The Cadillac (Part 2) Script

Last week, on Seinfeld.

Ow. Stupid fold-out! Why'd they put the bar in the middle of the bed?

Hello?

(flirtatious) Hi Jerry.

Elaine? Wh..what's going on?

(clears throat) I was thinking, I mean, I'm not really doing that much this weekend, and I thought, well, huh, what the hell, maybe I'll come down there and hang out a little.

(a little confused) You wanna hang out here, at phase two of the Pines of Mar Gables?

Well, it's just two hours by plane...

Gee, I dunno what to tell you.

Dammit! I got another call. Uh, hang on, don't hang up Jerry.

Yeah?

(urgent whisper) Elaine! You have got to get me Marisa Tomei's phone number!

(impatient) Okay, George, I am on the other line. I promise you, I'll get you her number.

Yeahhh.

Goodbye.

(smiling and flirty) Hi.

Hi.

So, what d'you think?

Uh, I don't think so.

(disappointed) Oh.

I'll be back on Monday.

Well, if you need that ride, just uhm, gimme a call. (little laugh) Heh. I can meet you at the gate, Jer.

Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Alright, I'll see you.

(urgent) Jerry? Jerry?

(putting the phone back to his ear) Yeah.

(breathy) Bye.

Bye.

Hello.

Hello, Mister Kramer? This is John Hanaran, from Con Ed.

Ohh, it's Hanaran now, is it?

Yeah. We've had some reports of power surges in your building. It seems some jokers were up on the roof, and they must've damaged some of the wires.

Oh, you don't say.

(a little confused by Kramer) Yeah. Either way, we need to get into your apartment and do a safety check.

(impressed) Ohh, you're good. You are really good.

(confused) What're you talking about?

Marisa Tomei! I, just spoke to Marisa Tomei! (sitting opposite Elaine) And I wasn't even that nervous.

You know, I can't remember the last time I called a woman without being nervous. I, usually, I'm pacing all over the room, I'm...

(looking at her watch) Okay, well that's all the time we have for today. Why don't we pick up with this next week?

Hey, where you going?

I got stuff to do.

What? You can't leave yet.

Why not?

We have to discuss my alibi.

Alibi? What does that have to do with me?

I usually spend Saturday afternoons with Susan. She's gonna want to know what I'm doing. I can't use Jerry, he's in Florida.

Oh, so you wanna say you were with me?

Yes.

(pulls a face) Puh. Okay, fine. You were with me.

Wait a second, wait. Why are we together?

What is the difference?

Because, if you ever see her and it comes up, we have to be in sync. Hmm?

Okay. Now, why do I have to see (points) you?

Ah! Because, I'm going to the dentist, and I'm afraid, and I want you to go with me.

(dismissive) It's no good.

(pointedly) Okay. Fine.

What?

I don't like the way you just rejected my suggestion.

Hey, hey, let's not get so defensive here. This is a give and take process.

I thought that my suggestion was good. And, I think you could've been a little more tactful.

(explaining, with lots of hand gestures) Okay, look. We've never worked together on a lie. Now, you don't understand how I work. I have a certain way of working. Jerry and I have worked together a few times. He knows how I work. It's not a personal thing, y'know? We're just trying to come up with the best possible lie. That's what this is all about.

(weary) Okay.

Alright?

Okay.

Okay.

Fine.

Good.

Fine, fine, fine.

Okay. How about this?

What?

(pleased with himself) You are having problems with your boyfriend and I am meeting you to discuss the situation.

I don't have a boyfriend.

(still pleased) She doesn't know that. We say that you do.

(not convinced) Ech.

It's good. Believe me.

I thought my idea was just as good.

The dentist thing?

(pointed) Yeah, right. The dentist thing.

Alright, the dentist thing was not good.

Okay, alright. What's his name? Who is he?

(after a moment's thought) Art Vandelay.

(incredulity) Art Vandelay? This is my boyfriend?

That's your boyfriend.

What does he do?

He's an importer.

Just imports? No exports?

(getting irritated) He's an importer-exporter. Okay?

Okay. So, I'm dating Art Vandelay. What is the problem we're discussing?

(thoughtful) Yes. Yes.

(sighs) Yi-yi-yi.

Ah! (explaining, with hand gestures) How 'bout this? How about, he's thinking of quitting the exporting, and just focussing in on the importing. And this is causing a problem, because, why not do both?

(irked) Oh, what? You don't like that suggestion either?

It's very complicated.

(definitely irritated) You know, it seems to me that it's all you, and none of my ideas are getting in. You know, I mean, you just know it all and I am Miss Stupid. Right?

