Full screenplay script transcript for Seinfeld S05E18: The Raincoats
36 Scenes820 Lines
Scene 1
Opening Scene
1 lines
Jerry
I really feel as human beings, we need more training in our basic social skills. Conversational Distance, don't you hate these people that talk to you they talk into your mouth like you're a clown at a drive-through and Hand shakes is the worst, there's absolutely no guidelines for hand shakes you know these people? Too long, too weak, sometimes they give you the three-quarter handshake just the fingers, early release, late release, sometimes people will dispute your release, you let go there're hangin' on. I have actually said to people 'Hey the handshake is over!.' Too many pumps, coming in too high, too sweaty, coming from too far away. Sometimes a guy will give you a strong grip, late release, and pull you in for the too close conversation. To him I say 'That's three strikes you're out.'
Scene 2
Monk's Cafe
30 lines
George and Jerry at the usual booth
Jerry
You know their timing couldn't be worse.
George
Is there ever a good time to have your parents stay with you?
Jerry
You don't understand, I haven't been together with Rachel for like three weeks. First I was on the road, then my parents show up, I'm getting a little uh backed up.
George
When are they leaving for Paris?
Jerry
Not for another three days.
George
What about her place?
Jerry
She lives with her parents.
George
Really? (Jerry shakes his head) Maybe this will become like a cool thing, living with your parents.
Jerry
(sarcastically) Ya, then maybe baldness will catch on. This will all be turning your way.
George
Hey believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they're gonna relate to? Who do you think is going to be the first ones getting a tour of the ship?
Jerry
The baldies
George
Hey by the way my parents really want to have your parents over dinner before they leave town.
Jerry
That's good, then I get the apartment for at least one night. You know I'm paying for this whole Paris trip it's their anniversary present.
Alec and Joey enter
Alec
(walking over to Jerry and George's table) Hey guys.
George
Hey Alec
Jerry
Hey Alec
Alec
This is Joey.
George
Hey Joey, how you doin'?
Alec
(Joey was about to talk) Hey listen, I was wondering if either one of you guys would be interested in doing some work for the Big Brother program? I'm kinda running the local chapter. What do you say George?
George
Well uh.
Joey
(interrupts) Wouldn't you like to be a big brother to someone like me? Please?
George
Well, sure Joey, sure, I would be thrilled.
Alec
That's great George, thanks a lot I'll get in touch with you.
Joey
Wouldn't you like to be a big brother..
Alec
(grabs Joey to stop him) Ya alright Joey that's enough, let's go (walking over to the counter) See ya.
Jerry
What happened?
George
What could I do? Did you see the mug on that kid?
Jerry
(acting like Joey) Wouldn't you like to pass the ketchup to someone like me? Please?
Scene 3
Street
14 lines
Jerry and George walking down the sidewalk.
Jerry
Hey did you notice they moved where they do the interview on Jeopardy now?
George
Ya it used to be right in the middle of single Jeopardy and now they do it right after single Jeopardy.
Jerry
Ya, it's much better isn't it?
George
Oh, n-no comparison.
Jerry
Hey, I gotta stop off at the bookstore to pick up my parents one of those French-English dictionaries.
George
(stops Jerry realizing something) Hey hey hey hey hey hey.
Jerry
What?
George
Your parents are going to Paris right?
Jerry
Yea?
George
So I tell Alec that I have to go to Paris for an undetermined amount of time. Then all I have to do is buy some post cards and have your parents mail them from Paris.
Jerry
What about little Joey?
George
Who?
Jerry
Ah, I think he's probably better off.
Scene 4
Jerry's Apartment
70 lines
Morty and Helen are sitting at Jerry's Table; Jerry and George are standing by them
George
I'm trying to get out of this Big Brother program. So when you get to Paris (handing Morty the postcards) all you have to do is drop 'em in any mailbox.
Morty
But there are no stamps on these.
George
Well no not yet, you gotta buy french stamps (pauses) I-I'll reimburse you of course.
Helen
Why are you doing this?
Jerry
He wants this guy to think he's in Paris.
Helen
Why?
Jerry
Because George is a deeply disturbed individual.
Kramer enters
Kramer
Oh hey, Helen uh, Could I uh, use some more of your hand lotion?
Helen
I told you it was good. (hands Kramer the lotion)
Kramer
(putting on the lotion) Ya
Helen
It's from the Saks Fifth Avenue in Miami.
Kramer
Mmm (smelling the lotion as he rubs it in) I'm gonna remember that if I'm ever in Florida.
Jerry
Ya, or if you're ever on Fifth Avenue here in New York City, you could get some there.
Kramer
Ya
Morty
Say those are some nice pants. I got a pair just like them at home.
Kramer
Well uh that doesn't surprise me, ya i bought these at Rudy's. It's a used clothing store. See when people like you die, the widows they bring in their wardrobes, they make a bundle.
George
Really? My father has a ton of old clothes just sitting up in the attic, y-you think they're worth something?
Kramer
Ya if they're vintage, and you're a widow.
George
What happens if the husband dies after the wife, who brings in the clothing in then?
Kramer
Well I suppose the children do.
George
(pondering) Yes I suppose they do.
Kramer
(takes another smell of his hands) Alright I gotta a ten o'clock, I'll see everybody later.
Kramer goes to turn the door knob and falls straight to the floor slipping off the knob, then continues to try to open the door with no one really watching; He then uses his coat to get a grip and then smiles and exits
George
(grabbing his jacket) Hey oo, I just remembered uh my parents really wanna have you guys over for dinner before you leave town. What about tonight?
Morty and Helen look at each other
Helen
Tonight?
George
Yea they're making Paella.
Helen
(looking at Morty) Uh oh I don't think we think we can make it tonight, (turns toward George) we have plans.
Jerry
(watching the whole conversation from his desk) What plans?
Helen
(turns to Jerry) We have plans.
Jerry
Where'd you get plans?
Helen
(annoyed) We have plans.
George
Well um, what about tomorrow night?
Helen
(turns back toward George) Maybe
George
Ok uh, I guess I'll tell them that.
Morty
(to George as he is about to leave) Hey give 'em our best though.
George
(quietly) Ya.
Jerry
(walking over toward George and the door) I'll call you later.
George
Ya.
George tries to open the door hand slips then he exits; Jerry makes sure the door is closed
Jerry
So what plans do you have?
