The Gum

(unwrapping a piece of gum) I think gum is, is one of the weirdest human inventions. (pops gum in his mouth) It's not a liquid, 's not a solid, 's not a food. What is it? It isn't really anything, you know. I mean, it's like a stationary bike for your jaw. Like, remember when you were in school, and teachers would get all riled up if they caught you with gum? And when you were a kid, you'd think 'What is the big deal?' But, as an adult, I can understand it, because when you're chewing gum, you don't look like you're too thrilled with anything anyone has to say. (as sarcastic teen) 'Oh, World War Two. That was an important historical event? Yeah, I'm sure.' 'They landed a man on the moon, nineteen sixty-nine? Yeah, right. Yeah, I buy that, teach.'

You think she's happy?

Who?

(indicates with his head) The cashier.

Ruthie Cohen?

(surprised) You know her name?

Sure.

I don't think I've ever spoken to her.

Maybe that's why she's happy.

(handing Jerry & George a flyer) Good morning, gentlemen.

What is this?

(removing his coat) Yeah, well, it's the latest offering from the Alex Theatre.

That stinky old movie-house?

(sits beside Jerry) Well, you should smell it now. We fixed up the place.

(gesturing with flyer) With Spartacus?

(lighting his pipe) Well, it's a rare archival print. (jumps as his burns his fingers) Twelve extra minutes, full wide-screen CinemaScope, and if you come to the one o'clock show, you can hear Geoffrey Har-harwood.

Geoffrey who?

Har-harwood, Jerry. He was the assistant wardrobe man on Spartacus. Some fascinating insights into the production.

Why would I spend seven dollars to see a movie that I could watch on TV?

Well, why go to a fine restaurant, when you can just stick something in the microwave? Why go to the park and fly a kite, when you can just pop a pill? (looks around Monk's) Listen, you guys haven't seen Lloyd Braun, have you? I'm supposed to meet him here.

Lloyd Braun? What d'you have to meet him for?

Well, he's using his connections in the Mayor's office, to uh, get the theatre landmark status.

I thought he screwed up the Dinkins campaign.

Well, he did. You know, after that, he had a nervous breakdown? Had to spend a few months in an institution.

Really?

Yeah, but he's doing a lot better now. I've taken him under my wing.

Oh, then I'm not worried.

But he still needs all of our support. Now, when he gets here treat him like he's one of the gang, huh.

(thoughtful) Breakdown, huh?

Hey Kramer.

Oh, hey Lloyd, hey buddy. (gets up and shakes Lloyd's hand)

How you doing?

(slaps Lloyd on the shoulder) Sit down. (sits himself)

Hi Jerry.

Lloyd.

George.

Hello, Lloyd. How you doing?

Yeah well, he's doing fine, George.

(offering packet) Gum?

(peering) That's an interesting package.

Yeah, it's from China. Go ahead, try a piece. Tell me that's not the most delicious gum you've ever tasted.

Yes, yes. We shall all try a piece and tell you how delicious it is. (he takes pieces for himself and Jerry)

George?

I don't chew gum.

(chewing) Mmm, different. Where'd you get it?

Friend of mine in Chinatown gave it to me. If you want I can ask him where he got it.

Nah, don't bother.

No, it's no problem.

I don't want it.

Jerry, Jerry. Lloyd says it's no problem. He's capable of locating the gum.

Alright.

Mmm, delicious. This is delicious. Mmm.

You know what? I think this Ruthie Cohen gave me the wrong change. Didn't I pay with a twenty? I'm sure I paid with a twenty.

Hey.

Hey.

I think I finally figured out what the flavor is in this gum. It's a little lo-mein-y. (he spits it into the waste bin)

What kind is that?

It's Chinese gum, Lloyd Braun gave me.

Lloyd Braun? How's he doing?

(almost gleeful) After Dinkins lost the election, he had a complete nervous breakdown. They had to lock him up.

You know, that's around the same time I broke up with Lloyd. Y... you don't think that I had anything to do with his breakdown, do you?

You know, I remember when we parted company, I was babbling incoherently for months.

Yeah? Well, I got news for you.

The whole time that I was growing up, all I ever heard from my mother was 'Why can't you be more like that Lloyd Braun?'

And in the end Lloyd Braun became more like you.

Right, gotta get going.

Aren't you coming with us to Spartacus?

Nah, I gotta deliver some Christmas presents to my parents.

I thought your parents were outta town?

Why d'you think I'm going now?

QUEENS

Georgie!

Hey, Mr Lazzari.

Back in the old neighborhood, ah?

Yeah, yeah. Just delivering some presents to my folks.

Oh, snazzy car. Le Baron?

Yeah, eighty-three. Used to belong to John Voight.

The actor, right?

Something like that.

Mind if I look under the hood?

Oh, no no no no. Go ahead, Pop, you always knew your cars.

