The Statue

I have to tell you that I did some very exciting news recently, and I don't know if I should really tell you exactly what it is because it's really not a definite thing yet. (crowd cheers him on to tell them) Well, I will tell you what I know so far. According to the information that I have in the envelope that I've received, it seems that I may have already won some very valuable prizes. (audience applauds) Well, thank you, thank you very much, well thank you. That's very nice to hear that. But, in all honesty, I have to say, I didn't even know I was in this thing. But, according to the readout, it looks like I am among the top people that they are considering. You know, that's what annoys me about the sweepstakes companies, they always tease you with that, "You may have already won." I'd like once for a sweepstakes company to have some guts, come out with the truth, just tell people the truth one time. Send out envelopes, "You have definitely lost!" You turn it over, giant printing, "Not even close!" You open it up, there's this whole letter of explanation, "Even we cannot believe how badly you have done in this contest."

(to Kramer) To the right.

That took awhile.

Don't get up.

I'd like to help, but my neck..

So how long has it been in the basement?

Since my grandfather died. I was suppose to send it down to my parents in Florida, but they didn't want it. They told me to get rid of it, but I felt funny and then I sort of forgot about it. And it's been sitting down there for three years until he saw it. (to Kramer) All right, so, just take what you want and let's get it out of here.

What's in it?

Grandpa clothes, I can't wear 'em.

You want these? Knee socks. You don't wear knee socks.

No, go ahead. Look at this place. I can't wait to get it cleaned.

I know someone who'll do it. She's good. She's honest.

No, Elaine's got this writer friend from Finland, Rava. Her boyfriend goes to Columbia grad school, and he's suppose to do it.

Students can't clean. It's anathema. (explaining) They don't like it.

How long have you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation?

Now this I like.

Wait a second. (George gets up and heads for the statue in Kramer's hands.) I can't believe this! Let me see this.

Wait, wait, wait...

Let me just see it.

Come on...

Let me just see it for a second.

Oh my God, it's exactly the same!

What?

When I was ten years old, my parents had this very same statue on the mantle of our apartment. Exactly. And, one day, I grabbed it, and I was using it as a microphone. I was singing, "MacArthur Park", and I got to the part about, "I'll never have that recipe again," and it slipped out of my hand and it broke. My parents looked at me like I smashed the ten commandments. To this day, they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked.

C'mon, George. I saw it first.

No, Kramer. I have to have this statue.

No, I got dibs!

What? No dibs! I need this statue. C'mon, give it!

Spread out, spread out you numbskulls. Why don't you just settle it like mature adults?

Potato man!

No, no, no potato man. Inka-dink.

Okay...yea well uh start with me.

Yeah, good, good.

Inka-dink, a bottle of ink, the cork fell out, and you stink.

Not because you're dirty, not because you're clean – just because you kissed the girl behind the magazine...

And you are it!

What?! Wait a minute. No, no, no. What are you doing? No, no, oh, oh, okay. He's out. I get it.

No, no, no, no, I'm It. I win.

No, he's It. He wins. It is good.

Do over – start with him.

No, no, no, come on, Kramer. Now, you got the socks.

All right, you can have it. (Kramer tosses the statue to George.)

(not expecting the statue to be thrown) Dit.

Okay, I'm gonna take the suit, and the shoes, and the hat.

All right, c'mon. Let's go.

Hey, I look like Joe Friday in Dragnet.

I can't believe I won at Inka-dink.

Come on, let's go.

Yea.

Aren't you gonna take it?

No, no, no, I don't want to carry it around all night. I'll pick it up later.

(to Kramer) What about your stuff?

Oh, uh, well - okay.

All right, let's go. Hey, you know, you owe me one.

What?

The Inka-dink.. You were It.

It's bad?

It's very bad.

Well, if they don't let you be my editor on this book, I'll go to another publisher. It's that simple.

You told them that?

Of course.

(excited) This is so fantastic. I don't know how to thank you.

(to Rava) So, where's this boyfriend of yours? I can't wait much longer. I've got a flight.

Oh, probably caught in traffic.

Or maybe he's dead.

So what do you write, children's books?

That's Ray.

Ah, greetings, greetings, and salutations. I beg your forgiveness. My tardiness was unavoidable. Rava, my love. Elaine, my dear friend. And you must be Jerry. Lord of the manor. Ah, my liege. A pleasure to serve you.

All right...

And we have to get back to work.

I gotta get to the airport.

Your palace shall sparkle like the stars in heaven upon your save arrival, Sire.

The uh toilet brush is under the sink.