Morty
None
Jerry
So how come you're not going over there for dinner?
Helen
Jerry we don't care much for the Costanzas'.
Morty
We can't stand them.
Jerry
Really? Since when?
Helen
Since always. We've never liked them.
Jerry
Why?
Helen
Well they're so loud, they're always fighting it's uncomfortable, you never notice?
Jerry
No I notice but they're from your age group I didn't know you could detect abnormal behavior among your own kind.
Morty
Well we do.
Buzzer; Jerry goes over to answer it
Jerry
Ya?
Elaine and Aaron are heard laughing on the Intercom
Elaine
It's us.
Jerry
U-oh come on up. (buzzes them up) It's Elaine you don't have a problem with her do you?
Helen
We adore Elaine.
Jerry
She wants to say hi, she's with her new boyfriend.
Helen
What's he like?
Jerry
He's nice, bit of a close talker.
Helen
A what?
Jerry
You'll see. (pause) Boy, I had no idea you felt this way about the Costanzas'
Helen
They're exhausting it's like being in an Asylum.
Elaine and Aaron enter
Everyone
Hi.
Morty
Hello Elaine
Morty and Helen give Elaine a hug
Elaine
This is Aaron.
Scene 5
Scene 5
53 lines
Helen
Hello Aaron
Morty
Hello.
Aaron
(getting up in Helen's face) So how long you folks in town?
Helen
Oh, three more days, three more days then we're off to Paris.
Aaron
Ah
Morty
We're going with a select charter group.
Aaron
I love France, (moving over to Morty's face) I was just there last year. In fact, you know I still have an envelope full of French Franks, I'll give 'em to ya.
Helen
We can't take money.
Aaron
Oh, no, it's a gift. (looking toward Elaine) from us.
Elaine
Oh, that is soo nice (very elaborate nice) Aaron. Isn't he nice? (to Helen) So listen has Jerry been showin' you a good time?
Jerry
No I haven't.
Aaron
You know (to Morty) I have a friend who works at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. How would you like a behind the scenes tour?
Helen
(grabbing Aaron) Really, you could do that?
Aaron
(up in Helen's face) Easily
Helen
I wouldn't be any trouble?
Aaron
(gets closer) Of course not.
Helen
When would we go?
Aaron
How about right now?
Morty
I'm ready
Helen
Are you sure?
Aaron
Yes.
Helen
Ok, let me get my coat.
Helen goes to get her coat
Aaron
(walking over to Elaine and getting into her face) Elaine what do you say?
Elaine
W-well I don't think so Aaron, uh, I have plans.
Aaron
Oh. (getting into Jerry's face) How about you Jerry?
Jerry
I'm swamped.
Aaron
You sure? You could examine the art work up close.
Jerry
Maybe I'll try and catch up with you.
Elaine
(under her breath) Ya that'll happen)
Aaron
(Moving toward the door) Alright. We're off.
Aaron, Helen and Morty heading out the door
Morty
Ok, bye.
Helen & Aaron
Bye.
Jerry
Ok buh bye. Have a good time.
Elaine
Bye.
Aaron
See everybody later (Morty and Helen leave; Aaron closes the door blowing Elaine a kiss)
Jerry
Ok.
Elaine
Why would he ask your parents to go to a museum?
Jerry
I don't know.
Elaine
What is that?
Jerry
Maybe he was just trying to be nice.
Elaine
Have you ever heard of anyone doing anything like this?
Jerry
Wait a second, he just did me a big favor.
Jerry walks over to the couch sits down and picks up the phone
Elaine
What?
Jerry
(dialing) He got em out of the house.
Elaine
What?
Jerry
Call Rachel.
Elaine
Oh.
Jerry
(on the phone) ah no, I got the machine. Rachel! Are you there?! I got the place to myself for a few hours! Rachel! Where are you? Rachel! (hangs up the phone very disappointed)
Elaine
(putting on lipstick) Sorry pal, wish I could help you out.
Elaine kisses at Jerry; Jerry looks at her in disgust
Scene 6
Costanza House
13 lines
Frank
They're not coming?
George
No, they had plans.
Estelle
How could they have plans?
George
That's what I wanna know.
Frank
Well what difference does it make? They wouldn't lie to us, they're are dear friends.
Estelle
What am I supposed to do with all this Paella?
George
They said tomorrow, maybe.
Frank
Maybe?
Estelle
Maybe they don't like us.
Frank
Why wouldn't they like us? (tastes the Paella; disgusted) Again with the pepper? What do you gotta use all the pepper for?
Estelle
Ah keep quiet.
Frank
What are you trying to set my mouth on fire?
George
I don't know what the reason could be.
Scene 7
Jerry's Apartment
45 lines
Morty, Helen and Aaron enter
Jerry
(disappointed) Oh, Hi, hi.
Aaron
Ah Jerry you would not believe the time we had.
Helen
Aaron is quite the tour guide.
Morty
Jerry have you ever seen any of those impressionist paintings?
Jerry
Oh sure like Monet.
Morty
Don't you think he had to be uh near sighted? I mean know body would paint like that if they could see. It's all out of focus.
Jerry
Well he's from the impressionist school, you know like Monet, Manet, Tippi Tippi Dayday.
Morty
I say the guy was painting without his glasses.
phone rings
Jerry
(answering phone) Hello? Rachel, ya uh no they're back.
Helen
Jerry if you have something to do we could just sit right here and read.
Jerry
Uh haha ya well uh I'm sorry too I'll call you later, ok bye (hangs phone up)
Aaron
Well I should be going.
Helen
Oh thanks again.
Aaron & Helen
Buh bye.
Kramer enters
Aaron
Oh you must be Kramer (advances on Kramer to close to his face Kramer walks back into the fridge to avoid him and falls to the ground) I've heard about you.
Kramer
You must be Aaron, I've heard about you.
Aaron
(Laughing) Well see you later.
Kramer
Yeah.
Aaron
(leaving) Bye
Jerry
Bye
Kramer
So uh what are you guys doing for dinner?
Helen
We have no plans.
Morty
(noticing Kramer's coat) Look at that, Helen do you see what he's wearing? That's the Executive.
Kramer
Now what is Executive?
Jerry
The belt-less trench coat. My father invented it.
Morty
I sure did. Raincoats were my business. The Executive was a classic, these haven't been made in twenty years.
Helen
Why would they? Know body bought them then.