Oh, Deena! Deena, Deena, l... look who's here.

George Costanza, is that you?

Hey Deena, come on, give us a hug. (they hug) Oh my gosh, you look as pretty as you did back in high school.

Boy, those were some crazy times.

Yeah, yeah. Speaking of crazy, did you hear about Lloyd Braun?

LOBBY

The Alex was built in nineteen twenty-two, during the golden era of movie palaces. Minor restorations in nineteen forty-one, forty-seven, fifty-two, fifty-eight, sixty-three, and currently to our present period of time.

Boy, you're really getting into this aren't you?

Yes, yes I am. The icing on the cake would be getting that landmark status from the City. We're hoping Lloyd Braun can pull a few strings.

Oh, can Lloyd really do that?

Lloyd Braun can do anything he puts his mind to. He's fine, Jerry. (to Elaine) And you should say hello to him, Elaine.

(concerned) What? Lloyd is here?

What? No, no, I'd rather...

Hi Elaine.

(big fake smile) Lloyd, yes. Hello.

Kramer tell you? We reserved some special seats, so we can all sit together.

(reluctant) Oh, well... I, uh, actually Lloyd, Jerry and I have to sit in the front row, uhm, (desperately inventing) because uh, because, because he, he forgot his glasses. So uh, thanks for getting us... uhm, we'll see you afterwards.

That was odd. Am I crazy, or does Jerry not wear glasses?

(emphatic) You're not crazy. Jerry does wear glasses. He just forgot 'em, that's all. (puts an arm round Lloyd's shoulder) Not crazy.

AUDITORIUM

We're all the way in the front row. Why couldn't we sit in the special seats?

I'm sorry, but I didn't want Lloyd thinking I was leading him on again. Seeing him made me feel very uncomfortable.

Nah, you don't wanna be uncomfortable.

QUEENS

Poor Lloyd.

I know. Completely bonkers!

Sorry I can't be so flip about this kind of thing. You know, after what happened to Pop.

Pop? What happened to Pop?

I thought you heard. He had a nervous breakdown last year. That's why I'm taking care of him.

Oh, I tell you, they don't build 'em like this any more.

(a little worried) He uh, he doesn't have the auto shop any more?

Uhn, it was too much for him.

(very worried) Uhm, I, I gotta go.

What?

I just remembered, I gotta be someplace. Yuh-hu-hur, that's enough. Pop. Pop, put down the wrench, Pop.

AUDITORIUM

Pop! POP!!

LOBBY

's a great movie, huh?

Yeah.

Sorry you forgot those glasses.

I don't know what I was thinking.

How'd you like that gum?

(noncommittal) Errh.

(slapping Jerry on the back) Ah, he loved it.

Hey Kramer, you know what? There, there isn't a light there, in the ladies' room.

Yeah, yeah. It's being repaired.

Oh. Oh God.

You alright?

Ah, I sat too close to the screen. Oh. I just gotta stretch out in a hot bath. It was nice to see you again, Lloyd.

Officer. Officer, is there some reason this man has to always be using a hose? I mean, he's flooding the sidewalk. It's a waste of water. Couldn't he just use a broom?

Lady, you sold me. (strides toward florist) Hey, you with the hose.

Yeah, put these glasses on.

(taking them) Well, what's this for?

Yeah, well Lloyd, he's gonna be here any minute now.

So what?

Well, he thinks you wear those.

They're from the lost and found at the Alex.

Aw, c'mon Kramer, this is ridiculous. I'm not gonna put these on.

Oh. Okay. So he'll just think that the two of you didn't sit with him on purpose. Ooh yeah, that's very nice. Very nice.

'scuse me. I uh, I was in here this morning and uh, I believe I paid you with a twenty dollar bill, (smiles) but you only gave me change for a ten.

I don't think so.

Oh, I think so, and I can prove it. You see, I was doodling on the bill and uh, so if you have a twenty in there with big lips on it... well, (smiles) that's mine. Would you mind opening up the register?

Not unless you buy something.

Fine, I'll buy a pack of gum.

Hey George. Thought you didn't chew gum?

I don't.

Take a look.

I know I gave it to you.

George, would you mind. I'm kind of in a hurry.

(frustrated) Fine. Fine. (to customer) Excuse me. (heading for the door) Think I'm gonna forget about this? I haven't forgotten about this. I don't forget that easily!

Hey, Jerry, look who's here.

Ah, Lloyd.

Hi Jerry. Got some more of that gum.

(unenthusiastic) Oh, the gum.

Yeah, let's all enjoy a chew, huh?

(still not happy) Uh, alright. (he takes a piece)

Oh, boy.

Now see, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies, sitting around, chewing gum, huh? Mmm, mmm, yeah. So uh, you know, Lloyd, he thinks he can get more of this.

