Full screenplay script transcript for Seinfeld S09E18: The Frogger
20 Scenes382 Lines
Scene 1
Opening Scene
21 lines
Elaine and several co-workers stand around a table which has a cake sitting on it.
All (singing)
Happy birthday to you.
Walter
Thanks.
Everyone claps.
Female Worker
Elaine, cake?
Elaine
Uh, no, thanks.
Female Worker
It's Walter's special day.
Elaine
You know, there are 200 people who work in this office. Every day is somebody's special day.
Elaine takes a piece of cake and makes her way to the door, but is stopped as a male worker carrying a cake enters.
Male Worker
Elaine! Where're you going? It's Walter's last day. We have to celebrate.
Elaine
It's his birthday and it's his last day?
Male Worker
This is other-Walter, from returns.
Other-Walter enters followed by more co-workers.
Other-walter
Hey, what's going on here?
All
Surprise!
Other-walter
Oh guys.
Elaine tries to leave, but other-Walter stops her.
Other-walter
Elaine, it's my last day. Have a piece.
Elaine
All right, pile it on.
All (singing, Competing)
For he's a jolly good fellow...happy birthday to you...for he's a jolly good fellow...birthday to you...which nobody can deny...
Elaine looks on frustrated.
Scene 2
Int. Jerry's Apartment - Day
31 lines
Jerry and Elaine stand in front of his stereo.
Jerry
What is so bad about having a little piece of cake?
Elaine
It is the forced socializing. I mean, just because we work in the same office, why do we have to act like we're friends?
Jerry
Why aren't you there now?
Elaine
I had to take a sick day. I'm so sick of these people. By the way, I talked to Lisi, and tomorrow night's good for her.
They sit on the sofa.
Jerry
You know, I shouldn't go out with a friend of yours. I foresee messiness.
Elaine
Yeah, you're better off sitting around here, reading comic books, and eating spaghetti at two in the morning..
Jerry
Hey, speaking of tomato sauce, you want to come with me and George to Mario's Pizza?
Elaine
Your old high school hangout? Why?
Jerry
They're closing. We're going for one last slice.
Kramer barges through the door holding a roll of yellow police tape.
Kramer
Hey. All right. Hi. Check it out, official police caution tape. Look at that.
Jerry walks towards the counter where Kramer has placed some of the tape.
Kramer
Uh-uh-uh. Step back, son, there's nothing to see here.
Jerry
Where did you get this?
Kramer
Well, I got it from my cop buddy Doug.
Jerry
You sure have a lot of friends. How come I never see any of these people?
Kramer
They want to know why they never see you.
Kramer ties a piece of tape around a banana.
Kramer
I'm gonna eat that later.
Jerry
So they just gave you this?
Kramer
Oh no, no,. no. I had to fish around in the evidence room for it. You know, they're all preoccupied, trying to hunt down this new psycho-serial killer, the Lopper. All right, I'll see ya.
Elaine
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Who is the Lopper?
Kramer
Oh, it's no big deal. It's just some guy who's been running around Riverside park-pffff. You know, cutting people's heads off.
Jerry
How come I haven't read about this?
Kramer
Well, you know, the police, they've been having some internal dissension about the name.
Elaine
Really? What're the other titles?
Kramer
Uh, Headso...uh...The Denogginizer...Son of dad.
Jerry
Son of dad?
Kramer
Yeah. That was my suggestion. It's sort of a catchall.
Scene 3
Int. Mario's Pizza - Day
25 lines
George
Mario's Pizza.
George and Jerry admire their former hang out. Mario, an elder man, stands behind the counter.
George
Just as she was. Hey, Mario! Remember us?
Mario
No.
Jerry
We used to come in every day.
Mario
So where ya been? We're tanking here.
George
We'll have 2 slices and 2 grape sodas.
Mario
Oh, thanks. That'll save us.
Jerry
All right, make it the large sodas.
George and Jerry walk across the room.
George
Hey, Jerry, remember Frogger? I used to be so into this game. Gettin' that frog across the street was my entire life.
They walk over to watch a boy playing Frogger.
