The Puerto Rican Day

Man, I'm starving.

How can you be hungry after what you ate at that Mets game?

Because ballpark food doesn't count as real food.

Right. It's just an activity. It's like that paddle with the ball and the rubber band.

You know, my friend Bob Saccamano made a fortune off of those. See he came up with the idea for the rubber band. Before that, people would just hit the ball, and it would fly away.

I can't believe you all made me leave before the end of the game.

Oh, come on, Jerry. It was 9 to nothing. We were getting shellacked.

Those nachos are killing me.

I thought you were hungry.

It's complicated.

Come on, Jerry, you're going to miss the exit.

Keep your shirt on. I got it.

Watch out for that maroon Golf.

Oh, boy.

Look at this guy. He's trying to box me out.

I'll tell you when you can go. Wait, wait, wait, Wait-- now, now, now. No, no, no. Go, go! No, no. Wait-- now, now! Now! Jerry! Go--ahh...

Oh, calm down, maroon Golf. He thinks I cut him off. He accelerated.

You want me to moon him? Ooh, let's moon him. Roll up your window. Let's do a pressed ham under glass.

Oh, no, I couldn't do that.

Look at this, look at this. He's giving us the finger.

Oh, all right.

Yeah.

So I saw that new movie about the Hindenburg.

Oh, yeah. What's that called?

Blimp: The Hindenburg Story.

How was it?

I found it morose. Why dwell on these negative themes?

Yeah. They should make a movie about all the Hindenburg flights that made it.

Anyway, right in the middle, the ship blows up-- burning debris, bodies falling-- and then just as this eerie silence settles over the airfield, I yelled out, "That's gotta hurt!"

Heh.

The place went nuts.

Imagine the laugh you could have gotten if you'd yelled that out at the actual disaster.

Yeah.

Why are we slowing down?

What is that music?

What's with all these flags?

Oh, no.

It's the Puerto Rican Day parade!

Ohh! Oh, the city shuts down Fifth avenue. They never let anyone through. We're never getting home.

All right. I'm gonna check it out. Aiee. mucho trafico.

PUERTO RICAN DAY PARADE.

Yeah...uhh...well, the streets are all blocked. I think every Puerto Rican in the world is out here.

Well, it is our day.

Whoo. Wrong car. Sorry.

And the Mets score two in the eighth inning.

See? If we had stayed, we could have seen those runs.

I could have had some ice cream. I think that might have calmed down the nachos.

I'm going to miss 60 Minutes. You know, I hate to miss 60 Minutes. It's part of my Sunday weekend wind-down.

I don't know how you can unwind with that clock ticking. It makes me anxious.

All right, gentlemen, I scouted it out. I think we can get out over there.

But that's a one-way street coming this way. Besides, how am I gonna get all the way over there?

Just inch over. You worm your way.

Just do it, Jerry. Uhh. This exhaust. I'm gonna throw up.

You know, you should make yourself throw up.

Huh?

You know you're going to.

All right, I'm worming.

Hey, Jerry. You know who the grand marshal is of this thing? None other than Miss Chita Rivera.

They're not letting me in.

My hand is out.

Well, I think we're gonna need more than a hand. They have to see a human face.

You sure you want his face?

No, no, no. It was María Conchita Alonso.

This guy's giving me the stare-ahead.

The stare-ahead. I hate that. I use it all the time.

Look at me! I am man! I am you!

All right, he's letting you in. Thank you! Creep.

Oh! I know who it is. Stacy Keach.

One more lane to go.

All right! We're here!

Oh, look who's here. My old buddy, black Saab.

Maroon Golf.

Where you goin', black Saab? You seem to be a tad askew.

Could you move your car back a little?

Oh. Sorry. I seem to have cut you off.

All right, I think I know where this is going, and I am going somewhere else.

You can't do that. You can't just leave the group.

I've been trying to leave this group for 10 years. Vaya con dios.

Con dios? Well, that's rude.

Can you believe her?

Yeah. I'll see you later.

Where are you going?

The movies. Blimp is playing right there.

You're going to that again? Why? Just to do that stupid line?

It's a performance, Jerry. Like what you do.

That's not what I do.

Isn't it?

Maybe a little. Ah, hell, I guess it is.

You know, actually, Jerry, you haven't worked a room that big in a while.

TAXIS STUCK IN TRAFFIC

Look at that guy's dog. I hate it when their ears get flipped inside out like that. Why doesn't he fix it?

Hey! Fold your dog's ear back!

Ooh! This isn't moving! I could walk faster than this.

No, you can't.

Yes, I can. Here. I'm outta here.

Oh, now it's moving. Oh, yeah. I knew it. Hey! Hey!

Where to?

That's cute. That's really cute. Oh! Come on! All right. Bye again.

Hey. Taxi! Taxi!

Ladies. I, uh, I haven't seen this before.

What is that dot?

