Full screenplay script transcript for Seinfeld S04E02: The Trip (Part 2)
27 Scenes284 Lines
Scene 1
Opening Scene
2 lines
1 ContributorThe Trip (Part 2) LyricsEpisode 42 – The Trip (2)… Read More OPENING MONOLOGUE
There are many different job in the police. It seems to me, that the chalk outline guy is one of the better jobs that you can get. You know it's not dangerous, the criminals are long gone, that seems like a good one. I don't know who they are, I guess they're people who wanted to be a sketch artists, but they couldn't draw too well..."listen Johnson, forget the sketches. Do you think if we left a dead body right there on the sidewalk, you could manage to trace around it? Could you do that?". I don't even know how it helps to solve the crime? You know, they look at the thing on the ground..."aah his arm was like that when he hit the pavement. That means the killer must've been Jim."
Scene 2
Opening Scene
21 lines
GEORGE AND JERRY ARE IN A CAR. GEORGE IS GRABBING JERRY'S ARM
George
He's on the lamb(?), he's on the loose!
Jerry
Would you let go of my arm?! I'm trying to drive, you're getting us both killed!
George
What are we supposed to do? What do you do on a situation like this? Should we call a lawyer, should we call the police?
Jerry
Obviously we're gonna call the police and tell that he's not the guy.
George
Hope he's not the guy.
Jerry
Couldn't be the guy...nah.
George
God, I'm starved, I'm weak from hunger.
Jerry
How can you think of food at the time like this?
George
Time like what? I'm hungry. My stomach doesn't know that Kramer's wanted.
Jerry
I told you to have breakfast, you should've had breakfast!
George
I couldn't have breakfast, it was lunchtime! The three hour time difference threw me. I wanted a tuna fish sandwich, they wouldn't serve me tuna fish sandwich, because they were only serving breakfast.
Jerry
You should've had some eggs.
George
For lunch? Who eats eggs for lunch?
Jerry
Have you ever heard of egg salad?
George
Why didn't you say something then?
Jerry
I've gotta to tell you about existence of egg salad?
George
I need food, Jerry. I feel faint, I'm getting light headed.
Jerry
I've gotta call the police, there's a pay phone over there.
George
Pay phone in L.A., look it's a miracle.
CUT TO KRAMER SINGING IN A SHOWER FOLLOWED BY A FALLING SOUND
Scene 3
Back to George and Jerry on the Street
58 lines
Jerry
I don't have any change. You've got any change?
George
No, I don't have any change. I never carry change.
Jerry
Well, we need change and all I have is twenties.
George
I have a ten.
Jerry
So, break it.
George
I hate asking for change. They always make a face. Like I'm asking them to donate a kidney.
Jerry
So, buy something.
George
What?
Jerry
I don't know, some mints or TicTacs.
George
Breath problem?
Jerry
No, I just want some change.
George
Tell me.
Jerry
Your breath is fine. It's delightful, it's delicious.
George
You know, I haven't eaten anything.
Jerry
I just wanna call the police!
George
Why don't you just call 911?
Jerry
But is this an emergency?
George
Of course it is.
Jerry
How is this an emergency?
George
Your friend is been accused of being a serial killer. I think that qualifies.
Jerry
All right, I'll call 911. Think he did it? Could've he done it? Couldn't done it? How could've he done it? Couldn't be? Could it? Hello 911? How are you? I'm sorry it was just a reflex...I know it's an emergency number...it is an emergency...my friend is being accused of being a smog strangler and I know he didn't do it...they're putting me trough to the detective in charge of the investigation...what is my name? Who am I? I'm eh...George Costanza...
George
What's the matter with you? Are you crazy? Why are you using my name?!
Jerry
Oh, don't be a baby! What are you scared of?
George
What am I scared of? I'm scared of the same thing that you are, everything! Why don't you just use your own name?
Jerry
Your name is a good name, Costanza. Sounds like it's stands for something, they'll believe us.
George
Really?
Jerry
Sure.
George
You think so?
