The Junior Mint

You can't just *have* an adultery-- you *commit* adultery. And you can't even *commit* adultery unless you already *have* a commitment. So you have to make the commitment before you can even think about committing it. There's no commit without the commit. Then, once you commit, then you can commit the adultery. Then you can get caught, get divorced, lose your mind and they have you committed. But y'know some people actually *cheat* on the people that they're cheating with. Which is like, y'know, being in a hold up and then turning to the robber next to you and goin' Alright, gimme everything you have, too''.

You met her at the supermarket? How did you do that?

(flips a roll of paper towels in the air) Produce section. *Very* provocative area. A lot of melons and shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling... It just happened.

(laughs-hu) So when're you gonna see her?

Tonight.

What's her name?

I... don't... know...

How could you not know her name?

I was a little nervous, I got distracted. It has something to do with a car, or a fish...

Look at that. Why do I get bananas? They're good for *one* day...

Oh my God, I forgot to tell you. I got a letter today from the State Controller's Office. Y'know when I was going to public school back in Brooklyn, every week I used to put fifty cents in the Lincoln Savings Bank.

Yeah, I did that too.

Yeah, You remember the, the little eh, bank book, there?

Sure.

Alright, so I haven't put anything in it since sixth grade, I completely forgot about it. The State Controller's Office tracks me down. The interest has accumulated to 1,900 dollars. 1,900 dollars! They're sending me a cheque!

Wow!

Hu-Yeah, interest. It's an amazing thing. You make money without doing anything...

Y'know I have some friends who try and base their whole life on that principle.

Really? Who?

Nobody you know...

Maybe I'll go down to the track. Put it all on a horse...

Why don't you put it in the *bank*?

The *bank*? This is *found* money. I want to *parlay* it. I wanna make a big score!

*Oh*, you mean you wanna *lose* it...

Yeah... All right....Ya got it, eh.

Yes I did.

Yes.

What's with the gloves?

Well, I'm staining my floors, y'know, I don't want to get my hands dirty...

Huh. What, the whole apartment?

The whole apartment. And I'm buying that fake wood wallpaper. I'm gonna surround myself in wood. It's gonna be like a log cabin. 'Cuz I *need* wood around me. Wood, Jerry [Snaps fingers]... Wood.

Wood is good.

Definitely.

So we're still going to the health club to play racquetball right?

Yeah, yeah, whenever you're ready.

O.K., soon as Elaine gets here.

Yep.

What, you rented "Home Alone"?

Yeah.

I thought you saw that already...

No, I saw "Home Alone II".

Oh, right... But you *hated* it!

Well I was lost, I never saw the first one. By the way, you mind if I watch it here?

What for?

Because if I watch it at my apartment I feel like I'm not doing anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house; I'm doing something.

All right.. Go ahead.

Yeah?

(on the intercom) It's me, are you ready to go?

No. Come on up.

I can't work with these!

What's wrong?

Well, you bought me dishwashing gloves. There's no *fine touch*...

You said "gloves"...

No, no, these are too thick. (removes the gloves/tosses them on the kitchen counter)

Oooh, is that "Home Alone"?

Yeah. The *original*.

Hey Boys-O!

(in unison) Heyyyyyyyy.

Hey, how's it goin'?

Hello.

(to Kramer) Hey (snaps fingers) get your stuff, let's get going.

Well wait a minute, there's a slight change of plans.

What?

eh, Remember Roy, the artist?

Oh, the "triangle" guy.

Yeah, exactly, the "triangle" guy.

Yeah, you liked him. What happened with him?

Yeah I did. He was very talented. He was, ah just, I don't know a little too...

Artsy?

Fat.

Oh. (unh - very quiet sigh)

He was a fat, starving artist, y'know. That's very rare.

Yeah.

Anyway, he's in the hospital, he's having surgery and I feel like should go visit him.

What's wrong with him?

Unh, something with his spleen. Anyway it'll just take five minutes, O.K., and then, the hospital is right on the way.

Yeah. (putting hand to his mouth, hatching a thought)

All right we'll wait for you.

Yeah, maybe I can get some rubber gloves there huh, yea.

Listen, Jerry can you do me a favor? (clears throat) Could you, go into the room with me to visit him because ah, I don't want him to think that I'm, y'know... interested.

Oh, you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend.

Well...

Well I think I can do that. I believe I've played that role before to some critical acclaim.

Aha ha ha (laugh)

All right, lets go.

All right (picks up his sports bag)

Yep yep yep.

What's with him?

Y'know a lot of people have asked that...

Roy!

