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  •  /  Friends  /  S02E12-S02E13 The One After the Superbowl


    • new scene
    • Scene 1

      In a TV commercial that the gang is watching at Monica and Rachel's.

    • [A guy is sitting at his desk and his boss comes in and drops a huge pile of papers on his desk. The guy looks dejected.]
    • Commercial Voiceover
      Can't get the monkey off your back? Then put it in your mouth...
    • [A monkey jumps on the desk and hands the guy a beer. He opens the beer and is suddenly on the beach, in a hammock, with beautiful women all around.]
    • Commercial Voiceover
      ...With MonkeyShine Beer. [MonkeyShine theme] MonkeyShine Beer, 'cause it's a jungle out there.]
    • [Camera pans back from the TV to show the gang watching.]
    • ross
    • Ross
      That commercial always makes me so sad.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, but then the guy opens his beer and those girls run at him, so, everything seems to work out OK.
    • ross
    • Ross
      I meant because the monkey in it reminds me of Marcel.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I can see that, 'cause they both have those big brown eyes and, ya know, the little pouty chin.
    • monica
    • Monica
      And the fact that they're both monkeys.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing, ya know, giving him away.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, Ross, you had to, I mean, he was humping everything in sight. I mean, I have a Malibu Barbi that will no longer be wearing white to her wedding.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Remember when sometimes he'd borrow your hat, and, and when you got it back there'd be little monkey raisins in it.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah, well sure, when he did it, it was funny. When I did it to my boss's hat. . . all of the sudden I have this big attitude problem.
    • OPENING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 2

      Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are at the couch.

    • [Joey enters holding a letter]
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey, hey, check it out, guess what I got.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Rhythm?
    • joey
    • Joey
      No, my first fan mail.
    • Everyone
      Alright!
    • monica
    • Monica
      [reading] 'Dear Dr. Remore, know that I love you and would do anything to have you.' Gosh. 'Your not-so-secretive admirer, Erica Ford.' Ooh wait, 'PS enclosed please find 14 of my eyelashes.'
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ya know, in crazy world, that means you're married.
    • monica
    • Monica
      This wasn't addressed to Days of Our Lives, this is, this came to your apartment. There's no stamp on it, this woman was in our building.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh my god, I got my very own stalker.
    • [Ross enters with a suitcase]
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey guys.
    • Everyone
      Hey.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ooh, where are you off to, Travelin' Jake?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Well, there's this, uh, paleontology conference in L.A. so I figured I'd go and then drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You know I think he will be surprised, 'till he realizes he's a monkey, and uh, you know, isn't capable of that emotion.
    • [Rob (Chris Isaac) enters]
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, Phoebe, that really cute guy is here again.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, oh, OK, so everyone, pretend like I'm telling you a story, OK. And, and it's really funny. So everyone just laugh, now.
    • [Everyone laughs]
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I know, I know. [to Rob] Hello.
    • Rob
      Hi. I'm Rob Dohnen.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hi Rob Dohnen.
    • Rob
      I don't know anything about music, but I think you're really, really great.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, wow.
    • Rob
      Anyway, I schedule performers for the childrens libraries around the city and I was just thinking, have you ever thought about playing your songs for kids?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, I would love to have kids. . . you're, you're the, you're, me play the songs that I will write for them.
    • new scene
    • Scene 3

      Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are standing around in the kitchen.

    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey, whaddya wanna do for dinner?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well we could just stay in and cook for ourselves. [both laugh hysterically]
    • [door buzzer goes off]
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hello.
    • Erica
      It's Erica.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Ah, the stalker.
    • Erica
      Never mind, it's open.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      [Joey grabs a frying pan] Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Let's get out of here.
    • [They run out and knock on Monica and Rachel's door]
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      The one time they're not home.
    • joey
    • Joey
      OK, we'll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won't know it's me 'cause we've never met.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      That's how radio stars escape stalkers.
    • joey
    • Joey
      She's comin'.
    • [Both run back in their apartment. There's a knock at the door.]
    • Erica
      It's me.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Uhh, this is it, this is how we're gonna die. Ready?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Wait, wait, wait. [Opens the top of the dish soap he's holding]
    • [Joey opens the door and sees Erica (Brooke Shields). Joey gets a huge smile and Chandler squeezed the dish soap in the air.]
    • Erica
      Hi.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Erica.
    • new scene
    • Scene 4

      San Diego Zoo. Ross is at the Monkey cages.