What're you doing? Are you making coffee?

Yeah.

Well, maybe you better make a pot of tea, too.

Morty, you're driving me crazy.

Look, I don't want anything to go wrong. If this woman votes to impeach me, I'll be a laughing stock.

You wanna drive a Cadillac? Expect to pay the consequences.

There she is.

Hello. Hello, Mrs Choate.

Oh, come in, come in. May I take your coat.

No, no. I prefer to wear it. Nobody's taking my coat.

Ah, how 'bout a cup of coffee or something?

Coffee? Ach. I'll take hot water with lemon, if you have it.

I'll see. (indicating the couch) Have a seat. That's a lovely scarf you're wearing. Where did you get it?

Ahh, they're a dime a dozen.

Oh, hi Jerry. Mrs Choate, (indicating) this is my son, Jerry.

Gimme that rye!)

Stop it. Let go. Help! Someone, help!

Shut up, you old bag!

(shouting after him) Thief! Stop him! Stop him, he's got my rye!

Nice to meet you.

Hello.

(holding Jerry's shoulders) Jerry lives in New York. You just came from New York, didn't you?

Yeah. I was visiting my daughter, and I'll never go back. The crime there is just terrible. Do you know I got mugged for a marble rye, right on the street?

(sympathy) Oh, that's terrible. They stole a rye? Why would they steal a rye?

That's what the city's turning into. They'll steal anything.

They're like savages.

Yeah, there's some sickos out there.

(peering at Jerry) You look very familiar. Have we ever met?

You ever go to Camp Tiyoga?

Maybe you've seen him on television.

Jerry's a comedian.

Naw, I don't watch TV.

(opening the door) Well, it was nice meeting you.

Jerry, don't go.

Ah, I think I'll go.

So, Morty, what's this all about? What d'you want?

Hey, where're you going?

Wha..? I didn't tell you? I gotta go meet Elaine.

Elaine? What for?

I don't know. She..She's having some problems with this guy she's seeing.

I didn't even know she was dating anyone.

Yeah, yeah. She's seeing this guy, Art Vandelay.

So what does he do?

He's an importer-exporter.

What kind of problems are they having?

(not happy delivering Elaine's lie) Well, he uh, he wants to uh, quit the exporting and uh, focus just on the importing. And it's a problem, because she thinks the exporting is as important as the importing.

Are you having an affair with Elaine?

(trying to laugh it off) Right. C'mon! I'm having an affair with Elaine?! If I was having an affair with Elaine, I wouldn't tell you I'm going to see Elaine. I would make up some other person to tell you I was gonna go see, and then I would go see Ela..Elaine.

Huh?

(yelling after the fleeing Kramer) I'll get you! I'll get you Kramer! You won't get away with this!

Alright, are you ready to eat?

(glancing at her watch) Oh, right, let's go. Jerry, let's go, it's time to eat. We're going to dinner.

(confused) Dinner? W..What time is it?

(pulling on a coat) It's four-thirty.

(bewildered) Four-thirty? Who eats dinner at four-thirty?

By the time we sit down, it'll be quarter to five.

I don't understand why we have to eat now.

We gotta catch the early-bird. It's only between four-thirty and six.

Yeah. They give you a tenderloin, a salad and a baked potato, for four-ninety-five. You know what that cost you after six?

Can't we eat at a decent hour? I'll treat, okay?

You're not buying us dinner.

(emphatic) I'm not force-feeding myself a steak at four-thirty to save a coupla bucks, I'll tell you that!

Alright, (sitting on the couch) we'll wait. (pointedly) But it's unheard of.

...So, anyway, if you think about it, manure is not really that bad a word. I mean, it's 'newer', which is good, and a 'ma' in front of it, which is also good. Ma-newer , right?

(laughing) You're so right. I never thought of it like that. Manure. 'Ma' and the 'newer'.

Did you just make that up?

What, you think I'm doing material here?

(laughs) No, no. It's hard to believe anyone could be so spontaneously funny.

(modest) And I'm a little tired.

So, tell me, how is it that a man like you, so bald, and so quirky and funny, how is it you're not taken?

Well, Marisa. See, the thing is... I'm sort of engaged.

What?

I'm, you know, engaged.

Hey look, there's a spot right in front.

Always, Jerry. Always.

Was that delicious or what?

Where you gonna get a better meal than that?

Better than Danny's.

Danny's? (scoffs) C'mon!

Hello Jack.

Doris.

Hello, hello.

Jack.

Hello, Jerry.