*Elaine*! What a *surprise*. (sitting up)

(gasp) Oh, my *God*! I hardly recognize you! You look so...

Yeah, ya know, I've lost some weight...

A *lot* of weight. (enthusiastically)

I know.

Aha hu, You look *terrific*.

Thank you. So do you.

Ah hahaha hhuu ha (flirty laughing)

Ah, This is... uh... you *really* lost weight.

Thank you.

Jerry, uh, I'm the boyfriend. (puts his arm around Elaine's shoulder, but she shrugs it off twice)

Doctor Wittenberg, Outside call. Doctor Wittenberg, Outside call.

AHAaaaaaaaaa! (scream)

(a bit startled) Ahh.

Doctor Wittenberg, Outside call.

Ah, the mother lode! (the door squeaks a bit as he pushes it open)

I can't believe it! You were *huge*! Like blubber! I couldn't even get my arms around you...

Yesss, I remember.

Ahahaha. Well that's the positive thing about getting sick, you get to lose weight.

Elaine, it wasn't the illness. It was you.

Me?

(quietly- yeah) After you stopped seeing me, I was devastated. I couldn't eat for weeks.

*Get* *out*!

Really, it's the truth.

Jerry, did you hear this? He couldn't eat for weeks...

That's terrible...

I had no idea I had that kind of effect on you.

You did.

You know I can't get this *damn thing* to sleep. (about the Yo-Yo)

Now listen Roy, tell me something. When, are you gettin' out of here?

Next Thursday.

Okay, I'll tell you what. How about on Friday I take you out for a *big* meal because *you* are getting *too* thin...

Honey... Aren't we going to the Poconos next Friday?

No that's the week after.

No, I believe it's next week.

You're wrong.

No I'm not...

Shut up...

Pay dirt! (holding up the hand full of gloves. He looks behind himself as the door closes)

Uh Roy, this is uh Kramer -- he's one of our friends.

Oh, How do you do?

Yeah... I do great, yeah.

Hi Roy.

Oh, hey Dr. Siegel.

Hey Doc, check this out. [does an around-the-world with the Yo-Yo]

Heey.

I *just* learned that. (proudly holding the Yo-Yo)

A-hu. (The doctor is at a loss)

I just wanted to stop by -- see if you had any questions about tomorrow's operation.

Ah, Yeah Yeah, I have a - I have a question, um -- What do you know about inter-abdominal retractors?

Are you asking because you saw "20/20" last night?

I sure am.

Well that report was about *one* very specific type of retractor and I can assure you we do not use that retractor in your friend's procedure.

But you *will* use... a retractor.

We have to...

Mmm-hmm... (turns and walks away, makes a face, raises his eyebrows, nodding his head, then turns back to the group.)

Tell you what. You're obviously concerned about your friend's welfare. A few of my students will be observing tomorrow's operation from the viewing gallery. How would you like to watch it with them?

I'd love to watch the operation, yeah!

I dunno...

Oh, come on Jerry. You gotta see the operation. They're gonna cut him open -- His guts'll be all over the place...

Yeah, that's true...

...They'll saw through bone. Uuuuuuuing yutyutyutyutn naannnaaa [makes saw noises while gesturing over Roy's chest] You'll see what's *inside* bone...

Ttu (wipes nose and sniffs) Ttu.

Hey.

Hi...

What are doing, you crying??

No... (takes off his glasses and wipes his eyes with his sleeve)

You crying from "Home Alone"??

The old man got to me.

Alright, just get yourself together... I dunno if I can be friends with you anymore after this display.

Oh Shut up! What are you doing back so soon, anyway? (puts the tape back in it's case.)

Oh, I never even got to the gym. Kramer got the gloves, wanted to come home and start working on his floor.

Oh. How's the guy?

Oh, he's okay. In fact him and Elaine are getting ah, pretty chummy. Now Elaine wants me to buy some of his art. (opens the fridge and gets a bottle of water.)

Hnh. That's nerve...

Yeah, so she and "Triangle Boy" can go out to fancy restaurants. (takes a sip of water)

Y'know what it is? It's "Clara Nightingale Syndrome." He falls ill; she falls in love.

You mean Florence Nightingale. **

see short bio at end of script **

What'd I say? Clara?

Yeah, you must have meant Clara Barton. **

see short bio at end of script **

Clara Barton? What did she do?

I'm not sure, but I think she was nice. (takes a sip of water)

Susan B. Anthony** I think I'd have a problem with.

see short bio at end of script **

Yeah, I think you would.

So, you gonna buy his art?

No. Why don't you buy it? You got 1,900 dollars.

