The One With The Sharks | S09E04

/ Friends / S09E04 The One With The Sharks

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Scene 1

Ross is in Central Perk. Phoebe comes in.

Phoebe

Oh hey Ross oh I'm so glad someone's here could you zip me up?

Ross

sure.

Phoebe

Thank you. Can you believe no-one between my apartment and here offered to do that for me?

Ross

people (shakes head, they sit) so why you all dressed up.

Phoebe

oh umm Mike's picking me up for a date.

Ross

oh yea now um how is that going, is it getting serious?

Phoebe

oh I dunno I dunno, you know I mean I like him but am I ready to take my grade a loins off the meat market.

Ross

you know I really admire your whole dating attitude, it's so healthy I'm always like is this moving to fast? Is this moving to slow? Where's this going?

Phoebe

yea you know you are a bit of a drama queen.

Ross

but you, your so much better off you just go from guy to guy having fun and never worrying that it terns into anything serious.

Phoebe

I wouldn't say never, you know there's that guy (pause) well what about (pause) ok well there's gotta be someone.

Ross

There isn't that's what I'm saying. (All happy)

Phoebe

Oh my god you're right.

Ross

I know and yet here you are all ready for the next date.

Phoebe

I can't believe I never realized this before, I'm in my thirty's and never been in a long-term relationship oh my god (starts crying) what's wrong with me.

Ross

no, no, no there's nothing wrong with you I mean you don't strike me as the type of person that wants to get married anyway.

Phoebe

I wanna get married (grabs a tissue)

Ross

please don't cry because of me pheebs I don't know what I'm talking about, I've been divorced three times.

Phoebe

least you've been married, OH MY GOD! I wanna trade lives with Ross (cries more)

Mike

Phoebe (comes in smiling then sees Phoebe crying) what's wrong?

Phoebe

nothing, I'm excited about our date, Mike this is Ross Geller this is Mike Haaaaa (starts crying)

Ross

I'm sorry I didn't catch.

Mike

its Mike Hanagen

Ross

Oh Ross Geller

Mike

Hey, so are you sure your ready to go.

Phoebe

uh huh (terns to Ross) how do I look (all her make up has gone everywhere)

Ross

do you have a compact in your purse?

Phoebe

(goes to cry) No

Ross

you look great.

(OPENING CREDITS)

Scene 2

Monica enters Central Perk.

Monica

Joey

Hey, this girl won't turn around and I can't tell whether she's hot or not, what do you think?

Monica

Joey

Alright thanks, Oh hey have you talked to Chandler?

Monica

Joey

how come?

Monica

Joey

oh why don't you fly out there and surprise him.

Monica

Joey

oh and you know what you should bring the black see-through teddy with the attached garters. (Nods)

Monica

Joey

didn't till just now.

(Monica goes to the back and Joey looks at the girl)

Joey

hot not hot (she turns around) Hot!

Hayley

excuse me?

Joey

I said I think you're hot and now I'm embarrassed.

Hayley

oh I thought you said Hi.

Joey

that would've been better, I'll try that Hi I'm Joey.

Hayley

I'm Hayley.

Joey

look I don't usually ask out women that I meet in coffeehouses

Gunther

HA!

Joey

(turns round) gesundheit

Hayley

I would love to go out with you.

Joey

really, great, did I actually ask you?

Hayley

no that's just where you were going I just figured that I'd help you out, you don't seem like the kind of guy that does this very a lot.

Gunther

HA!

Joey

(turns round again) seriously Gunther you should see someone about that cold, if it gets much worse you could DIE! (Gunther looks scared)

Scene 3

Ross is at Phoebe's.

Ross

so how'd the date go?

Phoebe

well it was awful every time I thought about what you said I started crying.

Ross

So he hasn't called?

Phoebe

would you call this girl? (Puts on a crying act) thanks-fo-r-a-love-ly-even-ing

Ross

now I feel terrible this is all my fault.