Morty
He's wearing one.
Kramer
Yea these are a hot item over at Rudy's.
Morty
You don't say? You know I have boxes of those sitting in my garage in Florida?
Kramer
Get 'em up here. You give me twenty-five percent I-I'll take care of everything.
Morty
You gotta deal.
Kramer and Morty shake hands
Kramer
Yaaaa.
Jerry
This is like the meeting of Smith and Wesson.
Morty
I'll call Jack Klompus, he's got a key to the garage. He can send them overnight delivery.
Helen
You're gonna first start shipping boxes? We're leaving for Paris in three days.
Morty
He'll send them express.
Helen
You're crazy.
Morty
I'll tell you how crazy I am, I'm gonna pay for this whole trip with these coats.
Jerry
N-na I'm paying for the trip.
Morty
So much the better.
Scene 8
Monk's Cafe
11 lines
George and Alec are sitting at the booth closest to the door
George
Anyway it's kind of a fluke thing but uh I'll be leaving for Paris in two days. I will send you a postcard when I get there.
Alec
Paris huh?
George
Yea, ya..ya know I feel terrible about Joey but it's jus..it's a great business opportunity. I-I don't even know how long I'm gonna be away for.
Alec
Where will you stay?
George
An apartment complex, the uh the Eiffel Towers. uumm Like I said uh you'll be getting a postcard uh in a few days and again I'm sorry.
Alec
George, you have no idea how fantastic this is.
George
Fantastic?
Alec
Ya, we've been trying to reunite Joey with his father who lives in Paris. But he's afraid to fly alone, you know he's kinda withdrawn, but he seems to take to you. (George smiling in surprise) So it's a perfect solution.
George
How gee what a coincidence.
Alec
And you'll send me a postcard.
Scene 9
Elaine's Apartment
12 lines
Elaine and Aaron lying in bed
Aaron
Helen really seemed to respond to Renoir. I think she really connected to the way he painted children.
Elaine
Mm hmm.
Aaron
And that Morty, I'll tell ya that guy is full of life. (laughs) He was convinced Monet was near sighted. I kept telling him
Elaine
Aaron
Aaron
Yes?
Elaine
Uh, let me ask you a question. How come you asked Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld to go to the museum with you?
Aaron
Well, they were in from out of town, I thought they would enjoy it.
Elaine
Uhuh, um you didn't feel uncomfortable spending the whole day at the museum with two complete strangers who were more than twice your age?
Aaron
No, it was fun.
Elaine
You had fun with Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld.
Aaron
Yea, they bought me a coke.
Scene 10
Jerry's Apartment
35 lines
Morty and Jerry are sitting at his table; Kramer is standing next to Morty; Helen is getting the fold out sofa ready to sleep
Kramer
So how'd you come up with the idea for the belt-less trench coat?
Morty
I came home one night, and I tripped over one of Jerry's toys. (Jerry smiling points to himself and nods with cards in his hands) So I took out my belt just to threaten him, and I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
Kramer
How serendipitous.
Morty
So that night I cut off the loops and the Executive was born.
Kramer
Mmm
Jerry
He also came up with an idea for a brimless rain-hat but that never materialized. (to Morty) Alright come on let's play.
Kramer
Did you call Jack Klompus yet?
Morty
I haven't been able to reach him. Hey I'll call him right now.
Jerry
Ah come on.
Morty
Just a second. (Goes to grab the phone)
Helen
Jerry have you seen Schindler's List?
Jerry
No I haven't seen it yet.
Helen
Oh you have to go you have to
Jerry
I'm going
Helen
You have to
Jerry
Ok
Morty
(on the phone) Hello Jack.
Jack in Florida
Jack
Ya
Morty
It's Morty
Jack
Who died?
Morty
Know body died. Jack I want you to do me a big favor. (Jerry holding up some cards looking at his father) In my garage there are a couple of boxes.
Jack
What boxes?
Morty
I'm gonna explain what boxes.
Jack
Alright how the hell do I know?
Morty
Anyway there are these three big boxes, you can't miss them. I want you to ship them here to New York for me.
Jack
I thought you're going to Paris
Morty
I'm still going to Paris. I got a big deal cooking here.
Jack
What's in the boxes?
Morty
Raincoats.
Jack
Raincoats? (Doris sighs) You think you're gonna sell those old crappy raincoats? That's garbage.
Helen
I guarantee you Doris is not letting him mail those boxes.
Jack
When do you want these?
Morty
Send them tomorrow.
Scene 11
Costanza House
18 lines
George, Estelle and Frank are sitting at the table for breakfast all still in what they slept in
Estelle
You think they're coming tonight?
George
I dunno they said maybe.
Frank
Of course they're coming, they're leaving soon. If they don't come tonight they might not see us.
Estelle
Well they better come, I got all this Paella.
Frank
I admire Morty and Helen going to France. We should take a trip, maybe a cruise.
George
Yes a cruise, a long cruise, just the two of you.
Estelle
Georgie what were you doing poking around the attic last night?
George
I-I wasn't in the attic.
Estelle
I heard noise.
George
Maybe it was a mouse.
Frank
(jumping to his feet) OK that's it! We're moving!
George
What?
Frank
I will not tolerate infestation.
George
You haven't even seen one.
Frank
Don't you understand the very thought, the very idea, I'll never be comfortable again.
Estelle
Alright Frank that's enough.
Frank sits back down
Scene 12
Rudy's Antique Boutique
40 lines
Rudy is checking out the clothes
George
I guess I've been hanging on to them for so long cuz i couldn't accept the fact that Dad was really gone forever (hugs a piece of clothing)
Rudy
Uh huh.
George
They will get a good home won't they?
Rudy
Look I gotta be honest with you there's nothing here too spectacular.
George
Oh I beg to differ. My father took great pride in his appearance, he was a very handsome man, a casanova really.
Rudy
I'll give you uh two-hundred dollars for the three boxes.
George
Could you make it two-twenty-five that was his hi-game in bowling.
Rudy
Yea I'm in a good mood here.
George
Thank you.
Kramer enters
Kramer
Hey, George what are you doing here?
George
Uh, I'm just selling some of Dad's things, (looking into Kramer's eyes) that's what he would have wanted.
Kramer
Oh, I gotcha (clicks)
George
(leaving) That'll do.
Kramer
Oh hey guess what. Morty Seinfeld and I are going into business together, selling raincoats.