Jerry
Yeah. And then you went on to...Well, it's a good game.
George
Double jump! Eat the fly! Eat it!
The boy loses.
Boy
Thanks a lot.
George
Ah, beat it, punk.
The boy exits.
Jerry
Hey, look at the high score--"G.L.C." George Louis Costanza. That's not you, is it?
George
Yes! 860,000. I can't believe it's still standing. No one has beaten me in like 10 years.
Jerry
I remember that night.
George
The perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella...just the right amount of grease on the joy stick...
Mario
Here's your pizza pea brains.
Jerry
I think I remember why we stopped coming here.
George
Yeah.
Scene 4
Int. Elaine's Office - Day
15 lines
Elaine is sitting at her desk smelling a pen.
Elaine (thinking)
This pen smells really bad. So why do I keep smelling it? Is it too late for me to go to law school?
There's a knock on the door and several co-workers enter with a cake.
Elaine
What is this?
Male Worker
You were out sick yesterday, so we got you a get-well cake.
Female Worker
It's carrot. It's good for you.
Workers (singing)
Get well get well soon, we wish you to get--
Elaine
Stop it! That's not even a song! I mean, now we're celebrating a sick day?
Male Worker
I think it's nice.
Elaine
What? What is nice? Trying to fill the void in your life with flour and sugar and egg and vanilla? I mean, we are all unhappy. Do we have to be fat, too? Not you Becky, I know you have a slow metabolism. I don't want one more piece of cake in my office!
Another worker enters late.
Worker (singing)
Get well, get well soon--
Male Worker
It's not happening.
They all start to leave disappointed.
Becky
Can we still it eat?
Scene 5
Int. Monk's Diner - Night
27 lines
Jerry and Lisi sit at the usual booth.
Jerry
I'll tell you Lisi, I never expected that movie to--
Lisi
End under water?
Jerry
Be that long. I mean, most action movies are--
Lisi
So much more violent.
Jerry
Not as long.
Lisi
Well, I should probably--
Jerry
Get going.
Lisi
Yeah.
They both stand.
Jerry
Well, it was nice meeting you. I'm sure I'll see you--
Lisi
Eight tomorrow?
Jerry
Actually, that's--
Lisi
What you were thinking.
Jerry
Right.
Lisi leaves and Jerry goes to pay the cashier. George enters.
George
Oh! Here you are. Ha ha...You, uh, you want to--
Jerry
Sure. (points at booth) How about this one?
They both sit down at their booth.
George
Well, I'm doing it, Jerry. I'm buying the Frogger machine. Now the torch will burn forever.
Jerry
Fabulous. See, now you're really do something.
George
So, you want to come down to Mario's Pizza with me and help me pick up the Frogger?
Jerry
Hey, how you gonna keep the machine plugged in while you move it?
George
What?
Jerry
Once you unplug the machine, all the scores will be erased.
George
You're right. Why must there always be a problem? You'd think just once I could get a break. God knows I earned it with that score!
George gets up and leaves in a huff.
Scene 6
Int. Jerry's Apartment - Day
23 lines
Kramer
Well, more bad news Jerry.
Kramer and Jerry are talking near the kitchen counter. George is sitting at the table on Jerry's cordless phone. An open phone book is in front of him.
Kramer
You know the police, they found another victim of the Lopper in Riverside Park. I saw the photo, and it looked a lot like you.
Jerry
Oh, come on. There's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me.
Kramer
Not as many as there used to be.
George
No. I need a guy that can rig a Frogger machine so that I can move it without losing power, 'cause I have the high score. H-hello?
Kramer peels and eats an orange.
Kramer
You know, George, you're not gonna find an electrician like that in the yellow pages. Now, I know just the guy who can do this.
Jerry
Another friend?
Kramer
Oh, no, no, no. This guy is no friend. In fact, we don't even get along.
George
Well, is he good, Kramer?
George gets up and walks towards Kramer.
Kramer
Oh, he's the best...and the worst.
George
Kramer, listen to me. I'm never gonna have a child. If I lose this Frogger high score, that's it for me.
Kramer
Believe me George, you can count on Slippery Pete.
