Marie Antoinette in a dream last night, and she was on the guillotine, the blade came down, her head fell into the basket, it rolled over and she started singing Neil Diamond's 'Solitary Man'. And, I thought, "That is not my alarm going off. This is actually happening."

(joyful) June. It's June.

(high-fiving) Hey!

It's June. Mark's Michelle is a dog.

June, June, June.

(to passerby) Hey, he-hah. It's June, June.

It's Juu-uu-une! Hey hay. Yes.

I love Juu-uuu-uu-uune!

June. Juune, baby!

What?

The catering hall screwed up. The wedding is delayed until June. It's like a stay of execution.

Dead man walking.

(pointing to Jerry in joyous agreement) Ha-ha-hah. This is my lucky day.

Well, one outta twenty thousand. That's not bad.

Yeah. Hey, wait a second, you know, good news for you too. Susan's best friend, Hallie? Broke up with her boyfriend.

She did?

Yeah.

So? Wheels?

In motion. The wheels are in motion.

Beautiful.

Aah, hey. (enthusiastic) If this works out, forget about it. Vacations together, movies together, dinner together. It..it's almost as good as if I didn't get married.

So, set it up. You know what, we could have dinner at the Friars Club.

The Friars Club?

Yeah, I'm thinking of joining. Pat Cooper said he would put me up for membership.

Hey everybody. (to Jerry) Listen, uh, do me a favour, will you? I got a hot date tonight with Connie. Knock on my door, wake me up in twenty minutes, alright?

Catnap?

No, no, no, no. (comes in) This is evolutionary. I been reading this book, on Leonardo de Vinci. See, that means 'from Vinci', d'you know that?

(deadpan) That must be some book.

Yeah, well, turns out that the master slept only twenty minutes every three hours. Now, that works out to two and a half extra days, that I'm awake per week, every week. Which means, if I live to be eighty, I will have lived the equivalent of a hundred and five years.

Just imagine how much more you'll accomplish.

Oh, I got a lot of things in the hopper, buddy.

I didn't know you had a hopper.

(smiling) Oh, I got a hopper. A big hopper.

Alright, people, I'd like to begin with a hearty hail and well-met good fellow, to Bob Grossberg, who's joining us from Business Affairs.

Thanks. Hi everybody.

Bob, we have a little baptism by fire for you, so to speak.

(whispers) Poor bastard.

(to Bob) I want you to handle all the fact-checking and the copy-editing for the new catalogue.

Ah, could you repeat that?

(slower and louder) Why don't you handle all the copy-editing?

(apologetic) I..I'm sorry. What?

(louder still) Copy-editing!

Eh, never mind. (turns to Elaine) Elaine, you do it.

Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld. Pat Cooper made a reservation for me.

Yes, Mr Seinfeld, but uhm, all gentlemen are required to wear jackets in the dining room.

(downcast) Oh, I'm sorry.

(smiling) How embarrassing this must be for you.

(jocular) You just bought your own dinner.

No problem. Please, follow me.

(passing Hallie) 'Scuse me.

(smiling) Ho ho. Funny. Isn't he funny? Funny guy. Ha ha ha.

Friars.

Hey, not bad. (pointing to crest) I kinda like this little thing here.

This way please.

Hup, here we go. Here we go.

(adamant) Ah, c'mon! I'm telling you, I can coach for the NFL. It's not that hard

(to Hallie) Mmm, mm, mm. Hallie (points to her plate) taste this fish. It's really delicious.

(to George) That might be the stupidest thing you've ever said.

(to Jerry) Oh, get outta here.

(to George) I mean, come on. (a thought occurs) No, the stupidest thing you ever said was when you said Steve Kroft from Sixty Minutes is the same guy from *Seals and Croft*.

(to Susan) Mmm, it is good.

(to Hallie) What do you think about having fish for the wedding?

(to Jerry) You watch the old videos. (insistent) I'm telling you, look at him.

(to Susan) Oh. Remember (indistinct) wedding?

Oh, come on.

Look...

Alright.

(looking at Kramer) This is nice.

Yeah, morning.

Morning?

Yeah, what time is it?

(looks at watch) Ten-thirty.

(pleased) Ah, see. (rubs his hands together) I got the whole night ahead of me. (looks at Jerry) Boy, that's a nice jacket, huh?

(realising) Ohh, I don't believe this. I forgot to give it back. It belongs to the Friars Club.

Yeah, I like that crest. (he shakes cereal into the bowl) Alright, here we go.

Breakfast?

(pouring cereal) Oh yeah. Most important meal of the day.

So this Da Vinci sleep is working out?