George
Hey that's swell.
Kramer
Yea we worked it out all over dinner last night.
George
Dinner? (grabs Kramer)
Kramer
Ya.
George
You had dinner with the Seinfelds'?
Kramer
Yea, last night.
George
Was this something you had planned for a while?
Kramer
No it was a spur of the moment. Well you know Morty likes to fly by the seat of his vintage pants.
George
(hurriedly leaves Rudy's) They had plans, They had plans!
Kramer
Oooo, boy I've never seen these before (looking at the clothes George just sold Rudy)
Rudy
Well they just came in, part of my spring-time cruise collection. Two for twenty-five dollars.
Kramer
Oh I'll take these.
Rudy
Alright
Kramer
Hey, remember this raincoat that you sold me?
Rudy
Sure that's the Executive.
Kramer
Ya, you have any others?
Rudy
I wish, they don't make 'em anymore.
Kramer
Suppose I told you I had fifty in mint condition, would you be interested?
Rudy
Very interested
Kramer
Cuz they're coming in from Florida as we speak.
Rudy
Well bring 'em in.
Kramer
So you'll buy them?
Rudy
I don't see what would possibly stop me.
Out of one of the boxes George sold Rudy flies a couple of moths as the scene ends
Scene 13
Jerry's Apartment
26 lines
George enters
George
Aaaa (looking around for Jerry) aaaa (finds Jerry) Ah ha. They had plans huh? They were busy. They were busy with their (doing a little dance to make the plans seem all that important) big plans!
Jerry
What are you talking about?
George
Mom and Pop Seinfeld
Jerry
Look I don't know.
George
Alright I happen to know what they did last night, they had dinner with Kramer.
Jerry
Oh they were tired it was a last minute thing.
George
So what's the deal they don't want to have dinner with my parents?
Jerry
That's right.
George
Is there something wrong with my parents?
Jerry
Absolutely
George
Because my parents happen to be two pretty wonderful people.
Jerry
These the people you currently live with?
George
Yes.
Jerry
Uh huh
George
So are they coming tonight or not?
Jerry
Look I really don't know what they're plans are.
George
Ok, fine. It's going to be very interesting, very interesting if they don't show up tonight. You know my mother made all this Paella.
Jerry
What is that anyway?
George
It's a spanish dish. It's a moulage of fish, an meat with rice. Very tasty.
Jerry
I-I'll tell 'em
George
Hey could you do one other thing for me?
Jerry
Name it.
George
You think your parents would have any objections to taking a little kid to Paris with them? (Jerry looks at him confused) It turns out that the kid's father lives in Paris. (chuckling) Is that a coincidence? (Jerry smilies) Eh you know Alec wants me to take him over there so I figure as long as they're going (claps)
Jerry
So you thought as long as they're mailing postcards, it wouldn't be too much to ask my parents to drag a child who they've never seen, through the streets of Paris?
George
(pause) Alright if you think it's too much they don't have to mail the postcards.
Scene 14
Elaine's Office
22 lines
Elaine at her desk; Joanna standing near the door
Joanne
So where's he taking you?
Elaine
Well first we're going to a matinée, I'm taking the afternoon off, we're gonna go see "My Fair Lady" and they we are gonna go to dinner. He knows all these fantastic places.
Joanne
You are one lucky girl. (Elaine laughs in happiness) Wish I could find a nice guy. (Joanne goes to leave; Aaron enters) Hi Aaron.
Aaron
(getting up in Aaron's face) Hey Joanne. (turns to Elaine and goes over to her) Hey
Elaine
(already out from behind her desk goes to Aaron) Hi
Elaine and Aaron kiss
Enter Helen
Helen
Hello, Hello.
Enter Morty
Morty
Hello Elaine
Morty gives Elaine a kiss; Elaine is in shock
Aaron
I was able to finagle two more tickets to "My Fair Lady" and I thought why not ask Morty and Helen.
Elaine
Oh, Great.
Morty
(looking around) This is some office. What's the square footage?
Helen
You don't mind to you Elaine?
Elaine
Mind? Oh o-of course not.
Aaron
We can make a whole day of it.
Morty
This is some building, Harry Fleming used to have an office here. There was a deli on the first floor. You don't get corned beef like that anymore. What happened to that deli?
Elaine
(somewhat annoyed) I really don't know Mr. Seinfeld
COLLECTION OF SCENES WITH THE MUSIC AND SINGING FROM "MY FAIR LADY" OVER THEM. FIRST THE MATINéE WHERE WE SEE (FROM LEFT TO RIGHT) HELEN, MORTY, ELAINE AND AARON. MORTY OPENS A CANDY BAR TAKES A BITE THEN OFFERS IT TO ELAINE THEN AARON WHO TAKES IT AS THE SCENE CHANGES TO THE CAFE 123. AT THE RESTAURANT WE SEE (FROM LEFT TO RIGHT) MORTY, ELAINE, HELEN AND AARON. MORTY IS POINTING AT A PAINTING WHILE TALKING TO ELAINE THEN TAKES OFF HIS GLASSES. NEXT GEORGE IS SEEN GETTING READY TO HOP INTO A CAB WHEN MORTY, ELAINE, AARON AND HELEN RIDE BY IN A HORSE DRAWN CARRIAGE (HANDSOME CAB) DRINKING CHAMPAIGN. GEORGE THEN SMACKS THE TOP OF THE CAB IN DISGUST
(song from "My Fair Lady") "I could have danced all night, I could have danced all night, and still have begged for more. I could have spread my wings, and done a thousand things, I've never done before. I never know what made it so exciting, but all at once my heart would fly"
Scene 15
Jerry's Apartment
70 lines
Jerry and Rachel making out on Jerry's couch
Jerry
(stopping them) We better not. (they make out some more; then stop) T-They're gonna be here any second.
Rachel
When are they leaving?
Jerry
In two days.
Rachel
It's been soo long.
Jerry
I know.
Rachel
Ok, it's only two more days.
They both run their hands through their hair
Jerry
Right, Thursday three o'clock.
Morty
(from outside the door; singing) I could have danced all night (entering with Helen) I could have danced all night and still have
Helen
Ooh.
Jerry
Oh Hi.
Helen
We didn't know you had company.
Jerry
(tucking in his shirt) Oh ya this is Rachel.
Rachel
Hi.
