The One Where Ross Can't Flirt | S05E19

/ Friends / S05E19 The One Where Ross Can't Flirt

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Scene 1

Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is getting ready for a date with Monica as Ross enters.

Ross

Hey!

Chandler

Hey!

Ross

Wow! You look nice. What's the occasion?

Chandler

Monica and I are celebrating our ten-month anniversary, we've got reservations at Ja George.

Ross

Wow! How'd you get in there?

Chandler

Made a few calls, pulled some strings, and they agreed to seat us at 11:30 if we both had the chicken and didn't get desert.

(There's a knock on the door and Chandler answers it. It's the pizza delivery girl.)

Delivery Girl

Hi Chandler!

Chandler

Hey Caitlin! Somebody got a haircut.

Caitlin

Ugh, I hate it! I look like an 8-year-old boy.

Chandler

Yeah, if that was true, gym class would've been a lot more interesting.

Caitlin

It's uh, 27 dollars even.

Chandler

Oh, okay. (Hands her the money.) Here you go.

(The duck starts quacking.)

Caitlin

Hey, where's the chicken?

Chandler

Oh, he's in the back. The duck pissed him off, said that eggs came first.

Caitlin

(laughs) Great. I'll see you later!

Chandler

Okay, bye!

(He closes the door and turns to see Ross glaring at him.)

Ross

What the hell was that?!

Chandler

What?

Ross

The flirting! Aren't you supposed to be going out with, I don't know hmm, let's say my sister?!

Chandler

I was not flirting.

Ross

It was totally flirting. "Somebody got a haircut (Makes some whiney, nasally noises.)"

Chandler

Okay first of all, the impression, uncanny. And second, that was not flirting, that was just casual conversation between two people. That is all.

Ross

Yeah, right.

Chandler

You wanna see flirting? I'll show you flirting. (Starts to move towards Ross.)

Ross

(backing away) I'm good.

OPENING CREDITS

Scene 2

Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are in the kitchen.

Rachel

I am so proud of Joey, I can't believe he's going to be on Law & Order!

Phoebe

I know. But don't you think that it should be called Order and Law?

Rachel

No because first they arrest the guy and then they try him.

Phoebe

Don't get me started on that.

(Ross and Chandler enter with the pizzas.)

Chandler

I was not flirting.

Ross

And on your anniversary, for shame!

Rachel

What's going on?

Ross

Chandler was hitting on the hot delivery girl!

Chandler

I was not and oh God, shh!

Ross

Well I'm sorry but you were! Okay? And besides if anyone should be hitting on her it's the guy who's single, the guy that who-who-who can do something about it.

Phoebe

Sounds like somebody wants to be Mr. Pizza Delivery Girl.

Ross

Well...

Chandler

Is that what this is about? You like Caitlin?

(Ross looks at Rachel.)

Rachel

Ross! We broke up two years ago; you've been married since then. I think it's okay that we see other people.

Ross

Well, I-I was watching her the other day at the pizza place.

Rachel

Hm-mmm.

Ross

And she's just so sexy and funny and has the cutest little...

Rachel

Okay, y'know what? We don't need her measurements.

Phoebe

(looking through the pizzas) Okay pepperoni, pepperoni, pepperoni, okay Ross, I know she's pretty and you love her, but is she stupid?! She forgot my vegetarian!

Ross

This is perfect! She'll have to come back here with your pizza, and when she does, I'll turn on the Charm-O-Ross. Oh I'm so glad you don't eat meat.

Phoebe

See? Vegetarianism benefits everyone.

Joey

(entering, with his grandmother) Hey everybody, look who's here! You remember my grandmother!

Rachel

Big night!

Phoebe

This is so cool!

Chandler

So, Joey on Law & Order, you must be very proud!

Joey

Chandler, she doesn't understand a word of English.

Chandler

I'm sorry, I thought you were Joey's other grandmother. (She just stares at him.) I've done it again.