    • Lipson
      Hi, Dean Lipson, zoo administrator. I was told you had a question.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Well, I uh, I can't seem to find the monkey I donated last year. He's a capuchan, answers to the name Marcel.
    • Lipson
      Ahh, I'm afraid I have some bad news. Marcel has passed on.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh my God, what happened?
    • Lipson
      Well he got sick, and then he got sicker, and then he got a little better but then he died.
    • ross
    • Ross
      I can't believe this.
    • Lipson
      I'm sorry Mr. Geller. But ya know, there's an old saying, 'Sometimes monkeys die.' It's not a great saying but it certainly is fitting today.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Well, ya know, someone should have called me.
    • Lipson
      I'm sorry. Look, I know this can't bring him back but here, it's just a gesture.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Zoo dollars?
    • Lipson
      Yes, and come see the bird show at 4. The macaws wear hats. Well it's a lot cuter if your monkey hasn't just died.
    • new scene
    • Scene 5

      Library. Phoebe is getting ready to sing for the kids. Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.

    • [Phoebe pulls out her guitar]
    • Kids
      Ooohhh.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I know.
    • monica
    • Monica
      I can't believe Joey's having lunch with his stalker. What i-, what is she like.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, you remember Cathy Bates in Misery?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yeah.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, she looks the exact opposite of that.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      And she's not crazy?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh no no no, she's a total wack job. Yeah, she thinks that Joey is actually Dr. Drake Remore.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh my God.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ah, and I mean, he's going out with her? He can not persue this.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey, just because this woman thinks she can actually see Joey through the magical box in her living room doesn't mean she's not a person. I mean, does she not deserve happiness, does she not deserve love? What're you lookin' at me for? He's the one who wants to boff the maniac.
    • Rob
      You OK?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No, uh-uh, I'm just, I'm nervous. So, you know what, maybe if I just, if I picture them all in their underwear.
    • Rob
      That's not a good idea, that's kinda the reason the last guy got fired.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm used to playing for grown-ups. Ya know, they just, grown-ups drink their coffee and do their grown-up thing, ya know, and kids listen. This is a huge responsibility. What? Are you gonna kiss me?
    • ross
    • Ross
      I was thinkin' about it.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      OK. [they kiss] OK, alrighty, let's play some tunes. Hi everybody, I'm Phoebe
    • Everyone
      Hi Phoebe.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      OK, um, I'm gonna play, um, some songs about grandparents, OK. [singing]
    • Now, grandma's a person who everyone likes,
    • she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike.
    • But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner,
    • And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner.
    • Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru,
    • but the truth is she died and some day you will too.
    • La-la-la la la-la-la la la-la-la la...
    • new scene
    • Scene 6

      A nice restraunt. Joey and Erica are dining.

    • Erica
      Oh, Drake, isn't it amazing?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah it is. . . what?
    • Erica
      Well, here we sit, devil may care, just a little while ago you were reattaching someone's spinal cord.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, that was a tricky one. In reality, that operation takes like, over 10 hours, but they only showed it for 2 minites.
    • Erica
      Who's they?
    • joey
    • Joey
      No one.
    • Erica
      Oh Drake, you are so talented, let me see those hands. Oh these hands, these beautiful hands, oh I could just eat them. . . but I won't.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Good, otherwise my watch would fall off. [laughs hysterically]
    • Erica
      No, seriously. These hands. These miracle, magical, life-giving hands. Oh, just to be near them, touch them, maybe even lick one?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Alright, just one. [she licks his hands rather emphatically] Wow, you're good at that.
    • [Some guy at another table starts choking]
    • Waiter
      Oh my God! Someone, he's choking. Is anyone here a doctor?
    • Erica
      Well, yes, yes, the best doctor in all of Salem, Dr. Drake Remore.
    • new scene
    • Scene 7

      San Diege Zoo. Ross is still at the monkey cages. A janitor is sweeping.

    • Janitor
      Meet me in the nocturnal house in 15 minutes.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Uhh, hey look, I don't really enjoy being with other men that way. But, um, zoo dollars?
    • Janitor
      It's about your monkey. It's alive.
    • new scene
    • Scene 8

      Restraunt. Joey and Erica are still there.