Oh, I think someone has one of those funny laser pointers.

Gimme a box of those and one of those.

Excuse me, are you the guy with that funny laser?

The laser's not funny. I'm funny.

Yeah. The thing is, I, uh...I had this little zinger of my own I wanted to try.

Uh-huh.

It's right in the explosion scene. So if you could just...leave me a little window. You know, my, uh, my aunt had a thing removed with a laser. All right, I don't want to interrupt your meal, so...

I've gotta see this game. If it wasn't for this guy, we could get out of here.

This traffic's a killer, ain't it?

You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away.

Walk away?

You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and then you get another one free.

Isn't there a deductible?

All right, what is your deductible?

I don't know.

Yes, because they've already deducted it.

From what?

The car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car.

We're not leaving the car!

All right. If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf.

Absolutely not. He sped up.

Swung on, line hard toward left center field. That's in the gap, that's a base hit.

I'm ready to talk.

Hey! There's that laser guy again.

He's funny. I never meet anyone funny.

I know. A sense of humor is so much more important to me than looks or hair.

Mmm, yeah.

That's gotta hurt!

It's...gotta hurt! Hurt! Because...Aaarrrrrgh!

Damn you, laser guy! You had to grab it all with your lowbrow laser shtick! You're just a prop comic! Where's the craft?!

Look! It's on the bald guy.

I am so glad we came to this showing.

Ok, here's the deal. He wants you to acknowledge that you cut him off with an "I am sorry" wave.

What's that?

You raise the hand, lower the head-- "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The buttons are really big on the car. I don't understand it. I haven't read the manual. Ooh!" You get my drift.

Ok!

Hallelujah. Praise the lord. But I'll take it.

Yes! All right, Lamar, back it up a little bit so we can get out now.

All right. At last, we're finally gettin' out of here.

What's that on your forehead?

It's probably chocolate.

Hey, is that one of those laser pointers?

Hey, Jerry, crank up the Floyd. It's a George laserium!

All right, stop it! Stay away from my breasts! Chest!

See ya around maroon Golf. And, by the way, that was an "I'm not sorry" wave.

What was that?

I'm glad I cut you off, because black Saab rules! So long, jackass!

Elaine?!

Jerry?!

Jackass? So I'm a jackass now?

So if everyone would just put their cars in reverse at the same time, we can do this. All right, on the count of three. Can everyone hear me? Hey, amigo, are you paying attention?

Buenos dias, my friend.

Not you! The guy in the Amigo.

Uh, well, uh, here--here is good.

Oh, yeah, sure, and now I'm gonna be stuck here. But you knew the way to go! You went to college!

Hey, I went to Tufts! That was my safety school! So don't talk to me about hardship.

Boy, eh, can you believe this mess?

Elaine, why did you have the cab come down the street?! We were almost out!

So that was your girlfriend that blocked you in. That's real good.

I'm not his girlfriend. Well, actually, we used to date, but not anymore.

Elaine, he doesn't need-

Used to date? So I guess you found out he's a jackass.

'Cause that's what's gonna happen.

Wow. He's givin' you a mustache. Where is this guy?

Don't look around. Don't look around. That's what he wants.

All right. Well, I'll see ya. Hey, George, I think there's a sniper lookin' to pop ya.

This thing can't hurt me, can it? I mean, it is a laser. What if it hits my eye?

I don't know.

I can't be blind, Jerry The blind are courageous.

You'll be fine as long as it doesn't hit you right in the pupil, 'Cause then the whole ball will go up like the Death Star. Tchoo! I gotta go find a bathroom.

Hold it, George. Don't move. It's right between your eyes.

Oh, my god.

Hey, there's the soda guy.

Hey, jackass! Get me a diet Dr. Pepper!

All right!

Hey, hey, hey!

Wha--ow!

Oh, this is nuts! I can't get across anywhere!

Well, none of us can! We're trapped!

Ow!

Hey! Hey, everyone. This way. I think we can get out through here.

Oh, I don't know if that's such a good idea.

Look! No one knows how long this parade is gonna last! They are a very festive people. All I know is that it's Sunday night, and I have got to unwind! Now who's with me?!

Father?

None of us saw the nylon flap. That might mean something.

Oh, all right, all right!

All right! Come on. Come on. Let's go. Let's go.

But it's dark!

Get in there!

Yes, uh, I'm interested in the apartment.

Yes! Come in, come in.

Ok.

I'm Christine Nyhart.

Oh. Delicious to meet you.

Did the broker send you over?

Uh, yes, most likely, yes. I'm, uh, H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy industrialist and philanthropist and, uh, a bicyclist. And, um, yes, I'm looking for a place where I can settle down with my, uh, peculiar habits, and, uh, the women that I frequent with. (sniffing wall) Mmm. Mombassa, hmm?

The asking price is $1.5 million.

Oh, I spend that much on after shave. Yes, I buy and sell men like myself every day. Now, I assume that there's a waterfall grotto?