George
Slippery Pete?
Kramer
Yeah, I don't care for the name, either. In fact, that's one of the things that we argue about.
George
All right, I'm gonna find a guy with a truck. GLC must live on!
George grabs his coat and leaves the apartment. The phone rings. Jerry tries to get by Kramer.
Jerry
Come on.
Kramer
Dng-ga-gng-ga-wt.
Jerry picks up the phone.
Jerry
Hello?
Scene 7
Int. Elaine's Office/jerry's Apartment
13 lines
Elaine is on the phone and is smelling her tape dispenser.
Elaine
So how's it going with my friend?
Jerry
She's a sentence finisher. It's like dating Mad Libs.
People can be heard singing "Happy Birthday" in the background of Elaine's office.
Jerry
What is that?
Elaine
Oh, it's a cake party. It's the third one today. I didn't realize how hooked I got on that 4:00 sugar rush.
Jerry
So join in.
Elaine
I can't. I denounced them. Maybe I'll go raid Peterman's fridge. He's always got a truffle or something in there.
Jerry
All right.
Jerry hangs up and stands up to find some police tape around a broken egg on the floor.
Jerry
Hey, wh-what--
Kramer
Yeah. I dropped an egg. Be careful.
Kramer leaves.
Scene 8
Int. J. Peterman's Office - Day
12 lines
Elaine knocks on the open door.
Elaine
Anybody here? Peterboy?
No one answers. She runs over to Peterman's fridge, opens it, and takes out a box. She opens the box to find a cake.
Elaine
Ooh, it's a cake walk.
She takes a bite of the cake. Outside in the hallway, Mr. Peterman can be heard singing.
Peterman (singing)
Get well, get well soon we wish you to get well.
Elaine quickly puts the box back in the fridge. Mr. Peterman enters his office.
Peterman
Ha ha ha ha...Oh, what a stirring little anthem of wellness.
Elaine
Mr. Peterman, um--
Peterman
We missed you at the get well party. Poor old Walt has a polyp in the duodenum. It's benign, but--ooh--still a bastard. Oh, Elaine, can you keep a secret?
Elaine
No, sir, I can't.
Peterman
Inside that small college boy minifridge is my latest acquisition. A slice of cake from the wedding of King Edward VIII to Wallis Simpson, circa 1937, price--$29,000.
Scene 9
Ext. City Sidewalk - Night
11 lines
Jerry and Lisi walk along.
Jerry
Well Lisi, that was another-
Lisi
Lovely evening.
Jerry
Really bad meal. I was thinking maybe we should--
Lisi
Go for a hansom cab ride?
Jerry
Call it a night. I'll walk you home. Where do you live?
Lisi
84th street, right off Riverside Park.
Jerry
Riverside Park.
Jerry grabs Lisi and turns around.
Lisi
I thought we were going--
Jerry
Back to my place. That's right.
Scene 10
Ext. Jerry's Apartment - Day
29 lines
George and Jerry are sitting on the sofa.
George
So you slept with her?
Jerry
She lives right off Riverside Park. I was scared of the Lopper, So I let her stay over.
George
And you automatically sleep with her?
Jerry
Well, I just wanted to make out a little, but she kind of--
George
Finished your thought.
George gets up and walks over to the sink. Elaine enters.
Elaine
Guess what I ate.
George
An ostrich burger.
Elaine
No. A $29,000 piece of cake. Peterman got it at The Duke Of Windsor auction. It was the most romantic thing I've ever eaten.
Jerry
How'd it taste?
Elaine
A little stale.
Jerry
Yeah.
George (nudges Elaine With His Elbow)
So, uh are you sleeping with Peterman?
Elaine (nudges George With Her Elbow)
No. He doesn't know I ate it. In fact, he almost caught me. I have to sneak back in and even it out.
George
You know, they say ostrich has less fat, but you eat more of it.
Jerry and Elaine start to walk from the counter towards the table.
Elaine
Hey, so I talked to Lisi and she has got a big surprise for you. She's planning a weekend trip to Pennsylvania Dutch country.
Jerry
Pennsylvania Dutch country? Oh, that's the serious relationship weekend place.