Joey

She's my biggest fan. Yeah, she's the only one in the family that's believed in me.

(They both start speaking Italian to each other, and since I'm not Italian and don't understand one word, we'll move on to the English portion of the show. Not, that I'm English. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that I'm not. Y'know I think I should shut-up now and move on. Anyhoo, she says something about Joey being fat I think based on this line.)

Joey

Yeah, I uh weighted like 27 pounds when I was born so...

Monica

(entering from the bathroom) Hey! Happy Anniversary!

Chandler

Happy Anniversary, 10 months! (They kiss.)

Monica

So umm, when I was in the shower I was thinking about our first night in London...

Chandler

Uhh, Joey's grandmother is right there. (Points)

Monica

Is that the one that speaks English or the one that doesn't?

Chandler

The one that doesn't.

Monica

That was some hot love you gave me! I'm gonna go get ready.

Chandler

Hey, why don't you wear those earrings I gave you?

Monica

That's a great idea! I was saving them for something special.

Chandler

Okay.

Monica

(runs over to Phoebe) You have got to go home!

Phoebe

But I like it here!

Monica

You gotta go home and get the earrings that you borrowed from me okay? Chandler wants me to wear them tonight.

Phoebe

Okay, well I think that they're in my purse. Why don't you go get dressed and I'll look for them.

Monica

Great!

Phoebe

Okay! (Walks over to Rachel) Rach, hi, I need those earrings you borrowed.

Rachel

Oh, umm, okay, yeah, I'll be, yeah I'll be right back. (Goes to her room.)

(Phoebe then gets possessed 'cause she starts speaking in tongues. She speaks Italian to Joey's grandmother. She is quickly exorcised and returns to speaking in English. Of course, too most people English is a strange language as well. But none of them are probably reading this and if they were they wouldn't understand it. So why am I talking about them? I have absolutely no clue. Moving on...)

Joey

Wow Pheebs, you speak Italian?

Phoebe

I guess so. (See, the brief possession didn't affect her at all, like we could really tell.)

Rachel

(She enters and hands Phoebe the earring) Here you go. Thank you!

Phoebe

Wait, Rach! Where's the other one?

Rachel

Oh what, you-you want both of them?

Phoebe

Rachel Karen Green, where's the other earring?!

Rachel

Okay, okay, okay, look, just don't freak out, but I kinda lost it. I know it's in the apartment, but I definitely lost it.

Phoebe

Well, what am I going to tell Monica? She wants to wear them tonight!

Rachel

Tell her to wear her own earrings.

Phoebe

These are her earrings.

Rachel

Nooo! Nooooo! You lent me Monica's earrings?! I'm not allowed to borrow her stuff!

Phoebe

Why not?

Rachel

Because I lose her stuff!

[Time Lapse, the gang is now watching Law & Order. By the way, the entire rest of the episode takes place in Monica and Rachel's apartment. Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together? Something to think about.]

Joey

Okay, see that blind guy right there? I'm gonna bash his head in later.

(His grandmother asks him something.)

Joey

Oh umm, my big scene is coming up. Big scene coming up.

Chandler

If you said, "Big lima bean, bubbling up." Would she understand the difference?

Monica

(noticing Rachel crawling behind the couch) Rach? What are you doing?

Rachel

Oh boy, I just can't watch. It's too scary!

Monica

It's a diaper commercial.

Rachel

Oh yeah well, you know me, babies, responsibilities, ahhh!!!

(There's a knock on the door.)

Caitlin

Pizza delivery!

Ross

I'll get it! I will get that! (Runs over and opens the door.)

Caitlin

Hi!

Ross

Hi!

Caitlin

One uh, vegetarian pizza. That's $12.15.

Ross

Oh. Uh, by the way, if it makes you feel any better. I happen to like 8-year-old boys.

Caitlin

What?!

