Full screenplay script transcript for Seinfeld S05E03: The Glasses
16 Scenes366 Lines
Scene 1
Opening Scene
1 lines
I never get enough sleep. I stay up late at night, cause I'm Night Guy. Night Guy wants to stay up late. 'What about getting up after five hours sleep?', oh that's Morning Guy's problem. That's not my problem, I'm Night Guy. I stay up as late as I want. So you get up in the morning, you're alarm, you're exhausted, groggy, oooh you hate that Night Guy! See, Night Guy always screws Morning Guy. There's nothing Morning Guy can do. The only thing Morning Guy can do is try and oversleep often enough so that Day Guy looses his job and Night Guy has no money to go out anymore.
Scene 2
Jerry's Apartment
50 lines
Elaine and Jerry hang out the window
Elaine
Do you ever spit on anybody from here?
Jerry
No. You?
Elaine
No. Do you ever think about it?
Jerry
Yeah.
Elaine
Me too.
Kramer enters the apartment
Kramer
Hey.
Jerry
Hey.
Kramer
Well I got it!
Jerry
You got me the air conditioner?
Kramer
What do you think?
Jerry
Beautiful!
Elaine
What air conditioner?
Kramer
Well my buddy works in an appliance store and he got us thirty percent off.
Jerry
Is it a good one?
Kramer
Good one? It's the Commando 8.
Jerry
Commando 8?
Kramer
12,000 BTU's.
Elaine
I thought you hated air conditioning. You've never had an air conditioner.
Kramer
Yeah, but Amy likes air conditioning.
Elaine
Oooh, you're getting an air conditioner for Amy. (In a wining voice:) Amy doesn't like the temperature up here. She's a little hoooot.
Jerry
All right.
Kramer
Okay, so, I'm gonna measure the window up, okay buddy?
Jerry
Yeah.
Kramer
Yeah. (George enters the apartment wearing goggles) Yeah, rock on!
Kramer leaves the apartment
George
I gotta get out of this city.
Jerry
So you're tunneling to the center of the Earth? (Elaine laughs silently)
George
I'm at the health club and while I'm in the pool, some guy walks off with my glasses. Who steals prescription glasses?
Elaine
You don't have an old pair?
George
I broke 'em playing basketball.
Jerry
He was running from a bee. (Elaine laughs)
George
Now if I wanna see anything I gotta wear these.
Elaine
George, those are prescription goggles? What is there to see in a health club pool?
Jerry
There's a lot of change down there.
George
When I find that guy, this much I vow: those glasses will be returned to their rightful owner.
Jerry
We're behind you, Aquaboy. Godspeed!
Kramer enters the apartment
George
What kind of a sick, demented person wants another person's glasses?
Elaine
Yeah, especially those frames.
Kramer
You know what you ought to do? Go see my friend Dwayne at J & T Optical on Columbus Avenue. He'll give you thirty percent off.
George
Yeah, come on.
Jerry
Hey, he just got me thirty percent off on an air conditioner.
George
Really?
Kramer
Retail is for suckers.
George
Wow. Uh, what do I have to do?
Kramer
You just gotta mention my name.
George
That's it?
Kramer
That's it. (smacks George on the forehead with a ruler)
Scene 3
J & T Optical
64 lines
George tries on a pair of glasses
George
What about these?
Elaine
They look good. I liked the other one too. I've liked about five of them.
George
Well, it's a tough decision. I have to wear these every day. I'm deciding on a new face.
Jerry
(bored) Come on, George. Pick a face and go with it.
George tries on some black glasses whose frames are OVERLY large
Elaine
Now those look good, they're very bold.
Elaine begs George behind his back to pick a frame
George
Yes, they are bold. Jerry, what do you think?
Jerry
(While looking at posters of women wearing glasses) I think these women would be pretty good looking if they weren't wearing glasses.
A man with a dog enters the store
Elaine
Hi there, little doggy. (to owner:) Do you mind if I pet your dog?
Dog Owner
It's okay with me.
Elaine
Hey little doggy. (Elaine pets the dog and he bites her) Aaah!
Dwayne
Hey, you can't have that dog in here.
The man leaves the store taking his dog with him
Jerry
Are you okay? Did he bite ya?
George
Can you believe that guy?
Elaine
I'm okay, it's just a nip.
George
He just walked away! And once again I'm standing here like a little man. Well not this time! (George leaves the store and follows the dog owner) You! Dog man!
