The Bottle Deposit (Part 1) Script

I love it when you get your car back from the car place, and it's got that paper mat on the floor. Like they're so obsessed with cleanliness, they don't even want their shoes to touch the carpet. Meanwhile, the mechanic comes out; he looks like Al Jolson. He's covered in goo, from head to toe. You can't even see him. Although, I prefer that to when they have the lab coat, The clipboard and the nice glasses. Now you know you're getting screwed. (as concerned car owner) 'Can I see it?' (as doctor-like mechanic) 'You better not. It's idling quietly right now. I think it should stay overnight. We wanna keep an eye on it, and we wanna keep the bill running up.'

And you can tell the players that I reimburse the trainer for the cigarettes and the dive checks.

Sorry, the players will be reimbursed?

The trainer, George. Tell the players I'll reimburse the trainer. What's the matter with you? This is the third time I've had to repeat myself.

Sorry, Mr Wilhelm.

Look, sorry doesn't cut it. We're running a ball club here George. You've got to pay attention.

I know, sir. It won't happen again.

Lemme see, I uh, I had an assignment for you... uh.

Lemme think here.

Elaine.

Hi, Mr Peterman.

You know what a huge fan I am of John F Kennedy.

I do.

It was the Peace Corps that gave me my start in this business. (nostalgic) Clothing the naked natives of Bantu Besh.

The pygmy pullover.

Sotheby's is having an auction of JFK's memorabilia. One item in particular has caught my eye. The presidential golf clubs. To me, they capture that indefinable romance that was Camelot.

Whatever.

But, unfortunately I will be out of town with my lady-friend and therefore unable to bid on the lot. I was hoping maybe you would go in my stead.

Oh. (pleasant surprise) Oh yeah, I'd be happy to. Uhm, how much d'you want this thing? (smilingly) I mean, you know, how high are you willing to go?

I would see no trouble in spending up to, say, ten thousand dollars. Have my secretary give you a signed cheque.

Wow.

...when you're done George, and bring it directly to me. Mr Steinbrenner is very interested in this.

Yes, sir.

(drying his hands and heading for the door) Yes, George. I want you to make this project a top priority.

I will, sir. Top priority.

(exiting) Top priority.

Top priority.

So he walks out of the stall, he's been talking the whole time.

He pulled an LBJ on you.

LBJ?

Lyndon Johnson, used to do that to his staffers.

No kidding?

Oh yeah. He'd hold national security meetings in there. He planned the Hanoi bombing after a bad Thai meal.

Well, I still don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't even know what my assignment is.

Ask him to repeat it. Tell him there was an echo in there.

I can't. He's been on my case about not paying attention. Besides, it's too late, I already told him I heard him.

You know what you do? Ask him a follow-up question. Tell him you're having trouble getting started, and you want his advice.

Yeah, follow-up question, that'll work.

Hey buddy.

Hey.

Hey.

Can I have my keys...

(tossing car keys to Jerry) Yeah.

(catching keys) ...back, please?

You shoulda come, Jerry.

We made quite a haul.

Where'd you go?

Price club.

Why didn't you take your car?

Ah, the steering wheel fell off. I don't know where it is.

What're you doing. (fetching the bottle from the trash) Don't throw that away.

Well, I'm not paying the five cents for that stupid recycling thing.

You don't pay five cents, you get five cents back. Here, read the label here. (reads from bottle) Vermont, Connecticut, Massachusetts, New York. Refund, (brings bottle up close to Newman's eyes) vrrup, five cents.

(taking bottle) Refund?

Yes.

Well, what d'you think the hoboes are doing?

I don't know, they're deranged.

Awright, listen, can you uh, gimme a lift back to my place?

No I can't. I gotta pick up Elaine. I'm taking her to this Kennedy auction.

Awright, I'll see you later.

(peering at bottle label) What is this 'MI, ten cents'?

That's Michigan. In Michigan you get ten cents.

Ten cents!?

Yeah.

Wait a minute. You mean you get five cents here, and ten cents there. You could round up bottles here and run 'em out to Michigan for the difference.