Phoebe

well you not what you should feel terrible about, this could have been my serious guy he was sweet and smart and funny. Do you know how hard it is to meet a guy like that?

Ross

We are a rare breed.

Scene 4

Joey is back at Hayleys apartment.

Hayley

what a great dinner.

Joey

yeah and hey thanks again for letting me having that last piece of cake at the restaurant.

Hayley

(laughs) your welcome again, I'm gonna make some coffee can I get you anything?

Joey

do you have any cake?

(Hayley laughs and goes into the kitchen thinking it's a joke, Joey doesn't see what's so funny about it)

>>> Joey's Subconscious

So this is going pretty good. dinner was nice, got a lot in common. (Sees a magazine) Victoria's secret huh we even like the same books. (Walks over to a painting on the wall) Oh now there's a scary painting. wait a minute I think I've been scared by that painting before. (Looks around) You know what this whole place look familiar I have definitely been in this apartment I know I've seen this weird plant before (it's a cactus and he touch's it) AWCH! It did that the last time. Oh my god, I've gone out with this girl before yeah we had sex on this couch and then on that chair and no. no we didn't do it hear which is weird because it seems like a perfectly good place.

Joey

(bends down to see and the cactus pricks him in the ass) AWCH! That's why.

Scene 5

Ross goes to see Mike to explain about Phoebe.

Ross

(He knocks at the door, Mike opens it) Hey Mike sorry to just drop by like this, can I come in?

Mike

Sure (looks confused) who are you?

Ross

I'm Ross, Phoebe's friend from the coffeehouse.

Mike

Oh.

Ross

yeah I really, really need to talk to you about something.

Mike

Ok, unless you're not gonna try to get me to join a cult are you?

Ross

(laughs) No

Mike

oh it's just you have that look (shuts the front door)

Ross

Damn super cuts!

Mike

what's up is Phoebe ok?

Ross

oh no yeah, no Phoebe is great, but umm I'm an idiot look right before you guys went out I accidentally got her all upset.

Mike

that's why she was weird.

Ross

yes, yeah I said something stupid about her never having had a serious relationship, but you should know she is so much fun, a wonderful person please don't blow her off.

Mike

I'm not blowing her off, I actually just got off the phone with her, were going out tomorrow night, I mean I hope that's ok with you stranger from the coffee house.

Ross

well then I didn't need to bother you or the four other Mike Hanagens I bothered.

Mike

hey wait wait wait wait wait! Is that true what you said Phoebe's never had a serious relationship?

Ross

of course she has. if she'd never had a serious relationship I'd go round broadcasting it like some unstoppable moron.

Mike

but you did say it

Ross

yes, yes I did. and I will also say what I'm about to say Vis-'-vis the following Phoebe has never had a serious relationship since her. super-serious relationship with. Vicrum.

Mike

Vicrum?

Ross

WHAT THAT'S A REAL NAME!

Scene 6

Chandler arrives home from work.

Chandler

(enters singing) Oklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plane, STOP IT! Why couldn't they have sent me to Texas? 7 o clock maybe I'll hit the gym (sits down) who am I kidding pay-per-view porn.

-Cuts to Monica (She's just arrived outside his room she fixes a bent photo hanging on the wall then sprays mint in her mouth and enter)

Chandler

DO NOT DISTURB DO NOT DISTURB! Monica: (smiles)
Monica

(smiles)

Monica

Chandler

everything's great, just watching some regular television there, what a pleasant surprise. (She hugs him, and she knows what he was doing so she looks at the TV and sees sharks swimming around thinking Chandler was giving himself a treat to sharks.)

Monica

Chandler

Ok honey. that was close.

-Cut to Rachel (Phone ringing)

Rachel

Hello

Monica

Rachel

Oh that couldn't have been pretty. but you know guys do that.

Monica

Rachel

Nooooooooo!

Monica

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

Scene 7

Rachel is at Monica's, talking about Chandler & him watching "Shark Porn".

