The Contest

MONK'S COFFEE SHOP

(To Elaine) Let me ask you a question.

Mm-hm.

You're a hostage, captured by terrorists-

(Smiling, chewing) Who, me?

You, anybody - whatever. You're in the little room, you're chained to the floor, you're there for a long time.. do you think they would ever consider doing the laundry?

(Matter-of-factly) They have to, it's in the Geneva Convention.

(Imitating a Turkish terrorist) You! Take off your socks, your pants, your underwear. We're doing the wash. C'mon! Take it off, take it off!

Hey, Georgie.

Hi.

(To George) What's the matter?

(Slowly shakes his head) My mother caught me.

"Caught" you? Doing what?

You know. (All three give him blank stares) I was alone..

(Making a face of surprise) You mean..?!

(Nods) Uh-huh.

(Laughing) She caught you?

Where?

(Not really wanting to embellish) ..I stopped by the house to drop the car off, and I went inside for a few minutes.. Nobody was there - they're supposed to be working. (Jerry and Elaine look at each other - enjoying the story) My mother had a Glamour magazine, I started leafing through it..

"Glamour"?

..So, one thing lead to another..

So, what did she do?

First she screams, "George, what are you doing?! My God!" And it looked like she was gonna faint - she started clutching the wall, trying to hang onto it.

(Reflecting on the story so far) Man..

I didn't know whether to try and keep her from falling, or zip up.

What did you do?

I zipped up!

(Wide-eyed) So, she fell?

Yeah. (Noticing this makes him out to be the bad kid, he gets defensive) Well, I couldn't run over there the way I was!

No, I guess you couldn't have..

(In the middle of Elaine's sentence, smiling) No, I wouldn't think so.

(Finishing it off) ..done that.

So, she fell, and then she started screaming, "My back! My back!" So, I picked her up and took her to the hospital.

(Between chuckles) How is she?

(Somewhat angered) She's in traction.

(Still laughing) Ok, I'm sorry.

It's not funny, Elaine.

(Stifling her laughter) I know. I'm sorry. I'm serious.

Her back went out. She's gotta be there for a couple of days. All she said on the way over in the car was, "Why, George, why?!".. I said, "Because it's there!"

"Glamour"?

(Vowing) Well, I'll tell you this, though - I am never doing.. that , again.

What, you mean, in your mother's house, or all together?

(Definite) All together.

Oh, gimme a break..

(Skeptical) Ohhh yeah.. right.

Oh, like you're gonna stop?

C'mon..

You don't think I can?

No chance.

(Daring) You think you could?

Well, I know I could hold out longer than you.

Care to make it interesting?

Sure, how much?

A hundred dollars.

(Pointing) You're on.

(Butting in) Wait a second, wait a second. Count me in on this. (Clicks his tongue)

You?

Yeah.

You'll be out before we get the check.

(Smiling) I want to be in on this, too.

(Rejecting) Ohh, no. No, no, no..

Why?

(Showing difference) It's apples and oranges..

What? Why? (More 'no, no, no's from Jerry and George. Persistent) Why?

Because you're a woman!

So what?

It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man.

(Sarcastic) Oh.

We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle. It's like, uh.. shaving.

Oh, that is such bologna. I shave my legs.

(Making a point) Not everyday.

Alright, look, you want to be in?

Yeah!

You gotta give us odds. At least two to one - you gotta put up two-hundred dollars.

No, a thousand!

No, I'll - I'll put up one-fifty.

Alright, you're in for one-fifty.

(Nodding) Okay, one-fifty.

Alright, now, how are we gonna monitor this thing?

Well, obviously, we all know each other very well, (Elaine slightly laughs) I'm sure that we'll all feel comfortable within the confines of the honor system.

Alright. (Holds out his pinkie at the center of the table)

(Stern) No, ma, I'm not gonna see a psychiatrist. N- I don't care if you do pay for it! No! Discussion over. Yeah, alright, I'll see you later. Yes, of course I'm gonna come by. Alright. (Hangs up, slamming it down on the coffee table. He sits down next to Jerry) My mother wants me to see a psychiatrist now. Why?! Because she caught me? (Scoffs, shaking his head) You know, if everyone who did that had to go see a psychiatrist.. (Laughing, he snorts)

(Waits for the rest of the sentence) ..Yeah?

(Defensively) Whatever.

How is she?

(Shrugging it off) She'll be fine. I gotta go to the hospital to see her tonight.

(Answering to the intercom) Yeah?

It's me.

Come on up. (Lets her in by unlocking the front door)

Hey, what are you doing tonight?

(Opens his door slightly for Elaine) Dating Marla.

Oh, the virgin?

Yeah.

Any, uh.. progress, there? What's the latest?