I don't really feel that comfortable with a maid, either, because there's that guilt when you have someone cleaning your house. You know, you're sitting there on your sofa, and they go by with the vacuum, "I'm really sorry about this. I don't know why I left that stuff over there." And that's why I could never be a maid, because I'd have an attitude. I'd find them, wherever they are in the house, "Oh, I suppose you couldn't do this? No, don't get up, let me clean up your filth. No, you couldn't dust. No, this is too tough, isn't it?"

He really did an amazing job. Look! He uncoagulated the top of the dishwashing liquid! (Jerry opens refrigerator.) He cleaned out the bottom of the little egg cups! Come here, look at this. (He gets on his knees and points.) He cleaned the little one-inch area between the refrigerator and the counter. How did he get in there?! He must be like Rubber Man!

There's no Rubber Man.

Why did I think there was a Rubber Man? There's Elastic Man... Plastic Man...

I'm leaving.

Where are you going?

To Rava's house. I've gotta pick up her manuscript.

Oh wait. I'll go with you.

Elaine, he Windexed the little peep hole!

(to Rava) So, the meeting with Lippman is all set. He's the editor-in-chief! I think because of your request-

Demand.

They're going to promote me to editor.

Daantotin. (There is a sound of the front door being unlocked.) There's Ray... late as usual.

Well, this is an unexpected surprise – and delight! The once and future king of comedy, Jerry the First, gracing our humble abode. Rava, we're in the presence of royalty.

Hey, Ray, listen, you really did a tremendous job cleaning that apartment.

But I didn't just clean your apartment. It was a ritual, a ceremony, a celebration of life.

Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?

The water is boiling. Are you having tea?

Yes.

Jerry? Jerry!

What?

(from the kitchen) Ray, would you give me a hand?

Yeah, I'm coming!

I think that's the statue from my house. That looks like the statue from my house!

What statue?

I had a statue!

You have a statue? I never saw a statue.

My grandfather gave me a statue!

Since when?

What's the difference?! That's the one! He ripped me off! This guy ripped me off!

Do you take sugar?

Uhh... no.

I can't believe it! This guy ripped me off!

Do you realize what you're saying?

Yes! This guy ripped me off! He stole that statue right out of my house!

Lemon?

Uh... sure/yeah..

Are you sure?

Pretty sure! Ninety-nine percent sure.

Ninety-nine percent sure?!

Ah, sweet elixir. It's fragrant nectar a soothing balm for the soul.

Ah those are the pastries, Ray take care of that, I'm going to get Elaine the manuscript.

Ah, the pastries!

Maybe it just looks the same. Maybe it's just a coincidence.

Coincidence? This guy's in my apartment and then, just by coincidence, he has the same exact statue in his apartment?

I never saw the statue.

I had a statue! What should I do?

I don't know.

I'll call Kramer. He can check my house.

Oh Jerry, don't blow this for me.

Don't worry. (whispering into the phone) Kramer! Kramer!... It's Jerry!... Jerry!... From next door!... Never mind where I am!... Yes, Jerry Seinfeld!...

Ma, I told you, just dip the bread in the batter, and put in right in the pan... Okay, bye. (Jerry hangs up; to Rava) My mother. She forgot how to make French toast. You know how mothers are.

My mother left us when I was six years old. All seven of us. We never heard from her again. I hope she's rotting in an alley somewhere!

My mom's down in Florida. She's got uh one of those condos. Hot down there in the summer. You ever been down there?

I love these pastries. You know, in Scandinavian mythology, the pastries were the food of the gods.

Listen, uh I just remembered... I'm... uh, getting a facial.

Oh, see you tomorrow morning.

How about dinner?

No, I don't eat dinner. Dinner's for suckers.

Uh huh... Yeah... Okay, thanks anyway... Bye.

Nope, the cop says it's my word against his. There's nothing they can do.

Let's go get him.

Yeah, right.

We can't just let him get away with this.

Do you realize how crazy he had to be to do something like this? He knew I was gonna know it's missing, and he took it! And of all things to take! I left my watch, tape recorder, stereo. He's crazy.

You wanna go get him?

Well, then, if he's crazy you should just forget it.

Forget it? I already called my parents. I told them to expect the surprise of a lifetime. My mother's making her roasted potatoes!

George, do you realize that Rava has asked me to edit her book?

Who is this Rava?

I say we get him.

No!

Let me just call him.

I'll call him. (Jerry picks up the cordless phone. He points to the rotary phone on the coffee table. Kramer, George, and Elaine struggle for it.) Hello, Ray?... Hi, Ray, this is Rava's friend, Elaine's friend, Jerry... The King of Comedy, right. Listen, you know that statue on your mantle, the one with the blue lady? (He covers the reciever and yells at Kramer and George.) Would you shut up?! (to the phone) Yeah, you don't want to talk about it over the phone?.. You don't want Rava to hear?... Yeah, I understand... You know that coffee shop near my house, Monk's?... All right, tomorrow... One o' clock... Great, okay, bye.