No, it doesn't work.

What d'you mean it doesn't work? You get enough bottles together...

Yeah, you overload your inventory and you blow your margins on gasoline. Trust me, it doesn't work.

(re-entering) Hey, you're not talking that Michigan deposit bottle scam again, are you?

No, no, I'm off that.

You tried it?

Oh yeah. Every which way. Couldn't crunch the numbers. It drove me crazy.

(leaving) You two keep an eye on each other?

(simultaneous) No problem. You bet.

Are you sure you didn't hear my car making a funny noise? I know those two idiots did something to it.

No, I didn't hear anything. (she spots a familiar face) Oh, my God, look who's here.

Sue Ellen Mishke, the braless 'O Henry' candy bar heiress.

Well. Hello Elaine. Jerry.

Hi Sue Ellen.

Hi Sue Ellen.

I'm surprised to see you here. Come to catch a glimpse of high society?

(faked laughter) Oh, ho ha ha. No, no, I'm actually here to bid, Sue Ellen. I mean that is if anything is to my liking.

I'm here to catch a glimpse... of high society.

Well, I hope you find something that fits your budget.

(half under her breath and half to Jerry) I... hate that woman.

I don't understand. You fill an eighteen-wheeler?

No, an eighteen-wheeler's no good. Too much overhead. You got permits, weigh-stations, tolls... Look, you're way outta your league.

I wanna learn. I want to know why.

(loudly, for the benefit of Sue-Ellen) Oh. Those are handsome. Look at that set. Yeah, think I might bid on those.

Lot number seven forty-five. We have a full set of golf clubs, that were owned by President John F Kennedy, as seen in the famous photograph of the president chipping at Burning Tree on the morning of the Bay of Pigs invasion. The set in perfect condition, and we will start the bidding at four thousand dollars. Four thousand dollars? Do I have four thousand dollars?

I have four thousand dollars. Do I have five? (another person bids) Five thousand dollars. I have five thousand dollars. Do I have six? Six thousand dollars for this set of beautiful clubs. (another bid) Six. I have six thousand dollars. Can I have sixty-five hundred?

Sixty-five hundred to the dark-haired person on the right. We are at sixty-five hundred, do I hear sixty-six hundred?

The president's own golf clubs. Leisure life at Camelot. Sixty-five hundred going once...

Eight thousand.

Eight thousand. We have eight thousand. The bid is now eight thousand dollars.

(to Jerry) What is she doing? She's starting in on the bidding now? (to Auctioneer) Eighty-five hundred!

We have eighty-five...

Nine thousand.

Nine thousand dollars.

Think she wants those clubs.

Do I hear ninety-five? Ninety-five hundred...

Ninety-five hundred.

Ten thousand.

Ten thousand, to the shapely woman on the left. Ten thousand going once...

Well, that's your ceiling.

Ten thousand going twice...

(determined) Eleven thousand!

Twelve thousand.

(angrier) Thirteen thousand!

Fourteen thousand.

(vicious) Fifteen thousand!!

Peterman is gonna kill me.

I really thought you had her there at seventeen thousand.

Why didn't you stop me?

Do you hear this clunking?

(listening) A little.

Oh. You know what? (indicates clubs) I'm gonna grab these from you later. You'll take care of 'em, okay? Okay. See you tomorrow.

Okay.

Alrighty, bye.

Bye.

What's going on here?

Oh God!

(angry) Oh, you idiots!

So we could put the bottles in a U-haul. You know, go lean and mean?

Newman, it's a dead-end, c'mon. (Jerry enters) Hey, there he is.

Hey. You put your groceries under the hood of my car?

(to Newman) Aw, that's right, we forgot about those.

(to Kramer) That's where my missing soda is.

And your crab legs, and a thing of cheese. The Triple-A guy said I was this close to sucking a muffin down the carburetor. What were you thinking?

We ran outta space.

Now I gotta take the car down to Tony and get it checked out.

Ah, Tony, he's good.

