The Seven

I love it when people are complimented on something they're wearing and they accept the compliment as if it was about them. "Nice tie." "Well, thank you. Thank you very much." The compliment is for the tie, it's not for you, but we take it. That's kind of the job of clothes; to get compliments for us, because it's very hard to get compliments based on your human qualities. Right? Let's face it, no matter how nice a person you are, nobody's gonna come Say "Hey, nice person." It's much easier to be a bastard and just try and match the colours up.

(awed) Oh, look at this!

Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.

(excited) Oh, cool! Look at that!

(admiring Christie) Yeah, I'm right there with ya.

(excited) That is a Schwinn Stingray! And it's the girl's model! Oh, I always wanted one of these when I was little.

What d'you think Jerry? Jerry?

(tearing himself away from Christie) Huh?

What d'you think?

Oh yeah, be great for your paper route.

(laughs) I love it. I'm getting it.

Can you help me get it down, Jer? Jerry.

I think your friend needs some help over there.

You know, the only way to really help her is to just let her be.

Hey!

A little baby girl?

Doctor says it could be any day now.

(through mouthful of food) So, Carrie, you and Susan are cousins. So your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin, right? So what does that make me?

Doesn't make you anything.

(jokingly) Well, so, legally, I could marry your daughter.

So, have you picked out a name yet?

Well, we've narrowed it down to a few. We like Kimberley.

Aww.

(negative) Hu-ho, boy.

You don't like Kimberley?

Ech. What else you got?

How about Joan?

Aw c'mon, I'm eating here.

(warning) George!

Pamela?

Pamela?! Awright, I tell you what. You look like nice people, I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda.

What?

Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda.

I don't know, it sounds a little strange.

All names sound strange the first time you hear 'em. What, you telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it?

Yeah, but uh... Soda?

Yeah, that's right. It's working.

We'll put it on the list.

I solve problems. That's just what I do.

(sniffing a slice of meat) Yeah, oh boy. Mmm, that's good.

You're really going to town with that turkey there.

Oh yeah, I got a big appetite.

Uhh, Jerry, you got no mustard, huh.

It's on the door.

(examining a yellow squeeze bottle) What, this yellow stuff? No, I said mustard, Jerry. Dijon.

Ah, 's no good.

No. That's bush league.

Hey, hey. Wha... wait... what, you're gonna leave it there? That's like half a pound of turkey!

No, no, I can't eat that. You can't eat a sandwich without Dijon.

(sarcasm) Yeah, you're right. I really should keep more of your favourites on hand.

Hey, hey, hey. I'm getting a vibe here. What, are you unhappy with our arrangement?

What arrangement?

Well, I was under the impression that I could take anything I wanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want from mine.

(sarcasm) Yeah, well, lemme know when you get something in there and I will.

Oh, hey.

Hey.

Hey. What's with your neck?

Still killing me from having to get that bike off the wall. (pointedly) By myself.

Well, if it's any consolation, I did get her number.

(sitting) Ah, I think I really strained it. Ow.

Aw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you pulled it.

Ach, maybe.

Did you twist it? You coulda twisted it.

I don't know.

Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it. Turned it...ELAINE: (patience exhausted) You know what, why don't you just shut the hell up?

Awright.

God. Man, this is killing me. Right now, I would give that bike to the first person who could make this pain go away.

Aw, you really hurting, huh?

Oh, Kramer, it's just awful.

Uh hmm. Well, your arterioles have constricted.

Alright, lean forward, relax.

(worried) What? What?

Encounter shiatsu.

Wait a minute. Kramer, you know what you're doing here?

(continuing to work) Ohh yeah. A wise man once taught me the Healing power of the body's natural pressure points.

Ah hah.

(to Jerry) He sells tee-shirts outside the World Trade Centre.

(seriously worried) Wha...?

He's a genius. Here we go...

From pain, will come pleasure.

Uh? Voila.

(pleasantly surprised) Oh my god!

Yeah.

Wow! That is unbelievable. The pain is totally gone!

What's even more amazing is his formal training is in pediatrics.

Awright, my work is done here.

(big smile) Oh man! Kramer, thank you!

(closing the door) Yeah, you can send that bike over any time.

(after Kramer) What? (to Jerry) What, what is he talking about?

I dunno. (realising) Oh, 'cos you said you'd give the bike to anyone who fixes your neck.

You really think he wants the bike?

Oh yeah.

It took him like ten seconds!

Well, that's the most he's worked in the last four months.

