The Frogger

Happy birthday to you.

Thanks.

Elaine, cake?

Uh, no, thanks.

It's Walter's special day.

You know, there are 200 people who work in this office. Every day is somebody's special day.

Elaine! Where're you going? It's Walter's last day. We have to celebrate.

It's his birthday and it's his last day?

This is other-Walter, from returns.

Hey, what's going on here?

Surprise!

Oh guys.

Elaine, it's my last day. Have a piece.

All right, pile it on.

For he's a jolly good fellow...happy birthday to you...for he's a jolly good fellow...birthday to you...which nobody can deny...

What is so bad about having a little piece of cake?

It is the forced socializing. I mean, just because we work in the same office, why do we have to act like we're friends?

Why aren't you there now?

I had to take a sick day. I'm so sick of these people. By the way, I talked to Lisi, and tomorrow night's good for her.

You know, I shouldn't go out with a friend of yours. I foresee messiness.

Yeah, you're better off sitting around here, reading comic books, and eating spaghetti at two in the morning..

Hey, speaking of tomato sauce, you want to come with me and George to Mario's Pizza?

Your old high school hangout? Why?

They're closing. We're going for one last slice.

Hey. All right. Hi. Check it out, official police caution tape. Look at that.

Uh-uh-uh. Step back, son, there's nothing to see here.

Where did you get this?

Well, I got it from my cop buddy Doug.

You sure have a lot of friends. How come I never see any of these people?

They want to know why they never see you.

I'm gonna eat that later.

So they just gave you this?

Oh no, no,. no. I had to fish around in the evidence room for it. You know, they're all preoccupied, trying to hunt down this new psycho-serial killer, the Lopper. All right, I'll see ya.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Who is the Lopper?

Oh, it's no big deal. It's just some guy who's been running around Riverside park-pffff. You know, cutting people's heads off.

How come I haven't read about this?

Well, you know, the police, they've been having some internal dissension about the name.

Really? What're the other titles?

Uh, Headso...uh...The Denogginizer...Son of dad.

Son of dad?

Yeah. That was my suggestion. It's sort of a catchall.

Mario's Pizza.

Just as she was. Hey, Mario! Remember us?

No.

We used to come in every day.

So where ya been? We're tanking here.

We'll have 2 slices and 2 grape sodas.

Oh, thanks. That'll save us.

All right, make it the large sodas.

Hey, Jerry, remember Frogger? I used to be so into this game. Gettin' that frog across the street was my entire life.

Yeah. And then you went on to...Well, it's a good game.

Double jump! Eat the fly! Eat it!

Thanks a lot.

Ah, beat it, punk.

Hey, look at the high score--"G.L.C." George Louis Costanza. That's not you, is it?

Yes! 860,000. I can't believe it's still standing. No one has beaten me in like 10 years.

I remember that night.

The perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella...just the right amount of grease on the joy stick...

Here's your pizza pea brains.

I think I remember why we stopped coming here.

Yeah.

This pen smells really bad. So why do I keep smelling it? Is it too late for me to go to law school?

What is this?

You were out sick yesterday, so we got you a get-well cake.

It's carrot. It's good for you.

Get well get well soon, we wish you to get--

Stop it! That's not even a song! I mean, now we're celebrating a sick day?

I think it's nice.

What? What is nice? Trying to fill the void in your life with flour and sugar and egg and vanilla? I mean, we are all unhappy. Do we have to be fat, too? Not you Becky, I know you have a slow metabolism. I don't want one more piece of cake in my office!

Get well, get well soon--

It's not happening.

Can we still it eat?

I'll tell you Lisi, I never expected that movie to--

End under water?

Be that long. I mean, most action movies are--

So much more violent.

Not as long.

Well, I should probably--

Get going.

Yeah.

Well, it was nice meeting you. I'm sure I'll see you--

Eight tomorrow?

Actually, that's--

What you were thinking.

Right.

Oh! Here you are. Ha ha...You, uh, you want to--

Sure. (points at booth) How about this one?

Well, I'm doing it, Jerry. I'm buying the Frogger machine. Now the torch will burn forever.

Fabulous. See, now you're really do something.

So, you want to come down to Mario's Pizza with me and help me pick up the Frogger?

Hey, how you gonna keep the machine plugged in while you move it?

What?

Once you unplug the machine, all the scores will be erased.

You're right. Why must there always be a problem? You'd think just once I could get a break. God knows I earned it with that score!

Well, more bad news Jerry.

You know the police, they found another victim of the Lopper in Riverside Park. I saw the photo, and it looked a lot like you.

Oh, come on. There's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me.

Not as many as there used to be.

No. I need a guy that can rig a Frogger machine so that I can move it without losing power, 'cause I have the high score. H-hello?

