• logo Screen Scripts
  •  /  Friends  /  S05E06 The One With The Yeti


    • new scene
    • Scene 1

      Chandler and Joey's, Monica and Chandler are making out on one of the chairs.

    • joey
    • Joey
      (entering) Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!! None of that, not while you're living under my roof!
    • monica
    • Monica
      What?!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Look, just because I know about you two, doesn't mean I like looking at it.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Aren't you supposed to be at an audition for another hour?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Well, I'm sorry if I'm not a middle-aged black woman! (Starts for his room.) And I'm also sorry if sometimes I go to the wrong audition! Okay, look, if I have to pretend I don't know about you two, then you two are gonna have to pretend there's nothing to know about.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Okay.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Sorry.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Sorry.
    • (They wait for Joey to go into his room and close the door and then start making out again.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      (from the bedroom) I can hear that!
    • monica
    • Monica
      (To Chandler) Rachel's at work.
    • (They both go to her apartment.)
    • (Pause.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      I can still hear you!
    • OPENING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 2

      Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, and Monica are there as Phoebe enters carrying a large box.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hey!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hello!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hey, what's that?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah, my mom sent me a family heirloom that once belonged to my grandmother. Can you believe it?! A year ago I didn't even have a family, and now I have heirlooms for crying out loud.
    • (She puts her leg up on the chair and removes this huge knife from her boot to open the box with. The guys are shocked at the knife's existence.)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Eeeee-(She opens the box and removes its contents and sees that it's a fur coat.)-ohh!! God! (She throws it at Joey.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Argh-argh!! (Catches the coat.) Ooh, soft. Is this mink?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah! Why would my mother send me a fur? Doesn't she know me but at all! Plus, I have a perfectly fine coat that no innocent animal suffered to make!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah, just some 9-year-old Filipino kids who worked their fingers bloody for 12 cents an hour. (Phoebe stares at him wide-eyed. Chandler sees her reaction.) That didn't happen, I made that up!
    • ross
    • Ross
      (entering) Hey!
    • Gunther
      Oh, Ross? Ross! You can't put up flyers in here.
    • ross
    • Ross
      How come? Everybody else does.
    • Gunther
      You can't.
    • monica
    • Monica
      What is that?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh, umm, I'm just getting rid of a couple of things.
    • monica
    • Monica
      (looking at the flyer) This is all of your things.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yes, yes it is! No, but it's good it's-Emily thinks we should get all new stuff. Stuff that's just ours, together. Y'know brand new.
    • monica
    • Monica
      So basically, this is a getting-rid-of-everything-Rachel-ever-used sale.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Touched. Used. Sat on. Sleep on.
    • Gunther
      I'll take it all.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey, Ross, you're okay with that?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Look, if I can just do what Emily wants and get her to New York, I'm sure everything will be fine.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Okay, but don't you think this is a little extreme?
    • ross
    • Ross
      After what I did? Can you blame her?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh my God! You got off easy! When my friend Silvie's husband said someone else's name in bed, she cursed him and turned his thingy green.
    • (Ross suddenly gets up and heads for the bathroom.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      (after Ross is gone) What is he doing? What, Emily, thinks Ross's furniture has got Rachel coodies?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Now calm down Joey.
    • joey
    • Joey
      No! Everything's gettin' all messed up, y'know? Emily won't let Ross see Rachel, we're not gonna stop seeing Rachel, hence Ross stops seeing us!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, I hate this. Everything's changing.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah I know, we're losing Ross, Joey said hence...
    • monica
    • Monica
      Look, I'm not happy about this either, but y'know if-if Ross says he's happy then we're just gonna have to keep our feelings about Emily to ourselves. Are you cool with that?
    • joey
    • Joey
      No! But y'know, I'm an actor, I'll act cool.
    • new scene
    • Scene 3