Yeah, he's real good. But he's so obsessive about the car. He makes me feel guilty about every little thing that's wrong with it. I gotta get it washed before I bring it down to him, or I'm afraid he'll yell at me.

(offering the artichoke can) 'Choke?'

No, thank you.

(lovingly) Oh, yeah. I remember this car. Beautiful car.

Yeah. So, anyway, the engine's been idling a little rough. I thought it might be time for a check up...

There's really nothing wrong on the inside.

Well, the shift knob is loose. You know about that?

No, I hadn't noticed.

(accusingly) Have you been picking at it?

Have I been picking at it? No. You know. It's just wear and tear.

(disapprovingly) Wear and tear. I see.

The engine is really the only thing that needs checking.

You been rotating the tires?

Try to.

(sharp) You don't try to. You do it! Fifty-one percent of all turns are right turns. You know that? 'Try to.'

Twenty thousand dollars!?! Elaine, that's twice the amount I authorised you to spend.

I know, Mr Peterman, but but but but once I saw them, I just couldn't stand to let anyone else have them. (warming to her subject) You know, certainly not some stuck-up candy bar heiress who shamelessly flaunts herself in public without any regard...

Well, where are they?

(ingratiatingly) They should be here today.

Uh, Mr Wilhelm.

(entering the office) Yes George.

Hi, I was just uh... I just had one little question about uh, my assignment.

Yes, well I trust things are moving smoothly. Mr Steinbrenner's counting on you, you know.

Yes, yes. Very smooth, super smooth. No, but I really wanna attack this thing, you know. Sink my teeth into it. So I was just wondering... what do you think would be the very best way to get started?

(confusion) Get started? I don't understand, George.

Well, I was wondering...

You mean you haven't been to payroll?

Payroll? No, no, I haven't done that.

Well, what's the problem? Now come on George. I told the big man you were moving on this. Now, don't let him down!

Payroll!!

PAYROLL OFFICE

Hello there. I'm George Costanza.

Yes?

Assistant to the travelling secretary. (fishing for a reaction) I'm uh, working on the project.

What project?

Payroll project. Wilhelm? Big uh, big payroll project.

You're gonna have to fill me in.

You know what, I'll just uh, I'll just look around for a little while. (moving to come round the counter) I'll just browse around.

(blocking George) Hey, wait, hey. Excuse me, uh, you can't come back here.

Look, I am under direct orders from Mr Wilhelm. So if you have a problem with that, maybe you should just take it up with him.

Well, maybe I will.

(spotting possible salvation) You know what, I urge you to take it up with him. Go ahead, give him a call, he'll tell you what I'm doing here. (half to himself) Then you can tell me.

(on phone) Mr Wilhelm, uh, this is Lafarge in payroll. Uh, there's a Costanza here, says he's working on some project?

(on phone) Oh. (he swaps the phone to his other ear) Oh, I see. (listens) Interesting. (listens) Well, that's quite a project. Alright, thank you.

(apologetically) Ah, I'm sorry uh, that I doubted you. Whatever you need, just uh, make yourself at home.

So he explained it all to you?

Yes, he explained it all very clearly.

What'd he tell you?

(upset) Look! You were right, I was wrong! You don't have to humiliate me about it, alright!

Damn!

Oh, Mother's Day. (inspiration strikes) Wait a second. Mother's Day?!

(triumphant) Yessss!

Ahaha!

Come on Kramer!

Wha...?

It's the truck, Kramer. The truck!

Look, Newman, I told you to let this thing go.

No, no, no, no no. Listen to me. Most days, the post office sends one truckload of mail to the second domestic regional sorting facility in Sagenaw, Michigan.

(interested) Uh-huh.

But, on the week before holidays, we see a surge. On alentine's Day, we send two trucks. On Christmas, four, packed to the brim. And tomorrow, if history is any guide, will see some spillover into a fifth truck.

(realisation) Mother's Day.

The mother of all mail days. And guess who signed up for the truck.

A free truck? Oh boy, that completely changes our cost structure. Our G and A goes down fifty percent.

(excited) We carry a coupla bags of mail, and the rest is ours!