George, without his glasses, squints and it looks like he sees something interesting. He enters the store again
Elaine
My leg looks pretty bad.
Jerry
Oh I'm gonna take you over to the emergency room.
Elaine
Okay.
Jerry
(To George:) Hey, any luck? Did you catch 'em?
George
Uuh, no, no.
Jerry
All right, I'm gonna take Elaine over to the hospital.
George
(In a really strange way) Good, good, do that.
Jerry
What's the matter?
George
Oh, no, nothing.
Jerry
What is it?
George
I can't tell you.
Elaine
(pulling on Jerry's pants from the ground) Jerry, can we go?
Jerry
Yeah, yeah, in a second, in a second. (And to George:) What do you mean you can't tell me?
George
I can't tell you, don't ask.
Jerry
I'm asking!
Elaine
Jerry, my leg.
Jerry
Yeah, yeah, take care of it. (Jerry throws her some toilet paper) Come on, George, what is it?
George
I saw Amy making out with your cousin Jeffrey.
Jerry
What?
George
They were right outside!
Jerry
Amy and Jeffrey?
George
Yes!
Jerry
Are you sure?
George
Yes, positive.
Jerry
But you can't see, there's no lenses in those frames.
George
I know! I was squinting.
Elaine
Okay, listen, Jerry, you just catch up with me okay? You can just follow the trail of blood.
Jerry
We're gonna have to talk about this later. (Elaine holds the door open for Jerry while holding her leg) Thank you. Taxi!
Jerry and Elaine leave the store; George tries on another pair of glasses
George
(To the store owner:) Excuse me, what do you think of these?
Dwayne
Oh, we just got those in. It's a very exciting new frame.
George
Yes, it is exciting! All right, this is gonna be my new face.
Dwayne
All right, do you have a prescription?
George
Yeah. (George hands over the prescription) Kramer
Dwayne
What?
George
Kramer
Dwayne
What about him?
George
You do know Kramer?
Dwayne
Yes
George
Well, I'm mentioning his name.
Dwayne
Why?
George
Because you know
Dwayne
No, I don't know. Look, I'm gonna need a deposit on these.
Scene 4
Hospital
13 lines
Elaine and Jerry are at the hospital; Elaine's wound is being fixed up by a foreign doctor
Elaine
Oh, come on. Cousin Jeffrey? It's not possible!
Jerry
Why not? They could have met. She loves the park, he works for the Parks Department.
Elaine
Jerry, that is so ridiculous. But, George didn't even have his glasses on!
Jerry
But he was squinting.
Elaine
So what? Squinting doesn't make that much of a difference.
Jerry
Are you kidding? I've seen 'em squint. He can squint his way down to like twenty, thirty vision. Once we were driving down from the Catskills and he lost his glasses. He squinted his way from Wortsborough down to the Tappan Zee Bridge! He was spotting raccoons, on the road!
Docter
Okay.
Elaine
Okay? That's it? I don't need a shot?
Docter
Not shot, dog bite.
Elaine
No, no, no. I know I wasn't shot. Do I need a shot?
Docter
Not shot, dog bite. Woof woof, not bang bang.
the doctor exits the hospital room; Jerry and Elaine are shocked
Scene 5
Jerry's Apartment
35 lines
Jerry and Amy watch television
Jerry
Nah, look at this. Cable's out.
Amy
Oh that's okay, we don't have to watch tv.
Jerry
No, no, no. No trouble at all, it's a principal the thing. (Jerry picks up the phone and dials the number) I like them to know that I know what's going on. That they're not getting away with anything. Oh, I'm on hold. So, what did you do yesterday?
Amy
Yesterday?
Jerry
Yeah, you remember yesterday? Beautiful day good day to be out.
Amy
I didn't do anything.
Jerry
(laughing) Oh you must have done something.
Amy
No, nothing really.
Jerry
Didn't go out of the house? Didn't take a walk on Columbus Avenue?
Amy
Well, I did go out for a little while.
Jerry
Well, your day's getting more interesting already. (Jerry shows the phone) Ah, see, told me they'd be back in a minute and THEY lied.
Amy
You can't thrust anyone.
Jerry
No you can't. (hangs up the phone) Now let's cut the ball, sister! You think I don't know about you swapping spit with somebody yesterday on Columbus Avenue?
Amy
What are you talking about?
Jerry
Look, my friend saw you.
Amy
Saw me? With who?
Jerry
You tell me.
Amy
There's nothing to tell.
Jerry
There isn't?