Rachel

well watching sharks? Are you sure that's what he was doing?

Monica

Rachel

man sharks. I always knew there was something weird about that dude. But you promised to love him no matter what.

Monica

Rachel

Ah! You know what honey guys are just different, they like things that we can't understand, you know I once dated this guy who wanted to pretend he was an archeologist and I was a naughty cave woman that he unfroze from a block of ice.

Monica

Rachel

yeah I didn't disguise that very well did i.

Joey

(enters) Hey

Rachel

(sits down) Hi

Joey

listen to this... I went out with this girl last night and half way through our date I realized I already slept with her.

(Monica makes a strange face and sits down)

Rachel

so basically you've slept with all the woman in New York and now you're just going around again.

Joey

well that's not even the weird part. I don't think she remembered sleeping with me.

Monica

Joey

yeah but she should remember sleeping with me I am very memorable, you guys know.

Rachel

what, how do we know, we never slept with you.

Joey

and who's fault is that.

Monica

Joey

HEY! I never have an off night ok although sometimes when I'm a little bloated I don't feel very sexy BUT EVEN THEN I'M BETTER THEN MOST!

Monica

Rachel

yeah your both so slutty you don't even remember who you've slept with, you're made for each other.

Joey

Interesting. all right I'll go out with her again and try to get past it (reaches for the chips) OH SALT BLOATY!

Monica

Joey

What?

Monica

Joey

No. (Pause) wait a minute what was the little mermaid?

(Monica just looks at him, and Rachel wants to laugh)

Scene 8

Phoebe's at her apartment waiting for Mike Ross comes over.

Phoebe

It's open.

Ross

Hey!

Phoebe

HEY! Mike called were going out again! YAY! YAY! (She dances around with happiness)

Ross

YAY! (He continues the happiness with her by dancing around) quick thing, I went to talk to Mike.

Phoebe

What? Wha-wha-wha-did you do Ross!

Ross

oh boy you got mad at that part. I went over there to tell him how great you are but you know me BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, and I ended up telling him that.

Phoebe

WHAT!

Ross

umm. that you had a six year long relationship with a guy named Vicrum.

Phoebe

WHAT! WHY?

Ross

well he seemed to bum hard that you'd never been in a serious relationship.

Phoebe

(Walks towards Ross) If you hadn't just had a baby with my best friend I swear to Lucifer a raber dog would be feasting on your danglers RIGHT NOW!

Ross

well Phoebe, I think you'll feel better when you know a little bit about Vicrum, His a Kite designer (He makes a wow face) and he used to date Oprah. (He makes another wow face)

Phoebe

I'm not going along with some lie you made Ross, No I'm just gonna be honest with him.

Ross

Good yeah just be honest with him.

Phoebe

yeah I've nothing to be ashamed of ok so I haven't been in a relationship that lasted longer then a month. Ok I haven't had a real boyfriend you know if he can't handle that he can leave. which he will and that's ok. so I'll just be alone forever you know alright I'll be. it'll be fine. it'll be fine. I'll go walking tours with widows and lesbians. Oh (takes a deep breath and sits down, knock on the door)

Ross

I'll get it

Phoebe

ok

Mike

(Ross opens the door) You know I'm trying to think of the last time I opened a door and you weren't there, Phoebe are you ok? (She has her hands over her mouth)

Phoebe

Uh huh yeah (stands up) there's just something umm, there's something you should know (Pause) Vicrum just called.

Scene 9

Joey is back at Hayley's place after there date.

Hayley

so it was kind of a shock after 25 years of marriage my parents, a perfect couple getting divorced, I kinda took it the hardest cause I was the youngest.

Joey

Uh huh, sure, yeah. How can you not remember me?

Hayley

What?

Joey

How could you not remember that we slept together?

Hayley

What! When?

Joey

I dunno!