Jerry
Oh yeah. Yes I have some very important information regarding the smog strangler. (George leans close) would you suck a mint or something. Can I come right now? I suppose, where are you located? Where is that? I don't know where we are. Where are we?
George
I don't know.
Jerry
We don't know. He says ask somebody, ask that guy.
George
Excuse me, where are we?
Man
Earth.
Jerry
Hey, you know I'm on the phone with the police! Some guy just gave me a wise answer. Ask that woman.
George
Excuse me Ms. which street are we on?
Woman
I don't know.
George
You don't know?
Woman
I don't know.
George
How come you don't know what street are you on?
Woman
You don't know.
Jerry
George, it says it here on the phone. It's 12145 Ventura Boulevard. Aha, ok...do we know where the 101 is? (George shakes his head) No...do we know where 170 is? (George shakes his head) No...do we know where 134 is? (George just looks at Jerry) No. Aha, ok. (Jerry hangs up) He's gonna send a black and white to pick us up.
Police car rolls by the sidewalk and stops. The police listens their conversation.
George
Black and white?
Jerry
A cop car.
George
Why didn't you just say that?
Jerry
I thought it sounded kind of cool.
George
Oh yeah, real cool. You're a cool guy.
Jerry
Oh, you are? I guaranty you, Lupe is going to tuck your covers in.
George
I'll bet you, how much?
Jerry
Her tip.
George
You've got a bet.
Jerry
Ok.
George
How much do you tip a chamber maid?
Police
Which one of you is Costanza?
Jerry and George point at each other.
Police
Get in.
George
Hi, how are you guys? Listen, does either one of you have like a mint or piece of gum or...
KRAMER IS SHAVING. HE SNEEZES AND GETS SHAVING CREAM ON THE MIRROR
Scene 4
Back to the Police Car with Jerry, George and Two Cops
1 lines
George
Jerry, would you do me a favor, close the window.
Scene 5
Jerry Searches for the Handle, But Can't Find One
16 lines
Jerry
Hey, get out of here...hey officer, he's fooling around back here.
Cop
Cut it up back there.
George
He started it.
Jerry
I did not. You guys gonna go through some red lights?
Cop
I don't think so.
Jerry
But you could?
Cop
Oh yeah, of course we could. We can do anything we want.
Cop 2
We could drive on the wrong side of the road.
Cop
Yeah, we do that all the time. You should see the looks on people's faces.
Cop 2
Shoot people...
George
You guys ever shot anybody?
Cops
No...
George
Hey, can I flip on the siren?
Jerry
Why are you bothering them for?
George
I'm just asking, all they have to do is say no.
Cop
Yeah, go ahead.
Scene 6
George Tries the Siren
3 lines
George
Wohoo, check it out.
Jerry
Can I try it?
Cop
Yeah, go ahead, hurry up.
Scene 7
Jerry Tries the Siren
5 lines
Jerry
Scared the hell out of that guy.
George
You know what I never understood? Why did they change the siren noise? When I was a kid it was always "waaaa, waaaa", you know now it "woo-woo-woo-woo-woo". Why did they do that, did they do some research? Did they find that woo-woo was more effective than waa?
Jerry
Yeah, what about those English sirens, you know...eee-aaa-eee-aaa-eee-aaa...
Jerry And George
Eee-aaa-eee-aaa-eee-aaa...
Cop
Hey!
Scene 8
Kramer Is Combing His Hair. Trying to Get the Comb Through.
1 lines
Kramer
I'm dizzy.
Scene 9
Back to the Police Car
28 lines
Jerry
Nice shotgun.
Cop
Thanks.
Jerry
Clean as a whistle.
George
You could eat of that shotgun.
Jerry
What is that, a 12 gauge?
Cop
Yeah.
Jerry
12 gauge. Seems to be the most popular gauge.
George
My favorite.
Jerry
Mine too, love the 12 gauge.
George
Makes the 11 gauge look like a cap pistol.
Cop
What do got over there?
Cop 2
I don't know.
Cop
Looks like a possible 5-19.
Jerry
5-19? What's a 5-19?
George
Where?
Cop 2
Think so?
Cop
Looks like it.
Jerry
I can't believe this. A 5-19?