      The Storage Room in the basement of Monica and Rachel's building, Monica and Rachel are looking for something.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ohh, whoa God! Storage rooms give me the creeps! Monica, come on please hurry up honey! Please?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Rachel, if you want the little round waffles, you gotta have to wait until I find the little waffle iron.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I want the little round waffles.
    • monica
    • Monica
      All right. (Looking through a box.) Op, here it is! Right underneath the can of-of bug bomb. I wonder if the best place to put something that cooks food is underneath the can of poison?
    • (The single light flickers and goes out. Leaving the room in total darkness.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Okay, y'know what? I'll-I'll have toast!
    • (She starts to run out but is stopped by a figure looming out of the darkness carrying a pick axe.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Arghhhh!!!!!!
    • (They both start screaming at the top of their lungs.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh my God! Fog him! Fog him!
    • (Rachel grabs the bug bomb, activates it, throws it at the figure, and they both run out through the fog.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 4

      Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are there.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I don't know what I'm gonna do about this coat.
    • joey
    • Joey
      I'll take it!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      That might work! (She gives him the coat.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Ooh-ooh-ooh, yeah! (He drapes it around his shoulders.) Enh? All right, what do you think?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You're on in 5 Ms. Minnelli.
    • ross
    • Ross
      (on the phone) No-no-no, it's just a bit sudden. (Listens) No, it's great. Okay? I'm totally on board. I love you too, all righty. Bye. (Hangs up.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      What's the matter Ross?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Nothing. Oh, actually, great news! I just got off the phone with Emily and it looks like I'm moving to a new apartment. Woo-hoo!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Why?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Well, her thought is, and I agree, fresh new furniture, why not a fresh new apartment? Her cousin has this great place to sublet, it's got a view of the river on one side and Columbia on the other.
    • joey
    • Joey
      That's way uptown! That's like three trains away! (Phoebe pinches him.) Which is great! I love to ride that rail!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      So you're really okay with this?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yes! Yes! I mean it's-it's kinda far from work, but uh, y'know, I'll get so much done on the commute. I-I've been given the gift of time!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Now that's so funny, because last Christmas I got the gift of space. We should get them together and make a continuum.
    • (Ross exits.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Now he's movin'? Man, what is Emily doing to him? (Phoebe pinches him again.) Ow!! He's not even here!!!
    • (Monica and Rachel enter breathless.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      You guys! You guys!
    • monica
    • Monica
      We were, we were just in the storage area and we saw this really creepy man!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      It was like this crazy-eyed, hairy beast man! He was like a, like a bigfoot or a yeti or something!
    • monica
    • Monica
      And he came at us with an axe, so Rachel had to use a bug bomb on him!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (proud of herself) Yeah, I-I-I just pulled the tab and I just fogged his yeti ass!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Uhh, like dark hair, bushy beard?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, you fogged Danny.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Please! We did not fog Danny! Who's Danny?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Dan just moved in downstairs. Yeah, he just got back from like this four-month trek in the Andes. Nice fella.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh he's nice. He's nice! Y'know, you always stick up for the people we fog!
    • new scene
    • Scene 5

      Their Building, Monica and Rachel are going to apologize to Danny. Rachel knocks on his door, which he opens and he has this really bushy beard and long hair. Picture Paul Bunyan.

    • Danny
      Yeah?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hi! You might not remember us, but we are the girls that fogged you.
    • monica
    • Monica
      We're-we're really sorry we fogged you.
    • Danny
      Okay.
    • (He closes the door. Rachel's not happy with that and knocks again. He opens the door.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hi! Just so you know, we-we didn't mean to fog you, we thought you were like a yeti or something.
    • Danny
      Okay.
    • (He closes the door again. Once again, Rachel knocks (harder this time) and he answers it.)
    • Danny
      Yesss?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I don't think we can accept your acceptance of our apology, it just doesn't really seem like you mean it.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yeah.
    • Danny
      O-kay!
    • (He closes the door before Rachel can say anything.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Wow! That guy is so rude!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Really! What is with that guy? I mean you'd forgive me if I fogged you.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well you did a little bit.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh my God, honey, I'm so sorry!
    • monica
    • Monica
      I totally forgive you!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Really?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yes!
    • new scene
    • Scene 6