(enthusiastic) Oh, I'm percolating, Jerry. I'm telling you, I have never felt so fertile. I'm mossy, Jerry. My brain is mossy. Listen to this idea. (fetches a spoon from the drawer) A restaurant that serves only peanut butter and jelly. (clicks tongue)

What d'you call it?

P B and J's. What d'you think?

(deadpan) I think you need more sleep.

(dismissive) Ahh.

So, how'd your date work out with the mysterious Connie?

I am telling you, this woman is strange. She never wants to leave the apartment. It's almost like she doesn't wanna be seen with me.

Oh, now you're being ridiculous.

(laughing) He he, yeah.

(indicates the bowl of cereal) No milk?

Oh, I'll be back.

(quietly) Jerry.

(quietly) Hey Jerry.

(prodding Jerry) C'mon buddy.

(startled) Kramer!

You awake?

(confused) Wha..? What time is it?

W...It's four.

(aghast) Four in the morning?!

Yeah.

Well, what's wrong with you?

I'm bored. I got all this free time on my hands, I dunno what to do. You wanna do something?

No. Would you just get out?

You wanna rent a movie?

No!

Well, what am I gonna do?

Ready for lunch?

(irked) I'm stuck here, editing the stupid catalogue, because of stupid Bob Grossberg.

Listen, there is something really suspicious about this guy. Every time Mr Peterman tries to assign him any work, he says he can't hear, and it all gets dumped on me.

You think he's faking?

I don't know. But I'd like to try that earpiece on, see if it's real.

Hey Elaine. (he spots Jerry) Oh, you have a friend.

(to Elaine) Just wanted to say hi.

Bob, you know what? I'm kinda swamped here. You think you could give me a hand with some of the catalogue?

(cupping his hand behind his ear) I..I'm sorry. What?

(slower and louder) I'm kind of swamped.

Thank you. I'm having lunch with Mr P. I better get going.

Did you see that? Did you see that, Jerry?

That was him?

Yes.

Somehow I thought he'd be taller.

Alright, listen, we'll have to do this again some other time, okay? I got a lotta work to do.

(standing) Alright, I'll see you later.

Alright.

Hey, Bob.

Bob.

Hey, Bobby, over here.

Bob. Oh, Bob.

(louder) Bob!

Hi.

(urgent whisper) Elaine.

(makes an irked noise)

I was just in the bathroom.

(really doesn't want to know) Okay, Jerry, please, please. I'm really busy here.

No, no, no. I was just in the bathroom with that Bob guy.

So what?

No, I kinda tried to test his hearing.

Get out! What'd you do?

Well, I kinda snuck up behind him at the urinal and tried to see if he could hear me.

(hopeful) And?

Well, he flinched, sort of.

What d'you mean, sort of? What'd he do?

Well, he kinda moved his head, you know. It mighta been on the zip up, I dunno.

So you don't know anything?

Actually, no.

(sarcasm) Alright, good job.

Right.

Come in.

(entering) Last night, huh? Was that something, or was that something?

That was something.

Ah. She's great, isn't she?

(positive) Fantastic. Fantastic woman.

I told you.

I'm nuts about her.

You think she could be an 'it'? Could she be an 'it'?

She could be an 'it'.

(claps hands triumphantly) We might have an 'it'!

She's got 'it' written all over her.

She's got everything, right? (counts on his fingers) She's intelligent, she's smart, she's got a great sense of humour.

Well, I dunno. I didn't really talk to her.

Well, she's smart. You take my word for it.

Whatever.

(gleeful) Hehee. W..we could be like the Gatsbys. Didn't they always like, you know, a bunch of people around, and they were all best friends?

That doesn't sound right.

No. So, tonight she's got tickets for that show she's been working on. The Flying Sandos Brother.

Flying Sandos. Beautiful.

Great. Seven-thirty, alright?

Walk me down to the Friars.

Sure. So, uh, Jerry, there's an empty apartment in my building. If you and Hallie want, we could try and hold it, may...

It's not here.

What?

Th..the jacket, it's not here. It's gotta be here somewhere.

Oh, boy.

(to Kramer) Thanks for that four a.m. wakeup call last night. (frustrated) Where the hell is that jacket?

Oh, the one with the crest.

Yeah.

Oh, well, that's at the cleaners.

The cleaners? How did it get there?

Well, I, uh, I borrowed it last night and it got a little dirty.

(irritated) Great.

(laughing to himself) Somehow I dozed off and woke up in a pile of garbage.

Somehow? You've had an hour and twenty minutes sleep in three days!

Well, so, look, the cleaner said you could pick it up tonight at six.

Alright. I just hope I can get it to the Friars Club before the show.

Won't be a problem...(mumbles)

(to Kramer) Hey.

(louder) Hey!!

Watch out, boy.

Can you give us a hand with some of these boxes, Bob?

Bob!