    • Erica
      I don't understand, why didn't you help that man?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Uhh, cause, uhh, I'm a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage. Alright, look, I got to tell you something.
    • Erica
      No, no no no, you don't have to tell me anything. You don't have to explain yourself to me. Ooh, who am I to question the great Dr. Drake Remore?
    • joey
    • Joey
      But that's what...
    • Erica
      I should just be happy to be near you.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey I- [she cuts him off with a kiss]
    • Erica
      Hey what?
    • joey
    • Joey
      That's it, just hey. Like at the end of a dance, HEY! [she starts nibbling his hand] Hey. He-hey.
    • new scene
    • Scene 9

      Library. Phoebe is singing.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      [singing] There'll be times when you get older
    • when you'll want to sleep with people
    • just to make them like you. . .
    • But don't.
    • Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna do, everybody
    • That's another thing that you don't wanna do.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Excellent!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Very informative!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Not at all inappropriate!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Thank you for coming everybody. There're cookies in the back.
    • Rob
      That was great, the kids loved you.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yay, I rock.
    • Rob
      And you know why? Because you told the truth, and nobody ever tells kids the truth.You were incredible.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      But.
    • Rob
      How did you know there was a but?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I sense these things. It was either but or butter.
    • Rob
      The thing is, I think some of the parents, they were kinda hopin' that you'd play more songs about like, barnyard animals.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I can do that.
    • Rob
      Really?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah.
    • Rob
      Because that would be fantastic. What? You wanna kiss me?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Thinkin' about it.
    • new scene
    • Scene 10

      San Diego Zoo. Ross and the janitor are in the nocturnal house.

    • Janitor
      Ahh, the bat. Ambassador of darkness, flitting out of his cave like a winged messenger, sightless spectre of the macabe.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Buddy, my monkey?
    • Janitor
      Oh, yeah, right. There was a break-in, few months back, inside job. Your monkey was taken.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh my God. But the zoo told me that my monkey was dead.
    • Janitor
      The zoo! Do you believe everything the zoo tells ya?
    • ross
    • Ross
      That, that's the only thing the zoo's ever told me.
    • Janitor
      Of course they're gonna say he's dead. They don't want the bad publicity. It's all a great big cover-up. Do you have any idea how high up this thing goes?
    • ross
    • Ross
      That guy Lipson?
    • Janitor
      Lipson knows. Do you have any idea who else knows?
    • ross
    • Ross
      No, I, I only know Lipson.
    • Janitor
      Hmm, Lipson knows huh? Ahh, hello Mr. Opossum, enigma of the trees, upside-down denizen of the night, taunting gravity with...
    • ross
    • Ross
      Buddy, my monkey, my monkey.
    • Janitor
      Word on the street - well, when I say street, I mean those little pretend streets they have here at the zoo.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Of course.
    • Janitor
      Your monkey found a new career, in the entertainment field. That's all I know.
    • ross
    • Ross
      This is unbelievable.
    • Janitor
      So, what is this information worth to you, my friend?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Are you trying to get me to bribe you?
    • Janitor
      Maybe.
    • ross
    • Ross
      But you already told me everything.
    • new scene
    • Scene 11

      Library. Ross show up with a MonkeyShine Beer poster.

    • ross
    • Ross
      Check it out, he actually is the MonkeyShine monkey.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well, so what're you gonna do?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Well, I guess I'm gonna call the beer company and try to find out where he is.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      That's what I did when I lost my Clydesdales.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      OK, hi again.
    • Everyone
      Hi Phoebe.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Today we're gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals.
    • [singing] Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo,
    • Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo.
    • Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up,
    • And that's how we get hamburgers.
    • Nooowww, chickens!
    • new scene
    • Scene 12

      Chandler and Joey's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and the guys are watching Days of Our Lives.

