The Hot Tub

I always feel bad for the silver medal winner in the Olympics. How do you live with that the rest of your life? People are gonna keep asking: - How much did you lose by? - I don't even know...! It was like...(very fast) now.now...now.now..now..was like, like... now..now..now...! It was it...! Eh, it was it and I lost. I trained, I worked out, I exercised, I did everything, I was doing push-ups, sit-ups, I never did anything but exercise and work out for 20 years, I flew half way around the world and aaaaaaaaaah!...(showing a tiny distance between his index and thumb) And that was...it was a photo-finish! Silver...(stretching his neck forward)...gold. If I had a pimple, I would've won.

(to Elaine) I can't believe you write for this J.Peterman catalog. (to George) Get this one: "I packed my rod and reel. 30 hours later, lost in the fiord, a welcoming smile. Thank god she spotted the epaulettes on my Norwegian ice-fishing vest".

This catalog is all about how to score in a foreign country.

Yeah. What do you do all day?

Not that much.

uh-uh.

I thought that new promotion was supposed to be a lot more work.

Yeah, when the season starts. Right now, I sit around pretending that I'm busy.

How do you pull that off?

I always look annoyed. Yeah, when you look annoyed all the time, people think that you're busy. Think about it... (acts annoyed for 3 seconds).

Yeah, you do! He looks very busy!

Yeah, he looks busy! Yeah!

I know what I'm doin'. In fact Mr. Wilhelm gave me one of those little stress dolls. All right. (gets up) Back to work. (acts annoyed and leaves)

(laughs)

So did you come up with a little stupid story for the Himalayan walking shoe yet?

No. I'm completely blocked! In fact, I'm gonna work on it tonight. Oh. Oh no! Oh, I can't! I got that marathon runner coming in tonight.

What marathon runner?

You know, this guy Jean-Paul, Jean-Paul... I met him when I was working at Pendant, editing a book on running...

Oh, wait! Jean-Paul, Jean-Paul! Isn't he the guy who overslept at the Olympics 4 years ago and missed the marathon?!

Yeah, that's him.

He's from uh...Trinidad and Tobago, right?

Yeah, he's Trinidadian and...Tobagan. (laughs)

How do you oversleep at the Olympics...?

Ah, I know. I know...!

I mean, it's like the biggest event of your life! You'd think you'd have, like, 6 alarm clocks, payin'-off little kids in the village to come banging on your door...

Yeah, well, he was pretty devastated. This is his first race in 3 years.

Ah...that's a big responsability on your hands.

What responsibility? I don't have any responsibility.

You gotta wake him up!

Eh...he'll get up...

Hi, Judy.

Hi, Elaine. How are you?

Fine. (laughs)

I've seen her in your building.

Yeah.

I didn't know she was married.

(whispering) She's not... and the guy just took off. (makes a sad face) Don't say anything to anybody.

Whom I gonna tell?

I know, it's just something you have to say...

George, we just got the final budget numbers. We went over budget on some of the items, but I don't think there's gonna be a problem. (hands over the budget file to a very annoyed George) I'll let you get back to work, George. (Mr. Wilhelm leaves the office)

He overslept and missed the whole race. Isn't that amazing?

I'll tell you what happened. I bet he got the AM/PM mixed-up.

My money's on the snooze. I bet he hit the snooze for an extra 5 and it never came back on. (Kramer enters with a bucket and starts filling it with water on the sink) Imagine your whole life riding on an alarm clock.

Alarm clocks? I never use 'em. Don't trust 'em.

What do you do?

I have a uh...mental alarm. I set my head for... quarter to seven and... (makes sound with the lips - "pop!") ...I get up!

Always works?

It never fails. See, it's based on your body clock. See, your body has an internal mechanism. It knows what time it is.

uh-uh. What's with the bucket?

Lomez, he sold me his hot tub.

Hot tub?

Yeah yeah, it's in my living room. I just gotta fill it. (points to bucket)

You put a hot tub... in your living room?

Oh, it's a beauty! It's got these high-volume aqua-sage jets oscillating and pulsating, soothing your every aching muscle. The water's gonna get over 120 degrees! (happy)

Is that tolerable?

Oh...it's tolerable...! (happy)

Isn't that the same temperature the coffee that scalded you?

Oh, I think it's a little cooler than that... (smiles and leaves)

He uh...doesn't have any running water?

I don't ask those kind of questions anymore.

Jerry. Jerry, this is Jean-Paul.

Ah, hi Jean-Paul. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Sorry about the Olympics.

Me too. (disappointed)

Listen, listen I'm gonna go call work to see if I can get my deadline extended. I can't...come up with anything for this thing.

Ah...catalog writer's block?