Amy
No.
Jerry
Oh all right wanna get some pizza?
Amy stands up and walks away
Amy
I had a feeling this was to good to be true.
Jerry
Why?
Amy
I knew there had to be another side to you.
Jerry
No, no, there's no side!
Amy
There is a side, an ugly side.
Jerry
No, no, no ugly side.
Amy
Look, I think I'm gonna go.
Jerry
Why?
Amy
It's really hot in here.
Jerry
Uuh, so we can still go out on Friday though?
Amy
Yeah. When you getting an air conditioner?
Jerry
It's coming! It's a Commando 8! 12.000 BTU's! It's gonna be like a meat locker in here.
Scene 6
Jerry's Apartment
57 lines
Jerry
I was an idiot for listening to you!
George
Hey, I saw what I saw.
Jerry
Ooh, everything was going so well. She hadn't seen any flaws in me. Now she sees a side.
George
What side?
Jerry
A bad side, an ugly side.
George
Ooh, so what?
Jerry
So what? I wasn't planning on showing that side for another six months. Now you make me throw off the whole learning curve.
George
Why don't you just ask Jeffrey?
Jerry
Ah, he'd just deny it.
George
There must be some way to find out.
Jerry
Amy said nothing happened.
George
What, you're gonna take her word over mine? I'm your best friend!
Jerry
Yeah, but you're blind as a bat!
George
I was squinting! Remember that drive from Wortsborough? (snapping his fingers) I was spotting those raccoons.
Jerry
They were mailboxes, you idiot. I didn't have the heart to tell you.
George
(noticing something) Hey look, a dime.
George walks over to the other end of the room and picks up a dime
George
Heh, Mercury head. You mind?
Jerry
(Stunned:) No, keep it. (Elaine enters the apartment) Hey what happened to you? You buzzed five minutes ago.
Elaine
There was a dog in front of the building and it spooked me. I couldn't come in until he left.
Jerry
A little white dog?
Elaine
Yeah.
Jerry
Snowball? You were afraid of Snowball?
Elaine
I'm afraid of dogs now.
Jerry
He's like a squirrel.
Elaine
Well he frightened me.
George
Did you get the shot?
Elaine
No. He said I didn't need a shot.
George
You got bit by a strange dog and you didn't get a rabies shot?
Elaine
What, you think I should have?
George indicates 'yes'
Jerry
You know, you should just go back to the optical store and ask Dwayne if he knows the name of the owner of the dog.
Elaine
All right, that's a good idea. I'm gonna do that.
Kramer enters the apartment
Kramer
The AC is on it's way.
George
Pardon me, I went to see your friend Dwayne there was no discount.
Kramer
What?
George
That's right, no discount!
Kramer
Well did you mention my name?
George
Yes, I mentioned your name.
Kramer
And?
George
Pbbbs, Bubkis!
Kramer
Now I don't believe this. That guy owes me big time. I got him off sugar! Look, I'm gonna go down there with you right now.
George
All right, let me just I'm gonna grap an apple.
Jerry
Hey, Kramer, Elaine's afraid of Snowball!
Kramer
Little Snowball? He runs on batteries!
George takes a bite out of an onion
Elaine
You know, George, that's an onion.
George
Yes it is.
And he takes another bite
Elaine
He couldn't tell an apple from an union and he's your eye witness?
George
I saw them making out, you can believe it.
Jerry
I don't know what to believe! You're eating unions, you're spotting dimes, I don't know what the hell is going on.
Kramer
Look, all you gotta to do, is get Amy and Jeffrey together somewhere, that's it.
Jerry
Hey wait a second, wait a second. I'm going over to Jeffrey's apartment tomorrow night to pick up these Paul Simon tickets. I'm gonna surprise Amy. All I gotta do is bring her with me. And then when Jeffrey opens the door, it's Howdy Doody time.
Six months ago you were eating four of those for breakfast and chasing it with a ring ding. And two butter fingers on the train. Sounds familiar?
Dwayne
Put that away!
Kramer
Remember that night I found you at Dinky Donuts? You were all *hopped* up on cinnamon swirls! They wouldn't serve you anymore! You wouldn't even have any teeth if it wasn't for me taking you over to Joe's fruit stand and stuffin' cantaloupe down your throat! So much for gratitude yeah, yeah, yeah!
Dwayne
All right, all right, all right! I'll give him the discount, just put that thing away! This squares us.
Elaine
Can I just have the name
Dwayne
Out!