I think they really went for that Soda.

What, are you crazy? They hated it. They were just humouring you.

Ah, alright. Believe me, that kid's gonna be called Soda.

I can tell you, I would never name my child Soda.

Oh, no no no. Course not. I got a great name for our kids. A real original. You wanna hear what it is? Huh, you ready?

Yeah.

What is that? Sign language?

No, Seven.

Seven Costanza? You're serious?

Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl...

...especially a girl. Or a boy.

I don't think so.

What, you don't like the name?

It's not a name. It's a number.

I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute.

It's awful. I hate it!

(angry) Well, that's the name!

(also angry) Oh no it is not! No child of mine is ever going to be named Seven!

(yelling) Awright, let's just stay calm here! Don't get all crazy on me!

Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service.

(adamant) Yes I am. I defy you to come up with a better name than Seven.

Awright, let's see. How about Mug? (picks up the mug) Mug Costanza, that's original. (he turns and sees another item) Or uh, Ketchup? Pretty name for a girl.

Alright, you having a good time there?

I got fifty right here in the cupboard. How about Bisquik? Pimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House.

(shouts) Awright already!! This is a very key issue with me, Jerry. I had this name for a long time.

Oh, I forgot to call Christie.

Christie? That's the one you met in the antique store?

Yeah, she had this great black and white dress, with a scoop neck. She looked like some kinda superhero.

And you met her in an antique store! I don't know how you do it!

(smug) I'm not engaged.

Ah, I got it.

Got what?

(putting the items on the counter) Got the answer, Jerry. Refrigerator problem, is solved.

Oh, it's no problem. You can take whatever you want.

Oh, I will. But now, I'm accountable. Alright, I take what I want.

Here. I write it down. (he writes) "One cupcake." And then I put it in the bowl. (he tears off the sheet, crumples it and drops it into the bowl) There. Very simple.

Sort of a mooching inventory.

No, no. Not mooching. 'Cos at the end of the week, you add 'em all up, and you give me the bill.

Alright.

Alright, now look I gotta run some errands, so look. When Elaine comes by with that bike, you hang onto it for me, alright?

Kramer, I don't know if you're getting that bike.

Yes I am. We had a verbal contract. If we can't take each other at our word, all is lost.

(waving at the bowl) Oh yeah, yeah. Put that on my tab.

Well this is it. The food is atrocious, but the busboys are the best in the city.

May I take your coat, miss?

Yes, thank you.

The same outfit?

The exact same outfit.

How many days was it between encounters.

Three.

Three days. Well, maybe you caught her on the cusp of a new wash cycle. You know, she did laundry the day after she met you, everything got clean and she started all over again.

Possibly, but then shouldn't the outfit only reappear again at the end of the cycle?

Maybe she moved it up in the rotation.

Why? It's our first date, she's already in reruns?

Very curious.

Indeed.

You know, Einstein wore the exact same outfit every day.

Well, if she splits the atom, I'll let it slide.

(picking up his coat) Awright, I'm heading home.

Hey, did Susan change her mind about the name?

(standing) Not yet, but she's weakening.

You know, George, just because your life is destroyed, don't destroy someone else's.

It's Mickey Mantle, Jerry. My idol.

How about 'Mickey'?

'Mickey'? (incredulous) 'Mickey'!

Hey buddy.

(holding up a can) Hey, is this your half a can of soda in the fridge?

No, that's yours. My half is gone.

What?

Yeah, I put my half a can here on the tab. Why, what's your beef?

You cannot buy half a can of soda.

Well, why not.

Well, I don't wanna get into the whole physics of carbonation with you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open it?

Yeah.

That is the sound of you buying a whole can. And the same goes for this, okay...

...When you pierce the skin of a piece of fruit, you've bought the whole fruit. Not a third of an apple, not a half of a banana...

Alright.

...You bite it, you bought it.

Alright, alright. I'll make the necessary adjustments, alright.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Hey.

Oh. (pointedly) So, how's the neck? Nice and loose?

Lookit, Kramer, you are not getting this bike. I don't even know why you ant it. (laughingly) I mean, it's a girl's bike.

(deadly serious) It's a verbal contract. We had a deal.

No we didn't. You take these things too literally. It's like saying, you're hungry enough to eat a horse.

Well, my friend Jay Reimenschneider eats horse all the time. He gets it from his butcher.

This is not the point. (emphatic) The point is, you just can't have the bike.