    • TV DOCTOR
      You're the only one who can save her Drake.
    • JOEY ON TV
      Damnit, I'm a doctor, I'm not God.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Well, there goes my whole belief system.
    • [knock at the door]
    • Erica
      It's Erica.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh my God, quick turn off the TV.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No no no, wait, I wanna see what happens.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma and then we make out.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well how can that be, you were just kissing Sabrina?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Rachel, it's a world where Joey is a neuro-surgeon.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey Erica, c'mon in.
    • Erica
      How did you get here so fast, I just saw you in Salem?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Right, they uh, they choppered me in. What's up?
    • Erica
      Ohh, and I see you're having a little party too. Is she here, huh, huh?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Who?
    • Erica
      Sabrina. I know about you two. I saw you today kissing in the doctor's lounge.
    • joey
    • Joey
      It's not what you think, that was...
    • Erica
      You told me I was the only one. [throws a glass of water in his face]
    • joey
    • Joey
      Alright look, that's it. I don't think we should see each other anymore, alright. Look, I know I should have told you this a long time ago but I am not Drake Remore, OK. I'm not even a doctor, I'm an actor. I just pretend to be a doctor.
    • Erica
      Oh my God. Do the people at the hospital know about this?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Somebody wanna help me out here?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, I know, I know. [Turns on the TV. Joey in on it.]
    • Erica
      How, how can you be here and there.
    • joey
    • Joey
      'Cause it's a television show.
    • Erica
      Drake, what're you getting at?
    • joey
    • Joey
      I'm not Drake.
    • ross
    • Ross
      That's right, he's not Drake, he's Hans Remore, Drake's evil twin.
    • Erica
      Is this true?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me. [throws water in his face]
    • monica
    • Monica
      And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't. [throws water in his face]
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [throws water in his face]
    • Erica
      Is all this true?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yes, I'm afraid it is. You deserve much better than me Erica. You deserve to be with the real Drake, he's the one you fell in love with. Go to Salem, find him, he's the guy for you.
    • Erica
      Oh Hans. [They kiss]
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hans...Hans...Yo evil twin.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Right. Goodbye Erica, good luck in Salem. Take care
    • Erica
      I'll never forget you Hans. [Joey shuts the door in her face]
    • joey
    • Joey
      OK, alright, the people who threw the water.
    • new scene
    • Scene 13

      Central Perk. Phoebe and Rob are sitting on the couch.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Fired! Why?
    • Rob
      The library board has had a lot of complaints from parents about some of the stuff in your songs.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I can't believe it. Did you tell your board about how kids want to hear the truth?
    • Rob
      No.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I see.
    • Rob
      Maybe if you just played some regular kiddie songs.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No. What do you, what do you want me to be, like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur?
    • Rob
      I'm not saying you have to be Barney.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Who's Barney.
    • new scene
    • Scene 14

      Central Perk. The whole gang is there.

    • ross
    • Ross
      Well, I tracked down Marcel and get this, he's healthy, he's happy, and he's right here in New York filming Outbreak II - The Virus Takes Manhattan.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      You're kidding.
    • joey
    • Joey
      This is amazing.
    • ross
    • Ross
      I know.
    • joey
    • Joey
      I finally get a part on TV and the monkey's makin' movies.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      OK, Rachel, I'm ready.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      OK.
    • [little kid enters]
    • Kid
      Excuse me. Is this where the singing lady is that tells the truth?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Um, yeah I guess that's me.
    • Kid
      [shouting out the door] She's here.
    • [a rush of kids enter]
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      [singing] Sometimes men love women,
    • sometimes men love men,
    • and then there are bisexuals,
    • though some just say they're kidding themselves.
    • la la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la...
    • new scene
    • Scene 15

      City street. The whole gang is walking up to the movie set.

    • ross
    • Ross
      This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      What, you never look down in the shower? Oh please. I'm not allowed to make one joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?
    • Security guard
      C'mon people, back up please, back up, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Uh, excuse me, uh, where can we find the monkey?
    • Security guard
      I'm sorry guys, closed set.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Uh, I'm sorry, you don't understand, I'm, I'm, I'm a friend of his. We uh, we used to live together.
    • Security guard
      Yeah, and I have a time share in the Pocanos with Flipper.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ross, there he is.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey, hey buddy, Marcel. Marcel. [Marcel doesn't react so Ross starts singing] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [no reaction from Marcel, Monica and Joey urge him on] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [Marcel looks over and everyone joins in] a-weema-way, a-weema-way..... [Marcel runs over and hops up on Ross's shoulder]
    • new scene
    • Scene 16

      The next time at the movie set.