      Monica and Rachel's, Monica is making a drink as Phoebe enters with the fur coat.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hey!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hey!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      So listen, you know my friend Chris who owns the crematorium?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Crematorium Chris? Sure!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      He says, that he would cremate my fur coat for free if I umm, y'know, bring in the next person I know who dies.
    • (Rachel enters from the bathroom and sees the coat.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh my God! Oh my God, look at these pelts!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Don't get too attached, she's having it cremated.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What? Uhh, Phoebe, honey, honey, I know you're quirky and I get a big kick out of it, we all do actually, but if you destroy a coat like this that is like a crime against nature! Not nature, fashion!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      This is fashion?! (Grabs the coat from Rachel.) Okay, so to you, death is fashion?! That's really funny. (She puts the coat on and starts to model it.) Here's Phoebe umm, sporting uh, y'know, cutting edge hairy carcass from y'know, the steal traps of wintry Russia. I mean, you really thing this looks good? (Sees herself in the mirror.) 'Cause I do.
    • new scene
    • Scene 7

      Ross's Apartment, the gang is helping Ross move out by carrying boxes. Chandler has picked a particularly large and apparently heavy box, because he takes a running start at it and still can't budge it.

    • ross
    • Ross
      (on phone) I know I miss you too. I can't wait to see you. I love you. Bye. (Hangs up.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Okay, what is in here? Rocks?
    • ross
    • Ross
      No-no, this is my collection of fossil samples.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      So, rocks.
    • (He picks up a smaller box and carries it to the moving van as Joey returns.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      I'm really gonna miss this apartment. Y'know, Ben-Ben took his first steps right over there. (Points.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Ohh. Hey, remember when I ran into this thing (The shutters that close off the kitchen.) and it kinda knocked me out a little?
    • ross
    • Ross
      I loved this place! To tell you the truth, I wish I didn't have to move.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Uhh, are you saying that you're not entirely happy about this?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Well, I mean if uh, if Emily gave me a choice...
    • joey
    • Joey
      You do have a choice!! Ross, why are you listening to her?! Are you, are you crazy?!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Why?
    • joey
    • Joey
      It's not right what Emily wants you to do! She is totally-(The gang enters behind Joey and Phoebe pinches him again.)-Owww!! Stop pinching me! Look, now you guys said I only had to keep my mouth shut as long as Ross was happy, right? Well he just told me that he's not entirely happy.
    • ross
    • Ross
      What's going on?
    • joey
    • Joey
      We all hate Emily!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Nooo!!
    • monica
    • Monica
      No, Ross, we do not hate Emily. We-we just, we just think that you're having to sacrifice a whole lot to make her happy.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Look, we just think that maybe she's being a little unreasonable.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yes! Yes! Unreasonable!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Unreasonable? How about we have this conversation when one of you guys gets married! You have no idea what it takes to make a marriage work! All right, it's about compromise! Do you always like it? No! Do you do it? Yes! Because it's not all laughing, happy, candy in the sky, drinking coffee at Central Perk all the time! It's real life, okay? It's what grown-ups do! (He storms out.)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I think he's right. You guys hang out at the coffeehouse way too much.
    • COMMERCIAL BREAK
    • new scene
    • Scene 8

      Central Perk, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler are recovering from Ross's rebuke.

    • monica
    • Monica
      God, I feel so guilty about Ross.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, I know.
    • joey
    • Joey
      I kinda feel like it's my fault.
    • (Monica and Chandler turn and stare at him.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Kind of? If you just kept this to yourself none of this would've happened.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Well, I'm keeping so many things to myself these days, something was bound to slip out! (He glares at Chandler.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, I think it's very brave what you said.
    • (Monica pats Joey on the shoulder.)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      All right, I can't sit here anymore. I have to walk places. (She puts on her fur coat.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Pheebs, what are you doing with the coat? How about the whole animal rights thing?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well, I've been reading up and for your information, minks are not very nice. Okay, I admit it! I love this coat! Okay, I-it's the best thing I've ever had wrapped around me, including Phil Huntley! (She starts to leave but stops and says to Monica.) Remember Phil Huntley? He was fine!
    • new scene
    • Scene 9