Well, Lloyd's a very industrious fellow. I'm sure he can accomplish anything he sets his mind to.

Actually, the importer's right in Chinatown. I'll introduce you to him, you can get it whenever you want.

's not necessary.

Hey, Jerry, you know, Lloyd wants to do you a favour.

I know that, Kramer.

Well, if you don't want to...

No, sure sure, he wants to. It's very kind of you. Yeah, Jerry, he appreciates it. Don't you, Jerry?

Yes I do, Kramer.

So...

Yeah?

How about that Elaine today, huh?

Oh, baby, what was that all about, huh?

(to Jerry) She was practically undressing in front of me at the theatre.

I didn't see anything.

Yeah, you uh, really missed a show, buddy. Wooh, ba-boom, ba-boom-ba-ba-ba-boom-ba.

You're probably wondering why I wanted to see you again.

Well, you know. (grins, snorts) It's understandable.

I'm glad you feel that way. Because since my father's breakdown I uh, become very sensitive to the warning signs.

Warning signs?

Nervousness, irritability, paranoia.

(disbelief) What? (laugh) Wh... what're you talking about? I'm not the one with the problem. (defensive) Lloyd Braun was in the nuthouse, not me.

Yet again, taking pleasure in the misfortunes of others.

All my friends do that.

George, I'm only trying to help...

I'm... I'm concerned. George? George, are you listening to me?

You see that woman on the horse? (points)

She stole twenty dollars from me. (getting angry) Yeah, I might've gotten it back, but Lloyd Braun interfered!

So again it all comes back to Lloyd.

(rising to his feet) Hey! Hey, you! (setting off after her) Come back here!! Don't gallop away!!

So you say she was on a horse?

I'm telling you, that cashier is riding horses on my money.

Well, here's what I propose. Go down to the stables, snoop around. See if any high-flying cashier's been throwing twenty dollar bills around with big lips.

Hey.

Well, if it isn't Chesty La Rue.

(sits beside Jerry) What?

I was chewing gum with Lloyd Braun, and he was bragging about the peepshow you gave him at the Alex.

(laughing it away) Oh God. I lost a button, so my blouse was wide open. I musta left it at the theatre.

Maybe it's in the lost and found.

Yeah, I know. I have to go check it out. It's a beautiful button too, you know. It's antique ivory. It was my mother's.

You know, the way you were wolfing down that popcorn, maybe you ate it.

LOBBY

Mr Har-harwood. Well, what an unexpected surprise to have you back at the Alex Theatre.

Well I, I'm in a bit of a quandary. I've misplaced my spectacles.

Well, let's look in lost and found, shall we?

They're half-glasses.

Brown?

Mmm, yes, yes.

Uh, yeah. Ah, well if they're not in the box, I'm sure they'll turn up soon. Listen, could you keep an eye on the place? I wanna go out and get some paraffin wax, and bring out the lustre of this vintage countertop.

Certainly.

Oh my goodness. What a spanking button.

STREET OUTSIDE ALEX

(glances in mirror) Alright. Alright.

(getting annoyed) Hang on, it's warming up!

(angrily) Oh you mother...

Hey! What is your problem?

Oh, hello, it's you! (angry) Listen lady, I got six minutes left on that meter, and I'm not budging til you admit you stole my twenty dollars. (smug) Huh-hu-hur, you're not so tough when you're not on your horse, are you Ruthie?

Your car's on fire.

Aah! Fire!

(after George) Merry Christmas!

(shouting) Fire!!

Your hose! Where's your hose?!

Cop made me disconnect it.

Jeez! What happened to your car, buddy?

The Jon Voight car is no more.

Wow. Well, don't you sweat it. You can use my car any time you want to.

No kidding?

No kidding.

Hey, thanks. I owe you a big one.

Yeah, merry Christmas.

(staring at the wreck) Whatever.

LOBBY

Alright, I'm here. Where's Braun?

What, he's not here yet?

Look, I'll go downtown to Chinatown with him, but that is it!

Listen, I'm gonna need those glasses.

Why?

They're Geoffrey Haarwood's.

(proffering) Here, try this pair.

Aw, these are really strong glasses.

Hey gum-buddy. Nice frames. You ready to go?

(lacking enthusiasm) Yeah, yeah.

(clapping Jerry on the back) Oh yeah, he's all ready to go.

Anybody see Elaine today?

Oh yeah, she called a little earlier. She's coming over to check out lost and found.

Maybe I'll stick around and see what she's wearing today. Or not wearing, if you know what I mean.

Absolutely. Let's just stick around.

Ah, tell you what, they're expecting us though. Lemme just grab a hotdog here.

Uh, yeah.

I'd like a hotdog, please.

Are you outta your mind?

Wh...wh...wh... what's the problem here?

This hotdog's been here since the silent era. You'd have to be insane to eat it.