Boy, I am really surprised at you. (opening the door) You are the last person I figured would do something like this. I mean, George, yeah, I can see that. Even Jerry. But not you, Elaine...

I always put you up here...

...They're over here. Now you're... aww-whawww.

(grudging) Alright.

(points) Digidi.

Aw c'mon. It's a fantastic name. It's a real original, nobody else is gonna have it and I absolutely love it.

Well, I dunno how original it's gonna be any more.

Why not?

Well I was telling Carrie about our argument, and when I told them the name, they just loved it.

So, what're you saying?

They're gonna name their baby Seven.

(disbelief) What?! They're stealing the name?! That's my name, I made it up!

I can't believe that they're using it.

(anger) Well now it's not gonna be original! It's gonna lose all its cachet!

I dunno how much cachet it had to begin with.

(rage) Oh, it's got cachet, baby! It's got cachet up the yin-yang!

(in pain) Oh god! Oh, god. (bitter) Kramer!

Watch your step.

(pain) Oh, ah. (bitter) Stupid Kramer.

Excuse me. Elaine?

Huh?

Over here. I thought that was you. You're Jerry's friend, right?

Yeah, yeah. Uh, Christie?

Yes. How y'doing?

(bearing up) I'm fine.

Well, I gotta run. It was good to see you.

(after Christie) Okay, oh, it was good to, good to see you.

Lookin' good.

Hey Cosmo, nice wheels.

You got that right!

(scorn) Hey, you're riding a girl's bike.

(shouting) Kramer! Kramer!

Hello.

Hello, Ken. It's George Costanza. I think we need to talk.

(angry shout) Kramer!

Kramer!!

Hey

Ow! God! Is Kramer back from his little joyride yet?

Haven't seen him. How's the neck?

His chiropractic job was a crock. It's even worse than it was before.

Boy, I'm surprised. (sarcasm) I would think Kramer would have a knack for moving pieces of a person's spine around.

Hey, you know what, I think I ran into that girl from the antique store. What's her name, Christie?

You saw her? What was she wearing?

I don't know. I couldn't see. I couldn't look down because of my neck.

Didn't you get a glimpse? An impression?

What d'you care?

Both times I've seen her she's worn the same dress.

Did you have a nice ride?

Oh, great ride.

Oh, that's good. 'Cos it was your last!

What're you talking about?! We had a deal!

(anger) You better give me back that bike! (indicating neck) Look at this! Look! Ow. I couldn't even crawl out of bed this morning.

Bed? You should be sleeping on a wooden board for at least a week.

What? You never told me that.

Well, it's common sense.

Jerry, what is he talking about? He's being ridiculous.

Alright, look. Jerry, you know the whole story, you should settle this.

Yeah Jerry.

Well, I'm flattered that you would both appeal to my wisdom, but unfortunately, my friendship to each of you precludes my getting involved. What you need is an impartial mediator.

Yeah, I'd go for that. Would you go for that?

Alright, I'm down.

Course, it would have to be someone who hasn't heard the story before. Someone who is unencumbered by any emotional attachment. Someone whose heart is so dark, it cannot be swayed by pity, compassion, or human emotion of any kind.

So, that's the situation.

Mmm. You present an interesting dilemma. Each of you seemingly has a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can have only one rightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I believe the law is all we have. (getting worked up) It's all that separates us from the savages who don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. (angry) Stuffing parcels into mailboxes where they don't belong!!...

Newman!

...But, you must promise That you will abide by my decision, no matter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your word?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah.

Alright, let's begin.

(excited) Ooh, my cocoa!

Why can't we use Seven?

It's my name. I made it up. You can't just steal it.

Well, it's not as if Susan's pregnant. You've already postponed The wedding. Who knows if you'll ever get married.

Hey, hey hey. Don't worry about me. I'm not a waffler. I don't waffle!

Right, we're both big Mickey Mantle fans, and we love the name. It's very unusual.

(shouting) What happened to Soda?! I thought we all agreed on Soda.

(emphatic) Well, we don't care for Soda.

You don't care for Soda?!

(worked up) No, no. We don't like Soda at all!

(shouting) How d'you not like Soda?! It's bubbly, it's refreshing!

Oh!

What is it?

I felt something.

Are you okay, honey?

I think I'm going into labour.

Oh god, oh god. Okay, let's not panic. Let's just get to the hospital...

Okay.

...Alright? I got the suitcase packed, right here.

What about Six?

Nine. Thirt... thirteen's no good.

Fourteen. (shouting after Ken) Fourteen!