Helen & Morty
Hello Rachel.
Helen
Uh we'll come back another time.
Jerry
What other time?
Helen
Whenever
Jerry
Where you goin'?
Morty
Uh we'll drive around for a while.
Jerry
You don't have a car.
Morty
We'll take a bus.
Jerry
Come on stop.
Helen
No we don't mind
Morty
I'll get a book.
Rachel
No no it's ok, I was just leaving anyway.
Helen
O-oh are you sure?
Rachel
Yea.
Helen
Cuz we don't wann..
Jerry
(interrupting) No no it's ok. (walking Rachel out) So we'll go see Schindler's List later right?
Rachel
Definitely
Jerry
Ok. Uh
Rachel
(going out the door) It's night meeting you.
Helen
Nice meeting you.
Jerry
Ok, see you later.
Morty
Boy that was some show.
Jerry
What show?
Morty
"My Fair Lady"
Jerry
When did you get tickets to see that?
Helen
Aaron surprised us, and Elaine came.
Jerry
Oh (laughing) Elaine really? Well that sounds interesting.
Morty
We saw Regis Philbin get out of a limousine.
Jerry
Oh.
Helen
He looks better on TV.
Jerry
Oh
Phone rings
Jerry
(answering phone) Hello?
Jack Klompus in Florida
Jack
Hello Jerry,
Jerry
Yea.
Jack
It's Jack Klompus.
Jerry
Oh hi Jack.
Jack
So when are you coming down to Florida again?
Jerry
As soon as is humanly possible.
Jack
You know I still got that pen, the one that writes upside down.
Jerry
Yea yea ya I shoulda kept it.
Jack
So uh where's your father?
Jerry
Ya he's right here.
Jerry hands Morty the phone
Morty
Yea
Jack
Morty, listen I can't get into the garage.
Morty
What do you mean?
Jack
There is something wrong with the key. The key doesn't work
Morty
You gotta jiggle it a little bit. I jiggled it. I jiggled it for fifteen minutes.
Doris enters the scene with Jack
Doris
Tell him to come down here and get his own packages. You have nothing better to do then worry about his boxes.
Morty
You gotta pull on the knob as you turn it.
Jack
Get the hell outta here with your knob.
Doris
What does he want from you?
Scene 16
Scene 16
10 lines
Morty
My idiot son could open that garage door.
Jerry
What did I do?
Morty
Just do it first thing tomorrow. I need it.
Jack is seen hanging up his phone
Morty
They'll be here first thing Thursday morning.
Helen
Thursday morning? You know we're leaving at three o'clock.
Jerry
(in a hurry) Yea you're leaving at three o'clock.
Helen
How are you gonna get all this done in time?
Morty
Don't worry about it.
Jerry
(in a hurry) Ya how you gonna get all this done in time?
Scene 17
Costanza House
21 lines
George, Estelle and Frank all standing in the kitchen
George
They were drinking champaign in a buggy!
Frank
First Kramer, then Elaine?
George
Yea
Frank
It's a slap in the face.
Estelle
(with her arms out in wonder) What did we ever do to them? (George puts his arms out and imitates Estelle as she moves her arms up and down as she speaks) I want to know what we did them!
Frank
What are they too good for us? A raincoat salesman, I could buy and sell 'em like that.
Frank leaves the kitchen and moves into the living room
Estelle
The hell with them.
George
(in the threshold between the living room and the kitchen) The thing that bothers me the most, is the lying.
George and Estelle move their way into the living room
Frank
Let's forget about it. We're going on a beautiful vacation. (sits down in his chair)
George
(sitting down) Vacation?
Frank
You're mother and I are planning on taking a cruise.
Estelle is already sitting next to George on the couch
George
(claps all happy) AH! (half hugs Estelle)
Frank
But I can't find any vacation clothes. They were in the attic.
George
The attic? Y-you haven't wore any of those clothes for years.
Frank
How can I go on a cruise with out my cabana wear? I love those, those clothes. (Looks down yells) AH! (jumps out of his chair) A mouse! I saw a mouse! (takes off into another room with glass doors on it and shuts the door)
George
(picking up what Frank saw as a mouse) It's the remote.
Frank
(looking from the room; you can see him through the glass) Where the hell are my clothes? I love those clothes.
Scene 18
Ally Outside Rudy's
2 lines
Rudy has a gasoline bottle and is burning some clothes
Rudy
Lousy moth ridden crap.
Scene 19
Median Monologue
3 lines
I-I-I'm not crazy about used clothes. I mean they call it vintage, you know to take your mind off of what it really is 'nasty wear.' Oh it's clean you know people wear underwear, ya well they don't wear iron underwear and that's what it's gonna take to get me in those clothes. I mean I'll move into an apartment after a strange person moves out, why would I wanna move into somebody's pants? There is no vintage underwear of course, but it's not because the guy couldn't sell his underwear, it's because men wear their underwear until it absolutely disintegrates. Men hang on to underwear until, until each individual underwear molecule is so strained it can barely retain the properties of a solid. It actually becomes underwear vapor. W-we don't even throw it out, we just open a window and it goes out like dandelion spoors. That's how men throw out underwear we just go (blows on the mic) and it's gone that it is jus.
Movie Theater
SCHINDLER'S LIST
Schindler's List is playing as Jerry and Rachel are making out. Newman is then seen disgusted by this display
Scene 20
Jerry's Apartment
15 lines
Jerry Enters; Morty and Helen are sitting at the table with a map out
Jerry
Hey.
Morty
Hey, Jerry.
Helen
So how was the movie?
Jerry
Oh, really good, really good.
Helen
And didn't the three hours go by just like that (snaps her fingers)
Jerry
Like that (snaps his fingers)
Morty
What about the end, with the list?
Jerry
Ya that was some list.
Helen
What did you think about the black and white?
Jerry
(confused) The black and white.
Morty
The whole movie was in black and white.
Jerry
Oh yea, I didn't even realize.
Morty
You don't even think about it, there's so much going on.
Jerry
Ya ya, I tell ya I could see it again.
Scene 21
Rudy's Antique Boutique
20 lines
Kramer
So Klompus has the key, but the jerk couldn't open it up. All you gotta do it jiggle it (has is hand out jiggling) jus get it in there (jiggling making a bunch of noises) jigg jigg jiggle reiggle
Rudy
Look, I find this whole thing very uninteresting. When you get the coats come in.