Yeah, that's funny. (annoyed)

(pause) So what happened? The snooze alarm, wasn't it?

Man, it wasn't the snooze. Most people think it was the snooze, but no, no snooze.

AM/PM.

Man, it wasn't the AM/PM. It was the volume.

Ah...the volume.

Yes, the volume. There was a separate knob for the radio alarm.

Ah, separate knob.

Yes, separate knob. Why separate knob?! Why separate knob?! (frustrated)

Some people like to have the radio alarm a little louder than the radio.

Oh, please, man, please!

Don't worry, it's not gonna happen again. Not if I have anything to say about it.

Elaine, what's the alarm clock situation in your house?

Jerry...

It's a simple question...

I've got an alarm, ok?

That old one? Didn't I once miss a flight to Cleveland because of that alarm clock?

Flight to Cleveland?

It works.

Elaine...

It... works!

Eh...come oooon...(starts stabbing the paper with the pen. Mr. Wilhelm comes in)

George...I think you may be taking work a little too seriously.

Well...I've got a lot to do!

George, I'll tell you what I'd like you to do. I, I'd like you to drop everything.

I have this... fun little assignment I think you'll enjoy. There's some reps in from the Houston Astros for talks on that interleague play... and I want you to show them a good time.(George acts like "ok, you're the boss")

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

You're 40 minutes late. What happened?

I got held up. Do you mind if I heat this muffin up?

No.

What? (Elaine puts her muffin in the microwave and sets the timer) What is the problem?

Well, you said you were gonna be here at a certain time, and you weren't.

uh-uh. uh-uh. And this all means uh...what?

Well, means that a man has come from very far away to compete in a very difficult race, he's put his faith in you, and frankly, I'm a little concerned!

Oh are you?!

Yes I am.

Hey, I'm not running in the marathon! He is!

Yeah, I know that!

Yeah, I got enough to think about just tryin' to come up with some load o'crap for that Himalayan walking shoe! I mean, I've given him a place to stay, I'll set an alarm, but I'm not gonna turn my life completely upside down for this guy!

I'm not talking about upside down. (Jean-Paul and Kramer come in) I'm talking about waking him up!

Hey, Jean-Paul.

Hey, Jean-Paul. How was your soak? Was a good soak?

Ah, man, very good soak. The soak o'the year!

(smelling) What's burning?

Oh! (rushing to the microwave) My muffin! (opens microwave door) Oh, shoot! (slams it)

What happened?

Oh I don't know. I set this thing for 20 seconds.

This was set for 2 minutes. See?

(pointing at Jerry) Don't say anything! Don't..say..anything!

You miss-set the timer...

(leaning against the refrigerator) Jean-Paul, it's not my microwave, ok? Ok? All right, listen, let's just go. Come on, Jean-Paul, let's go. Let's go.

Ok.

(to Jerry) All right. We'll see you at the race, ok?

Yeah. I hope so ?!

Oh that's cute! (closes door and exits with Jean-Paul)

Kramer, I'm tellin' you, Elaine doesn't know whatta hell she's doin'! I gotta take over this whole operation!

Jerry, look how tense you are... You need to take a soak.

I'm not taking a soak in that human bacteria frat you got goin' there.

Come on, I'm tellin' you, it's great. I opened up all the windows... the air is cold, the tub is boiling hot... It's like Sweden, man. Sweeeeden!

(relaxing) ...oooohhh yeeaaah... aaahhh... (he is really enjoying this)

...'till this bastard over here says: "let's call the sons o'bitches and go visit 'em on New York!" (the 3 men laugh)

(smiling) Well, we're certainly glad that you could make it.

I like your organization, George. We've been talkin' to a really friendly son of a bitch in the front office. Wilhelm, I think his name.

Oh yes, Mr.Wilhelm, yeah...

He told us that George Costanza was gonna be takin' us bastards out on the town. (the 3 men laugh again) I said: "that son of a bitch doesn't know what he's got in store for him!". (the 3 men laugh once more)

Finish your drink?

Oh yeah, al-almost. Almost.

Let's get that bastard bring us another round! (waves to bartender)

You a big drinker, George?

Well...maybe not as much as this bastard... (points at Zeke, they all laugh) I can hold my own! (they all continue laughing and drinking)

Jean-Paul, I asked you down here this morning because I'm concerned. Concerned that tomorrow is perhaps the biggest race of your entire career. And the person with whom you have chosen to stay... is uh...

What are you saying?

I'm saying "get the hell outta there"! Let me put you in a hotel. You'll be comfortable, you'll be near the starting line, and most importantly... you'll have a wake-up call, Jean-Paul! A wake-up call!

Wake-up call...

These people never fail. They sit in a room with a big clock all night long, just waitin' to make that call! (George comes in)

No, I will stay with Elaine. It would be rude.

