The Movie

The show has been delayed

You don't understand. I got this all timed out. I got another spot across town at 9:50, I'm not gonna be able to make it!

I hear you, guy.

And I'm doin' Letterman Monday. You know, I gotta work out the material!

Buckles. The manager assures Jerry that Buckles isn't on the menu. He just hangs around hoping that somebody drops out

Why don't you come back and do the 11 o'clock spot?

No, I'm supposed to meet my friends to see this movie ``CheckMate'' at 10:30.

Hey, Jer!

[not losing a step] Heeeeyyyyyyyy..... [and out the door]

Excuse me, do you have a ticket?

No.

Okay. Good.

When Jerry shows up at the other comedy place, the manager tells him his spot was for 9:15, not 9:50. The manager had no choice but to give Jerry's spot to..

Jerry!

What are doing here?

Hey, do you think this is funny? ``Why do they call it athlete's foot? You don't have to be an athlete to get it. I mean, my father gets it all the time, and believe me, he's no athlete!''

I've been *dying* to see ``CheckMate''.

Well, if it's as good as ``Ponce de Leon'', I'll be happy.

``Ponce de Leon'', are you kidding me? I hated that movie!

``Ponce de Leon''? But that was great!

Oh, . That Fountain of Youth scene at the end, where they're all splashin' around, and then they go running over to the mirror to see if it really worked? I mean, come on! [laughing too hard to continue] That's stupid!

Lemme tell you sum'in. When Ponce looked in that mirror and saw that he hadn't changed, and that tear started to roll down his cheek? ... I lost it.

Kramer joins George and Elaine after looking for them at the Paradise Twin around the corner. Elaine hates the Paradise because it's a multiplex; she'd rather see a movie on a big screen. Something catches Kramer's eye

Listen, I'm gonna get a hot dog at Payapa King.

No, wait!

You're not going to get back here in time!

I'm starvin', I haven't had any dinner!

You can get a hot dog in the theater.

I don't wanna get a movie hot dog! [in tears] I want a Papaya King hot dog!

Kramer, Jerry is going to be here any second, and then this line is going to start moving, and we're going to end up in the front row.

Well, just save me a seat.

No! I don't want to save seats. Don't put me through that! I once had the fleece just ripped out of my winter coat in a seat-saving incident!

I'm in line to buy.

No, George, this is the ticket- line.

No it's not, it's the ticket- line.

Then how come we're not moving?

Good question.

Is this the ticket holders line, or the buyers?

Holders.

But I asked you before if you had a ticket, and you said no!

I didn't. My friend was getting it.

[furious] Good. It's good to be accurate like that.

Can you believe him?

He's spaced out.

How long would *you* have stood in the ticket-holders line?

[thinks for a while]

[gives up] Yeah, exactly...

I don't wanna go to a... miniplex multi-theater!

It's the same movie! What's the difference?

It's not a theater, it's like a room where they bring in POWs to show them propaganda films.

[to taxi driver] Take the Park!

No no no, take 55th.

Jerry, I want you to do me a favor. No more fish!

[rubbing his eyes hoping the nightmare will end] Okay, I get your point!

I had a point?

Hey, you know what else is playing here? ``Rochelle Rochelle''.

Sigh/Ugh.

I wouldn't mind seein' .

Yeah. You know, men can sit through the most boring movie if there's even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.

So what's your point?

By the way, you owe me seven fifty.

Oh, all right. Can you break a twenty?

No, I don't have any change.

Oh, well, then I'll pay you later.

Or, I could take the twenty, then I could pay *you* later.

Yeah, you *could*...

Might be easier.

I mean, how is that easier? I mean, then you would owe me twelve fifty instead of me owing you seven fifty.

[trying to act as if he doesn't care one way or the other, but we know better] Either way.

Yeah.

So... Can I have it?

I tell you what, I'll get the popcorn and the soda.

Whaddya mean, you'll ``get'' the popcorn and the soda?

I will buy your popcorn and soda. We'll call it even.