    • Security guard
      Uh, excuse me folks this is a uhh...
    • joey
    • Joey
      Closed set. We know but we're friends with the monkey. [guard lets them in]
    • ross
    • Ross
      Good morning. Hey pal, look who I brought. It's your old friend Harry Elefante. [Marcel grabs the elephant doll and throws it to the ground]
    • joey
    • Joey
      Woah, dude, burn.
    • ross
    • Ross
      I don't get it, he seemed so happy to see me yesterday.
    • Trainer
      Hey don't take it personal, he's under a lot of pressure, ya know, starring in a movie and all.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Now just how big of a star is Marcel?
    • Trainer
      In human terms, I'd say Cybill Shepard.
    • Everyone
      Woah.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      [to guys wering yellow isolation suits] So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just really paranoid.
    • Director's assistant
      Hey Sal, Jerry wants to know if the monkey's ready for the subway set?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Uh, excuse me. Jerry is the director, which one's he?
    • Director's assistant
      The one in the director's chair.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Gotcha. Phoebs, walk with me.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      OK. Um, how come I'm walking with you?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Well, we're, we're just goin' over here so that we can get away from the horrible flesh eating virus, for the love of God woman, listen to me. Is he lookin', is he lookin'?
    • Susie
      We've got a problem.
    • Director's assistant
      Tell me.
    • Susie
      I can't do Chris's makeup. She refuses to acknowledge that she has a moustasche.
    • Director's assistant
      Is it bad?
    • Susie
      It looks like one of her eyebrows fell down. Now unless someone convinces her to let me bleach it, Jean-Claude Van Damme is gonna be making out with Gabe Kaplan.
    • Director's assistant
      I'll talk to her.
    • Susie
      I hate actors.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      [to an extra in fatigues] Nice camoflauge man, for a minute there I almost didn't see ya.
    • Susie
      Excuse me.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ahhhh.
    • Susie
      Uh, is your name Chandler?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Uh, yes, yes it is.
    • Susie
      Chandler Bing?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?
    • Susie
      I'm Susie Moss. Fourth grade, glasses, I used to carry around a box of animal crackers like a purse.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Susie Moss, right, yeah, wow, you look. . . great job growing up.
    • Susie
      It's nice to see you're not still wearing that denim cap with all the little mirrors on it.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, right, well yeah, I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp.
    • Susie
      Remember the class play? You, you pulled up my skirt and the entire auditorium saw my underpants.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yes, back then I, uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank God I don't do that anymore.
    • [cut to Monica and Rachel walking through the set]
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What what what what?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Jean-Claude Van Damme. I didn't know he was in this movie, he is so hot.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ya think?
    • monica
    • Monica
      The muscles from Brussels, wham bam Van Damme, did you see Time Cop?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No, was he any good in it?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Rachel, he like, totally changed time.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Wow, so why don't you go talk to him?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh, yeah.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What, so you go over there, you tell him you think he's cute, what's the worst that could happen?
    • monica
    • Monica
      He could hear me.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      OK, I'm doin' it for ya.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh Rachel don't, don't you dare, don't, don't. Tell him I cook.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Excuse me. Hi.
    • Van Damme
      Hi.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Um, this is gonna sound kinda goofy but uhhm, my friend over there, who cooks by the way, um, she thinks you're cute.
    • Van Damme
      You don't think I'm cute?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I, I don't know, um, do you think you're cute? OK, we're kinda gettin' off the track here. Um, I was supposed to come here and tell you my friend thinks you're cute. So what should I tell her?
    • Van Damme
      You can tell her I think her friend is cute.
    • [back to Chandler and Susie]
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No, Stephen Hurs was the kid who would eat anything for money, David Stein was the guy who had no elbows.
    • Susie
      OK, well then who was the kid that got caught masturbating?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      OK that's not what he was doing. Alright, he was looking for his bus money.
    • [a voice in the background calls for makeup]
    • Susie
      Oh that's me, I gotta go.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh uh, o, OK.
    • Susie
      Um, so listen, how many times am I gonna have to touch you on the arm before you ask me on a date.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, uh, let's try one more. . . there you go, say Ernie's, 8 o'clock.
    • Susie
      I'll be there, and who knows, if things go well, maybe this time I'll get to see your underwear.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No one was around to hear that?
    • [back to Rachel and Monica]
    • monica
    • Monica
      So what'd he say?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Agh, what a jerk. I kept talking about you and he kept asking me out. I mean, naturally, you know, I said no.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well, thanks anyway.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      He just kept asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Rachel if you, if you want to go out with him, you can. Sound like a big jerk to me but if that's what you want to do...
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Jean-Claude she said yes, I'll see you tonight. Thank you.
    • new scene
    • Scene 17