Hey, you bastards.

Hey, how was the meeting?

I really like those sons of bitches.

Sons of bitches?

Yeah! That's how they talk. You know, everyone's either a bastard or a son of a bitch. Yeah, it's like uh..."boy, that son of a bitch Box can really hit, uh?!" (laughs)

Really?!

Yeah, yeah. That's how they talk in the major league. (laughs)

Heeeeey...

How many sweaters you got on?

Oh...four. (to waitress) Yeah, could I have a cup o'tea? Boiling hot.

What's goin'on?

I fell asleep in the hot tub and the heat pump broke. Water went down to 58 degrees. I can't get my core temperature back up!

Your core temperature?

(to Jean-Paul) Here, feel my hand. (takes off glove) Yeah, feel.

Phew... this son of a bitch is ice-cold. (smiles)

Hello?

uh...is that you, George?

(laughs) Yeah, it's me. Is this Clayton?

Well listen, you son of a bitch! You know where we are? 30 000 feet above your head, you bastard! (the 3 laugh and howl)

What are they doin' lettin' you bastards on an airplane? Don't they know that's against FAA regulation?

(to the other 2 men) Hey, hush up, now! I can't hear him!

Listen. I want you guys to send along those agreements the minute you land. Our boys can't wait to kick your butts!

(to Clayton) When's that bastard comin' to Houston?

Hey, Zeke wants to know when you Yankee bastards are comin' to Houston!

You tell that son of a bitch no Yankee is ever comin' to Houston. Not as long as you bastards are running things.

Hey, uh, speak up, George, I can't hear ya!

(Mr.Wilhelm comes in and hears George yelling) You tell that son of a bitch no Yankee is ever comin' to Houston! Not as long as you bastards are running things!

George! George, get a hold of yourself!

Mr.Wilhelm...

What's the matter with you?!

Well I-I...

(thinking and typing) It was a cold winter's night in Timbuktu... (hits the keyboard) Oh! This stinks! (grabs a Himalayan walking shoe and starts squeezing it for inspiration) Oh, come on... come on...!...God! (quits)

Hello.

Hello.

I'm a friend of Elaine's.

Oh, hi.

(looks at the baby) oooooh...look at the cute little bastard... (the building manager comes in) you are mama's little bastard, aren't you? (laughs)

Whatta hell are you doin' harassing my tenants?

(smiling) Oh come on, you son of a bitch. I'm just trying to be friendly.

All right, that's it! (grabs Jean-Paul and gets him out) Let's go!

What...but I got a race tomorrow!

Whoa...it's like a furnace in here!

Oh whatta hell is goin'on?!

Yeah, I turned up the heat.

Turn up the heat in your apartment! (opens a window)

I'm freezin'! I just need to get my hot tub running. I'm waiting for my new heat pump.

Well what's in this giant box out in the hall?

Uh? Oh that must be it.

It's huge!

Yeah, yeah, I got the biggest one they had. It's industrial strength. 16000 BTU's.

Hello?...yeah, I can be there in 10 minutes...you can count on me! (hangs up)

(Jerry is going to his bedroom) What?

I got the call...!

Jean-Paul?

(stops walking) Jean-Paul! (George acts like he scored)

Pretty lucky to find this hotel, Jean-Paul.

Man, I just want to get some sleep. (gets into bed)

All right. (picks up the alarm clock) Let's check out the clock. Notch good... 6:50... volume check. (music playing, he starts swinging) What kinda music you wanna wake up to? Top 40, classical...

Man, whatever! (annoyed)

How about adult contemporary?

Fine, adult contemporary. Just pick one! (irritated)

All right...we're going with adult contempo... (puts alarm away, gets phone) now... the failsafe. The wake-up guy... (dials)

Yes, yes, the wake-up guy.

(on the phone) Front desk...?

Yeah, this is room 419, I'd like a wake-up call for 6:50 AM tomorrow morning.

Yes sir.

That's room 419. 6:50 AM. Four...one...niner...

Yes, I got it sir. You only had to say it once.

I know, but it's a very important wake-up call... and I don't wanna take any chances.

Every wake-up call I make is important. You're no more important than any of our guests.

Well, I just...don't wanna get into a whole thing with you here...

Are you through? (annoyed)

...Yeah I am, but I just...(man hangs-up)

humm...

What is it...?

I think I offended the wake-up guy...! (worried)

No, no.

(gets up) No, no, I did. I think he's got it in for me!

Man, he doesn't got "in" for you.

What if he doesn't call now out of spite?

It is his job!

(pause) Not comfortable... (gets up again)

For God's sake...! (gets up and they start packing)

Jean-Paul? (searching everywhere) Hey Jean-Paul? Jean-Paul? (worried) Jean-Paul?! Oh man... (calling Jerry's) Oh...machine.