(sexily) I want you so bad, Bob. You turn me on...

...so much. You're so damn...sexy.

(sexy) Ohh. I'm starting to unbutton.

(dropping the sexy voice) Anything getting through? Bob?

Well, they perform all over. Europe mostly.

A-ha, huh. (mumbles) tours.

Yeah.

Sorry, sorry I'm late.

Hey!

Jerry.

Isn't that the uh, Friars Club jacket?

Yeah, it wasn't ready on time. I have to return it after the show.

Sure, sure, sure, sure. (patting Jerry on the shoulders) How about these seats? Are these fantastic, huh? Huh? I feel like Lincoln.

Yeah. Well, let's hope this evening turns out a little better.

So, uhm, are you sure you don't wanna go to the movies?

Mmm, no, Cosmo. I like just being here with you.

Oh, it's uh, it's a bold adventure.

Ooh. Well, this is uh, risky business, huh? I'm all a-twitter.

How would you kind people like to lend a hand with our next trick?

(smiling) I don't think so.

Please, take off your jacket.

My jacket?

Yes, the jacket. (turns to the crowd) What do you say, ladies and gentlemen?

(to Jerry) Can't argue with that.

C'mon.

Do it. Come on, Jerry.

Give him the jacket.

(giving in) Alright.

And now, we say the magic word. (gestures with his hand) Agrabah! And we make it disappear.

(passionate) Oh Cosmo. Mm-mmm, Cosmo. Oh Cosmo.

(uncomfortable) Uh, honey, can you move a little, this hurts.

(worried) Cosmo?

(panicky) Oh my god. Cosmo, wake up!

Cosmo?

(horrified) Oh my god! He's dead! He's dead.

(into phone) Yeah, Tommy, this is Connie. You gotta help me. Some guy dropped dead on top of me. (listens) I can't call the cops, 'cos Joey might find out. (listens) I can't. I'm stuck. You gotta help me.

This is very exciting. The inner sanctum.

Hi. I..I was in the audience earlier. You threw my jacket down. I just wanted to pick it up.

Jacket? What jacket?

(explaining) I had a jacket with a crest on it. You came into the audience, you threw it away. Agrabah.

A..are you sure it was me?

Well, it was either you or one of your brothers.

Well, two of them have left already.

(shaking his head apologetically) No.

It doesn't even belong to me. It belongs to the Friars Club.

Sorry.

Jerry, I'm sure it'll turn up.

(cynical) I'm sure it won't.

Don't worry. I'll get the jacket back.

(cheerful) Alright, there you go. She's gonna get the jacket back. (claps hands) So, let's go get some coffee, huh?

(downcast) No, I'm a little tired. I think I'll go home.

Aww, that's too bad.

Really?

Yeah, we'll do it another time.

(bright) George, we'll go.

I, uh, oh, broke a shoelace today.

Oh, I can get you shoelaces tomorrow.

Okay.

So, what colour?

Brown.

Maybe a black.

Mmm.

More coffee?

(urgent) No! Check! (quieter) Please.

(looking after the guys) That nut is always up to something.

HEY!! Sh..! Shii! MAMA!!

AAH! AAGH!

Elaine. I think I've been working you a little too hard, lately.

(shrugging it off) Oh.

So, I have two tickets for you (holds up the bits of card) to the Flying Sandos Brothers magic show.

(pleased) Ah.

It is a real hoot.

(delighted) Well, thank you Mr Peterman.

Ah, the tickets are for tonight. So you and Bob can knock off a little early, so you both can get ready.

Mr Peterman, you...

(interrupting) There's no need to deny it, Elaine. I heard every word you said.

And I know you wouldn't be just having fun with his handicap. (staring away) That kind of cruelty would be grounds for dismissal.

(resigned) Of course, Mr Peterman.

(into phone) Tell 'em I'll come down and talk to 'em. Okay, bye. (to George) Well, that was the Friars Club. D'you think they're gonna let a jacket-stealer join? I don't think so! They're gonna charge me eight hundred dollars for the jacket, and I gotta deal with Pat Cooper!

(worked up) Wh..what kinda show is that Sandos Brothers? They take your jacket, then they just throw it? I never heard of that!

It's a little unusual. So, uh, Susan and I were thinking, uh, dinner at our house Saturday night. Just the four of us.

(unenthusiastic) Uhh, I don't think so.

(worried) Why not?

(impassive) Ah, I'm a little turned off.

(standing) C'mon, what're you talking about?

Ahh, I'm, I'm kinda soured.

You're soured?

Yeah, I'm soured.

Don't be soured.

I'm sorry. I'm soured.

(animated) What're you kidding me? We were all getting along so well. Where is all this coming from?

Well, you know, frankly, I don't think she was too concerned about my jacket.