You know, George, you're not gonna find an electrician like that in the yellow pages. Now, I know just the guy who can do this.

Another friend?

Oh, no, no, no. This guy is no friend. In fact, we don't even get along.

Well, is he good, Kramer?

Oh, he's the best...and the worst.

Kramer, listen to me. I'm never gonna have a child. If I lose this Frogger high score, that's it for me.

Believe me George, you can count on Slippery Pete.

Slippery Pete?

Yeah, I don't care for the name, either. In fact, that's one of the things that we argue about.

All right, I'm gonna find a guy with a truck. GLC must live on!

Come on.

Dng-ga-gng-ga-wt.

Hello?

So how's it going with my friend?

She's a sentence finisher. It's like dating Mad Libs.

What is that?

Oh, it's a cake party. It's the third one today. I didn't realize how hooked I got on that 4:00 sugar rush.

So join in.

I can't. I denounced them. Maybe I'll go raid Peterman's fridge. He's always got a truffle or something in there.

All right.

Hey, wh-what--

Yeah. I dropped an egg. Be careful.

Anybody here? Peterboy?

Ooh, it's a cake walk.

Get well, get well soon we wish you to get well.

Ha ha ha ha...Oh, what a stirring little anthem of wellness.

Mr. Peterman, um--

We missed you at the get well party. Poor old Walt has a polyp in the duodenum. It's benign, but--ooh--still a bastard. Oh, Elaine, can you keep a secret?

No, sir, I can't.

Inside that small college boy minifridge is my latest acquisition. A slice of cake from the wedding of King Edward VIII to Wallis Simpson, circa 1937, price--$29,000.

Well Lisi, that was another-

Lovely evening.

Really bad meal. I was thinking maybe we should--

Go for a hansom cab ride?

Call it a night. I'll walk you home. Where do you live?

84th street, right off Riverside Park.

Riverside Park.

I thought we were going--

Back to my place. That's right.

So you slept with her?

She lives right off Riverside Park. I was scared of the Lopper, So I let her stay over.

And you automatically sleep with her?

Well, I just wanted to make out a little, but she kind of--

Finished your thought.

Guess what I ate.

An ostrich burger.

No. A $29,000 piece of cake. Peterman got it at The Duke Of Windsor auction. It was the most romantic thing I've ever eaten.

How'd it taste?

A little stale.

Yeah.

So, uh are you sleeping with Peterman?

No. He doesn't know I ate it. In fact, he almost caught me. I have to sneak back in and even it out.

You know, they say ostrich has less fat, but you eat more of it.

Hey, so I talked to Lisi and she has got a big surprise for you. She's planning a weekend trip to Pennsylvania Dutch country.

Pennsylvania Dutch country? Oh, that's the serious relationship weekend place.

What is going on with you two?

Well, I think by sleeping with her, I may have sent her the wrong message.

What's that?

4:00 sugar fix.

Well, I'm calling this off right now.

No, no. You are way past the phone call breakup stage.

Well, I'm not going over there. That's where the Lopper is.

Oh...it's daylight. It won't take you that long. Just make a clean break.

Just a little off the side...

Well, no point in wasting $1,200.

Oh, commander, isn't the wedding marvelous? More cake? Oh, I shouldn't. I mustn't. Ah, what the hell?

Now, each of you is here because you're the best at what you do.

Slippery Pete, Kramer tells me you are one hell of a rogue electrician. And shlomo, you're the best truck driver.

I don't know If I'm the best.

Oh...you're very good.

Let's say "good."

Ok. Good. And Kramer, you're in charge of taping off the loading zone.

Lock and load.

You think you can handle that, numb nuts?

All right, all right, come on, now.

That was my mail-order bride.

Hey, you weren't home, so I signed for her.

It doesn't give you the right to make out with her.

You weren't even married yet.

All right, all right, calm down, calm down. Whatever happened in the past is past.

Now, this is the basic layout for Mario's Pizza.

So what kind of jail time are we looking at if we're caught?

What do you mean?

We're stealing this thing, right?

No. I--I paid for it.

I thought we were stealing it.

Yeah. It feels like we're stealing it.

We're not stealing it.

I definitely thought we're stealing it.

All right, let's--let's focus. Can we get back to the plan?

Well, I need a battery for this kind of a job. Can I at least steal a battery?

Fine. Steal the battery. Now, all right, here is the Frogger. This is the front door, and this is the outlet.

What's that?

The outlet?

Mm-hmm.

That's where the electricity comes out.

Oh, you mean the holes.

Which one's the bathroom?

Uh, here.

They put the Frogger with the toilet? Yecchh.

The Frogger is here.

George, I thought that was the door.

Where are all the pizza ovens?