I tell you what, you give me the twenty, and I will buy *you* a popcorn and soda, and I'll throw in a bon-bons.

[exasperated] George, you're sappin' my strength.

You go in and save seats.

[in a panic] Me!? But that's three seats! I can't save three seats! I told you about that guy who tore up my winter coat!

Jerry, I want you to have this piece of material.

That's very nice of you, but I can't do the voices.

Jerry! Don't start up with me!

I gotta get out of this cab...

But Jerry, quit riffing!

No, I'm not riffing. I'm ignoring! Do you understand the difference?

[pause] Can you help me get on The Tonight Show?

No, these are saved.

All of them? C'mon, you can't take *four* seats.

What, is that a rule?

Well, why don't *you* go, and I could save the seats. You said you didn't like saving anyway.

[stopping someone from sitting in the seat next to her] No, *TAKEN*, Taken, taken. [to George] [shrugs] I'm getting the hang of it.

Why don't you give me the twenty, and I'll stop and get change, and then you and I can... uh... you-know, settle.

Can we do this later, George?

Psh. What's the point of even discussing it? [condescendingly takes her hand and pats it] You'll give me the money when you have it. [takes two steps, then reconsiders, then re-reconsiders] I, I trust you.

Could you do me a favor? If you see a guy that's five foot eleven, he's got uh a big head and flared nostrils, tell him his friend's going to be right back, okay?

No, I'm sorry, these are taken. ... They're in the lobby buying popcorn. ... What are you doing? These are taken, these are taken!

Which one?

These two and this one. ... No! Don't come over here! These are taken. Go! Go! These are taken! They're taken! THEY'RE TAKEN!!!

Oh, take 'em.

Um, excuse me, have you see a guy with like a horse face, big teeth, and a, and a pointed nose?

... flared nostrils?

Yeah.

Nope, haven't seen him.

Jerry, could you do me a personal favor? And if I'm out of line, *please*, let me know. Could I keep my trench coat in your closet for a few months?

Your trench coat in my closet?

Jerry, my closet is packed to the gills, I'm afraid to open the door. Just for a few months. It'll make all the difference in the world.

We should see ``Rochelle Rochelle''. I hear it's really hot.

No thanks, maybe some other time.

Really? Do you really mean that?

No, I don't.

You liked the athlete's foot bit, right?

No. No. I was kidding. It's terrible.

Hi, I got some friends inside, I gotta get a message to 'em. Mind if I walk through real quick?

[indicates ``okay'']

Hey, did that guy show up?

The guy with the... horse face... and the big teeth...

No, the guy with the big head and the flared nostrils.

Haven't seen him. There was a short guy with glasses... Looked like Humpty-Dumpty with a melon hat. But he left.

So I got home, and he was vacuuming! I mean, he's twelve years old! Who else but my Alan would do something like that?

And then last night, he put on my high heels. Oh, he put on such a show for us! He was dancing around, lip-sync'ing to ``A Chorus Line'', I mean you can see he's got talent.

[annoyed] Excuse me, excuse me.

What's the problem?

[momentarily shocked, as if the answer were self-evident] You're talking.

It's the ``Coming Attractions''.

So anyway, he sings, he dances. And do you know what he's gotten into now? He is cooking! He does a crepe...

Ticket, sir?

Uh, I just went out, I went to look for my friend?

Do you have your stub?

[as if the word were totally foreign] My `stub'?

Mm hm.

You don't remember me?

It's a big city, sir.

I went in with a pretty woman? You know, kinda short, big wall o' hair, face like a frying pan?

[whispering] Elaine? [loud whisper] Elaine! [louder whisper] Elaine!

[quite out loud, not even pretending to whisper] Elaine!

The Village Voice calls it a masterpiece. A young woman's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk.

It's a story about life. And love. And becoming a woman. ``Rochelle Rochelle'', now playing at Paradise 2.

Uh, could I have a medium Diet Coke?

Do you want the Medium size or the middle size?

What's the difference?

Well, we have three sizes. Medium, Large, and Jumbo.

[momentarily perplexed] What happened to the small?