Yeah, that's what I want-- triangles. Alright, I'm outta here. Have fun with what's-her-name.

I will.

Y'know, now you gotta ask her her name. It's so embarrassing.

No, it isn't. I can find out.

Yeah? How?

There are ways.

Y'know I remember when I was a kid growin up, kids would make fun of my name like you wouldn't believe-- "Jerry Jerry Dingleberry", and-hu "Seinsmelled"...

"Seinsmelled"?

Yeah. a-hu. What about you? Did people make fun of your name?

Are you kidding? They were merciless! What do you expect when your name rhymes with a part of the female anatomy?

(con't) Of course, not everybody can be as sweet as you are.

Oh, oh Jerry...

Oh... *you*...

Now let's try "breast"... Celeste... Kest...

No.

Rest... Sest... Hest...

"Hest"? That's not a name.

What, you should've just asked her.

I know, I should've asked her.

What're you gonna do now?

I dunno. I can't ask her now; I've already made out with her. Once you make out with a woman, you can't ask her her name.

Aretha! (points finger at Jerry)

No...

Bovary! (points finger again at Jerry)

Alright, that's enough. (sips coffee)

Alright, well you know what'cha gotta do, you gotta go through her purse. Y'know, the-the credit cards, driver's license...

How am I gonna do that?

When she goes to the bathroom.

Ah, (smacks hands) there you are. My date stood me up. Listen, will you guys go to the operation with me?

You asked a date to go to the operation?

Yeah... So c'mon, (smacks hands and rubs them together) what d'you say?

What kind of operation is it?

Spleenectomy.

Isn't that where they remove the--

No No, Don't ruin it for me, I haven't seen it yet! Ah-C'mon, what d'you say?

Mulva! (again pointing finger at Jerry -- Kramer watches the exchange back and forth)

Mulva? (waves off George with his hand)

C'mon, C'mon. You wanna go? (pats Jerry a couple times on the shoulder quietly) C'mon. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Alright, alright. Just let me finish my coffee... then we'll watch 'em go slice this fat bastard up. (sips coffee)

Now we'll open the peritoneal cavity, exposing the body's internal organs. Nurse-- retractor.

What are you eating?

Junior Mints. Do you want one?

No...

Now, I can't see..... Psst.... Psst...

... Cou, ye, ge...

Y-ea (pours a few more Junior Mints into his hand and eats them)

Where'd you get those?

The machine. You want one?

No.

Here, take one.

I don't want one.

No, they're good! Take one..

I don't want any!

Just take one.

No! Stop it! Kramer, stop it!

"Bingo" -- with a small "splat" sound -- falls into Roy, the patient. The surgical team looks around puzzled as to what just happened -- but they continue on with the operation)

(pointing at the operation he mouths the words) Did it go in?

Ge--

...Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing *into* the patient!

What do you mean "into the patient"?

Into the patient, *literally*!

Into the hole?

Yes, the hole!

Didn't they notice it?

No!

How could they not notice it?!?

Because it's a little mint. It's a *Junior* Mint.

W-ca-What did they do?

They sealed him up with the mint inside.

They *left* the Junior Mint *in* him?

Yes!

I-I guess it can't hurt him... People eat *pounds* of those things.

Yes they *eat* them. They don't put them next to vital organs in their abdominal cavity!

Yeah.

It's me.

Come on up.

Hey. This wallpaper is *very* good. My place looks like a ski lodge!

Why did you force that mint on me? I told ya I didn't want the mint!

Well, I didn't believe you.

How could you not believe me?!?

Well who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint-- it's *delicious*!

That's true.

It's very refreshing!

Well, just don't say anything about this to Elaine...

Prognosis... negative.

Prognosis *negative*!?

He's not doing well, the doctors don't know what it is. They're baffled.

Oh, my God...

Just my luck, y'know... just when he's getting thin and attractive. Y'know Jerry, you should buy some of his art. That would really lift his spirits.

It's that bleak? (pours a glass of milk)

Mmm... (Elaine goes to the bathroom)

Y'know if the guy dies, the art could really be worth something...

We gotta confess.

Really?

Yes!

We could be tried for murder...

I can't have this on my conscience. We're like Leopold and Loeb! **

see short bio at end of script **

You're not gonna say anything, you got that?

I'm telling and you can't stop me!

You're *not*!!!

Hey Elaine? Put me down for some of that art. 1,900 dollars worth.

Oh yeah, that's the spot...

What're you so tense about?

Oh, nothing really, just a homicide. [She finds the right spot on his back] Oh that's terrific... Mulva.

What?

Mulva?

Mulva?

