The Outing

I don't know about you, but I'm getting sick of pretending to be excited every time it's somebody's birthday, you know what I mean? What is the big deal? How many times do we have to celebrate that someone was born? Every year, over and over... All you did was not die for twelve months. That's all you've done, as far as I can tell. Now those astrology things where they tell you all the people that have the same birthday as you? It's always an odd group of people too, isn't it? It's like Ed Asner, Elijah Muhammed and Secretariat.

I don't want to *live*! I don't want to *live*!

Because of me? You must be joking! Who wouldn't want to live because of me? I'm nothing!

No... You're *something*.

You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me. I'm no good!

You're good. You're *good*!

I'm bad. I'm *bad*!

You're *killing* me!

So what could I do? I couldn't go through with it. She threatened to kill herself.

Over you?

Yes. Why, is that so inconceivable?

I got two tickets to see "Guys And Dolls".

I got him a two-line phone.

Unbelievable! She's not there.

What paper does she write for?

The works for the NYU school newspaper. She's a grad student in journalism. Never been to a comedy club. Never even seen me, has no idea who I am.

Never even seen you? Gotta kinda envy that...

Y'know, you've been developing quite the acid-tongue lately...

[Proudly] Really?

Hey, who do you think is the most unattractive world leader?

Living or all time?

All time.

Well, if it's all time, then there's no contest. It begins and ends with Brezhnev.

I dunno. You ever get a good look at DeGaulle?

Lyndon Johnson was uglier than Degaulle.

I got news for you. Golda Meir could make 'em all run up a tree.

Y'know, just because you two are homosexuals, so what? I mean you should just come out of the closet and be openly gay already.

So, whaddya say? You know you'll always be the only man I'll ever love.

[indignantly] What's the matter with you?

[quietly] C'mon, go along...

I'm not goin' along. I can just see you in Berlin in 1939 goose- stepping past me: "C'mon Jerry, go along, go along..."

Y'know I hear that all the time.

Hear what?

That I'm gay. People think I'm gay.

Yeah, you know people ask me that about you, too.

Yeah, 'cuz I'm single, I'm thin and I'm neat.

And you get along well with women.

I guess that leaves me in the clear...

I just thought of a great name for myself, if I ever become a porno actor.

Oh yeah, what? "Buck Naked"?

Yeah, how did you know that?

You told me that already like two months ago.

Allison bought it for me.

How you gonna get out of *that* one?

I dunno. I guess I have to wait for her to die.

He's gonna hang around if that's alright with you?

Sure, I'd like to talk to him, too.

Jerry did you wash this pear?

Yeah, I washed it.

It looks like it hasn't been washed.

So *wash* *it*.

You hear the way he talks to me?

You should hear how *my* boyfriend talks to me...

Let me ask you something. What do you think of this shirt?

It's nice.

Jerry said he didn't like it.

I didn't say I didn't like it. I said it was O.K...

No, you said you didn't like it...

Oh, so what if I don't like it. Is that like the end of the world, or something?

So how did you two meet?

Actually, we met in the gym locker room.

Yeah. Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs and then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever since.

Do you guys live together?

[quizzically] Live together?

No, I got my own place.

And do your parents know?

Know *what*?

My parents? They don't know *what's* goin' on...

Oh God, you're that girl in the coffee shop that was eavesdropping on us. I *knew* you looked familiar!

There's been a big misunderstanding here! We did that whole thing for your benefit. We knew you were eavesdropping. That's why my friend said all that. It was on purpose! We're not gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that...

No, of course not...

I mean that's fine if that's who you are...

Absolutely...

I mean I have many gay friends...

My *father* is gay...

Look, I know what I heard.

It was a *joke*...

Look, you wanna have sex right now? Do want to have sex with me right now? Let's go! C'mon, let's go baby! C'mon!

Hey, C'mon! Let's go! I thought we were going to take a steam!

No!

No steam!

Well I don't want to sit there naked all by myself!

Happy birthday paruba!

Today's not my birthday.

Well, I beg to differ...

Look at this! A phone! A two-line phone!

Hey, where you going?

I gotta go return something...

Jerry, it's Sharon from NYU. I'm just calling to tell you that I'm not going to play up that angle we talked about and I'm sorry.

Thank you very much, that's great- >click< Oh! Hold on a sec, I got a call on the other line. >click click< Hello?

Hey.

Hey, how ya doin'? Y'know I got that reporter from the newspaper on the other line.

So, what did she say?

She says she's not going to play up that angle of the story. She thinks we're heterosexual. [sarcastically] I guess we *fooled* her. I'll get rid of her, hold on... >click click< Sharon? Hello? Sharon, are you there? >click click< I'm back...

Y'know... I could hear you on the other line...

What are you talkin' about?

I heard what you said: "Sharon, are you there?".

You heard me talkin' on the other line, are you sure?

Yes, I heard you!

Well, maybe she was disconnected.

Maybe she wasn't! Maybe she heard the whole conversation!

Alright, hang on. Let me call Kramer and see if you can hear anything, hold on. >click click click<...

Yello?

Kramer, there may be a problem with the phone, hold on. >click click<

"There may be a problem with the phone, hold on"!

Oh no! >click click< Kramer, this phone's a piece of junk, goodbye!