KRAMER; Ya hey I'm on your side.
George enters
Kramer
Hey what again?
George
I'm trying to buy some of the clothes back. (realizing something) Hey you wanna come over for dinner tonight? My mother made all this extra Paella.
Kramer
Paella, ya I'll be there.
George
Apparently the Seinfelds' are too good for us. I shouldn't say anything bad about your uh your partner.
Kramer
No no you know we're not partners. I only get twenty-five percent.
George
Twenty-five percent? It was your idea.
Kramer
Yap I know.
George
You're doing all the leg work.
Kramer
That's right
George
He's ripping you off
Kramer
You're right he's ripping me off
George
If anybody should be getting more it's you.
Kramer
He's ripping me off
George
Well don't let him take advantage of you like that.
Kramer
YAH! (exits)
Rudy
(coming out of the back-room noticing George) Oh it's you? You're the one who sold me the moth ridden cabana crap.
Scene 22
Jerry's Apartment
27 lines
Morty coming out of the bathroom
Morty
You know I've been thinking, why is Kramer getting twenty-five percent?
Helen
Well he told you about the place.
Morty
So what, why is that worth twenty-five percent? It's a finders fee. You know what a finders fee is?
Helen
You find something you get a fee.
Morty
Finder's fee is ten percent and no more.
Helen
Well it's too late now.
Morty
Those are my coats. I saved them, I stored them, I've been waiting years for this pay off.
Helen
Well you're not gonna say anything.
Kramer enters
Kramer
I've been thinking about something.
Morty
Ya so have I
Kramer
Ahh! I don't think the deal is fair.
Morty
You don't think it's fair.
Kramer
No no, I found the place, I set the whole thing up, I'm doing all the leg work.
Morty
What leg work?
Kramer
Oh, there's leg work.
Morty
If anything you're getting too much.
Kramer
Too much?!
Morty
That's right, they're my coats.
Kramer
Look I want thirty-five percent.
Morty
I'm thinking more like fifteen.
Kramer
No way I'm taking fifteen.
Morty
Well you're not getting thirty-five.
Kramer
Alright let's compromise. Twenty-five percent.
Morty
Ok it's a deal
They shack hands.
Scene 23
Rudy's Antique Boutique
6 lines
Rudy
Moths are a discourage to my business, all it takes is one moth to lay eggs. You know what happens to the larvae? They hatch and they're everywhere.
George
I'm sorry, umm he-here's your money back (gives Rudy the money back) I-I-I'll have the clothes.
Rudy
(counting the money to make sure it's all there) It's already put a dent in my fumigation bill.
George
So uh where are the clothes?
Rudy
I burned 'em.
George
Oh. That's good.
Scene 24
Monk's Cafe
22 lines
Jerry and Elaine sitting in the booth
Elaine
N-I know they're your parents Jerry an' they're very nice people. But don't you think it's odd, that a thirty-five year old man is going to these lengths to see that someone else's parents are enjoying themselves? I mean don't you find that abnormal?
Jerry
It is a tad askew.
Elaine
I mean they're your parents and you don't do anything. So why is this stranger doing it?
Jerry
I've hardly been out to dinner with them.
Elaine
See, See, I can't even say anything you know because all he's really doing is being nice but but know body is this nice, this is like certifiably nice.
Jerry
You're right he's insane.
Elaine
Yes, he's insane, that's what I think.
Jerry
So what are you going to do?
Elaine
I don't know, I don't know what to do. (sighs) Oh god. so how was the movie?
Jerry
Uh from what I saw it was pretty good.
Elaine
Ya what do you mean from what you saw?
Jerry
Well I um I didn't ah actually get to see the whole movie.
Elaine
Yea why not?
Jerry
I was kind of um (pauses) making out.
Elaine
(thinks for a second) You were making, out during Schindler's List?
Jerry
I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone in a long time, it just got the better of me.
Elaine
During Schindler's List?
Jerry
(trying to justify it) We're both living with our parents.
Elaine
Did anybody see you? Did anyone say anything?
Jerry
No I don't think so. I saw Newman as I was leaving but see me.
Elaine
Oh.
Scene 25
Jerry's Apartment
21 lines
A knock at the door prior to the reveal of Jerry's apartment; Morty is sitting at the table Helen closes the refrigerator to answer the door; Newman is revealed in his full Newman
Newman
Hello Mrs. Seinfeld
Helen
(like Jerry) Hello, Newman. Jerry's not here. (goes to shut the door on him)
Newman
Uh ah (stops her from closing the door; walks in) Having a nice trip? (walks over, grabs a junior mint, smells it then puts it in his pocket)
Helen
Wonderful, we went to the theater last night.
Newman
Oh the theater. Because I was wondering.
Helen
Wondering what?
Newman
Why I didn't see you at Schindler's List with Jerry.
Helen
Well we already saw it.
Newman
Oh, well it's a good thing for Jerry that you didn't go.
Morty
(getting up from the table and coming over) Why is that?
Newman
Well he really seemed to have his hands full if you know what I mean.
Helen
I'm afraid I don't.
Newman
Him and his little buxom friend Rachel were going at it pretty good in the balcony.
Morty
What?
Newman
What, do I have to spell it out for ya? He was moving on her like the storm-troopers into Poland.
Helen
Jerry was necking during Schindler's List?
Newman
Yes! A more offensive spectacle I cannot recall. Anyway I just really came up to get some detergent.
Helen
Jerry sends his laundry out.
Newman
(laughing) Oh ho right. Well very nice seeing you folks and a by the way you didn't hear this from me. Tata (runs down the hallway laughing)
Helen closes the door and looks at Morty in disgust
Scene 26
Jerry's Apartment-Later That Day
42 lines
Jerry enters; Morty is sitting on the couch writing, Helen is in the bathroom
Jerry
Hi (takes off his coat and puts it on the counter at which point his parents are both right by him as he goes into the refrigerator. He grabs a drink then turns around to see his parents right there) What? What did I do?
Helen
How could you?
Jerry
How could I what?
Helen
You were making out during Schindler's List?
Jerry
What? No.
Morty
Don't lie Jerry.
Jerry
(turns) Newman.
Helen
How could you do such a thing?
Jerry
I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone together in a long time and we just kinda started up a little during the coming attractions and the next thing we knew, the war was over.