Well, I got my troops amassed along the border - I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.

Hey, look at this, c'mere. There's a naked woman across the street.

Where?

Second floor from the top. (Pointing) See the window on the left?

(In awe) Wow!

(Also amazed) Who walks around the house like that?!

(Suggesting) Maybe she's a nudist. You know, those nudist colony people..

..Yeah.. (Pause) yeah.. (Slowly stands up, and walks out Jerry's apartment - leaving Jerry and George with the view, he shuts the door behind him)

Hey, let me ask you a question. In these nudist colonies, do they eat naked in the dining room?

I would imagine it's all naked.

What about the chamber maids? Are they naked, too?

(Still focused on the nudist) They're naked, the gardeners naked.. the bellhops. (Jerry makes a noise of astonishment) One big nude-a-rama.

Hey.

(Only turning back for a second) Hey.

Well, (Smiling) where's my money? Who caved?

(Over his shoulder) Not me.

(Also, over his shoulder) Not me.

What're you looking at?

There's a naked woman across the street.

(Smiling, chuckling) This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life. (Moving on to a new topic) So, my fried, Joyce, is teaching an aerobics class. I'm gonna go tonight.

(Commenting) Yeah.. the - the waitress should've taken it back.

(Realizes Jerry and George aren't paying attention) So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're goin' to Mars.

(Still staring at the woman) Uh-huh.

Have a good time.

(Declaring) I'm out!

What?!

Yeah, I'm out - I'm out of the contest.

You're out?!

Yeah, yeah.. (Notes their reactions) what?

Well, that was fast!

Well, it was that woman across the street. (To Jerry) You know, you better be careful, buddy. She's gonna get you next. (Walks out, shutting the door behind him)

..And then there were three.

I don't understand you. I really don't. You have nothing better to do at three o' clock in the afternoon? I go out for a quart of milk, I come home, and find my son treating his body like it was an amusement park!

(Stern, trying to shut her up) Ma.

Don't give me "Ma". It's a good thing I didn't hit the table. I could of cracked my head open.

Ma, people can hear you.

(Heavy in sarcasm) Too bad you can't do that for a living. You'd be very successful at it. You could sell out Madison Square Garden. Thousands of people could watch you! You could be a big star!

(Getting up) Alright, Ma, that's enough!

I want you to go see a psychiatrist.

No! I am not going to see a psychiatrist!

Why? Why not?! Why won't you go?

(Like a kid) Because I don't want to.

I want you to go see somebody.

Well, I am not going.

It's a good thing your father's in Chicago.

Hello, Aunt Estelle. Look at you - how did this happen?

(Snapping) Is that important, really? What is this, a police investigation? The woman's been through enough. She has to relive the experience now?!

Hi, Denise. Six-thirty, time for your sponge bath.

Mmm.. is it six-thirty already? I fell asleep.

(Seems not to notice what's going on beyond the divider) So, George, what are you doing now? I hear you got some kinda television, writing - thing?

(Slowly backing away, he's not at all committed to the conversation) Yeah.. television.

Let me help you out with that. Here, just slip it over your head..

Oh.. thank you.

(Nodding) Well, it's about time. We thought you were gonna wind up on the street. (As the bath is going on, George is now completely mesmerized) What is it you're doing, exactly?

George, you're cousin, Shelly, is talking to you!

So, when was the last time you took a class?

Oh, it's been a while.

(Overly excited) Are you psyched?

(Fake excitement) Yeah. yeah, I'm really.. psyched.

Well, you're gonna thank me for getting you in here.

Why is that?

(Pointing, she directs Elaine's attention off-camera) See the guy with the dark hair and the red shorts?

(Between breaths) Oh, my God. (Joyce nods) John F. Kennedy Junior's here!

He's gonna be in your class today.

(Still unable to speak right) In my class? John Kennedy's gonna be in my class?!

I can get you a spot right behind him. He has got a great butt.

Yeah. Butt. Butt. Great butt. John-John's butt.

Let's slow it down a little.

"Slow it down"?

Well, (Reminding him of her virginity) You know..

Ah, yeah.. I know.

You're okay with that, right?

Yeah, yeah.. of course. What, do you think I care about the sex? What kind of person do you think I am? That doesn't mean anything to me. (Faint) I don't care about that.

So, I'll see you Saturday night, then?

(Smiling, nodding) Sure, Saturday night.

Alright, then. Good night.

Goodnight. (She gets out. Jerry leans forward, adding) Not just a good night - a great night. (She shuts the door, he waves)

(Singing) Goood Moorrrnninng!

(Out of it) Yeah, good morning.

Ha, ha! Nothing like some good solid sack time. (Turns toward Jerry's window)

She's not there. She's doin' her wash.

