The Stall

The whale is supposed to be such an intelligent animal. You know you always here about how they can communicate by song from miles away. How extensive their vocabulary is. I would say from the rate we are pushing the whales off the beach back into the ocean the words shore and close do not appear to be in their vocabulary. I would say if the whales concentrate a little less on the singing and a little more on approaching Quervo beach volleyball tournament. If you wanna maintain the brainy mammal image.

Oh, I can't believe this. What a dope! uh..excuse me umm.. I'm sorry this is.. this is kind of embarrassing but.. there's no toilet paper over here

(from the stall on Elaine's right) Are you talking to me?

yeah.. I I just forgot to check so if you could just spare me some.

No I'm sorry

What?

No I'm sorry, I can't spare it

you can't spare it??

no there's not enough to spare

well I don't need much, just 3 squares will do it

I'm sorry I don't have a square to spare, now if you don't mind

3 squares? you can't spare 3 squares??

no I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a square

oh is it two-ply? cause it it's two-ply I'll take one ply, one ply, one puny little ply, I'll take one measly ply

look, I don't have a square and I don't have a ply (flushing and leaving)

No no, no no, don't don't, I beg you

(eating pop corn) hmm I love this artificial flavoring I like it better than butter I think it's more consistent

you would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom

what?

hey

Hey. Hey? where is my popcorn babe?

what?

my popcorn, you were supposed to get me popcorn what? would you forget about me babe?

you would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom

I mean.. a person needs a certain amount of toilet paper to be covered.. I simply could not spare it this woman just didn't get it, she kept harassing me

3 squares!! that's all I was asking for! 3 squares!

she wouldn't stop "help me! help me!" she was insane

I was begging her "please! please!" she was insane

who do you think she is? how dare she? you want me to get the manager? too bad they don't have those old ladies walking around with flashlights anymore we'd flush her out

I don't know what she looks like

I wonder where Elaine is sitting? I really wanted you to meet her she's supposed to be here tonight with her new boyfriend Tony

hmm where is Jerry sitting? he's supposed to be here tonight with his new girlfriend I'm dying to see what she looks like

hey? you think if I jumped off that balcony I'd get hurt?

hey

hey

hey guy, can I use your phone in your bedroom?

what's the matter with yours?

huh.. my batteries are dead

It's not one of those 976 calls, is it?

look come on, let me use it, 5 minutes, I'll pay you back huh?

why do you do that?

oh (goes to the bedroom)

I am never going back to the movies again

hey where were you last night? I looked for you, I didn't see you

I looked for you too, I was all the way over on the side

oh with huh.. pretty boy.. Tony

yeah

hey hey (fooling around with his collar)

yeah, all right ok

Tony, hey hey (continues fooling)

that's nice. Listen, listen to this I am in the bathroom, right before the movie starts

huh huh

I'm in the stall and there's no toilet paper

no what?

toilet paper

oh.. whoa..

so I ask this woman in the stall next to me for some and she refuses! ha ha

well maybe she couldn't spare it

a square?

well, you know, sometimes a square is everything

a ply?

Elaine, you cannot judge a person on a situation like that. I mean it's like asking for someone's canteen in the desert

yeah

it's battle conditions

yeah, well I just hope I run into her again ok, cause I will never forget that flinty voice, it is tattooed in my brain if I hear it, watch out So listen what happened with Jane last night?

oh.. Jane she uh.. she uh..

the four of us are going out Saturday right? That should be fun

yeah that should be real fun

you know what, it's getting late, can I call Tony?

yeah

then we'll get a cab and we'll do it in the back seat.. how's that Andre?

Andre?

(on the phone) what about the driver? we could get an accident

oh that wouldn't be very good

(on the phone) hey Andre, get the hell off the phone!

what, what is going on? what.. who is Andre?