Ross

(I can't make it out.) The uh, your hair, before, your hair, you said you thought your looks like an 8-year-old's, and I'm just saying I like it. The hair.

Caitlin

Oh. Thanks.

Ross

You understand I don't actually like 8-year-old boys.

Caitlin

Y'know, all I'm looking for is the money.

Chandler

Here you go. (Hands her the money.) Now stop bringing us pizzas you.

Caitlin

I'm gonna try. (Walks away and Ross closes the door.)

Chandler

You're welcome.

Ross

You couldn't let me have her, could ya?!

Chandler

What?

Ross

This is a girl that I really like and had too swoop in there!

Monica

What's goin' on?

Ross

Chandler was totally flirting with the hot delivery girl!

Chandler

Thank you for that! (To Monica) I was not flirting.

Monica

It's okay. I don't care. It's uh, it's fine.

Ross

Really?!

Chandler

Really?!

Monica

It's no big deal, I do it all the time.

Chandler

(starts to laugh, but then gets serious) So umm, you-you flirt with guys all the time?

Monica

Sure! It doesn't mean anything! Just like I know it doesn't mean anything with you!

Chandler

Okay, but there is a big difference. You are a lot hotter than I am.

Joey

(walking past) True story! (Goes and sits down.)

Monica

Chandler, this actually bothers you?

Chandler

Yes, it does bother me! And I think it would bother a lot of people. Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women?

Rachel

Uhh, no, no, it bothered me when he slept with other women.

Ross

And thank you, for that.

Rachel

But y'know, I never really had anything to worry about. Ross was never very good at the flirting thing.

Ross

What? (Mumbles) What-what, what are talking about? It-it worked with you.

Rachel

Oh! Y'know what? You're right! We meet, you flirted and then bamn nine years later you had me!

Ross

All right, all right. You-you-you know what I'm going to do? I am going to order another pizza and when Caitlin gets here, you-you--I will show how well I flirt. Yeah! I will, I will get her phone number! (To Chandler) And not the one on the menu!

Phoebe

(entering from Rachel's bedroom) I found it!

Rachel

Ohh! Thank God! Where was it?

Phoebe

On your dresser.

Rachel

Okay that is the one we already have!

Joey

Okay, here's my big scene. My big scene's here! (They have two of the cops on the street, then they cut to where they're entering an apartment.) Oh my God.

Monica

What?

Joey

(smiling) Okay, everybody just keep smiling. It'll kill my grandmother if she finds out.

Chandler

(smiling) Well, what is it?

Joey

(smiling) Oh, they cut me out of the show.

Rachel

(smiling) What?!

Ross

(smiling) Are you sure?

Phoebe

(smiling) Maybe your scene's coming up?

Joey

(smiling) Not likely. 'Cause you see that body bag right there

Rachel

(smiling) Yeah.

Joey

(smiling) I'm in it.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Scene 3

Monica and Rachel's, it's continued from before the commercial break.

Phoebe

(smiling) This is terrible, what are you going to do?

Joey

(smiling) I don't know. This little, old lady lives for my career. When they dumped me off of Days of Our Lives she almost died.

Phoebe

(not smiling) That's not good.

Joey

(smiling) No, smile! Not that face, smile! Everybody smile! (They all smile.)

Rachel

(smiling) Joey, why don't you just tell her what happened? It's not your fault.

Chandler

(smiling) If we keep talking this way, aren't we gonna freak her out soon?

Grandma Tribbiani

(Something in Italian to Joey.)

Joey

Soon, soon, I'm gonna be on soon. There I am! (Points to the screen, of course it isn't him.)

Grandma Tribbiani

(pointing at the screen) No! Sam Waterston!

Joey

No-no-no, that-that's me, that's me.

Grandma Tribbiani

No, it's Sam Waterston! Crimes and Misdemeanors, Capricorn One.

Chandler

Doesn't know, "Hello." But she knows Capricorn One.