Kramer
We'll see you Dwayne.
Scene 8
Jerry's Apartment
35 lines
George shows Jerry his glasses
Jerry
I don't know what to tell you, Elton.
Elaine
(While reading a book:) Oh oh, listen to this, this is not good, listen to these symptoms for rabies: anxiety, irritability. I got those, I'm irritable!
Jerry
(To George:) Who picked these out?
George
I did!
Jerry
They're ladies' glasses! You know all you need is that little chain around your neck so you can wear 'em while you're playing Canasta.
George
Well Elaine was supposed to help me.
Elaine runs over to George and starts screaming
Elaine
Hey! I got bit by a dog! I had to go to the hospital! I was bleeding to death! I can't solve every little problem you have!
Jerry
Hey, hey.
Elaine
I'm sorry sorry.
Kramer enters the apartment with the air conditioner in his arms
Kramer
Commando 8 has arrived!
Jerry
Take it to the window.
Kramer
12.000 BTU's of raw cooling power. (Kramer places the air conditioner in the window) Installed!
George
That's it? You don't have to screw it in or anything?
Kramer
No, just plug it in and the Commando 8 does the rest. (And to Jerry:) I'll seal that up later, right?
Jerry
Just in time for Amy.
George
Oh yeah, when are you gonna execute that plan?
Elaine
I've got such a headache. Oh, that's another symptom!
Kramer
Of what?
Jerry
Rabies.
Kramer
Oh that's fatal, you don't want that!
Elaine runs over to Kramer and starts screaming again
Elaine
I know I don't want it! I don't need you to tell me what I don't want, you stupid hipster dufus!
Jerry
Hey, hey, what is this? What's going on here?
Elaine
I'm sorry, Kramer, I'm sorry.
Kramer
No, no, it's all right. I had a friend who had rabies once. (George's eating chips) May I have one of those, madam?
George
Madam? What are you calling me madam for?
Kramer
They're ladies' glasses.
Kramer takes George's glasses and shows him the inside
Kramer
Now look here, see it's right here: Gloria Vanderbilt Collection.
George
He sold me ladies' glasses!
Elaine
I I think I'm I'm having trouble swallowing. I can't I can't swallow.
Kramer
She's got rabies, just like my friend Bob Sacamano. She's delirious. (Elaine drinks some water and drools) She's foaming at the mouth!
Scene 9
Hospital
3 lines
Elaine
Is this gonna hurt?
Docter
Yes, very much.
Elaine gets the shot
Scene 10
Jerry's Apartment
10 lines
Elaine
What if Jeffrey's not home. Did you ever think of that?
Jerry
Oh he'll be home, it's Friday night. That's the big night on the Nature Channel.
Elaine
Let me tell you this: there is no way cousin Jeffrey is dating Amy. He looks like a horse!
Jerry
He does look like a horse.
Elaine
Yeah, he's got a real horse face. (Elaine, while looking out the window:) Here, look at this! It's the guy with the dog! (She opens the window and screams:) Hey! Hey! You down there! Remember me? I had to get shot because of your stupid dog!
Dog Owner
Hey who are you calling stupid?
Jerry
Hey, shall we spit on him?
Elaine
No no no no, come on, let's go downstairs.
Kramer enters the apartment
Kramer
(Singing:) Oh myyyy papayaaaa. (The air conditioner wobbles) The air conditioner! (Kramer tries to keep it from falling by holding it's cord, but it snaps) I think it got the dog!
Scene 11
New York Health Club's Locker Room
10 lines
George is drying himself
George
Ah, Oh boy.
Blind Man
Excuse me, uh I'm new here, would you mind walking me back to my locker?
George
Oh uuh, sure, why not. (the blind man hangs on to George's arm) Hey, that's the guy.
Blind Man
What guy?
George
The guy that stole my glasses. This time I got 'em! (George follows the man onto the street, dragging the blind man with him) Would you pick it up a little?
Blind Man
Where the hell are we going?
George
He's getting on a bus, damn! (To the blind man:) Those are nice glasses.
Blind Man
I don't like 'em, they pinch my nose.
George
Is that right?
Scene 12
J & T Optical
15 lines
George has taken the blind man with him
George
Dwayne, my friend and I would like to exchange frames. Could you put his lenses in my frames and mine in his?
Dwayne
(While eating a candy bar:) Yeah, we can do that.
George
And I'd like a discount.
Dwayne
Why should I give you a discount.