George
Where, where? I can't see.
Cop
This is car 23, we have a possible 5-19 in progress, over.
Cop 2
All right, let's pull over and check it out.
Jerry
Pull over? You can't pull over.
George
What are you doing? Where do you think you're going?
Jerry
Pull over? The lieutenant is waiting to see us.
George
Hey hey hey, we're in a rush here.
Jerry
We have an appointment!
George
What are you doing?!
Jerry
Great.
Scene 10
Cops Go to Arrest a Guy for Trying to Steal a Car
12 lines
George
There's a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies up there.
Jerry
Which flavor?
George
Milano.
Jerry
Cops eating Milanos. What crazy town is this?
George
Should I take some?
Jerry
I think that's a 5-19.
George
I'm starving...
GEORGE REACHES FOR THE COOKIES AND THE COPS SLAM A GUY ON THE HOOD AND GEORGE BACKS AWAY
Jerry
They're busting this guy.
George
They're cuffing him.
Jerry
I can't believe this.
GEORGE GET CLOSER TO JERRY AND THEY THROW THE GUY NEXT TO GEORGE
Scene 11
Middle Monologue
1 lines
I can't believe that cops still have to read that whole "you have the right to remain silence"-speech to every criminal they arrest. I mean is there anybody who doesn't know that by now? Can't they just go "Freeze, you're under arrest. You've ever seen Baretta? Yeah, good, get in the car."
Scene 12
Back to Police Car
3 lines
George
Hi.
Jerry
Hi, I'm Jerry.
George
George, how you doing?
Scene 13
George Offers His Hand, But the Guy Is in Cuffs
32 lines
Guy
What did you do?
George
Nothing.
Jerry
Nothing.
Guy
Oh yeah right, me neither. Hey I didn't do nothing!
Cop
Shut up.
Jerry
Hot out.
Guy
Brutal.
George
What do you tip a chamber maid.
Guy
I don't know, five bucks a night.
Jerry
No, a dollar, two tops.
Guy
Hey, you guys aren't cuffed. What are you, narks?
George
Narks?
Jerry
Imagine, us narks?
George
No no no, you know actually we are friends of a serial killer.
Guy
Really? Well, that's very nice.
George
Oh, thank you.
Jerry
Suspected serial killer, he didn't actually do it.
George
Yeah well, we don't think.
Jerry
We're pretty sure.
Guy
A dollar a night?
Jerry
Yeah, that's a good tip!
Guy
That stinks!
Jerry
I read it in Ann Landers.
Guy
Oh, Ann Landers sucks!
Cop 2
Hey, shut it up back there.
Police Radio
Attention all units, attention all units, all units code 3. All units in the area, code 3 in progress, 1648 North Bartholis, units required for assistance in apprehension of 702.
Cop
That's smog strangler.
Jerry
Kramer.
Cop 2
Got him. Let's go.
POLICE CAR COMES TO THE SCENE. JERRY OPENS THE BACK DOOR THROUGH THE WINDOW AND THEY GO AFTER THE COPS
Jerry
I wanna see what's happening.
George
I don't know why I'm doing this.
Scene 14
Lt Martel Knocks on a Door and Kramer Opens
3 lines
Kramer
Jerry, George!
Lt. Martel
You are under arrest in first degree murder and death of Ms Chelsea Lang.
THE CAR THIEVE GUY RUNS AWAY FROM THE DOOR THAT JERRY AND GEORGE LEFT OPEN
Scene 15
Kramer Is Rushed Through a Group of Press
2 lines
Reporters
Why did you do it? What possessed you?
Kramer
I don't know...
Scene 16
Jerry and George Are Visiting Kramer
14 lines
Kramer
Hey, how are you doing? Jerry! George!
Jerry
We're doing fine. How are you?
Kramer
What me? Fabulous, just fabulous. I've got a lot of auditions, a lot of call backs and I've got a lot of interest for my movie treatment. I'm in development, I'm in developed vehicles. And there's a lot of energy here, man. You know, the vibe, it's powerful. I'm just swept up at it. Yeah, I'm a player.
George
A player?