(Phoebe gets up.)

Monica

(following her) Phoebe! I have to have those earrings, we're going to leave as soon as the show is over.

Phoebe

But I already gave them back to you!

Monica

No you didn't.

Phoebe

All right, I already didn't give them back to you, that's what I said. (Walks away over to Rachel.) Where is that other earring?

Rachel

It's not here Pheebs, it's not here. Ohh, I went to Joey and Chandler's last night! Okay! (Goes to the door.)

Phoebe

Make sure you check Chandler's jewelry box.

Rachel

Wait a minute. Chandler has a jewelry box?

Phoebe

Okay, we have like ten minutes. Do you want me to get into that now?!

(Rachel heads for Joey and Chandler's and Phoebe heads for the kitchen to find Ross.)

Ross

(To Phoebe) Hey Pheebs! How's that uh, vegetarian pizza working out for ya? You and those vegetables have a real thing going on, huh?

Phoebe

(she just looks at him) Why are you being weird?

Ross

Do you like it?

Phoebe

No, that would be, "Why are you being cute?"

Ross

Okay, I'm working on my flirting.

Phoebe

Ohh! I did not get that.

[Cut to Chandler and Monica on the couch.]

Chandler

So uh Monica, do you, do you like the Law & Order?

Monica

Yeah, it's good.

Chandler

See, I'm finding out all this stuff about you today, like you like the Law & Order and that you flirted with every guy in the Tri-State area!

Monica

Chandler! (Joey and his grandmother shush them and wave them away, which they do.) Okay, let me get this straight, it's okay for you to flirt, but not for me.

Chandler

Oh, I'm so glad we cleared that up. Look, I'm sorry, some things are different for men and for women.

Monica

Go on, teach me something about men and women.

Chandler

Okay, I've already taught you so much already, but whatever. See when you flirt with a guy you think, "I'm just flirting, no big deal." But the guy is thinking, "Finally! Somebody who wants to sleep with me!"

Monica

No way!

Chandler

It's true.

Monica

Well that's pathetic!

Chandler

Again true.

Monica

And this goes for all guys?

Chandler

All guys that are awake. Then we go to sleep and then all the guys from the other end of the world wake up and behave the exact same way.

Joey

(To Ross in the kitchen) All right, it's another commercial; I still haven't told her!

Ross

Joey! This is like the last commercial. You've got like (checks his watch) ten minutes left!

Joey

I know, I know! What am I going to do? (Thinks) Ooh!

Monica

No! You are not gonna run out and leave her here!

Joey

(dejected) Yeah, all right. (Thinks of something.) Ooh! (He quickly runs out before anyone can stop him.)

Grandma Tribbiani

Joey!

Chandler

Uh, Joey is gonna be right back. Right back! (Tries to pantomime it for her.) Meanwhile, let's-let's-let's talk about you. (Pause.) So, you're old and small.

[Time lapse, Rachel is coming back from Chandler and Joey's.]

Rachel

(entering) (To Phoebe) (whispering) Hey!

Phoebe

Did you find it?

Rachel

The earring? No. But look, I found my sunglasses under the couch! I've been looking for these since like last summer. (Puts 'em on.)

Phoebe

Okay, those are my sunglasses, you borrowed them from me.

Rachel

Okay, calm down, here they are. (Gives back the sunglasses.)

Monica

(entering from her room) Phoebe! (Motions for the earrings. Phoebe gives her the one-minute sign.)

Phoebe

(To Rachel) What are we going to do?!

Rachel

I don't know, I don't know.

Phoebe

All right well, we're just gonna have to tell Monica, that's all.

Rachel

Oh gosh, she's going to kill me.

Phoebe

I suppose I could tell her it's just all my fault.

Rachel

Ohh that'd be great!

Phoebe

Mon, can I talk to you for a sec?

Monica

Yeah, what is it?

Phoebe

Umm, I lost one of your earrings. I'm sorry! I am so, so sorry!