Kramer's Andre, he's fooling around with these 976 numbers (Kramer walks out of the bedroom) hey I told you, I don't want you doing that on my phone

Jerry, I'm telling you, this phone sex thing is hilarious, like this woman Erika, here look (showing the ad in the newspaper). You gotta call her, the voice she uses..

hey you know it's weird because that voice sounded a little familiar to me

hey, you're hungry? Monk's?

no I gotta go downtown

oh wait, you're giving me a lift home right?

yeah

so listen, what happened last night with Jane?

oh uh nothing, she just.. choked on a jujube

you know I hate to tell you this, but it's time to defrost that freezer

I know, I just can't bring myself to do it meanwhile that freezer keeps getting smaller and smaller (she smiles) (Elaine looks at her watch) oh, don't wanna keep Tony waiting

hey you got a problem with Tony?

hunky.. Tony.. hey hey hey (fools around with his collar again)

ok, Jerry, I would be going out with him no matter what he looked like

of course you would

oh yeah, oh.. like you're one to talk

Elaine

what?

different for a man

uh?

we're expected to be superficial

I'm not being superficial

Elaine, he's a.. he's a male bimbo, he's a mimbo

he's not a mimbo, he's an exciting, charismatic man he just happened to have a perfect face

and that's why you're going out with him

no it is not

you know, I think George has a non-sexual crush on him

I think he does too

I mean, every time I see him, it's Tony this, Tony that. George is like a school girl around him

so I said uh.. "hey dude, you better step off"

"step off"?

yeah

you said "step off"? wow, that is too much hey..huh hey (George turns the cap his wearing backwards like Tony) Tony, I huh, I just had this brainstorm for us. Can you guess what it is?

no

bowling! what do you say bowling? bowling's insane! bowling is crazy time

bowling? I don't think so George you get no rush from bowling

rush? you want a rush? drop a ball on your toe my friend, talk about a rush, you'll be throbbing, you'll see visions

no no no no, I'm thinking.. rock-climbing

all right! rock-climbing! J..just the 2 of us? alright! hey I'll make some sandwiches, what what do you like? tuna? peanut butter?

what.. whatever

alright alright, I gotta buy some bread

yeah yeah, you know I'm definitely down for some rock-climbing

me too, I am down, I am totally down, mark me down

cool, so what do you say we climb a rock mañana?

uh.. mañana? huh mañana might.. huh mañana might be a problem, I'm supposed to have huh a boil lanced mañana. Huh you know I think they charge me if I cancel with only one mañana's notice

hey Kramer

hey

hey, hey Kramer my man, what are you doing mañana?

mañana I'm doing nada

what do you say you scale some rock with me and George?

uh Tony? there's not gonna be too many sandwiches

c'mon Kramer what do you say?

huh Kramer it's huh.. gonna be pretty dangerous up there

Na, I am down

yes.. alright buddy, take it easy Kramer you down to it George? what's wrong?

Oh no, I am down!

rock climbing? hehe.. where do you come off going rock climbing.. rock climbing? you need a boost to climb into your bed (Elaine laughs)

alright alright

yeah yeah what is it with you and Tony? what are you? it's like his sidekick now?

yeah that's right. I like it. He's such a cool guy

cool guy? what are you, in 8th grade?

he's the first cool guy I've ever been friends with in my whole life. You know.. it's a different world when you're with a cool guy, he's not afraid of anybody. You should hear the way he talks to waitresses.. he gets free pie!

hey

hey nice move today

what?

horning on my rock climbing trip. It's just supposed to be me and Tony

he asked me

you put him on the spot

you know I think you are in love with him

what?.. that's ridiculous!

no no no, I don't think so. You love him

you better be careful on those rocks tomorrow buddy. And you're not getting any sandwiches either

you're making sandwiches?

hello

well I don't know if there's gonna be any place to eat up there

who?