(animated) What're you talking about?! She's very concerned! She said she was gonna get it back.

(indifferent) Yeah, we'll see.

(worked up) Because if she gets it back, then you'll have no reason to be sour. You'll de-sour, right?

I'll try and de-sour.

(aggravated) Oh, that's not good enough! You don't try and de-sour. You have to sweeten too!

(sharp) I'll try! I'll try and de-sour and sweeten.

I wanna get it back when we were the Gatsbys.

I still don't know what that means.

(neither does he) Yeah, well.

God.

(astonished) Oh god! What happened to you?!

(animated) She tried to kill me Jerry!

Who?

(shouts) Connie!

What'd she do?

I don't know! (building to a shout) But I woke up in the Hudson river in a SACK!! I think she drugged me, but she's a murderer and I'm calling the cops.

(bewildered) Why would she try and kill you?

(animated) Well, isn't it obvious? She doesn't want anybody else to have me!

(to door) Gah!

Hey, there's uncle Milty.

(pleased) Yeah, it is.

(pointing) And there's David Steinberg.

The comedian, or the manager?

The manager.

(to George) Hey, there's Pat. (calls) Hey, Pat.

Hey, Jerry. What the hell went wrong? What's the matter with you? Are you a kleptomaniac, or what?

I forgot to take it off.

(dubious) You forgot to take it off? Oh, you go into a department store, you put a suit on, and you walk right out. What are you some sort of an idiot?

I'm sorry.

Where's the jacket?

Well, one of the gypsies took it.

(skeptical) Aww, the gypsies took it! Of course, New York has a lot of gypsies! Oh, on every block there's a gypsy!

(meekly) Well, it's true. I saw it.

(probing) Excuse me, are you an entertainer? Are you in showbusiness?

No, I uh...

(interrupting) Then what am I talking to you for? (to Jerry) Jerry, bring the jacket back tomorrow.

Alright.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Look at that guy. Right there. Isn't that the guy from the show? He's..he's wearing the jacket.

God, you're right.

(motioning Jerry to follow) C'mon.

Wait a second! Excuse me gentlemen, are you members?

Well, I'm a prospective member.

Until then, (pointing) that's the way out.

But that guy has my jacket.

C'mon, let's go.

Excuse me, the guy is wearing a jacket that my friend is...

Come on.

Come on.

Let's go.

If I could talk to the guy for just a sec...

These seats are fantastic. It was really nice of Mr Peterman to give us these tickets.

(flat) Yeah, yeah. Was nice.

(smiling) Yeah. Got our own little private box here, don't we?

(pushing Bob away) Get offa me! Stop it. Stop it.

Get offa me!

Get a hold of yourself, Bob! (throwing Bob back between the seats) Get a hold of yourself!

I dunno how that guy gave us the slip at the Friars Club.

I told you, he probably went out the back.

Ouf.

Hey. It's you! (pointing) Th..that's my Friars Club jacket!

No, it is not. It is my jacket.

(adamant) No, no, no. That's my jacket, give it back.

No, it is not. This is mine.

C'mon I need it.

(determined) I wanna join. I need it to become a member.

Give 'im the jacket already!

(yelling) Help! Help! (foreign language) Azobar! Azobar disay!

What's he yelling about? They're stealing jackets here!

Can you believe it?!

(examining) Hey George, you know what? I think this crest is different. It's got a moose on it.

Moose?

Yeah. (subdued) I don't think this is the jacket.

No, it's not.

This is the jacket.

Ohh, you got the jacket back.

Ohh, yeahh.

(taking the jacket) Thank you.

It got a little dirty, so they wanted to clean it before they gave it back to you.

Oh. (smiling) Oh, that's nice of 'em.

(smiling) That is really nice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is nice.

Yeahh.

Yeah.

(forced buoyancy) Hey, you know, let's call Susan, we'll go have coffee.

(flat) I'll see you at the wedding.

(moody) Great! Now she's sour!

Maybe she'll sweeten.

(angry) She won't sweeten, and I'm bitter!

(pointing) There they are!

Here. (panicky) We'll leave it here for you!

(pointing) That's her, officer.

(shocked) Kramer! Oh my god, I thought you were...

(animated) What? Sleeping with the fishes? I guess I woke up!

You're under arrest for the attempted murder of Cosmo Kramer.

(defensive) I didn't do anything.

(sarcastic) Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Get your coat, we gotta take you in.

Can I call my lawyer?

Okay, go ahead.

(on phone) You gotta meet me at the police station. They're arresting me for attempted murder.

Attempted murder? Of whom?

This guy, Kramer.

Oh. (hesitantly) Cosmo Kramer?

(surprised) Yeah, that's right.

(adamant) I don't want nothing to do with it.