Monica

(shocked) Wow! All right well, I mean, what can you do? If you lost it you lost it.

Phoebe

I will replace it, I promise. I feel so terrible.

Monica

All right, sweetie that's fine. You didn't do it on purpose.

Phoebe

No.

Monica

Look at you! Come here! (They hug.) Feel better?

Phoebe

Yeah! You're the best!

Rachel

Okay, wait a minute. Wait a minute, I-I-I, I can't do this. Listen honey, this is, it's not Phoebe's fault. She lent me the earrings, and I lost it. I'm so sorry. Honey, I feel terrible too. (Holds out her arms for a hug.)

Monica

(angrily) That is exactly why I do not lend you stuff!! (Rachel looks over at Phoebe in resignation.) Okay?! I mean, first it's my jewelry! And if it's not my jewelry, it's-it's my blue sweater! And if it's not my sweater, it's my sunglasses!

Rachel

Your sunglasses?!

Monica

Yes!

Phoebe

Oh, right! (Hands Monica back her sunglasses.)

Caitlin

(from outside) Pizza!

Ross

(running to the door) Oh, mine! Mine! Mine! (to everyone) Okay, here goes. Prepare yourselves for some Class A flirting.

Chandler

Okay, hold on. (Pauses as he readies himself.) Okay. (Walks away.)

Rachel

Honey, you have nothing to prove. And if you really like this girl, I don't flirting is the right thing to... (Ross interrupts and shushes her.)

Ross

You'll see. Okay. (Readies himself.) Oh, what's-what's her name?

Everyone

Caitlin!

Grandma Tribbiani

Caitlin!

Ross

(He opens the door while faking a laugh.) Hey! Oh, we-we can't keep eating like this. (Monica turns her head in shame.)

Caitlin

It's uh, $12.50.

Ross

Okay, (gets the money) so, do you make the pizzas in one of those uh, wood-burning ovens?

Caitlin

No actually umm, I think that they're umm, gas.

Ross

Gas? Wow! Intense.

Chandler

(To Monica) If this is the way all the Gellers flirt, we don't have a problem.

Ross

(to Caitlin) Hey uh, y'know that smell gas has?

Caitlin

(wanting more than anything to get the money and leave this horrible, horrible place) Yeah.

Ross

They put that in.

Caitlin

What?!

Ross

The gas is odorless, but they add the smell so you know when there's a leak.

Caitlin

(getting more desperate to leave) Well okay!

Ross

A lot of other gas smells...

Chandler

Oh the humanity.

Ross

Meth-methane smells...

Caitlin

Y'know what umm, actually I, I really, I should go.

Ross

Oh but I-I-I haven't paid you yet!

Caitlin

Y'know what? That's okay, you guys have ordered so many that this one is on me! (Runs for her life.)

(Ross closes the door slowly.)

Ross

(To All) Was I talking to her about gas?

Chandler

More so than anything else.

Phoebe

I-I-I found it interesting.

Rachel

I'm sorry.

Ross

Look, no-no, hey, hey, don't worry about it! In nine years, she and I will be right there. (Goes and sits on the couch dejectedly.)

Rachel

Okay, well, I'm gonna clear out some of these boxes. (She grabs a couple of the old pizza boxes and exits.)

Phoebe

(walking over to Ross) Ross?

Ross

Yeah?

Phoebe

What else do they add smell too?

Scene 4

The street outside the building, Rachel is running to catch up with Caitlin.

Rachel

Hey! Hey! (Stops Caitlin) Hi! Hey-hey-hey, I'm Rachel! From upstairs? The ones with all the pizza?

Caitlin

Oh, is there a problem?

Rachel

No. No. Every thing's--they're fine. Great pizza. But it's uh, actually umm my friend Ross. He uh, just gets really nervous when he's flirting.

Caitlin

Oh my God! That was flirting?!