Elaine
What is going on with you two?
Jerry
Well, I think by sleeping with her, I may have sent her the wrong message.
George
What's that?
Elaine opens up a paper bag and pulls out a cookie.
Elaine
4:00 sugar fix.
Jerry
Well, I'm calling this off right now.
Elaine
No, no. You are way past the phone call breakup stage.
Jerry
Well, I'm not going over there. That's where the Lopper is.
Elaine
Oh...it's daylight. It won't take you that long. Just make a clean break.
Elaine bites the head of her gingerbread man.
Scene 11
Int. J. Peterman's Office - Day
6 lines
Elaine
Just a little off the side...
Elaine is at Mr. Peterman's desk with the cake box.
Elaine
Well, no point in wasting $1,200.
She eats a slice of the cake as fantasy waltz music starts to play. Elaine dances around the room talking to one of the sculptures in the room.
Elaine (thinking)
Oh, commander, isn't the wedding marvelous? More cake? Oh, I shouldn't. I mustn't. Ah, what the hell?
She gets more cake.
Scene 12
Int. Monk's Diner - Day
40 lines
George
Now, each of you is here because you're the best at what you do.
George, Kramer, Slippery Pete, and Shlomo sit at a booth.
George
Slippery Pete, Kramer tells me you are one hell of a rogue electrician. And shlomo, you're the best truck driver.
Shlomo
I don't know If I'm the best.
George
Oh...you're very good.
Shlomo
Let's say "good."
George
Ok. Good. And Kramer, you're in charge of taping off the loading zone.
Kramer
Lock and load.
Slippery Pete
You think you can handle that, numb nuts?
Kramer
All right, all right, come on, now.
Slippery Pete
That was my mail-order bride.
Kramer
Hey, you weren't home, so I signed for her.
Slippery Pete
It doesn't give you the right to make out with her.
Kramer
You weren't even married yet.
George
All right, all right, calm down, calm down. Whatever happened in the past is past.
George gets a napkin and starts to draw on it.
George
Now, this is the basic layout for Mario's Pizza.
Shlomo
So what kind of jail time are we looking at if we're caught?
George
What do you mean?
Slippery Pete
We're stealing this thing, right?
George
No. I--I paid for it.
Slippery Pete
I thought we were stealing it.
Kramer
Yeah. It feels like we're stealing it.
George
We're not stealing it.
Shlomo
I definitely thought we're stealing it.
George
All right, let's--let's focus. Can we get back to the plan?
Slippery Pete
Well, I need a battery for this kind of a job. Can I at least steal a battery?
George
Fine. Steal the battery. Now, all right, here is the Frogger. This is the front door, and this is the outlet.
Slippery Pete
What's that?
George
The outlet?
Slippery Pete
Mm-hmm.
George
That's where the electricity comes out.
Slippert Pete
Oh, you mean the holes.
Shlomo
Which one's the bathroom?
George
Uh, here.
Shlomo
They put the Frogger with the toilet? Yecchh.
George
The Frogger is here.
Kramer
George, I thought that was the door.
Slippery Pete
Where are all the pizza ovens?
Shlomo
I thought the bathroom was here.
Scene 13
Int. Mario's Pizza - Day
2 lines
George, Shlomo, Slippery Pete, and Kramer are sitting in the same places as they were in the booth at Monk's, but this time they are around a table at Mario's.
George
All right. You understand now? It's not that complicated.
Scene 14
Int. Monk's Diner - Day
11 lines
Elaine
I need to replace an antique piece of cake.
Elaine is sitting at the counter with a Sotheby's auction book open in front of her.
Elaine
Do you have anything that's been...you know, laying around for a while? Something prewar would be just great.
The waitress leaves and Kramer enters.
Kramer
Oh, hey, Elaine. What, you got the munchies?
Elaine
Oh, Kramer, I am in big. big, big trouble. I need a cake that looks like this.
Kramer
Oh, yeah--Sotheby's. Yeah. They make good cake.
Elaine
Do any of these look close?
Kramer
No, but I know I've seen cake just like that. Oh--Entenmann's. Yeah.