George
Listen, you're lucking I'm not asking for a whole refund. (trying to speak quietly) You gave me ladies' frames!
Blind Man
What's that about ladies' frames?
The man with the dog enters and the dog wears a collar
Dog Owner
I'm trying to track down that lady that was in here the other day, the one that was messing with my dog.
George
Yeah, well, she's trying to track you down.
Dog Owner
Well I would love to talk with her. (George chuckles) She lives on 81st Street, right?
George
No, that's Jerry.
Dog Owner
Really? You wouldn't happen to know what apartment he's in, would you?
George
Yeah, 5A!
Dog Owner
Thanks a lot!
Scene 13
In Front of Jeffrey's Apartment
39 lines
Amy
So what are we doing here?
Jerry
Oh, you'll find out.
Amy
I don't know, you're acting very mysteriously.
Jerry
Well, I'm very mysterious by nature. (Jerry knocks on the door) A lot of women find that attractive.
Amy
I find it annoying.
Jerry
Oh?
Uncle Leo opens the door
Uncle Leo
Helloooo!
Jerry
Uncle Leo?!
Uncle Leo
Come on in.
Jerry
This is Amy.
Uncle Leo
Hello Amy.
Jerry
Unlce Leo, what are you doing here?
Uncle Leo
Jeffrey went out tonight.
Jerry
Ooh! Very convenient.
Uncle Leo
I'm supposed to tape this nature show for him, he loves nature. Botany, zoology. You know his botany teacher from college stays in close touch with him? They became friends!
Jerry
Oh really?
Uncle Leo
That's pretty rare! I mean, actual friends! Like equals! They have dinner together, they have discussions
Jerry
Uncle Leo! Did he leave any tickets here for me?
Uncle Leo
Oh yeah yeah, I'll get 'em.
Jerry
Thank you.
Amy
What tickets?
Jerry
To the Paul Simon concert in the park!
Amy
We're going to the Paul Simon concert?
Jerry
That's right, lady!
Amy
Oh what a great surprise!
Jerry
I thought you'd like that.
Amy
Oooh, so that's why you've been acting so mysteriously.
Jerry
Now you know. That, and that alone, is the reason.
Uncle Leo
You know Jeffrey's favorite animal: the leopard.
Amy
Why is that?
Uncle Leo
He likes the spots. Oh uh, here's the tickets.
Jerry
Thank you.
Uncle Leo
Oh uh, he asked me to give you a message. He said that uh he's very sorry and uh he hopes you'll forgive 'em.
Jerry
(To Amy:) Aha! So it's true! You were making out with him!
Amy
What are you talking about, I don't know Jeffrey. Oh so this is why you brought me up here?
Jerry
Oh very convincing, but it's not gonna work this time.
Uncle Leo
What are you talking about? All he meant was that he was sorry that the seats aren't very good.
Jerry
Oh oh wanna get some pizza?
Scene 14
In Front of J & T Optical
7 lines
George is walking with the blind man
George
Boy, these really do pinch the nose.
George takes of his glasses
Blind Man
Tough luck! A deal's a deal.
George looks and see what he thinks is Amy and Jeffrey without his glasses
George
Oh my God it is them.
George puts on his glasses again and sees it's a policewoman kissing a horse; realizing this George's reaction says "I stand corrected"
Scene 15
New York Health Club Locker Room
5 lines
George and Jerry after a workout
Jerry
I still don't know how you spotted that dime. I think you planted it. Plus I had to pay that vet bill for the stupid dog. I don't know how that guy got my name.
While Jerry goes to tie his shoes George nods his head knowing it was him
George
Yeah. Hmm. Boy these really do pinch. I tell you, if I ever find the son of a bitch that stole my glasses
The camera shows George's glasses on top of his locker
Scene 16
Closing Monologue
2 lines
But I wanna know, when did glasses go from being this carefully crafted medical apparatus to just this mall impulse item? 'Honey, I'm going out for a yogurt and a pair of trifocals do you need anything?' It's always glasses in about an hour. How much are they? 75 bucks. Well here's 72 and that's about 75 ok? Oh are you trying to coordinate it with the one hour photo place, is that the idea? 'Oh yea give me the glasses, my pictures are coming out right now I need to see 'em.' A then they have those Woolworth glasses you know. They're there, they're there now. No eye examine you don't have any idea what is wrong with your eyes and the glasses are made up they are ready and waiting so you can just walk in, 'thank you, bye.' And just walk right into a wall. Bang.