Rachel

Yeah.

Caitlin

Wow!

Rachel

I know, I know, but uh just, I'm telling you, once, once you get past that part, that where it-it just feels like you wanna die, he's-he's really a good person.

Caitlin

The guy with the gas?!

Rachel

Yeah. I'm-I'm telling you he's really sweet and he's really funny and he's just ugh, got a good heart. And besides, I y'know, I think he really likes you.

Caitlin

Really?!

Rachel

Well y'know, we have 7 people and like 10 pizzas, what do you think?

Caitlin

I just, I thought Joey was there.

Scene 5

Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey's grandmother are still watching Law & Order.

Rachel

(entering) Hey Ross? Umm, I just ran into Caitlin in the hallway and-and uh, you must be getting better at this flirting stuff than I thought.

Ross

What do you mean?

Rachel

Well, I don't get it, but she wanted me to give you her phone number. (Hands him the slip of paper with the phone number on it.)

Ross

And she just gave you this?

Rachel

Yeah!

Ross

Rach, thanks but uh, I don't need you doing me any favors.

Rachel

I-I-I didn't! I didn't! She thought you were cute.

Ross

Well that I can believe.

Rachel

Yay!

Joey

(entering) Hey! Is the show still on?

Chandler

Almost over man.

Joey

(says hi to his grandma) Look! Oh! (Pointing out the window.) Is that the Pope?! (Chandler and his grandma turn to look and Joey slips a tape into the VCR.)

Chandler

Why am I looking?

Joey

Oh, here I am, here's my big scene!

(Joey has made a little home movie that's his big scene. He braces himself against the door to his apartment and while holding a plastic gun and wearing the same sweater says...)

Joey

(on the tape) All right back off! I gotta gun! I'm not afraid to use it!

Grandma Tribbiani

Oh Joey!

Joey

That's right!

Chandler

You couldn't have at least changed your shirt.

Joey

(on the tape) Now, I wanna a suitcase filled with 100,000 dollars. (The duck quacks, to the duck) Choo! Choo! Choo! (To the imaginary cops) Filled with $100,000 in small bills, and if I don't get it...(the duck quacks louder) Choo!! And if I don't get it, (pause, picks up the duck) I'm gonna shoot this duck!

Phoebe

Oh no!

Joey

(on the tape) I'm comin' out! (He opens the door and hops out pointing the gun in all directions and then runs out of view.)

Ross

(To Phoebe) And she's supposed to buy this?!

Grandma Tribbiani

Joey, bravo! (Starts with that Italian stuff again.)

(Suddenly, the tape cuts away from Joey's impromptu scene, to Chandler standing really, really close to the camera.)

Chandler

(singing) Ground control to Major Tom! Commencing countdown...engines...on!

(Joey and Chandler both run to shut off the tape.)

Joey

(to his grandmother) That's uh, scenes from next week's show. Next week's!

Phoebe

I am definitely gonna watch that!

CLOSING CREDITS

Scene 6

Monica and Rachel's, another time lapse, Monica is seeking advice from Rachel and Phoebe about possible replacement earrings.

Monica

What about these? These look the same?

Phoebe

Definitely!

Monica

Not as each other!

Phoebe

Oh, then no.

(Goes over to Chandler.)

Chandler

(To Monica) Hey!

Monica

Hi!

Chandler

You ready?

Monica

Yeah.

Chandler

You look amazing. I'm the luckiest man in the world.

Monica

Ohh, you're about to get a little luckier.

Chandler

Let me see the earrings.

Monica

Oh, honey, the earrings...

Chandler

(looking at them) They look great! Does your boyfriend have the best taste or what?

Monica

My boyfriend really does have good taste!

(He turns to get his coat and Monica gives Rachel and Phoebe two thumbs up as Chandler walks over to Ross.)

Chandler

(To Ross) Thanks for picking out the earrings man.

Ross

Hm-mmm.

END