Elaine
Entenmann's? From the supermarket?
Kramer
Well, no. They're not really in the supermarket. Yeah, they got their own case at the end of the aisle.
Scene 15
Int. Lisi's Apartment - Day
39 lines
There's a knock at the door. Lisi opens it. It's Jerry holding a baseball bat.
Jerry
Hi, Lisi.
Lisi
Hi, honey. Is that a bat?
Jerry
Uh, yeah. I found it on the street. It's gotta be worth something.
Lisi
So, what do you want to do, Sweetheart?
Jerry
Well, before we do anything...maybe we should talk.
MONTAGE:
Lisi is sitting at her couch while Jerry paces behind her.
Jerry
Then this Pennsylvania Dutch thing comes out of nowhere. I mean, how am I supposed to respond to that?
Both Jerry and Lisi are on the couch. Jerry has his head in his hands.
Lisi
Then may I say something... without being interrupted?
Lisi is in another room with the door closed. Jerry stands in the hallway and is talking to her through the door.
Jerry
Well I'm sorry if I ruined your life. That's exactly what I set out to do.
They are sitting on the couch again. Jerry nods at everything Lisi mumbles.
Lisi
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh...
Now Jerry is sitting on the couch and Lisi is pacing behind him.
Lisi
Are you afraid to kiss me in public?
Jerry
Have we even been in public?
Jerry is walking away from Lisi and she follows behind him.
Lisi
So now you're going to tell me what I'm thinking. Well, go ahead, 'cause I'd really like to know.
Lisi is crying and Jerry stands looking over her shoulder.
Jerry
You are not dumb. Don't say that..
They both sit around the coffee table eating beans.
Jerry
These beans are pretty good.
Lisi
20 minutes.
Now Jerry is in a room with the door shut. Lisi stands out in the hallway.
Jerry
Well, I'm sorry I'm not Brad. I'm me!
Jerry opens the door.
Jerry
Nice to meet ya!
Jerry is lying on the couch while Lisi paces behind.
Lisi
Boy, did your mother do a number on you.
Lisi is on the couch with Kleenex and Jerry stands on the other side of the couch.
Lisi
Fine. So it's over.
Jerry
Oh, thank god. Why is it dark out? What time is it?
Lisi
9:30.
Jerry
We've been breaking up for 10 hours?
Lisi
Good-bye, Jerry.
Jerry
Lopper. You know, Lisi, maybe we should give this a little more time. See how it looks in the light of day.
Lisi
Out!
Scene 16
Ext. Lisi's Apartment - Night
5 lines
Jerry steps out of Lisi's building. He looks both ways cautiously before walking down the steps. Surprised, he sees a shadowy figure walking towards him holding something resembling a head in one hand and a knife in the other.
Jerry
Lopper.
He quickly runs back up to Lisi's building and yells into her intercom system.
Jerry
Lisi, Lisi. Let me in! We can work this out. I was wrong, you were right. I'll do anything!
She buzzes him up. Just as he walks into the building, we see the Lopper is actually Slippery Pete carrying a car battery by it's wires
Scene 17
Ext. City Sidewalk - Day
16 lines
Jerry stands outside a boutique store when George arrives carrying rope.
George
Jerry, you came for the big moment.
Jerry
No. I'm waiting for...
George
Ha ha. Everything's timed out to perfection, Jerry. Slippery Pete's got the Frogger running on battery power, the truck will be there any minute, and Kramer's taped out the loading zone.
Jerry
Oh. Sounds great.
George
Yeah, yeah. You gotta come over tonight. We can play.
Jerry
Oh, I can't. I'm busy. I'm going away on a long weekend.
George
Where?
Lisi exits the boutique wearing a Dutch bonnet.
Lisi
Look what I found. I got one for you, too.
She puts a Dutch hat on Jerry head.
Jerry
Great. Uh, you know what? Why don't you put it in the car so I don't toss it in that dumpster?
Lisi
Ha ha. Ok. I'll meet thee in front of your place, 15 minutes.
Lisi leaves.
Jerry
A long, long weekend.
George
I hear thee.