Hey Elaine, does Tony like peanut butter?

hates it

good thing I asked

(to Kramer): who is it?

well she says Jane

yeah, so?

well that voice, it's very familiar.. throaty, almost flinty

did you say flinty?

yeah yeah, (in a flinty voice) flinty

(singing) yodel lay hee hoo! yodel lay hee hoo! hello! (Kramer jumps around George from one side to an other)

hello

hey George, hear that?

please please I don't want to die up here. please, stop moving that's all I'm asking.. Kramer!!

let go, hey grab the rock

what rock?

the rock

uh oh..

you gotta relax.. try the yodel (chanting) yodel lay hee hoo

(sobbing) yodel lay hee hoo..

(chanting) yodel lay hee hoo

(sobbing) yodel lay hee hoo..

(voice from below) George! Kramer!

yeah!

take the rope, thread it through the carabiniere and knot it, and I'll climb up to where you are

alright.. George you got it? (gives him the rope)

yeah

hey George, you got anything to eat dude?

(taking it out of his jacket pocket) yeah I got some sandwiches.. I got tuna.. and salmon salad Tony because I know you don't like peanut butter

what?

dude aah.

ahh..!!

oh look at that I got oil all over me. Can I have your napkin?

what?

you napkin I'm dripping

well where is your napkin?

I used it up

well I need mine (looks at her watch) oh god loot at the time, I gotta get to work

you know I'd like to hear about this job of yours

I told you already it's very boring you know I think I got a little too much garlic, can I have a piece of gum

you're fine (goes to the bathroom)

oh how does this thing work?

just press it

it's Elaine

oh come on up

(coming out from the bathroom) who was it?

it's Elaine

oh..huh.. is she coming up?

yeah

oh.. uh.. you know your breath is a little garlicky you better take some gum.

ok

Yeah have a couple of pieces, weak, weak gum yeah

hmm

have some more, take some for the road.

isn't it too much?

trust me.. nah it's good

smell?

yeah stinks, terrible

hi Elaine

hi

this is Jane Elaine

hi, nice to meet you finally

it's so nice to meet you (chewing) I look forward to Saturday night

yeah me too

ok so I'll see you Saturday night

Saturday night (she leaves)

what is with the gum?

I know it's a big problem.. she puts like four pieces in her mouth, it's ridiculous, I don't think we're gonna be able to get together on Saturday night

because of the gum

well it's too much, it's embarrassing

why does she have to chew so many?

she's one of these people, always have to be different

she's there, I can hear her

alright, who's gonna tell her

huh you tell her

it was your fault

if you hadn't come, this whole thing wouldn't have happen (back on Jerry and Elaine's side, we can hear George saying "I was the one who was invited", Jerry opens the door)

well

hey

hey

what are you doing here?

did you have fun

yeah

for a little while

where's Tony?

oh..

uh..

Kramer was supposed to tie a knot

whoa whoa ginga, you were supposed to tie the knot

did something happened?

Well, Tony.. took a bit of a tumble

his face, did something happen to his face?

well it all depends on what you mean by.. happen

he..he's alive

yeah

what happened to his face, tell me, what happened to his face

Well you see he slipped, and he landed on a kinda of a..

rock

yeah.. the ambulance got there very quickly

it was a big rock

we rode along all the way to the hospital

yeah I sang 99 bottles of beer on the wall

well aside from that from that, how did he like the sandwiches?

so huh, what did the doctors say?

they said huh.. they said I'm coming along (Tony's face is covered by bandages)

but what else did they say

well, they said huh Tony, try to keep it clean

right yeah.. no I mean did they get into stuff like a.. long jagged scars or.. gross deformities, major skin grafts, stuff like that

I really don't remember, I was kinda out of it for the 1st couple of days, I was on a lot of medication, it was kinda like haze, it was pretty cool

huh (smiles) but huh, in this medicated haze, in this woozy state, um do you recall the words.. radical reconstructive surgery being uttered?

I don't know, I don't know

think Tony, think

I'm drawing a blank, babe

Excuse me.

Hi Elaine

this isn't a very good time George

I just wanted to talk to Tony for a minute (hands Elaine some stuff)

step off George, I don't wanna see you

me? "step off"

yeah, Tony says you better step off George

but..why, it wasn't my fault, I .. you asked me a sandwich, I .. I make such delicious sandwiches Elaine

just beat it dude!

here Elaine here, Superman (hands a comic book to Elaine, who passes it to Tony) please, next time it will only be the two of us

there won't be any next time George

oh Tony don't

ok step off George, can u just step off?

