“The Contest” (Scene 1)

(To Elaine) Let me ask you a question.

Mm-hm.

You're a hostage, captured by terrorists-

(Smiling, chewing) Who, me?

You, anybody - whatever. You're in the little room, you're chained to the floor, you're there for a long time.. do you think they would ever consider doing the laundry?

(Matter-of-factly) They have to, it's in the Geneva Convention.

(Imitating a Turkish terrorist) You! Take off your socks, your pants, your underwear. We're doing the wash. C'mon! Take it off, take it off!

Hey, Georgie.

Hi.

(To George) What's the matter?

(Slowly shakes his head) My mother caught me.

"Caught" you? Doing what?

You know. (All three give him blank stares) I was alone..

(Making a face of surprise) You mean..?!

(Nods) Uh-huh.

(Laughing) She caught you?

Where?

(Not really wanting to embellish) ..I stopped by the house to drop the car off, and I went inside for a few minutes.. Nobody was there - they're supposed to be working. (Jerry and Elaine look at each other - enjoying the story) My mother had a Glamour magazine, I started leafing through it..

Glamour?

..So, one thing led to another..

So, what did she do?

First she screams, "George, what are you doing?! My God!" And it looked like she was gonna faint - she started clutching the wall, trying to hang onto it.

(Reflecting on the story so far) Man..

I didn't know whether to try and keep her from falling, or zip up.

What did you do?

I zipped up!

(Wide-eyed) So, she fell?

Yeah. (Noticing this makes him out to be the bad kid, he gets defensive) Well, I couldn't run over there the way I was!

No, I guess you couldn't have..

(In the middle of Elaine's sentence, smiling) No, I wouldn't think so.

(Finishing it off) ..done that.

So, she fell, and then she started screaming, "My back! My back!" So, I picked her up and took her to the hospital.

(Between chuckles) How is she?

(Somewhat angered) She's in traction.

(Still laughing) Ok, I'm sorry.

It's not funny, Elaine.

(Stifling her laughter) I know. I'm sorry. I'm serious.

Her back went out. She's gotta be there for a couple of days. All she said on the way over in the car was, "Why, George, why?!".. I said, "Because it's there!"

Glamour?

(Vowing) Well, I'll tell you this, though - I am never doing.. that, again.

What, you mean, in your mother's house, or altogether?

(Definite) Altogether.

Oh, gimme a break..

(Skeptical) Ohhh yeah.. right.

Oh, like you're gonna stop?

C'mon..

You don't think I can?

No chance.

(Daring) You think you could?

Well, I know I could hold out longer than you.

Care to make it interesting?

Sure, how much?

A hundred dollars.

(Pointing) You're on.

(Butting in) Wait a second, wait a second. Count me in on this. (Clicks his tongue)

You?

Yeah.

You'll be out before we get the check.

(Smiling) I want to be in on this, too.

(Rejecting) Ohh, no. No, no, no..

Why?

(Showing difference) It's apples and oranges..

What? Why? (More 'no, no, no's from Jerry and George. Persistent) Why?

Because you're a woman!

So what?

It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man.

(Sarcastic) Oh.

We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle. It's like, uh..shaving.

Oh, that is such baloney. I shave my legs.

(Making a point) Not every day.

Alright, look, you want to be in?

Yeah!

You gotta give us odds. At least two to one - you gotta put up two-hundred dollars.

No, a thousand!

No, I'll - I'll put up one-fifty.

Alright, you're in for one-fifty.

(Nodding) Okay, one-fifty.

Alright, now, how are we gonna monitor this thing?

Well, obviously, we all know each other very well, (Elaine slightly laughs) I'm sure that we'll all feel comfortable within the confines of the honor system.

Alright. (Holds out his pinkie at the center of the table)