Scene 18
Int. J. Peterman's Office - Day
18 lines
Elaine has finished replacing the cake. She throws the empty Entenmann's box away. She's about to leave, but Mr. Peterman enters with another man.
Peterman
Elaine! Excellent. I'd like you to meet a friend of mine, Irwin Lubeck.
Elaine
Oh, hello.
Lubeck
Charmed.
Mr. Peterman gets the cake out of the fridge.
Peterman
All right, brace yourself, Lubeck. You are about to be launched via pastry back to the wedding of one of the most dashing and romantic Nazi sympathizers of the entire British Royal family.
Elaine
I guess I'll just--
Peterman
Oh, no Elaine, stay. Lubeck here is the world's foremost appraiser of vintage pastry.
Lubeck inspects the cake.
Peterman
All right, Lubeck. How much is she worth?
Lubeck
I'd say about 219.
Peterman
Ha ha ha ha ha!$219,000! Lubeck, you glorious titwillow. You just made me a profit of $190,000.
Lubeck
No, $2.19. It's an Entenmann's.
Peterman
Do they have a castle at Windsor?
Lubeck
No. They have a display case at the end of the aisle.
Peterman
Oh, good lord.
Lubeck
You all right, Peterman? You look ill.
Elaine (singing)
Get well, get well soon, we want you to get well. Get well, get well soon we want you to get well.
Scene 19
Ext. City Sidewalk - Day
26 lines
George and Jerry see Kramer, Shlomo, and Slippery Pete standing outside Mario's Pizza. Slippery Pete is playing Frogger.
George
What are you guys doing?
Shlomo
Eat the fly. Eat the fly. Got him!
George
You idiots. You're gonna wear down the battery.
Slippery Pete
The batteries are fine. We've got...oh, god. only 3 minutes left.
George
Quick. Get this thing back in the pizzeria
Kramer
George, they closed up.
George
I need an outlet!
Slippery Pete
A what?
George
Holes! I need holes!
Kramer
The pharmacy's still open.
George
All right. Kramer, you block off traffic. You to go sweet-talk the pharmacist.
Shlomo and Slippery Pete go to the pharmacy.
Slippery Pete (to George)
You owe me a quarter.
George (to Jerry)
Slippery Pete. Kramer, hurry up!
Kramer ties the police tape to a tree and runs into traffic. He runs out of tape before he can get halfway.
Kramer
Ahh! I'm out! No tape left!
Jerry
Well, come on George, I'll help you push it across.
George
Wait a minute. This looks familiar. This reminds me of something. I can do this.
Jerry
By yourself?
George
Jerry, I've been preparing for this moment my entire life.
George pushes the machine onto the street. From a view in the sky, we see him dodging cars, hopping back and forth into lanes of traffic. Frogger music and sound effects play.
Shlomo
He looks like a Frog.
Slippery Pete
So do you.
George makes it across just as a huge truck comes barreling down the street. George tries to get the Frogger onto the sidewalk, but can't. He futilely sticks his hand out trying to stop the truck which honks. George jumps out of the truck's way and onto the sidewalk as the Frogger is smashed.
Jerry
Game over.
Scene 20
Int. J. Peterman's Office - Day
12 lines
Mr. Peterman sits in his chair behind his desk. Elaine knocks and enters.
Elaine
Mr. Peterman, you wanted to see me, sir?
Peterman
Elaine, up until a moment ago, I was convinced that I was on the receiving end of one of the oldest baker's grift in the books--The Entenmann's shim-sham.
Elaine
Ohh...
Peterman
Until I remembered the videotape surveillance system that I installed to catch other-Walter using my latrine. But it also caught this.
Mr. Peterman shows Elaine the tape of her waltzing around the room eating the cake.
Ealine
Mr. Peterman, I, uh...
Peterman
Elaine, I have a question for you. Is the item still...with you?
Elaine
Um...as far as I know.
Peterman
Do you know what happens to a butter-based frosting after six decades in a poorly ventilated English basement?
Elaine
Uh, I guess I hadn't--
Peterman
Well, I have a feeling that what you are about to go through is punishment enough. Dismissed.