      Their building's lobby, Danny is checking his mailbox as Rachel enters carrying shopping bags and goes to her mailbox. Danny has shaved his beard and cut his hair, Rachel doesn't recognize him.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hi!
    • Danny
      So you like the short hair better.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What? Yeti-I mean Danny?
    • Danny
      I had to cut my hair to get rid of the uh, fogger smell.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh. Listen, I'm so sorry. I would, I would've never fogged you if y'know if you hadn't looked so.... Y'know.
    • Danny
      Absolutely. Some people are just into appearances.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (shocked) What?
    • Danny
      That's cool. Cool. (Starts to leave.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What? Hey! No-no-no! This not cool! You don't even know me!
    • Danny
      Come on, you got the shopping bags and the Sack's catalog.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      So from that you think you've got me all figured out? Well, you don't! Y'know I-I could have toys for underprivileged kids in here!
    • Danny
      Do you?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well, y'know, if-if kids like to play with Capri pants.
    • Danny
      Okay. (Heads for his apartment.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      And stop saying that! I hate that!
    • Danny
      Okay!
    • (Rachel decides not to give up that easily and follows him to his apartment and bangs on the door, which he opens.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Fine! I judged you. I made a snap judgement. But you did it too! And you are worse because you are sticking to your stupid snap judgement! You can't even open up your mind for a second to see if you're wrong! What does that say about you?
    • Danny
      The pizza-place across the street any good?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What?!
    • Danny
      I'm hungry. Wanna get some pizza? You can keep yelling if there's more.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Okay. Okay.
    • Danny
      Stop saying that. I hate that.
    • new scene
    • Scene 10

      Ross's now empty apartment, he is spackling some holes shut as the gang comes to apologize.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Uh, Ross?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Are you still mad at us?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yep.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh good! Because we have an "I'm sorry" song.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Y'know what? I'm really not in the mood.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Look, Ross, I feel really bad. I mean, you're going through all this stuff and I just acted like a jerk.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah, we are so sorry.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (To Chandler) You're kinda stepping on the song. (She gets ready to play but is stopped by...)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Look, we were way out of line, we totally support you.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Whatever you decide, whatever you do.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Okay, now you're just taking lines right out of the song!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Look, this is hard enough! I really need you guys right now.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yes! Exactly! And that's why...
    • (She starts to play her song, but is stopped by Monica.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Why don't you come over tonight? And I'll make you favorite dinner.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Okay. Thanks you guys. Pheebs are you wearing fur?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Okay, let's get some perspective people; it's not like I'm wearing a seeing-eye dog coat!
    • new scene
    • Scene 11

      Monica and Rachel's, the gang, minus Rachel, are getting ready for dinner.