      Central Perk. Joey and the girls are sitting at the couches.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      And then Jean-Claude took me to that place Crossroads and that's where we hung out with Drew Barrymore.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh man, she's so smokin, she has got the greatest set of. . . no guys around, huh.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Does anybody need anything?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh, I'll have an espresso. Oh acutally, I'll get it. If I ask you to, you'll probably end up drinking it yourself.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      That is so unfair.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I know. Oh, like you would drink her coffee after what you did to her with Van Damme.
    • [Ross enters]
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey Joey I have to cancel racketball for tonight, that was Marcel's trainer. He's gonna let me have him for a couple of hours.
    • joey
    • Joey
      You're blowin' me off for a monkey?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey, we can rescedule for Saturday.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, unless you hook up with a bunch of pigeons.
    • [Chandler enters]
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Stick a fork what?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Like, when you're cooking a steak.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, OK, I don't eat meat.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well then, how do you know when vegetables are done?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well you know, you juist, you eat them and you can tell.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      OK, then, eat me, I'm done.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I've met the perfect woman. OK, we're sitting on her couch, we're fooling around, and then suddenly she turns to me and says, 'Do you ever want to do it in an elevator?'
    • monica
    • Monica
      What did you say?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ahh, I believe my exact words were, 'Flaign,en - sten'. I mean I didn't know what to say, how do you know if you wanna do it on an elevator?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, you just know.
    • new scene
    • Scene 18

      Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Susie are making out on the couch.

    • Susie
      Oh, shoot, we gotta go, got a reservation in 30 minutes.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh no no no no, no no no no no no, you see, what I had planned shouldn't take more that 2, 3 minutes tops.
    • Susie
      Oh, 200 seconds of passion. We gotta go.
    • Susie
      But um, here's an idea, have you ever worn women's underwear?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, ye, yes, actually, but, uh, they were my Aunt Edna's, and there were three of us in there.
    • Susie
      Well I was thinking it would be um, kind of sexy if you wore mine tonight, at dinner.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You want me to wear your panties?
    • Susie
      Could ya?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, if I was wearing your underwear then, uh, what would you be wearing?. . . You're swell.
    • new scene
    • Scene 19

      Ross's apartment. Ross is setting up for his time with Marcel. Joey is there.

    • ross
    • Ross
      OK, got the music, got the dinner. Oh and check it out, I made Marcel's favorite dish, banannacake.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oooh.
    • ross
    • Ross
      With mealworms.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yaaahhh. Ahhh, candles. What'dya thinks gonna happen here tonight?
    • [phone rings]
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hello. Oh hi, are you on your way ove-. Oh. No, no, I, I understand, I mean a monkey's gotta work. No it, it's no big deal, it' not like I uh, had anything special planned. Yeah OK, OK. OK, OK, bye.
    • new scene
    • Scene 20

      Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are upset with each other. Phoebe is mediating.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      OK, Rachel, why don't you start talking first.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Alright, I feel that this is totally unjustified. [Monica starts making faces behind her back] She gave me the green light, I did nothing but-. Do you think I can't see you in the TV set?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Alright Monica, if there is something that you would like to share...
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ya know, you had no right to go out with him.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      That is the most ridiculous.
    • monica
    • Monica
      You sold me out.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I did not sell you out.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yes you did. Absolutely.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Would you let me talk. [flicks Monica on the forehead]
    • monica
    • Monica
      Did you just flick me?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was jus- [Monica flicks her back] Ow. That hurt [flicks Monica]
    • monica
    • Monica
      Quit flicking [flicks]
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ow, you stop flicking.
    • monica
    • Monica
      You flicked me first.
    • [They keep flicking each other. This turns into slapping each other. This leads to wrestling on the floor. All the while Phoebe is saying "Happy thoughts". Eventually Phoebe gets fed up.]
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      OK, now I'm gonna kick some ass.
    • [Phoebe grabs each of them by an ear]
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ow. Ow. Ow.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Alright, now I will let go if you both stop.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, what do you, you want me to stop seeing him, is that what you want?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Uh-huh.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      You want me to just call him up and tell him that you're seeing him instead? That's what you want?
    • monica
    • Monica
      OK.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh that's what you want.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yes.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Fine.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Fine,
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      There we go.You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.
    • new scene
    • Scene 21

      A fancy restraunt (Marcel's). Joey, Ross, Chandler, Susie, and the Director's Assistant are there.