Kramer
Yeah, a player...
Jerry
Kramer, do you realize what's going on here? Do you know why you're here?
Kramer
What? What this? I'll be out of here in couple of hours. Hey, guess who I met today? Rick Savage, oh nice kid, really good kid. You know, we're talking about doing a project together.
Jerry
Kramer, you've been arrested as a serial killer!
Kramer
So? I'm innocent! I mean you guys believe that I'm innocent, don't you? Jerry? George?
Jerry
Well, yeah...sure.
Police
Kramer, let's go. The Lieutenant wants to see you.
Kramer
Ok, yeah. All right look, I'll be out of here by noon. Maybe we'll have lunch together, huh?
KRAMER GOES WITH THE POLICE OFFICER, BUT ASKS IF HE COULD SAY JUST ONE MORE THING
Kramer
Help me!! Help me!
Scene 17
Kramer Is Been Interrogated By Lt. Martel
12 lines
Kramer
I didn't kill anyone, I swear! I swear to God!
Lt. Martel
Don't you ever swear to my God, Kramer. My God is the god who protects the innocent and punishes the evil scum like you, have you got that?
Kramer
You're making a big mistake.
Lt. Martel
No! You have made the mistake, Kramer. Sickies like you always do. The only difference is that this time you're gonna pay.
Kramer
What?
Lt. Martel
Now you might beat the gas chamber Kramer, but as long as I have got a breath in my body you will never ever see the light of day again.
Kramer
Wow wow wow wow, you've got the wrong man!! It wasn't me!
Lt. Martel
Oh yeah, right. Maybe it was one of your other personalities huh, the wise guy, the little kid, the bellhop, the ball player, maybe the door to door vacuum cleaner salesman, but not you right? No, you wouldn't hurt a fly. You just couldn't help yourself, could you Kramer? You saw life brimming brightly with optimism and verve and you just had to snuff it out.
Kramer
Ok, can I just talk to somebody? Can I just explain...
Lt. Martel
I'm not interested in your explanations, Kramer! Sure, I bet you've got a million of 'em. Maybe your mother didn't love you enough, maybe the teacher didn't call on you in school when you had your little hand raised, maybe the pervert in the park had a present in his pants, huh? Well, I've got another theory you're a weed.
Kramer
No...
Lt. Martel
Society is filled with them. They're choking the life out of the all pretty flowers.
Scene 18
Kramer Sobs
1 lines
Lt. Martel
You see something even remotely pretty and you have to choke the life out if it, don't you Kramer?
Scene 19
Kramer Cries
1 lines
Lt. Martel
You killed all the pretty flowers, didn't you Kramer? You killed the pretty little flowers, didn't you? You dirty, filthy, stinky weed! Didn't you?
Scene 20
Phone Rings
2 lines
Officer
Lieutenant, it's for you.
Lt. Martel
Martel...yeah...yeah...yeah...yeah.
Scene 21
Kramer Keeps Crying
6 lines
Officer
What it is, Lieutenant?
Lt. Martel
Let him go.
Officer
What, but Lieutenant?
Lt. Martel
You heard me, let him go. They just found another body at the Laurel Canyon. Go on Kramer, get out of my sight.
Kramer
Hey, how did you know about the guy in the park?
Lt. Martel
I said beat it!
Scene 22
Kramer Walks Out
9 lines
Kramer
Hahaa!
George
What?
Jerry
What happened?
Kramer
Somebody got killed while they had me in custody.
Jerry
Really? Did you hear that? Somebody else was killed!
George
You're kidding? Somebody else got killed?
Jerry
While you were in jail. So you're free.
Kramer
Yes, I'm free. (singing) 'cause the murderer struck again!
THEY ALL DANCE A FEW STEPS AND THEN AS A POLICE GOES BY THEY LEAVE QUIETLY
Scene 23
Kramer, Jerry and George at the Hills of L.a.
39 lines
Jerry
So Kramer, what are you going to do?
Kramer
Do? Do? Hey, I'm doing what I do. You know, I've always done what I do. I'm doing what I do, way I've always done and the way I'll always do it.