    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey, y'know Ross, I think I kinda understand why I kinda lost it today.
    • ross
    • Ross
      You do, huh?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah you see umm, well, I'm an actor. Right? So I gotta keep my emotions right at the surface y'know? See what I'm saying? I gotta lot of balls in the air. (Makes like he's juggling.) Y'know what I mean? It's tough! Guys like me, y'know, you wander around, you're alone...
    • ross
    • Ross
      What are you talking about?
    • joey
    • Joey
      (thinks) I'm not sure.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (entering) Hi!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hey, look at you! Where have you been?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, I went to have pizza. With Danny.
    • monica
    • Monica
      How did that happen?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      That yeti is one smooth talker.
    • monica
    • Monica
      I hope you're not full, 'cause dinner's almost ready.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, y'know I-I think I'm just gonna hang out in my room.
    • Everyone
      No! Why?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Come on you guys! Listen, if Emily knew I was here having dinner you with you she would flip out and you know it. It's okay, I really... I don't mind.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Wait! Wait! Wait! Y'know what? Just stay. Please? It uh... It would really mean a lot to me if you stayed.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ross, I...
    • joey
    • Joey
      RACHEL PLEASE!!! JUST HAVE DINNER WITH US!!!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Okay. Okay. Joey, it's okay. Settle down.
    • joey
    • Joey
      All right, I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You see Rach I'm an actor...
    • [Time lapse, dinner is now finished and Ross is looking out the window.]
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey! Hey, look! Ugly Naked Guy's back!
    • (They all run over to the window.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I haven't seen him in so long!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh God, I really missed that fat bastard!
    • (Pause.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Wow, this is so weird. I just realized this might be the last time we'll all be hanging out together.
    • joey
    • Joey
      It's almost as if he knew.
    • (The phone rings.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      I'll get it. (On phone.) Hello. (Listens.) Hi Emily! (Listens.) Yeah, uh you-you tracked him down. Hold on one second. (She hands the phone to Ross.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey! (Listens.) Yeah-yeah, we're just having dinner. (Listens.) Uh, yeah, sure uh hold on. (To the gang.) She wants to say hi. (To Emily) Hold on.
    • (Ross puts her on speakerphone.)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hi Emily!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hi!
    • Emily
      Hello everyone. So who am I saying hello too?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Well uh, I don't know about who's here, but I can tell you for damn sure who's not here and that's Rachel!!
    • Emily
      (laughs) Well, I should hope not. Ross knows better than that by now.
    • (Rachel waves her hands in disgust and starts to head for her room.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Y'know what? Uh, Rachel is here! (Rachel stops.)
    • Emily
      She's there?!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh yeah, there-there she is!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah, yeah, she's here.
    • Emily
      Ross, take me off speakerphone.
    • (He does so.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      (on phone) Hi.
    • Emily
      How can you do this too me?! I thought I'd made my feelings about Rachel perfectly clear!
    • ross
    • Ross
      (going onto the patio) Look Emily, I'm just having dinner with my friends, okay?
    • Emily
      You obviously can't keep away from her.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Emily that's ridiculous. Look, I'm-I'm moving for you, I'm cutting friends out of my life for you. Please, just get on the plane and come to New York. Okay, you'll see you're the only person I want to be with.
    • Emily
      I'll feel better when I'm there, and I can know where you are all the time.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Well, you can't know where I am all the time. Look, this marriage is never gonna work if you don't trust me.
    • Emily
      You're right.
    • ross
    • Ross
      So, can you trust me?
    • (Pause.)
    • Emily
      No.
    • (Ross lowers his head.)
    • [Cut to the inside of the apartment.]
    • joey
    • Joey
      I think it's going okay. Looks like he's smiling.
    • monica
    • Monica
      How can you tell? You can only see the back of his head!
    • joey
    • Joey
      You can totally tell! Here look, watch me. (He stands up and turns his back to them so that he is facing the window.) Smile! Frown. Smile! Frown. (The camera cuts to Ross outside hanging up the phone.) Smile! (Ross turns around and sees Joey alternately smiling and frowning and just stares at him for a second and heads back inside.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Well, I guess that's it.
    • Everyone
      Why, what happened?
    • joey
    • Joey
      What happened? What happened?
    • ross
    • Ross
      My marriage is over.
    • Everyone
      What?!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh, sweetie. Oh, look at you. You're shivering.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Here. (She wraps her coat around his shoulders.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ross, honey, is there anything we can do?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah. You can help me get my furniture back from Gunther.
    • CLOSING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 12

      A curbside newsstand, Phoebe is whistling and walking up to it wearing her fur coat. She stops and starts to look through a magazine and notices a squirrel on a nearby tree chirping at her.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (to the squirrel) Okay, stop tormenting me! This mink! Okay, they're mean! And they hate squirrels! And y'know, okay, most of these probably wanted to be coats! (The squirrel stares at her.) All right, fine, now I get it. (To the clerk.) Here. (She hands him her coat.) You take it. (To the squirrel.) Are you happy now? I'm cold!
    • END