No, no, no, no, no. This man is not insane. Now there's nothing wrong with it or you.

Kramer, maybe...

No, no, no, no. I'll show you. (slams a bill down on the counter) One hotdog please.

(on your head be it) Okay.

Mmm, doesn't that smell good, huh?

Yeah, here we go, yeah. (he takes a big bite) Mmm, oh. That's delicious. Mmm. It's a perfectly sane food to eat. (he takes another bite)

Uhm, interesting texture. It's chewy. (he half-coughs, half-retches) I gotta get, some air.

LATER

Excuse me. 'scuse me, weren't you told to stop using that hose?

How would you happen to know that?

Well, uhm... I...

(accusing) You're that lady that was talking to the cops, aren't you?

Uh... I...

Hey, Joe!

No, wait! You're soaking me, you're soaking me!

LOBBY

Hey. Hey everybody.

Whoah, Elaine! Once again, you've managed to top yourself. C'mon Jerry, let's go. Car's out front.

Lloyd?

Lloyd?

(exasperated) What is Lloyd's problem?

Look, honey, I know you're trying to get Lloyd to notice you, but this is too much. Parading around in a wet T-shirt.

Uhh, I got sprayed with a hose.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry, but the Alex is a family theatre, not one of your swing joints.

So, you want my father to pay for this?

You saw him. He was fiddling with the engine. God knows what he did there.

And I suppose Lloyd Braun had something to do with it too.

No, not Lloyd Braun. But the cashier.

What cashier?

You remember the woman on the horse? She wanted my spot.

To park her horse?

No, she wasn't on the horse.

So, your car caught fire because of my father and the woman on the horse?

That's right.

(points) And him!

The man with the flowers?

Yeah, yeah, the flower guy. Listen, I know this all sounds a little crazy, but...

I can't believe it. Look, that's Jerry Seinfeld.

Who?

Jerry Seinfeld. My best friend. He can explain all of this. (calls to Jerry) Jerry.

Jerry! Over here Jerry. It's me!

Jerry, where y'going? It's... what're...

(doubtful) That was your best friend?

Yeah, yeah, but he doesn't wear glasses.

That man was wearing glasses.

I know. Don't you see. (emphatic) He was doing it to fool Lloyd Braun!

I'll run in and get the gum.

Alright.

Got any money?

(handing it over) Here.

(climbing out of the car) I'll be back.

Look, Deena, I know you think I'm crazy, but I'm not. This is just a series of bad coincidences.

I don't know, George. I don't know what to believe.

Believe me, I am not crazy.

Well, I guess it's possible.

Here y'go.

(indistinct) Got all this?

Yeah. A hundred dollar's worth.

(incredulous) I gave you a hundred dollars?!

You sure did. Am I crazy, or is that a lotta gum?

It's a lotta gum!

Mr Hararwood. Found your glasses.

Oh, splendid. Welcome to the Institute for the Preservation of Motion Picture Costumes and Wardrobe.

Ah, the I.P.M.P.C.W.

Well eh, we prefer to call it the Institute.

Is that from Henry the Eighth?

Yes, yes, it is.

Well, you know, we're screening that tonight at the Alex. Do you think that I could wear that to promote the theatre?

Well, I... I'd love to lend it to you, but I doubt if it would fit a man of your impressive, Raymond Massey-like, physique. The only person who could really fit into this costume, would have to be a short, stocky, man of somewhat generous proportions.

(an idea occurs) You don't say.

You're really helping me out with this, buddy. Kids are gonna be so thrilled.

Yeah, yeah. You really cashed in on that favor pretty quick.

Remember, you're a king, you must project a Royal bearing.

(angry undertone) Oh, I'm gonna give you a Royal bearing. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Lemme get a pack of gum here.

(handing over a bill) Can I get a pack of gum, please?

I beg your pardon, your majesty, but we don't accept bills with lipstick on the president.

What? Huh, so I had it all along. How d'you like that? (snorts) I guess I owe that cashier an apology.

Oh my God!

No, no. Deena, it's not what you think.

Th... this isn't mine.

I got it from the Institute. The Institute.

(shouting) Dee... Deena!

LOBBY

Ahh, Mr Haarwood. Well, you certainly know how to dress for a premiere.

Well, thank you. Uh, where is your friend King Henry?

Oh, he ran away.

Hey Kramer.

I need to talk to you.

You know, that button looks very familiar.

Yes, it, it, it's antique ivory.

I, I think that's my button. (wanders over to Haarwood) You know, I've been looking all over for it. Did, did you find it here?

Yes, it was in the lost and found.

Shall I undo it?

Oh yes, of course you can.

Oh, thank you.

I'm a little ticklish.

Oh. (giggly) Tickle, tickle.

We've really gotta get that Elaine a boyfriend.

Oh, tell me about it.