"The phone's a piece of junk, goodbye"!

Oh no! Now she's heard everything! What are we gonna do?!?

Now she thinks we're gay, not that there's anything wrong with it...

No, no, of course not! People's personal sexual preferences are nobody's business but their own!

Why don't you take a seat?

Thank-you.

Why don't you take your coat off?

So she kept insisting I take off my coat. I refused, and then she forcibly tried to get me to remove it.

She wouldn't take her coat off at my house, either.

Y'know there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war!

So you don't take your coat off, and now everyone at NYU thinks I'm gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Not at all.

Two tickets to "Guys And Dolls"! I'm gonna go with you!

"Guys And Dolls"? Isn't that a lavish, Broadway musical?

It's "Guys And *Dolls*", not "Guys And *Guys*".

"The Collected Works Of Bette Midler".

What do you got there?

_The New York Post_, they've got an article about you.

"Although they maintain separate residences, the comedian and his long-time *companion* seem to be inseparable..." Oh no! The Associated Press picked up the NYU story. That's going to be in every paper! I've been "outed"! I wasn't even "in"!

Now everyone's going to think we're gay!

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

No, not at all...

"Within the confines of his fastidious bachelor *pad*, Seinfeld and Costanza bicker over the cleanliness of a piece of *fruit* like an old married couple--" *I told you that pear was washed*!

I thought we were friends...

Here we go...

I mean, how could you two keep this a secret from me?

It's not true!

Aaaah! Enough lying! The lying is through! C'mon, Jerry, the masquerade is over. You're thin, late thirties, single...

So are you...

Yeah--

Hello?

George?

Mrs. Seinfeld?!?

Oh, my God...

Oh, my God! [takes the phone] Ma?

Jerry?

Ma!

Oh, my God! My *MOTHER*!!!

Jerry?

Ma, it's not true!

It's those damn culottes you made him wear when he was five!

They weren't culottes, they were shorts.

They were culottes! You bought them in the girl's department.

By mistake! By mistake, Jerry! I'm sorry!

It looked like he was wearing a skirt, for crying out loud!

Ma, it has nothing to do with the culottes!

Not that there's anything wrong with that, Jerry.

I open up the paper, and *this* is what I have to read about? I fell right off the toilet. My back went out again, I couldn't move... The super had to come and get help me up. I was half naked!

It's *not* *true*!

Every *day* it's something else with you. I don't know anything about you any more. Who are you? What kind of life are you leading? Who knows *what* you're doing? Maybe you're making porno films.

Yeah. I'm Buck Naked.

Jerry, I can see. He's so neat and thin. Not that there's anything wrong with it.

Of course not...

6:30, Scott. Time for your sponge bath.

Alright, now the play is tomorrow night. So do you want to have dinner first, or do you just want to meet at the theatre?

Excuse me, sir? I don't mean to bother you. I just wanted you to know that it took a lot of guts to come out the way you did, and that you've inspired me to do the same, even though that may mean a discharge from the service. Thanks.

Y'know, I think I'll pass on the "Guys And Dolls"...

No. Just imagine her reaction.

Yeah...

Oh, my God...

What?

She hasn't seen the article! When she sees it, she's gonna think-- *I'm out baby*!! I'm out!!!!!

Yeah? So?

Yeah so??

Well this is nice. They mention your name.

Don't you see what it says here? Don't you understand what that's implying?

No, what?

I'm gay! I'm a gay man! I'm very, very gay.

You're *gay*?

Extraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness.

[matter-of-factly] I don't believe it.

You don't believe me? Ask Jerry.

I will.

What do you mean you will? That's a bad idea. Jerry is a very private person.

[Grabs George's lapels] I want to hear it from *Jerry*...

Oh, can you ever forgive me?

I dunno... [they kiss again] *Alright*, I forgive you...

Y'know the funny thing is, I was attracted to you immediately.

I was attracted to you, too. You remind me of Lois Lane.

Jerry! Oh, my God! What are you doing!?!

What!?

You're with a *woman*!

I know! What are you doin' here?!?

I leave you alone for two seconds, and this is what you do! I trusted you!

[forcibly removing G. from the apt] Would you get the Hell out of here!

What's going on?

Yeah, what's going on?

Alright, tell her. Go ahead.

Tell her what?

Y'know. About *us*.

Alright, I'll tell you the truth. I'm not gay. My name's Buck Naked, I'm a porno actor.

*Really*?

We'll see you later...

He's the *phone* man!

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

I am not gay. I am, however, thin, single and neat. Sometimes when someone is thin, single and neat people assume they are gay because that is a stereotype. They normally don't think of gay people as fat, sloppy and married. Although I'm sure there are, I don't want to perpetuate the stereotype. I'm sure they are the minority though within the gay community. They're probably discriminated against because of that, people say to them "Y'know Joe, I enjoy being gay with you but I think think it's about time, y'know that you got in shape, tucked the shirt in and lost the wife". But if people are even going to assume that people that are neat are gay, maybe instead of doin' this: "Y'know I think Joe might be a little... [waves hand back and forth]", they should vacuum: "Y'know I think Joe might be >vroom< [makes vacuuming motion]. Yeah, I got a feeling he's a little >vrooom<..."