Are you okay, Jerry? You seem quiet.

No, I'm just a little uh, worn out.

I know exactly what you mean.

Oh, I'm sure you do.

What in god's name is going on here? Is she wearing the same thing over and over again? Or does she have a closet full of these, like Superman? I've got to unlock this mystery.

(horrified) Oh my god!

Oh.

Ahh. I can't go to the movies like this. Do you mind if we go back to my apartment, so I can change?

Change? (thoughtful) Yes, I think that's a super idea.

Are we almost there?

Just keep breathing, okay.

(deep breaths) Okay, okay.

Okay.

(to Carrie) You know, the thing is, I kinda promised the widow Mantle that I would name my baby Seven.

Now's not the best time, George!

(to Carrie) It's just that, I know her, and boy...

(firm) George! She's in labour!

(angry shout) So am I!

Well, you've both presented very convincing arguments. On the one hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it not still a promise? Hmm?

And, Kramer, you did provide a service in exchange for compensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer to some assurance Of reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ahh. These were not easy questions to answer. Not for any man...

...But I have made a decision. (revelatory) We will cut the bike down the middle, and give half to each of you.

(shout) What?! This is your solution?! To ruin the bike?!

Alright, fine. Fine. Go ahead. (standing) Cut the stupid thing in half.

No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather it belonged to another than see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you.

Yeah, yeah, y-yeah.

Not so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's true owner would rather give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours!

What?!

Sweet justice. Newman, you are wise.

(frustration) But this isn't fair! Lookit, my neck is still hurting me, and now you have the bike?!

Well, tell it to the judge, honey. I'm going for a ride.

Here we are.

(looking around) Ah, so this is the Fortress of Solitude.

Well, I guess I'll go change.

Yes, change. By all means, change.

August seventeen, nineteen-ninety-two. The same dress! She never changes! Oh my god. (looking around) She's gotta have hundreds of these dresses.

There must be a secret stash around here somewhere.

Ahem! Are you looking for something?

What're you doing? I thought you were changing.

No, I, I'm thinking we should just call it a night.

No, no. C'mon, put something else on. It's early, let's go out.

If it's all the same to you, I think I'm just gonna go to bed.

You know, I'm kinda tired myself. Maybe I'll just sleep here on The couch. Then in the morning, you'll get dressed, we'll walk out together. Both dressed, different clothes. Well, I'll be in the same clothes. You'll of course be in different clothes, because it's your apartment. But we'll go downstairs, me in my same clothes, you in your different clothes.

(unequivocal) Jerry. I don't think so.

You wanna throw something on and walk me to a cab?

(gesturing) Get out.

(pleading) Tell me what you're wearing tomorrow. I'll help you lay it out on the bed.

Okay, breathe, honey. Breathe.

(to Carrie) You know, you're really being very selfish. It would be nice if you would think of someone other than yourself every now and then!

(shouts) I'm having a baby!!

George, you're not getting Seven! Now get outta here!!

(desperate) Please! I have so little!

Sorry sir, it's family only.

I'm family. I'm having sex with the cousin!

Seven!!

Hello, Christie? I was wondering if we could get together again? (listens) Oh really? Well you can't break up with me over the phone. C'mon, you gotta do this in person. It doesn't even have to be one on one, you can bring a group of friends. I just wanna see you. Wait, don't hang up on me. (hurriedly) Why d'you wear the same dress all the time? Hello.

(indicating the cereal) Hey, Jerry, if you're gonna be snacking on these, you can't expect me to pay for the whole box.

Alright, hobo Joe. I didn't wanna put a damper on your little Smorgasbord here, but it's the end of the week, so I added up your tab.

(does a double take) Yikes.

I know. Pretty steep.

Well, I don't have this kind of cash.

Few do.

I'm good for it.

Yeah, well, until this bill is paid...

...the food court is closed.

(opening the door) Alright. I'll get that money for you in five minutes. And, don't eat any more.

Hey, that's my bike! Along the sidewalk comes a happy-looking Newman, pedalling the Schwinn for all he's worth. He rings the bell.

Gangway!

This is my bike!

Oh no. No no no no. I bought it from Kramer. He was hard up for cash. Fifty bucks! (he laughs) Can you believe it? Of course, I had to make some minor modifications, you know. Solid tires, reinforced seatpost, heavy duty shocks. But, baby, this is one sweet ride.

(chasing Newman) No, you better gimme back that bike. Newman, gimme...

Hey!! Help me!