Newman, you magnificent bastard, you did it!

(triumph) Let the collecting begin!

GEORGE'S OFFICE

So...

...did you go down to payroll?

(standing) Yes, payroll. Yes I did. Very productive. Payroll... Paid off.

(pleased) Well then, I guess you'll be heading downtown then, huh?

Oh, yeah. Downtown. Definitely.

Well, I'm very interested to see how this thing turns out.

(to himself) Yeah, you said it. (to Wilhelm) Uh, excuse me, Mr Wilhelm. Uh, do you really think... Well, is this downtown trip really necessary, you know, for the project?

Oh no, you've got to go downtown, George. It's all downtown. Just like the song says.

The song?

There's your answer. Downtown.

(thoughtful) Downtown.

The song Downtown? You mean the Petula Clark song?

Yeah.

You sure he didn't just mention it because you happened to be going downtown?

I think he was trying to tell me something, like it had some sort of a meaning.

Okay, so how does it go?

'When you're alone, and life is making you lonely, you can always go...'

'... downtown.'

'Maybe you know some little places to go, where they never close...'

'...downtown.'

Wait a second. 'Little places to go, where they never close.' What's a little place that never closes?

Seven-eleven?

'Just listen to the music of the traffic, in the city. Linger on the sidewalk, where the neon lights are pretty.' Where the neon lights are pretty. The Broadway area?

No, that's midtown.

'The lights are much brighter there. You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares, just go...'

'...down town.'

'Things'll be great, when you're...'

'...downtown.'

I got nothing, Jerry. Nothing.

Well, 'don't hang around and let your troubles surround you. There are movie shows...'

You think I should come clean? What d'you think, you think I Should confess?

How can you lose?

Yeah, Jerry, it's Tony Abato at the shop. Look, we gotta talk. You better come down, any time after four.

Hello.

Hi, it's me.

Oh, hi.

Listen, I need to come over and pick up the clubs for Peterman.

Oh, you know what?

(worry) Oh no. What?

Oh, no. It's no big deal. I left the clubs in the car.

You left them in the car? How could you leave them in the car?

I forgot.

Oh, go down and get them.

I can't. The car's at the mechanics.

Ah, this is great. Alright, well, where is the mechanic? I'll just go and pick 'em up myself.

No, no, you can't. He's working on the car right now. You can not disturb him while he's working. But I'm going down there in like an hour, if you wanna meet me down there. You know the place, it's on fifty-sixth street?

(resigned) Ugh, okay, alright, fine.

Hey, Tony.

Thanks for coming in, Jerry.

Sure.

I think I know what's goin' on here, and I just wanna hear it from you. But I want you to be straight with me. Don't lie to me, Jerry. You know that motor oil you're puttin' in there? (reproachful) From one of those quicky lube places, isn't it?

Well, I change it so often, I mean to come all the way down here...

Jerry, motor oil is the lifeblood of a car. Okay, you put in a low-grade oil, you could damage vital engine parts. Okay. (holds up component) See this gasket? (throws it down) I have no confidence in that gasket.

I really wanna...

Here's what I wanna do. I wanna overhaul the entire engine. But it's gonna take a major commitment from you. You're gonna have to keep it under sixty miles an hour for a while. You gotta come in, and you gotta get the oil changed every thousand miles.

How much money is this gonna cost me?

(contempt) Huh. I don't understand you. It's your own car we're talking about. You know you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? You barely know the car. You don't know the mileage, you don't know the tyre pressure. When was the last time you even checked the washer fluid?

The washer fluid is fine.

(angry) The washer fluid is not fine!

Alright, you know what, uhm... I just wanna take my car, and I'm gonna bring it someplace else.

What d'you mean?

Just, can I have my car? I wanna pay my bill, I'm gonna be on my way.

Well, the car's on a lift.

Well, just get it down.

(subdued) Alright. Okay. Well, uhm, wait here and I'll uh, I'll bring it around.

Okay. Thank you, very much.

Hey. Where's the car?

He's bringing it.

Good.