There is no small. Small is Medium.

What's... medium?

Medium is Large, and large is Jumbo.

Oh-kay. Gimme the large.

That's medium.

Right. Yeah. [fearing the answer] Could I have a small popcorn?

There is no small. [flash of perky inspiration] Child-size is small.

What's `medium'?

Adult.

Do adults ever order the child-size?

[chuckling] Not usually.

[laughs appreciably] Okay, gimme the `adult'.

Do you want butter?

Is it *real* butter?

[perkily] It's butter-*flavored*!

[exasperated] What is it made of?

[perkily] It's yellow!

44th and 9th.

Have you got a cigarette?

No.

Ticket, sir?

We've just been through this! You don't remember? We just had this exact same conversation a minute ago!

I need to see your stub.

[realizing the only way out is to show the stub] I've got the stub.

There you go, okay? That's my *other* friend's ticket. You happy now? You got two tickets.

Ticket, sir?

Uh, no, see, my friend already bought me a ticket. I'm late, and she's inside.

Go ahead.

Is that seat taken?

It's all yours.

I'm very sorry, you give me few minutes. I have to stop for gasoline.

Gasoline? Can't you get it after you drop me off?

[taken aback] No! Impossible! It is on `Empty'!

You're soaking wet. Who are you?

My name is Rochelle, I'm from Milan. I'm supposed to visit my relatives in Minsk.

Here, stand by the fire. Take off those wet clothes, you'll catch cold.

Oh, my hand's so cold, I can barely get these buttons open.

Oh, that's much better. Much...

I just went to get popcorn... Ugh... [shakes more popcorn] I just went to get popcorn, okay? And and and somebody took my seat, and my coat is in there!

There's a seat in the front row.

No no, I can't sit in the front row.

Well, you're going to have to wait, then.

I can't stand around here for *two hours*!

I could let you see ``Rochelle Rochelle''.

[heavy sarcasm] Oh. Thanks.

Oh, hey, listen, by the way, have you seen a tall... lanky... doofus, with a, with a bird-face and hair like the Bride of Frankenstein?

Haven't seen him.

He's sitting on a coat

Hey, did I make it?

Sorry.

Oh, great. That's great. What a night.

Pat Buckles, ladies and gentlemen. Another round of applause for Pat Buckles!

You got my spot?

That athlete's foot bit killed!

Really...

Do you think I need to lose some weight?

Weight? Naw. Just need some more height.

My whole night's ruined. I didn't do any sets, didn't do any movies...

Come on, we can still catch most of ``Rochelle Rochelle''.

``Rochelle Rochelle'', huh?

A young girl's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk.

[his interest piqued] Minsk?

Oh, gimme a break!

Elaine?

Jerry!

Elaine!

[whispered] Shut up.

Jerry?

George?

Elaine?

George! [waves hi]

Hey, where's Kramer?

[whispered] Will you shut up?

I don't know. Does this movie stink or what!

Let's get outta here. [to Buckles] I'll see ya.

You're leaving?

Yeah.

[holding out his coat] Jerry, take the coat. Please. One month.

I don't want the coat.

Jerry! Call me when you get home so I know you're okay!

[studying his jacket] Oh man! Look at this! I sat in gum. Oh, by the way, you owe me seven fifty.

I didn't even use the ticket!

I still paid for it!

I only have a twenty.

That's my coat! Gimme that. Where did you get that?

It was on the seat...

*YOU* took my seat!?

You uh owe me for the ticket.

Yeah, right...

What is that stain [on my coat]?

It's yellow mustard. [To George] Can you break a twenty?

``Oh, you mean that was the same guy from the ... Ohhhhhhhhhh...'' Nobody will explain it to you. When you're in the theater, you can't find out. [whispering to imaginary friends seated around him] ``Why did they kill that guy?... Why did they kill him?... Who was that guy? What was the... I thought he was with them? Wasn't he with them? Why would they kill him if he was with them? Oh, he wasn't *really* with them.... I thought he was with them. It's a good thing they killed him.''