(Turning back to Jerry) Oh. So, did you make it through the night?

(Over the top) Yes, I'm proud to say I did!

So, you're still master of your domain.

(Nodding) Yes. Yes I am. (Kramer chuckles) Master of my domain. But I will tell you this: I am going over to (Gestures to the nudist) her apartment, and I'm tellin' her to put those shades down!

Woah, woah, woah. What-what did you just say?

I can't take it anymore! She's driving me crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I' here, I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest - something's gotta give!

Do you hear what you're saying?! Can you hear it?! (Jerry puts on his coat) This is a beautiful woman walking around naked, and you want to tell her to stop?! That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! I mean, think comprehens- I'm not gonna let you do it.

(Persistent) Well, I'm doin' it, get out of my way.

(Stopping him) No, no, no, no. You can't! You can't! This is something that comes about once in a lifetime! When we were boys, looking through our bedroom windows, we would think: "Why can't there be a woman out there, taking her clothes off?" And now that wish's come true, and you want to (Makes a noise) throw it away?!

Look, I'm sorry-

No, I'm not gonna let you do it, Jerry.

Kramer, (Trying to pass him) get outta my way!

(Frantic) No, no, no. Don't do it. Don't do it! For my sake! God knows I don't ask you for much! (Pleading) Now, come on. Please, Jerry. Please! I'm beggin' ya! Please! (Claps hands) Come on! Please!

Alright.. (Takes his coat off)

Yes!

..Alright.

(Moving to the window) Thank you, thank you, thank you. (Sits in Jerry's chair, looking out the window)

She's not there!

Oh, I can wait..

So the nurse was giving her a sponge bath?

Every night at six-thirty. The nurse was gorgeous.. then I got a look at the patient.. (Laughs, then snorts) I was going nuts.

Oh, man. Well, I guess you'll be going back to that hospital.

(Fake sympathy) Well, my mother, Jerry..

(Pointing) But are you still master of your domain?

(Arms out) I am king of the county. You?

Lord of the manor.

John F. Kennedy Jun-ya!

What?

(Smiling) He was in my aerobics class.

Really? Did you talk to him?

No, you don't understand - he was working out right in front of me. So, listen, after the class was over, I timed my walk to the door so we'd get there at the exact same moment, and he says to me, (Thinking the world of what he said) "Quite a workout."

"Quite a workout"? What did you say?

(Smiling, proud) I said, "yeah."

(Adding, fake praise) Good one.

So then, listen, listen. So then, I showered and I dressed, and I saw him again, on the way out. (Giddy and nearly out of breath) So we're walkin' and talkin', and he asked me my name - and I think I said Elaine - but, I mean, who the hell knows.. And so then, he says to me: "Do you wanna split a cab uptown?" And I said, "Sure" - even though I was going downtown. So, we get in the cab, and I mean, I have no idea where I'm goin', right? But this is John F. Kennedy Junior we're talkin' about! (Deep breath) So, then, he says to me, "Where do you live?" And I - and I - and I was close to your block, so I said your building. So he dropped me off in front, (Laughs) and I had to take a cab all the way back downtown to my house.. (Picks up a glass of cold water and presses it up to her forehead to cool her off) Oh, God..

But the question is, are you still master of your domain?

(Sets the glass down) I'm queen of the castle. (Pops a piece of food into her mouth)

You're back.

Of course I'm back. Why wouldn't I be back? My mother's in the hospital, I'm going to pay her a visit.

I know, but two days in a row? You didn't have to do this.

You're my mother! What wouldn't I do for you?

You know what you could do? I haven't eaten lunch or dinner. I can't eat this hospital food. Maybe you could run down to the deli and get me a sandwich..

(Smiling) You got it, Ma. (She smiles back, nodding) A little later. (George sits back in a nearby chair, looking at the divider in anticipation)

(Let down) Could you go now, George? I'm very hungry. I'm weak.

Well, wait a little while, Ma. What's the difference?

I don't understand why you can't do this for me!

(Standing up) I just got here, Ma! I'd like to spend a little time with you.

But if you wait, they won't let you back in! Visiting hours are almost over!

Ten minutes! Here, here, (Fishes a box of Tic-Tacs out of his coat pocket and tosses them to her) Have some Tic-Tacs.

Get the hell outta here. (Angrily sets them aside) I'm sorry you came.

(To patient) Six-thirty. Time for your sponge bath.

George.. I'm huuunnnggry!

(Muttering, slow) Hang on, Ma.. hang on..

Hi!

Hi.

Did you get your hair done today?

No, I just, uh, fixed it.. a little bit. (Still looking around, she quickly checks her breath)

You know who - isn't here. He was in the early class today. (Elaine looses her composure) But I think you made quite an impression on him yesterday.