No.

How about a bathroom?

It has 4.

Yes, and where would the absolute nearest one be?

Just down the hall.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, don't worry. We'll get you home to your husband real soon.

I'm not married.

Well, I, for one, really respect that.

Oh, thank you.

Hey! Guess who's not married.

Is the boyfriend still in the picture?

Come on, father, you can make it.

No, I can't. I've got a bad hip. Go on without me.

No! I won't!

Leave me! you must.

All right. Take it easy.

All right, we can move faster without father o'gimpy.

I heard that!

You know, I don't think I've ever seen a man driving a Saab convertible. Still haven't.

Ho ho!

What seems to be the problem, officer?

They're for protection, Jerry. Can you tell where I'm lookin'?

At me?

No.

Oh. It's back.

Bring it on, baby

What if it gets in the side?

The side?

Yeah. Wouldn't it just bounce back and forth between your cornea and the mirror, faster and faster, getting more and more intense, until finally-

All right!

Oh. It's in your eye now.

Hola, Jerry! I'm into this Puerto Rican day! The sights! The sounds! The hot, spicy flavor of it all! It's caliente, Jerry!

Kramer, the Mets have got men on base!

Yeah, I know! I was watchin' the game.

You were watchin'? Where?

Oh, that was a strike! Did you see that?!

Would you like to see the rest of the apartment, Mister, um--

Eh...Varnsen. Kel Varnsen. Actually, this room intrigues me. Why is it called the TV room?

Well, it's--

Balk?! How was that a balk?! You have any snacks?

Mr. Varnsen, if you like the apartment, I should tell you I've also had some interest from a wealthy industrialist.

Not Pennypacker!

You know him?

I wish I didn't. Brace yourself, madam, for an all-out bidding war. But this time, advantage Varnsen!

Wait a second. I think I see where that laser guy is. No! Don't look! Don't look. Oh, yeah, that's him. Ok. I'm gonna sneak up on him. Now the hunted becomes the hunter.

We should be able to get across right through here!

It's a dead end!

Oh, no! I thought--

You thought?! We're gonna die in the dark! I knew it! I knew it! We're gonna die!

Get a hold of yourself!

Oh, come on!

Sorry. Somebody...help us!

!Mira! !Mira! Stacy Keach!

We're down here! Help!

There's people down there! Hold on!

Let us out. There's an unmarried pregnant woman down here.

Don't judge me!

Help us up so we can cross the street?

Nah, nah, You can't cross here. There's a parade.

But we've come so far. We just want to unwind.

Hey, what can I tell ya?

Wanna make out some more?

Oh, god! Let us out!

That wasn't a laser pen.

No. It's just a pen.

Oh, that's funny

No. You have, like, a dot on your face. Whoever's doing that is very clever.

Come on, man. You need to lighten up. You know, a feeling like this only happens once a year.

Yeah, it's like this every day in Puerto Rico.

See, now you're getting the spirit of it, huh?

Ooh! !Dios mio!

Hey! There's a guy burning the Puerto Rican flag!

Who! Who is burning the flag?!

Oh, no.

Him?!

That's not very nice.

It was an accident.

Do you know what day this is? Because I know what day this is, they know what day this is, so I was wondering if you know what day this is!

Because it's Puerto Rican day.

Maybe we should stomp you like you stomp the flag! What do you think of that?

Now look, I just have one thing to say to you boys. Mama!

Right this way, Mr. Vandelay.

Well, this is a lovely apartment. Lovely! My kids are gonna go crazy. I, uh, I wonder if I could see the bathrooms. Preferably one with some paint thinner and, uh, some rags?

It's down the hall.

Oh, hello...

Art.

Mr. Vandelay, of course.

You two know each other?

Mr. Pennypacker!

Uh, yes, uh, I--I wanted to, uh, stop by and make sure that my shark tank fits-- uh, hello.

Mr. Pennypacker, this is Mr. Vandelay, And you know Mr. Varnsen

Uh, Varnsen.

Pennypacker.

Vandelay.

Pennypacker. Varnsen.

Vandelay. Wait a second. Mr. Pennypacker, if you're here, and Mr. Vandelay is also here, then who's watching the factory?

The factory?

The Saab factory?

Jerry, that's in Sweden.

My car!

Well, you know, it's like this every day in Puerto Rico.

Jerry, the Mets lost.

I love a parade!

How do you suppose they did that?

Well...there's no logical explanation. All right. Well, shall we go home?

Well, what about my car?

Well, Jerry, you can't deduct it now.

Hey, there's Elaine.

Hey.

Well, you look, uh...relaxed.

Well, it is Sunday night, and you know how I like to unwind.

Hey, black Saab. Looks like that building cut you off! Ha ha ha! See ya around!

Well, at least he didn't-

Jackass!

Somebody remember where we parked.

This was a fun day. It's nice to get out.