I'm not here, leave a message.

Jerry, Jerry, Jean-Paul's missing! He's alone in the city! Call me back. (hangs up)

Judy, hi, listen...

You have got some nerve, Elaine! I told you about that baby in confidence!

Oh I didn't tell anyone.

Well your friend certainly seemed to know all about it. (shuts the door)

... Jerry! (runs angry to her apartment)

Feel much better here at my home base, Jean-Paul. It's a controlled environment.

It's a marathon, you know. 26 miles! I need to get some sleep! (lies on the sofa)

Hey, believe me, if I'd been with you there in Barcelona...you'd be polishing that medal right now. (covers Jean-Paul with a blanket)

Left a comfortable hotel bedroom for this!

That wake-up guy was trouble! All right, I'll be right back. (goes knocking on Kramer's)

(shouting) Man that thing is noisy!

(shouting) Yeah yeah, we're cracking along pretty good! We're almost up to 80 degrees!

Yeah, listen, do me a favor. Set your mental alarm for 6:30 and gimme a call.

Yeah, ok. Wait. (concentrates and makes the "pop!" sound) Done! (Jerry stares, confused)

He's put his faith in you. He's put his faith in you.

I trust Elaine, she is my friend. I trust Elaine, she is my friend.

Frankly, I'm a little concerned.

Ohhh, I'm exhausted. I've been on this street a thousand times! It's never looked so strange! The faces...so cold! In the distance, a child is crying. Fatherless...a bastard child, perhaps. My back aches...my heart aches...but my feet (stops to look at her feet) ...my feet are resilient! (a big smile grows in her face, as she thinks...) Thank God I took off my heels, and put on my... HIMALAYAN WALKING SHOES!!! (lifting her arms up in the air, in ecstasy, as she says...) Yes!

02 AM. Kramer snores. The heat pump short circuits and blows the fuses on the entire building

4:02? (Checks his wristwatch) Aaa-aaahhh! Eight forty seven Jean-Paul! Wake up! Wake uuuuup!

8:47!? (jumps out of the sofa)

Come on, just put your clothes on! You'll get dressed in the car!

Idiot! I trusted you!

Kramer, what happened to the building?! The electricity went out!

Yeah, the heat pump blew all the fuses!

What happened to your mental alarm?!

I guess I hit the snooze... (Jerry runs by Kramer and Kramer falls down)

Make way! I've got-I've got a runner here! Get outta the way! Make way! Make way! Make way, it's a contender! (an event guard stops them)

Hey, hold it!

I'm late, man, I'm in the race!

Go ahead.

Thank you Jerry, you're a wonderful driver. Fantastic route, man!

All right, go, it's a race! Come on!

You wanted to see me, Mr.Steinbrenner?

Yes, George, come in, come in. George, word up's you've been cracking under the pressure. Can't cope, can't stand the heat. Spit the bit.

Oh no, Mr.Steinbrenner, I can explain...

Oh we all get a little cuckoo sometimes George, I used to be like you. Rating personnel 'till they cried, calling managers on the field during a game, threatening to move the team to New Jersey, just to upset people. Then I found a way to relax. I've got two words to say to you, George hot tub. (George looks at him, puzzled)

I'm tellin'you, I never told anyone about that baby. I never even went near your building!

Then how did she find out, Jerry?!

Maybe you should check with the rabbi.

(to Elaine) You want some hot tea?

Oh no, thank you.

Oh. There's some runners. Here they come!

There's Jean-Paul! He's up front! He's leading! (jumping) Go Jean-Paul!(starts screaming)

Oh yeah! Yeah! Come on! (starts howling)

Come on, let's go Jean-Paul!

Go Jean-Paaaaaul!

How're you enjoying it, George? Melts that tension away, doesn't it? You gotta get that jet on the good spot. Oh. Oh. Uh. Uh. Yes, that feels good. Yes, that's real good. Oh yeah, that's where I keep all my tension. Right down to that chicken bone. Sometimes I get my wife to just stuck her thumb right in there like a screwdriver. Ya know, the Phillips head, not the flat one. Oh God, those flat ones frustrate me. You got it in, but it slips out. You put it in again, slips out again. You a single man, George?

(bored to death) Well, I-I just recently uh...

I'll tell you, if you wanna get something wild goin'on in your life, you get a girl and bring her to one o'these things. Just like 4 shots a wild turkey. (laughs) She'll think you're Hopalong Cassidy. (George starts sliding, until he gets all his head -and glasses- under water, as Steinbrenner keeps talking) A show, about that Mickey Mantle, wasn't it? You know we used to talk. I don't think he liked me very much, you know.