Morty and Helen both sigh and turn to go back to what they were doing; Phone rings
Jerry
(answering the phone) Hello.
Jack in Florida with a bandage on his right hand
Jack
Hello Jerry, it's Jack Klompus.
Jerry
Hang on a second. (handing Morty the phone) Dad it's Klompus.
Morty
Hello
Jack
Hello Morty, listen that key doesn't work. It's no good.
Morty
You didn't get in?
Jack
Oh I got in, I had to break the window with a rock and then I got my hand all cut up reaching in.
Morty
You broke the window?
Helen
He broke the window?
Jack
You wanted those damn boxes didn't you?
Doris
(off camera) He should be on his hands and knees thanking you.
Morty
Did you send them?
Jack
Yea, they'll be there tomorrow afternoon, two o'clock.
Morty
Tomorrow afternoon?
Helen
Tomorrow afternoon?
Jerry
Tomorrow afternoon?
Morty
I told you to send them express.
Jack
W-well it was ten dollars cheaper in the afternoon than the morning, I figured what the hell's the difference.
Morty
So what did you do about the window?
Jack
I gotta fix your window now?
Morty
Alright alright, goodbye. (Morty hangs up the phone, Jack hangs up the phone) I don't think we are gonna make that flight.
Jerry
W-what do you mean you're not making the flight?
Helen
We have to make the flight, we're with a charter group. If we don't the trip is off.
Morty
Well what's the difference we'll go some place else.
Jerry annoyed walks toward his room
Helen
Some place else? What about Paris?
Morty
You don't understand, I've come this far, I can't stop now.
Helen
I can't believe that you're doing all this just to sell some stupid raincoats.
Morty
You don't understand fashion is cyclical this thing could come back.
Helen
I think you're out of your mind.
Scene 27
Costanza House
43 lines
Frank
I just don't understand how all those clothes can disappear.
George
Moths?
Frank
Moths, ate three boxes?
George
Well you know what happens with larvae hatch, they-they're everywhere.
Estelle
You know, I was thinking today. I never liked those Seinfelds anyway, he's an idiot all together. (Knocking at the door) Ah there's Kramer.
Estelle goes to answer the door
Kramer
(from outside) Hello?
Estelle
Hello
Kramer
(still outside) Helowwwowwow (Estelle opens the door) Hey (kisses Estelle hello) Ha ha, Good evening (George waves)
Estelle
Hope you're hungry. (goes into the kitchen)
Kramer
Ooo Paella
George
Hey uh let me take you're coat.
Kramer
(giving George his coat) Oh ya thanks buddy.
Frank
That shirt, where'd you get that shirt?
Kramer
Wha?
Frank
That's my cabana shirt, you stole my shirt you son of a bitch! (really fast) George you let your friends go up in my attic and steal my clothes? (grabbing at the shirt) Gimme that back
Kramer
(trying to get away) woah
George
Dad?!
Kramer
(laughs as Frank ends up tickling him; gets away) I bought it from Rudy.
George
Rudy?! That skunk, I knew he didn't burn those clothes.
Frank
Who's Rudy? What clothes?
George
I sold your clothes yesterday.
Frank
You sold my clothes (smacks George on the forehead) what do you mean you sold my clothes?
George
I didn't think you wore them anymore.
Frank
It's cruise wear!
Estelle
Kramer, I love that shirt.
Kramer
Yaya
Frank
THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S MINE!!
Estelle
You look just like Frank, on our honeymoon.
Kramer
Oh, well, thank you.
Estelle giggles
Frank
Who's this Rudy?
Kramer
Well Rudy's the guy buying Morty's raincoats.
Frank
Morty Seinfeld? He's a bum.
Kramer
Well, the whole deal going down tomorrow. Morty's gonna miss his plane for it.
George
Missing his plane? Wasn't that a charter flight?
Kramer
Yea.
George
What happens to charter tickets when you don't use em?
Kramer
Well I suppose they are wasted.
George
Yes I suppose they are.
Frank
Tomorrow I'm going straight down to this Rudy and get my clothes.
Kramer
A mouse!
Frank starts making noises; Kramer and Frank both run to the other room where they get stuff in between the door and wall; Frank hits Kramer to get him in then closes the door
Scene 28
Monk's Cafe
7 lines
Jerry and George enter
Jerry
You want the tickets?
George
Yes.
Jerry
You're gonna take this kid to Paris?
George
Hey I get a free trip to Paris, I go in the Big Brother's Hall-of-Fame, I mail my own postcards.
Jerry
You know I'm paying for these tickets.
George
It's alright, I got lunch.
Scene 29
Airport
20 lines
Kramer, Morty and Jerry standing at a luggage carousel
Kramer
Oh, you should have gone to the Costanzas' for dinner. Mmm the Paella was magnificent. Have you ever had really good Paella?
Morty
Not really.
Kramer
Oh it's a orgiastic feast for the senses. The want and the festival, the sites, sounds, and colors an mmmummumm mumm
Jerry
Hey Dad are you sure we are at the right carousel?
Morty
This is it.
Kramer
So how much are we gonna make?
Morty
Take it easy, I've been through a million of these negotiations.
Kramer
Wha two thousand? Three thousand?
Morty
That's giving it away. This is a one of a kind item.
Kramer
More? More than three thousand?
Morty
Just watch me do my thing.
Jerry
Say Dad, (pointing at a raincoat sitting on the carousel next to an open box) isn't that one of yours?
Morty
Look at this. Look at how this idiot packed it. He didn't tape it, he just flipped the flaps. (Kramer, Morty and Jerry are looking around grabbing raincoats which are scattered all over the place.) Kramer you missed a couple.
Woman
Bon-jour, welcome to the Gateway to Paris Charter Flight.
Jerry
(turns around noticing the Charter flight) Dad isn't that your charter group?
George and Joey enter the scene getting in line for the Charter Flight
George
Honesty, hard-work, these are the values that I was raised on. The most important thing Joey, is to be able to look yourself in the mirror before you go to sleep at night.
Joey
Hey! I got news for you four eyes, there's no way you're staying with us in Paris.
Joey walks by George to board the plane and puts his Gum on the wall.
Scene 30
Rudy's Antique Boutique
25 lines
Frank
You burned them? Those clothes are not yours to burn.
Rudy
Who are you anyways?
Frank
I'm the father.
Rudy
He said his father was dead.
Frank
He said I was dead?