Hi Doris.

Hello Morty. (looking at watch) Well, missed the early bird.

Yeah, so?

(pointed) Must be nice to have that kind of money.

Bernie, look who's eating at six o'clock. (pointed) Your suddenly well-to-do president. But, you enjoy your last meal in office. Tomorrow, they kick you out, you'll have plenty of time to drive around in your Cadillac.

They're not kicking me out. You don't have the votes.

That's what you think.

We'll see.

Yes, we will.

Awright, let's eat already.

Hi, Susan.

Hi.

Hi. Come in, come in. Have a seat.

(standing) Uh, Elaine, I have to ask you a question.

Oh, sure.

(dead serious) Are you having an affair with George?

(disbelief) Wha...?! (uncontrolled laughter) Ha ha ha. Ha, no.

(laughter) Don't be ridiculous! (laughter) I mean, why would anyone wanna sleep...

...Well, obviously... You know... (disbelief) Ap..ap, Chu... Why would you think I was having an affair with George?

Ohh, because he said that he had to talk with you earlier about some problem that you were having.

(recalling the arranged lie) Yeah, yeah, I did have to talk with him. I definitely had to talk with him. Having a problem with my boyfriend.

Art Vandelay?

Yeah, Art Vandelay.

I'm sorry. (laughing it off) I feel like an idiot.

(smiling) No, no. (laughing) Huh-hu-hu. It's okay.

Oh, just forget that we ever talked. Okay?

It is so forgotten.

Alright.

Okay. (relieved) Okay, no problem.

So, was George helpful at all?

(unconvincing) Yeah. Oh, yes, yes, he was very helpful. (hesitant) Uhm, because, you know, Art and I were getting into this whole thing about his business. Uhm, you know he's an importer-exporter.

(not convinced) Yeah.

(explaining, with gestures) Uhm, George felt that I was too adamant in my stand that Art should focus on the exporting and forget about the importing.

(spotting an inconsistency) Wait a minute. I thought that Art wanted to give up the exporting.

What'd I say?

The importing.

(caught out) I did. Uh...

So, what does he uh, import?

(extemporising) Uh... chips.

Oh. What kinda chips?

Potato.

Ah.

(embroidering) Some corn.

And what does he export?

Diapers.

(fake smile) I'm sorry for bothering you.

Oh, no, it's okay.

Okay.

(to herself) C'mon, George, pick up. Oh, pick up. Oh, pick up.

Hi.

Hi. (pointedly) So, George, what does Art Vandelay import?

Matches? Long matches.

...There she is. Okay, if I can have your attention for a minute here. We're calling this emergency meeting of the board of phase two, to consider a motion of impeachment of our president, (indicating) Morty Seinfeld.

Nervous, Jack?

What for?

Because I have the votes.

Nice to see you, Mrs Choate.

Hello, Morty.

Building A. Are you for, or against, the motion to impeach?

What does that mean?

It means, if you're for the motion, you're against Morty.

So why don't you say that?

Hey, I'm running the meeting.

If you think so.

Building A?

For impeachment.

Building B?

Against impeachment.

Building C?

For impeachment.

Building D?

Against impeachment.

(a whisper to Morty) I can't believe you got that old bag.

Help! Someone help!

Shut up, you old bag!

(after Jerry) Oh, thief! Thief!

It's him. (pointing at Morty) It's your son. Now I know where I saw him. He stole my marble rye.

My son never stole anything. He's a good boy.

They should lock him up.

(pointing at Morty) Like father, like son. (thumps table) I change my vote. I vote to impeach!

Me too. I change my vote.

All those in favour, say aye.

Aye.

All opposed.

The ayes have it. The motion passes.

Morty Seinfeld, you are officially dismissed as condo president. As vice-president, Jack Klompus, in accordance with the phase two constitution, is hereby installed as president.

Hear, hear, Jack.

(weary) Alright, I know you're in there. I know you can hear me. You win, okay? You win. I can't do it any more. What d'you want from me? Apology? Alright, I'm sorry. There, I said it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I see now how we made you feel when we made you sit home waiting. I dunno why we do it. (upset) I guess maybe we just kind of enjoy taking advantage of people. (reasonable) Well, that's gonna change. From now on, no more 'nine to twelve', no more 'one to five'. We're gonna have appointments. Eleven o'clock is gonna mean eleven o'clock. And, if we can't make it, we're gonna call you, tell you why. (worked up) For god's sakes, if a doctor can do it, why can't we? (almost sobbing) Anyway, that's it.

The bags are in the car, I guess we better go.