George
Kramer, what the hell are you talking about?
Kramer
What do you want me to say? That the things haven't worked out the way that I planned? That I'm struggling, barely able to keep my head above water? That L.A. is a cold place even in the middle of the summer? That it's a lonely place even when your stuck in traffic at the Hollywood Freeway? That I'm no better than a screenwriter driving a cab, a starlet turning tricks, a producer in a house he can't afford? Is that what you want me to say?
George
I'd like to hear that.
Jerry
Yeah...
Kramer
Well, I'm not saying that! You know, things are going pretty well for me here. I met a girl...
Jerry
Kramer, she was murdered!
Kramer
Yeah, well I wasn't looking for a long term relationship. I was on TV.
George
As a suspect in a serial killing.
Kramer
Ok, yeah, you guys got to put a negative spin on everything.
George
What did they put on this tuna? Tastes like a dill, I think it's a dill.
Jerry
So you're not gonna come back to New York with us?
Kramer
No no I'm not ready, things are starting to happen.
George
Taste this, is this a dill?
Jerry
No, it's tarragon. Hey Kramer, I'm sorry about that whole fight we had about you having my apartment keys and everything.
Kramer
Ok, it's forgotten.
George
Tarragon? Oh, you're crazy.
Jerry
Well, take it easy.
Kramer
Yeah, ok.
George
Yeah, take care. Stay in touch.
Kramer
Hey hey, whoa come on give me a hug...
Jerry
Oh, no...
George
No, you're crushing my sandwich.
JERRY AND GEORGE AT THE HOTEL. GEORGE IS KICKING THE TUCKED COVERS.
Jerry
Yeah, it's so nice when it happens to you.
BACK TO JERRY'S APARTMENT. GEORGE AND JERRY ARE WATCHING TV.
George
Mint?
Jerry
No thanks.
George
I've got to tell you, I'm really disappointed in Lupe.
Jerry
It's been three days already, forget about Lupe.
George
Do you think she gets to take any of those little bars of soap home?
Jerry
No, I don't.
George
You would think that at the end of the week when they hand out the checks, throw in a few soaps.
Jerry
Yeah, maybe they should throw in a couple of lamps too.
George
I'll tell you something, if I'd own a company, my employees would love me. They'd have huge pictures of me up on the walls and in their home, like Lenin.
Jerry
How much did you wound up tipping her?
George
Oh my God, I forgot!
Jerry
Well, communism didn't work.
Scene 24
Kramer Walks In
1 lines
Kramer
Hey!
Scene 25
Kramer Goes to the Fridge
9 lines
Kramer
Any mustard? This is empty.
Jerry
Yeah, there's a new one in there.
Kramer
No no, I don't like this one. It's too yellow. Any pickles?
Jerry
Help yourself.
Kramer
Yeah, all right.
George
Kramer, what are you doing here?
Kramer
Getting something to eat.
Jerry
Kramer, here!
JERRY THROWS THE APARTMENT KEYS TO KRAMER. KRAMER WALKS OUT AND COMES BACK WITH HIS KEYS. HE THROWS THEM TO THE TABLE KNOCKING JERRY'S SODA.
Scene 26
Action News. Keith Morrison.
1 lines
Newscaster
Authorities exposed today, that the latest suspect in the smog strangling was apprehended this week on an unrelated charge, but somehow managed to escape from the police car, in which he was being held. Tobias Lehigh Nagy, who is also wanted in connection with a series of unrelated slains in the North West is still at large, his whereabouts unknown. He's described as 5'5" bald and reputedly a very generous tipper.
Scene 27
Closing Monologue
1 lines
The thing about L.A. to me, that kind of threw me, was when they have these smog alerts out there and they actually recommend that people stay indoors during the smog alert. Now, maybe I'm way off, but don't you think, wouldn't you assume, that the air in the house pretty much comes from the air in the city where the house is? I mean what do they think, that we live in a jar with couple of holes punched in the top? What the hell is going on out there? It's very strange, do you realize that it's now possible for parents to say to their children "All right kids, I want you in the house and get some fresh air! Summer vacation, everybody indoors."