Rudy
That's right. Squeezed an extra twenty-five dollars out of me.
Frank
That's what my life is worth to him? Twenty-five dollars.
Kramer and Morty enter with a bunch of raincoats
Kramer
Hey, Frank!
Frank
Oh, I just want to you know I'm retracting our dinner invitation.
Morty
Well you don't have to retract it because we never went.
Frank
I'm retracting that it was ever offered.
Morty
I retract your retraction.
Frank
Oh, you trying to unload some of that junk of yours?
Morty
Would you excuse me please, we're conducting business here.
Rudy
You can keep your raincoats. I'm not interested.
Kramer
I thought we had a deal?
Frank
That's another one of my shirts!!
Rudy
I'm not buying anymore clothes from anyone off the street.
Morty
Who's off the street? I'm in the raincoat business for thirty-five years.
Rudy
Ya how do I know there aren't moths like his stuff?
Frank
My clothes don't have moths!
Morty
Because of his moths you're not buying my raincoats?
Rudy
That's right.
Kramer
(laughing) I'm all ticklish. (a moth flies out of his shirt; they all look at it)
Scene 31
Airport
35 lines
Morty and Helen with a couple bags; Jerry, Elaine and Aaron saying good-bye
Announcement
Flight-433 now boarding for Miami, Gate 18a. Flight-433 now boarding.
Morty
Ok, let's go.
Helen
(to Aaron) It was so nice of you to come to the airport to see us off.
Aaron
Are you sure you can't stay a little longer?
Elaine & Jerry
NO.
Morty
Ah, good-bye.
Jerry hugs Morty; Helen and Elaine give each other a kiss
Elaine
Good-bye
Jerry
Take care
Morty
Alright Jer.
Morty and Elaine hug; Jerry and Helen give each other a kiss
Elaine
Nice to see..
Morty
Buh bye Elaine
Jerry
Buh bye.
Helen
Buh bye.
Aaron torn by emotion moves in and gives Morty and Helen a hug a hug
Helen
(looking at Jerry while being overly hugged by Aaron) We'll call you when we get home.
Aaron
Thank you.
Jerry
I think she meant me, but.
Morty
Make sure Kramer uses good tape when he sends back the raincoats.
Jerry
Ok.
Morty and Helen go to board the plane
Elaine
Bye.
Jerry
Bye.
Aaron begins to follow them
Elaine
Aaron? Aaron are you ok?
Aaron
I could've done more. I could've done so much more.
Elaine
You did enough.
Aaron
(turning toward her) No, I could've called the travel agency, got them on another flight to Paris, I coulda got them out.
Jerry
You tried Aaron, it was too expensive.
Aaron
(holds his arm up) This watch, this watch could've paid for their whole trip. (holds his other hand up) This ring, this ring is one more dinner I could've taken them out to. (Jerry and Elaine look at each other like he's crazy) Water, they need some water (turns around and runs to the Flight Agent)
Elaine
Why?
Aaron
(to the Flight Agent) They'll get dehydrated on the plane! Get the Seinfelds some water. Please! Please!
Jerry and Elaine continue to look at him funny
Scene 32
Rachel's Parents' Place
8 lines
Jerry knocks on the door; Mr. Goldstein answers
Jerry
Hi Mr. Goldstein is Rachel home?
Mr. Goldstein
I'm afraid Rachel's not going to be able to see you tonight, or any other night for that matter.
Jerry
Why what did I do?
Mr. Goldstein
(Rachel is know seen behind her Dad) You know very well. I heard about your behavior at the movies the other night it was disgraceful. You should be ashamed of yourself, I for one will not allow my daughter to be involved with someone of such weak moral fiber. Fortunately my postman happened to have witnessed the entire incident. A heavy set fellow, I believe he lives in your building. (Jerry turns to almost do a 'Newman') Now if you don't mind. (starts to close the door)
Jerry
Rachel!
Mr. Goldstein
(closing the door on Jerry) Good night!
Jerry
Rachel!
Scene 33
Monk's Cafe
24 lines
Jerry and Elaine at the normal booth
Jerry
So my parents get home, they open the door, my father flicks the light on, the whole place is cleaned out, everything.
Elaine
Aahh, (pushes Jerry from her seat at the table) Get Out! How did it happen?
Jerry
The broken window, Klompus never fixed it. They just walked right in.
Elaine
Oohh, boy. They could use a vacation.
Jerry
Yea they're taking one, the travel agent is trying to set something else up for them.
Elaine
(sighs) So how about that Aaron?
Jerry
Whew
Elaine
You know what drove me crazy about him? Did you ever notice that he stood too close to you when he talked?
Jerry
No I hadn't noticed.
Newman enters and walks by the table; Jerry doesn't notice him as he is getting something out of his coat pocket
Newman
(at the counter) Pair of bear claws please.
Jerry
(hearing Newman turns and sees him) Hiya Newman.
Newman
(moving away from the counter getting closer to the door) Hello Jerry.
Jerry
Say, I happened to catch you coming out of Schindler's List the other night.
Newman
Ohh, were you there?
Jerry
Yes I was.
Newman
(looking scared) I-it's a it's apowerful film.
Jerry
Yes, shocking brutality don't you think?
Newman
(couple quick breaths) Shocking.
Jerry
Yes, well that was nothing.
Newman makes a noise and takes off toward the door as Jerry gets up
Newman
(running out the door) Jerry! Jerry!
Jerry chases Newman right out the door
Scene 34
Paris
3 lines
George is sitting at an outside eatery in France with Joey
George
Where the hell is your father?!
George smiles and waves at a girl sitting at another table; Joey puts some stuff on George's glasses
Scene 35
Cruise Ship Out in the Ocean
5 lines
Estelle and Frank walking around on the boat
Estelle
This is the best thing we ever did.
Frank
I just hope those exterminators know what they're doing.
Estelle
Ah forget about them let's just
Frank and Estelle run into Morty and Helen
Scene 36
Closing Monologue
1 lines
Jerry
Personal distance is a very important thing. There's a new personal distance, ATM distance. When someone's using an ATM, you wanna be about six feet back don't you? Because people a little edgy around that ATM don't they? They got their money out, their eyes are darting all around. The other place I wanna be about six feet away is Urinals, you want some distance there too. ATMs and Urinals, I guess whenever someone's taking valuable out of their pants you want to give them as much room as possible.