Oh my eh, my Aunt's name is Mulva. She's-she's a masseuse.

huh.

Yeah.

Um, I'm going to the bathroom. I'll be right back.

Oh, good idea...

What are you doing?

Oh, I was just looking for er, some... gum or... mint.

Oh, I have Junior Mints.

No! [throws her purse back at her] No, I mean, no thank you, nah...

Any news?

[whispering] No, no news. You better get out of here.

Oh.

Oh No, wait a second... Wait a second... I-I don't know the name of this woman in the bathroom, so when she comes out, you introduce yourself and then she'll be forced to say her name.

10-4.

O.K. (closes the apartment door)

Oh, hello.

Hello, I'm Kramer.

Nice to meet you.

See you later. (He promptly turns and leaves)

Well, I better get going. I don't want to be late for the play. (Grabs her coat.)

Oh, okay.

Y'know my cousin knows the producer. I may get to go backstage and meet Olympia Dukakis.

Oh, Hey, there's a name you don't forget.

Mm. Bye Jerry.

Bye.

Oh, hi.

Oh, Hi, I'm George. (they shake hands)

Oh, Nice to meet you, George.

Yeahaha, I gave it a shot (pats Jerry on the arm)... So, any word on the "artiste"? (puts a video in the VCR)

No, I haven't heard anything.

Hehe. Well, I got my triangles. (sitting on the couch)

Really...

Yup, y'know, they really spruce up the apartment.

Yeah, I'm sure...

Well, I-I gotta call the Hospital. I gotta tell 'em what happened.

No-no Jerry. I wouldn't do that.

Why?

Ehh, You could get in trouble.

Look, I gotta try and help the guy.

Who are you to play God!? Every man's time comes! If his number is up, who are you to interfere!?

Yes I'd like to speak with Dr. Siegel... it's about Roy Kordic's condition...

W-What? What?

Oh, that's *fantastic*!

He didn't get better, did he?

Thank you very much. O.K. Bye-bye. He's gonna be okay!

Where's the luck? There's no luck. 1,900 dollars down the drain.

You saved my life, George. You buying my art is what inspired me to get better. I'll never forget what'cha did for me.

Oh, well th-that's great. It's really great. Hm hm mm.

Y'know, art's a great investment.

And they're gonna look great in your apartment, George.

Yes I look forward to many years of... looking at the triangles. Well, I'll ah, I'll wait for you outside.

Hey, George...

Yeah.

Awe, alright

That's nice.

Thanks Roy.

Heeyy - there's the guy who saved my life. (points at the doctor.)

Y'know... I don't want to totally discount the emotional element in your recovery but, I think there were other factors at play here.

What do you mean?

I have no medical evidence to back me up but, something happened during the operation that staved off that infection. Something beyond science. Something perhaps, from above...

Mint?

Those can be very refreshing.

So Elaine... Where are we going for our big dinner on Friday? (takes a big mouthful of spaghetti)

Uh-m, uh I'm so sorry Roy, but actually, we are going to the, Poconos on Friday, right honey? (pointing to Jerrythe boyfriend?)

I don't think so...

We are... that means that we ah, we are...

I believe we're not...

(Catching another glimpse of Roy eating) Hunh, Please can we go to the Poconos?

Well, I'll think about it...

Great seats. You could see the actors spitting.

Really...

Uh-huh. And afterwards we went backstage and Olympia Dukakis autographed my playbill.

Oh, Wait a second, you got her autograph?

Yeah.

Do you have it with you?

Yeah, it's in my purse.

Ah, Le'me see. (hands Jerry the playbill)

Y'know I really think I'm falling for you, Jerry Seinfeld. (stands up, a quick kiss on the cheek and hugs him.)

Oh, well, I really think I'm falling for you... [opens the playbill and flips five pages till he finds and reads autograph] .....Joseph Puglia...

I had it autographed for my uncle.

Yeah, I-I know...

(licks he lips) You don't know my name, do you?

Yes I do.

What is it?

It-it rhymes with a female body part.

What is it?

Mulva...

Aub, ah, Gipple?

Loleola?

Oh! Oh! *Delores*!

Ages zero through ten, candy is your life. There's nothing else. Family, friends, school-- they're only obstacles in the way of getting more candy. And you have your favorite candies that you love. You know the ones I love those... I hate those...''. ``I hate those... I love those...''. And only a seven year old kid could actually taste the difference between like a red M&M and a light brown, M&M. That's two totally different things when you're seven years old. "Well, your red is more of a main course M&M, but the brown it's more of a mellower flavor; it's an after dinner M&M, really''.