I I just.. but..

Bye bye (shuts the door) oh.. (opens it back) George wait wait

yes?

would you throw this trash out (closes the door)

I've been waiting a while for this. You know it's a shame Tony got all banged up, we're not gonna be able to get together on Saturday night

Oh that is too bad, what a shame

yeah, it's a damn shame, a damn shame!

well maybe he's feeling better

yeah without a doubt, I'm down (Kramer enters) oh hey how're you doing? Jane this is my neighbor Kramer

hey

hello Kramer (he acts all weird, a la Kramer)

well hello Jane

Jerry told me so much about you, I feel like I know you intimately

(very quickly) oh I don't think so, no we never met, I never talked to you before on the phone, alright I'll see you later buddy

wait, where are you going? where are you going?

uptown, to the Y

oh I'm going uptown too, you wanna split a cab?

what about the driver?

what are you talking about?

alright I changed my mind, uh yeah I don't think I'm not gonna go now

well ok I'll see you later,

Ok.

nice meeting you

See ya. (Jane Leaves; after the door closes Kramer jumps in shock) what's with you?

that's her

who?

Erika, she's Erika

oh you think she's Erika, the phone sex woman

Jerry, that voice is tattooed on my brain, I'm telling you it's her

oh you're crazy

Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?

It's impossible

iIs it? Or is it so possible your heard is spinning like a top?

it can't be

Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?

alright that's enough

yeaaaaah!

he's supposed to get the bandages off on Sunday.. what if?

what?

you know (acts like a monster)

oh you're afraid he might look like Zippy the pinhead

yeah I mean, I mean what is my obligation here, you know we were just dating, it was probably gonna be over in a couple of weeks anyway

oh I though you didn't care about his looks

I lied

aha

are you kidding, he's a mimbo I know that.. but he's my mimbo, you know and even if he is a hideous freak maybe, maybe I can learn to love him, maybe in some final irony (Jerry is looking the other way), I'll learn what love really is. You know Jerry

oh I'm sorry I didn't get most of that.. isn't that Kramer over there?

yeah, yeah

hey Kramer

what? hey (walks by Jerry and Elaine's table) it's all set

what's all set?

Erika is gonna meet me here, now we're gonna find out the truth

how's you get her to meet here?

I don't know, we have a certain chemistry

oh my god

hi I thought I'd find you here

hello.. Erika

Erika? what are you talking about?

how can u say things like that over the phone?

what things? What are you talking about?

selling sexual pleasure over the phone?

I sell paper goods you jerk

paper goods?

excuse me, do you have a tissue?

No, I'm sorry, I can't spare it, there's not enough to spare

Where's the ladies' room (Kramer points her)

I have to go to the bathroom too (runs to be ahead of Jane; Jane stops and looks back at Jerry; Jerry shugs)

THE BATHROOM

oh damn

something.. wrong?

yeah there's no toilet paper in here, I usually check but would you mind?

I can't, I don't have it, I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a square

Hey, wait a minute, I know you

that's right honey, and I know you!

no, no, no!!!

here, take it

thanks

(walks out of the bathroom, very furious; to Jerry) don't call me anymore

(to Kramer, in a very sensual voice) you either

Now of the course the thing is Extreme sports. Bungie jumping. To me if Bungie jumping is a sport so is being a crash test dummy. Just leaning does not make it a sport. It's like a Wiley Coyote idea isn't it? The thing I wonder about the sky diving is why do they even bother with the helmets? Can you almost make it? Why don't they just wear a party hat? What's the difference? You jump out of a plane from twenty thousand feet in the air the chute doesn't open I got news for you, the helmet is now wearing you for protection. Later on the helmet's talking to the other helmets going "boy it's a good thing he was there or I would have hit the ground directly."