    • ross
    • Ross
      Thanks for letting me tag along tonight you guys.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Forget about it.
    • Susie
      How you doin there squirmy?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I'm hangin in. . . and a little out.
    • joey
    • Joey
      So, assistant to the director. That's a really exciting job, I mean, you must have a ton of cool responsibilities.
    • Director's assistant
      I have nothing to do with casting.
    • joey
    • Joey
      So what're you guys gonna eat?
    • Susie
      How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Because I went to an all boys high school and God is making up for it.
    • Susie
      I want you right here, right now.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Right now, right here. Don't ya think we're in kind of a public plaaaa [Susie grabs him under the table] They do have the shrimp.
    • Susie
      Meet me in the bathroom. [she leaves for the bathroom]
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I'm going to the bathroom now. [leaves for the bathroom]
    • [In the bathroom Susie and Chandler are kissing. She backs into a stall.]
    • Susie
      C'mon.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I can't believe we're doing this.
    • Susie
      Alright mister, let's see those panties.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Alrighty. [we see Chandler's pants drop from under the stall door]
    • Susie
      Ooh. Ooh. But ya know what would be even sexier?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      What?
    • Susie
      If you didn't have your shirt tucked into them.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh.
    • Susie
      Alright. Now I would like to see you wearing nothing but them. Take your clothes off.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      OK, but uh, I hope you realize this means we're gonna miss hearing about the specials.
    • Susie
      C'mon hurry, hurry.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey, do you want this done quick, or do you want this done right?
    • Susie
      Alright, turn around. Time to see you from behind.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      OK.
    • [She turns him facing the toilet and sneaks out of the stall and gathers up his clothes.]
    • Susie
      Oh, somebody's been doing his buns of steel video.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, you want me to uh, clench anything, or-... Susie? Susie.
    • Susie
      This is for the fourth grade.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Huh? Where, whaddya mean?
    • Susie
      Whaddo I mean. Whaddya mean, whaddo I mean? I mean underpants, mister, that's what I mean.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      What, what's what you mean?
    • Susie
      My skirt, you lifted, kids laughing. I was Susie Underpants 'till I was 18.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      That was in the fourth grade. How could you still be upset about that?
    • Susie
      Well um, why don't you call me in 20 years and tell me if you're still upset about this. [she leaves with his clothes]
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Alright, I hope you realize you're not getting these underpants back.
    • new scene
    • Scene 22

      Monica and Van Damme are walking down the street.

    • monica
    • Monica
      I can't believe this, just like 2 weeks ago I was watching Sudden Death, now I'm on a date with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Can you beat up that guy? [he nods] Can you beat up that guy?
    • Van Damme
      Sure.
    • monica
    • Monica
      This is so wild. Ya know, I gotta admit, I was kinda surprised that you agreed to go on a blind date.
    • Van Damme
      Normally, I would not do it.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well, what made you make the exception for me?
    • Van Damme
      'Cause Rachel told me uh, you were dying to have a threesome with me and uh, Drew Barrymore. By the way, Drew has some groundrules and...
    • new scene
    • Scene 23

      Back at Monica and Rachel's apartment. They are now fighting about what Rachel told Van Damme.

    • monica
    • Monica
      Say you're sorry.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No. [hitting each other]
    • monica
    • Monica
      Say it.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No. [hitting again]
    • [Monica grabs Rachel by the sweater. Rachel squirms out of it]
    • monica
    • Monica
      Rachel, you say you're sorry or your sweater gets it.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      OK, OK, that is my favorite sweater, that is my third date sweater.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Say you're sorry.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      OK, you wanna play? OK, let's play, let's play. [She grabs a jar of tomato sauce and Monica's purse]
    • monica
    • Monica
      What're you gonna do?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      You give me back my sweater or it's handbag marinara.
    • monica
    • Monica
      You don't have the guts.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh yeah. Well, at least I wasn't too chicken to tell some guy I thought he was cute.
    • [Monica pulls a thread on Rachel's sweater and Rachel dumps the tomato sauce in Monica's purse]
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh alright, stop, STOP THE MADNESS. This is crazy. Who can even remember why this even started in the first place?
    • [Monica and Rachel start yelling at the same time]
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yes that's right. But still, I-, look at your purse, look at your sweater, look at yourselves.
    • monica
    • Monica
      I'll help you fix your sweater.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I'll help you throw out your purse.
    • monica
    • Monica
      I'm sorry that I made you stop seeing him.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well, I'm sorry I went out with him when I knew you liked him.
    • monica
    • Monica
      I'm sorry that I borrowed your gloves [pulls Rachel's gloves out of her purse]
    • new scene
    • Scene 24

      Back at the restroom at Marcel's. Chandler is still in the stall, Joey comes in to go to the bathroom.