Hayley

I really, really think I would remember sleeping with you

Joey

come on, come on, search your brain all right. it was (thinks) a certain amount of time ago, I was here you were here, we had sex (starts pointing out the places) here, here, here NOT there. Anything?

Hayley

no it's not ringing any bells.

Joey

my god woman! How many people do you have to had been with not to remember any of this?

Hayley's roommate

Hey Hayley you've really gotta fix that doorknob. Joey!

Joey

Ooooooooooh, I slept with you! And you obviously remember me Hey! I still got it. (Turns back to Hayley) so were good. (She just glares at him) I'll let myself out.

Scene 10

Phoebe is sitting with Mike, explaining about Vicrum.

Phoebe

.and I said Vicrum you can't just call every time you get lonely you know, you, you gave up that right when you slept with Rachel.

Mike

But Rachel I thought she just had a baby with Ross

Phoebe

yeah well (pause) yeah you know Emma's birth certificate might say Geller but her eyes say Mookurgee.

Mike

that is so wrong and on top of that his a glue sniffer.

Phoebe

I know but he call's and my heart goes to him. You know that bastard is one smooth talking free lance kite designer.

Mike

I just think there's somebody better out there for you, (pause) I mean I'm not saying me but. maybe me.

Phoebe

Oh.

Mike

and you don't have to worry about glue sniffing with me. although I do smell the occasional magic marker, yeah ah anyway I just think I can make you happy.

Phoebe

ok I can't do this.

Mike

what's wrong?

Phoebe

well there is no Vicrum, Ross made him up because I never really have been in a long-term relationship, I've never lived with a guy, and I've never even celebrated an anniversary so. (Pause) if that's too weird for you and you wanna leave I totally understand. In fact I'll close my eye's make it less awkward (She sits with her eyes closed and Mike kisses her, Phoebe opens her eyes and like a little child says.) You kissed me.

Mike

uh huh

Phoebe

so you don't think I'm a total freak

Mike

No. well look can I think your weird and also cool for telling me the truth and also wanna kiss you.

Phoebe

I guess so, can I. can I think it's cool that you kiss me and also wanna kiss you again (they get closer to kiss and Phoebe pulls back) and umm, be a little concerned about the magic markers.

Mike

Definitely

Ross

(They kiss and the phone rings and machine picks it up, its Ross putting on an accent pretending to be Vicrum) This is Vicrum.

Scene 11

Chandler arrives home and Monica's got a video of Sharks ready for Chandler.

Chandler

Hi honey I'm home!

Monica

Chandler

oh it was great.

Monica

Chandler

well, well, well it must be five in Tulsa because it's six o clock IN NY.C!

Monica

Chandler

(Chandler looking confused) Honey why am I watching a bunch of sharks swimming around.

Monica

Chandler

no I'm not quite sure you got the right movie that's all.

Monica

Chandler

does what always have to be sharks.

Monica

Chandler

What's going on?

Monica

Chandler

let ME be a part of this!

Monica

Chandler

no they don't

Monica

Chandler

OH MY GOD! When you came in I switched the channel, I was just watching regular porn

Monica

Chandler

yeah just some good old fashion girl on girl American action.

Monica

Chandler

You are an amazing wife. (Monica shrugs) No really you're amazing you were actually gonna do this for me, I mean where do you find the strength and understanding over something like that.

Monica

(They hug, Scene fades to black)

Scene 12

Phoebe is in central-perk with Joey telling him what Ross said t her at the beginning.

Joey

(looks at a girl walk in) see ordinarily I would talk to her, but my confidence is shaken did I sleep with her? Did I not sleep with her?

Phoebe

you know maybe this is a wake up call, about your whole dating attitude. Your in your thirty's and you've never had a serious relationship and you have never been in a long term relationship, here you go from woman to woman, meaningless experience to meaningless experience never even worrying that it doesn't tern into anything serious.

Joey

your right! I love my life! (He gets up to go and speak to the girl and he turns back and sits down) I actually did sleep with her.

END