I thought the bathroom was here.

All right. You understand now? It's not that complicated.

I need to replace an antique piece of cake.

Do you have anything that's been...you know, laying around for a while? Something prewar would be just great.

Oh, hey, Elaine. What, you got the munchies?

Oh, Kramer, I am in big. big, big trouble. I need a cake that looks like this.

Oh, yeah--Sotheby's. Yeah. They make good cake.

Do any of these look close?

No, but I know I've seen cake just like that. Oh--Entenmann's. Yeah.

Entenmann's? From the supermarket?

Well, no. They're not really in the supermarket. Yeah, they got their own case at the end of the aisle.

Hi, Lisi.

Hi, honey. Is that a bat?

Uh, yeah. I found it on the street. It's gotta be worth something.

So, what do you want to do, Sweetheart?

Well, before we do anything...maybe we should talk.

Then this Pennsylvania Dutch thing comes out of nowhere. I mean, how am I supposed to respond to that?

Then may I say something... without being interrupted?

Well I'm sorry if I ruined your life. That's exactly what I set out to do.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh...

Are you afraid to kiss me in public?

Have we even been in public?

So now you're going to tell me what I'm thinking. Well, go ahead, 'cause I'd really like to know.

You are not dumb. Don't say that..

These beans are pretty good.

20 minutes.

Well, I'm sorry I'm not Brad. I'm me!

Nice to meet ya!

Boy, did your mother do a number on you.

Fine. So it's over.

Oh, thank god. Why is it dark out? What time is it?

9:30.

We've been breaking up for 10 hours?

Good-bye, Jerry.

Lopper. You know, Lisi, maybe we should give this a little more time. See how it looks in the light of day.

Out!

Lopper.

Lisi, Lisi. Let me in! We can work this out. I was wrong, you were right. I'll do anything!

Jerry, you came for the big moment.

No. I'm waiting for...

Ha ha. Everything's timed out to perfection, Jerry. Slippery Pete's got the Frogger running on battery power, the truck will be there any minute, and Kramer's taped out the loading zone.

Oh. Sounds great.

Yeah, yeah. You gotta come over tonight. We can play.

Oh, I can't. I'm busy. I'm going away on a long weekend.

Where?

Look what I found. I got one for you, too.

Great. Uh, you know what? Why don't you put it in the car so I don't toss it in that dumpster?

Ha ha. Ok. I'll meet thee in front of your place, 15 minutes.

A long, long weekend.

I hear thee.

Elaine! Excellent. I'd like you to meet a friend of mine, Irwin Lubeck.

Oh, hello.

Charmed.

All right, brace yourself, Lubeck. You are about to be launched via pastry back to the wedding of one of the most dashing and romantic Nazi sympathizers of the entire British Royal family.

I guess I'll just--

Oh, no Elaine, stay. Lubeck here is the world's foremost appraiser of vintage pastry.

All right, Lubeck. How much is she worth?

I'd say about 219.

Ha ha ha ha ha!$219,000! Lubeck, you glorious titwillow. You just made me a profit of $190,000.

No, $2.19. It's an Entenmann's.

Do they have a castle at Windsor?

No. They have a display case at the end of the aisle.

Oh, good lord.

You all right, Peterman? You look ill.

Get well, get well soon, we want you to get well. Get well, get well soon we want you to get well.

What are you guys doing?

Eat the fly. Eat the fly. Got him!

You idiots. You're gonna wear down the battery.

The batteries are fine. We've got...oh, god. only 3 minutes left.

Quick. Get this thing back in the pizzeria

George, they closed up.

I need an outlet!

A what?

Holes! I need holes!

The pharmacy's still open.

All right. Kramer, you block off traffic. You to go sweet-talk the pharmacist.

You owe me a quarter.

Slippery Pete. Kramer, hurry up!

Ahh! I'm out! No tape left!

Well, come on George, I'll help you push it across.

Wait a minute. This looks familiar. This reminds me of something. I can do this.

By yourself?

Jerry, I've been preparing for this moment my entire life.

He looks like a Frog.

So do you.

Game over.

Mr. Peterman, you wanted to see me, sir?

Elaine, up until a moment ago, I was convinced that I was on the receiving end of one of the oldest baker's grift in the books--The Entenmann's shim-sham.

Ohh...

Until I remembered the videotape surveillance system that I installed to catch other-Walter using my latrine. But it also caught this.

Mr. Peterman, I, uh...

Elaine, I have a question for you. Is the item still...with you?

Um...as far as I know.

Do you know what happens to a butter-based frosting after six decades in a poorly ventilated English basement?

Uh, I guess I hadn't--

Well, I have a feeling that what you are about to go through is punishment enough. Dismissed.