    • [Joey starts whistling, Chandler finishes the tune. Joey whistles again.]
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Joey?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Ma?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Joey!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Chandler? What're you still doin' here, I though you guys took off.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, no no no, she took off with my clothes.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Are you naked in there?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Not exactly. . . I'm wearin panties.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Huh, you uh, you always wear panties?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No, no, this is the first time.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Wow, talk about your bad luck, I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I was not trying them out, Susie asked me to wear them.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Well, let me see.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No. I'm not letting you or anybody else see, ever.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Alright, alright. [climbs up in the next stall and looks over at Chandler] Woah, someone's flossing.
    • [Ross enters, sees Joey in the mirror]
    • ross
    • Ross
      [to Joey who's looking over a toilet stall] Joey, some people don't like that.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Chandler's wearing panties.
    • ross
    • Ross
      What? Let me see. [climbs up in the other adjoining stall]
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No, no, you don't have to see.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hi Tushie.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Alright, one of you give me your underpants.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Can't help you, I'm not wearing any.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      How can you not be wearing any underwear?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh, I'm gettin' heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Alright look Ross I'll give you 50 dollars for your underpants.
    • [Some guy has entered.]
    • Everyone
      Hi.
    • [Back at the table. Joey and Ross return. Shortly, Chandler comes out, holding the stall door in front of him, and leaves.]
    • new scene
    • Scene 25

      Central Perk. Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are sitting.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey Phoebs, can I have the milk after you?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I'm almost done with it, keep your panties on.
    • [Joey enters]
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey, hey, and I'm in the movie.
    • ross
    • Ross
      What happened?
    • joey
    • Joey
      One of the virus victims called in sick, so Cathy recommended me and boom, I'm dying on the gurney. Oh Ross, Marcel just finished his last scene if you want to go down there and say goodbye.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Ahh, oh that's OK, I mean, he's probably got, you know, parties to go to and stuff. But, ya know, he's moved on. Hey, that, that's the way it goes right.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      [sees Marcel at the window] Oh my God.
    • ross
    • Ross
      What?
    • ["Looks Like We Made It" starts playing and we enter a whole sequence of Marcel and Ross having fun in the city.]
    • new scene
    • Scene 26

      The movie set. Monica and Rachel are saying goodbye to Jean-Claude

    • Van Damme
      [to Rachel] I'm sorry it didn't work out between you and me, [to Monica] or you and me. Drew was very disappointed.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      OK, well, bye. [kisses him]
    • Van Damme
      Goodbye.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well, bye for me too. [kisses him]
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      OK, well, bye-bye again. [kisses him again]
    • monica
    • Monica
      OK.
    • Van Damme
      Perhaps, uh, the three of us, just could. . .
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, no no no no no.
    • Van Damme
      Are you sure, I can crush a walnut with my butt.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No no no no.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Impressive.
    • monica
    • Monica
      But no. Maybe if I were baking.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Bye-bye.
    • new scene
    • Scene 27

      City street. Whole gang is there seeing off Marcel.

    • ross
    • Ross
      Bye Marcel. See ya on the big screen. You keep people drinkin' that beer, OK. I miss you buddy.
    • [Marcel is driven off in a limo]
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      You know, I think I want to write a song about all this.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh yeah.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah. Oh, except one of the strings on my guitar is broken. Hey, Chandler, can I borrow your G-string?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      How long you been waitin' to say that?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      About 20 minutes. CLOSING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 28

      Filming a scene from the movie. Joey is dying on a gurney, Van Damme is looking over him.

    • Van Damme
      Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Aaaaagggghhhhh.
    • Director
      Cut.
    • Van Damme
      Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Aaaaagggghhhhh.
    • Director
      Cut.
    • Van Damme
      Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Aaaaagggghhhhh. Mommy
    • Director
      Cut.
    • Van Damme
      Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dead.
    • END