(Regarding herself) What? What? Who? Me-me-me? I made an impression? What impression?

Let me just put this back. (Turns to put a stack of shorts away)

No! No! Now! Tell me now! What did he say?!

(Uneasy) He asked about you.

(Ecstatic) He asked about me? John Kennedy asked about me?! (Hangs off the side of the counter, both feet in the air) What did he say?

He wanted to know your situation.

(Quick) What situation? I have a situation?

I-I told him you were single.

That was good. That was very good.

He said you were just his type.

(Frank) Okay, you tryin' to hurt me? Are you tryin' to hurt - you're tryin' to injure me, right? You're trying to hurt me.

He also told me to tell you that he'll be in your neighborhood tomorrow around nine o' clock - so he's gonna stop in front of your building if you want to come down and say hello.

Alright, Ma, I'll talk to you later.. Nothing, I'm, I'm watching, uh, Tiny Toons here, on Nickelodeon.. It's, I-I like kid shows. They have a very innocent, wholesome quality. Okay, alright, I'll talk to you later. Bye. (Hangs up)

(Obviously watching the nudist across the street) Oh, that's good. That's good. That's very, very good. Oh, it's hot in there.. (Jerry looks back at Kramer in envy) It's hot in there. So, just walk around a little bit. Don't be ashamed, don't be ashamed.. that's good, that's good.. yes, yes, yes..

(Trying to block out Kramer, he starts to sing along with the TV) The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus..

The woman across the street has nothing on, nothing on, nothing on..

All you got is instant coffee? Why don't you get some real coffee?

I don't keep real coffee in here, I get my coffee on the outside! (Intercom buzzes. He answers it) Yeah?!

(Through intercom) It's Elaine.

(Shouting) Come on up! (Opens his door for Elaine)

Where did you get those socks?

I don't know.

I think those are my socks!

How are these your socks?!

I don't know, but those are my socks! I had a pair just like that with the blue stripe, and now I don't have them anymore!

(Sarcastic) Oh, yeah, that's right, well, you fell asleep one day on the sofa and I took them off your stinkin' feet. They looked so good to me, I just had to have them!

Yeah, well, they're my socks!

They're my socks!

Oh boy..

What are we doing here..

..Oh boy.

This is ridiculous.

Do you believe this? We're fighting. We're fighting.

I haven't been myself lately. I've been snapping at everybody.

Me too. I've been yelling at strangers on the street.

Hello.. (Pulls a wad of bills out of her purse, and starts to count it up)

(Shocked) You caved?!

It's over?

You're out?

Ohh-my-God. The Queen is dead.

I figured you'd cruise. At least through the Spring.

What happened?

It was..uh.. John-John.

Ohhhhh.. John-John.

But you made it through the day before.

Yeah, but yesterday, he told Joyce, the aerobics teacher, that he wants to meet me outside here at nine o' clock tonight.

Why outside here?

Because he think I live here. Remember when we shared a cab, and he dropped me off out in front? He's picking me up.

Alright, Costanza - it's just you and me.

And then, (Smacks the money) there were two.

(Slowly) Elaine Benes Kennedy Junior..

Let's go in the bedroom.

Really?

Yes.

You sure?

Yes.

You really want to?

I do. I'm ready.

Okay..

I know how difficult this must have been for you.

(Chuckles) You don't know the half of it.

What do you mean?

Well, it's kinda silly, but..

Contest?! A contest! This is what you do with your friends?

No, it was just a bet. I mean, it actually started with George and his mother-

I don't want to hear another word. And to think how close I came to you being the one! I must have been out of my mind.

Marla? Hi, oh, I'm glad I ran into you-

I don't want to have anything to do with you or your perverted friends. (Confused, Elaine moves closer) Ooohh, get away from me! You're horrible.

What happened?

I told her about the contest.

Ohh. Boy, she's a whack-o.

(To Elaine) Hey, what happened?

What?

I thought you were meeting Kennedy.

(Let down) He didn't show.

Yeah, he did.

What? He's - He's out there? Oh, my God. I-I gotta go, I gotta go..

No, no, no. He just left.

What?

Yeah, he was talking to Marla.

Marla?

Yeah, I think, you know, she was, like, crying, and he was consoling her, and then, she, uh, just got into his car, and they just drove away.

(Angered) He left with Marla, the virgin?

Yeah.

They drove away?

Yeah, drove away.. You know, I said 'Hello' to him. You know, he's - he's-

(Moving to the window, shocked) Oh my God in heaven!

(Makes a sound of surprise) Is that..?

Kramer?!

He's waving..

Ohh, John. That was wonderful..