All right, look, look, look. Let's say he stole it.

Oh, he stole it!

C'mon, you can't do anything about it. The cops won't do anything. What, are you going to fight him? Why don't you just forget it?

No.

I thought you said one o'clock.

Relax, he's late. He's always late. It's part of his M.O.

Remember, don't take any crap.

Yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it.

I'll be right here.

That's comforting. Shh. He's coming. (to Ray) Ray?

Oh, Jerry. I can't believe you asked me about that statue. Do you know how much trouble you could've got me into?

Well, I didn't...

Rava was standing right next to me. I never told her where I got the statue.

(muttering to himself) I wonder why.

Well, just give it back, and I won't say anything.

Give it back?

Yeah.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

What is he talking about?

I'm talking about the statue.

Yeah, me too.

Give it back to whom?

Me.

Yeah, him.

You?

Yeah. Me.

I'm not getting this.

You already got it.

Ray, I had a statue in my house. You were in my house – and then I saw it in your house.

What are you saying?

What am I saying?

Take a wild guess.

Are you saying I stole your statue?

What a mind.

Well, I...

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

For your information, I got that statue in a pawn shop.

Pawn shop?

A pawn shop?

Yes. In Chinatown with the money I earned cleaning people's apartments.

Cleaning them out.

Oh, excuse me... Look, Ray, you were the only person in my house.

What's behind this? It's Rava, isn't it?

Again with the Rava.

You want her.

No, she's a little too cheery for me.

She's from Finland, for crying out loud. Finland! Do you understand?!

I know Finland. They're neutral.

Is it me? Do I rub you the wrong way?

No, I actually find you quite charming. A bit verbose at times...

"Oh, I find you so charming." You wuss.

(to George) Did you call me a wuss?

What did you say?

I said luss. I'm at a luss.

I would just love to take you down to the shop where I got it.

That's not necessary. (George slams his menu down on the table repeatedly.) You know, maybe it's not that bad an idea.

And I would love to. Nothing would please me more. But, unfortunately, the guy retired and moved to Singapore.

Singapore?! Do you hear this?

If you really want, maybe I can contact the guy in Singapore and have him make a photostat of the receipt and send it over.

That's it! That's it! I can't take it. I can't take it anymore! You stole the statue! You're a theif! You're a liar!

George...

Who is this?

I'm the judge and the jury, pal. And the verdict is guilty!

What's going on here?

GUILTY!

Your friend is crazy.

Oh, I'm crazy!

George, george...

I've got to get going. I have a class.

Oh ho! Class, huh? At Columbia? Let me tell you something, pal. I called the registrar's office. I checked you out. They have no record of a Ray Thomas at that school! You liar!

Well, that's because I'm registered under my full legal name, Raymond Thomas Wochinski. Ray Thomas is my professional name.

You mean alias.

You are starting to make me angry!

Well, that was bound to happen.

(to Jerry) I hope you think about what you've done here today. And if you want to call and apologize, you know where to reach me.

Hey, Ray.

Yes?

How did you get the goop out of the top of the dishwashing liquid? It was like a brand-new nozzle!

Nervous?

Why should I be?

Yeah. Right.

Your notes are very insightful.

The book is great. Did you go out last night?

No. We made love on the floor like two animals. Ray is insatiable.

They all are.

Was Jerry?

I can't remember.

You know, Ray is very upset over these accusations.

Oh, well, I'm staying out of this one. This is between them. I am not getting involved.

So you think he stole it?!

Well, you have to admit... the circumstantial evidence...

I admit nothing!

Will you put that cigarette out, please?

Well, I mean, he was in the apartment, and then it's gone and it's in your apartment.

Maybe you think we're in cahoots.

No, no. But it is quite a coincidence.

Yes, that's all: a coincidence!

A big coincidence.

Not a big coincidence. A coincidence!

No, that's a big coincidence.

That's what a coincidence is! There are no small coincidences and big coincidences!

No, there are degrees of coincidences.

No, there are only coincidences! Ask anyone!

Are there big coincidences and small coincidences, or just coincidences? Well?! Well?!

Will you put that cigarette out?!

Maybe I put it out on your face! (To Elaine) It's just like Ray said. You and Jerry are jealous of our love. You're trying to destroy us.

Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?

Ma, will you stop?... It's just a statue!... How is it my fault?!... It was stolen. I didn't even touch it this time... Okay, fine... I don't see why this should affect to potatoes!... Okay... Goodbye. (George hangs up.) She doesn't react to disappointment very well. Unlike me.

I'm not happy about this.

Why don't we just throw a Molotov cocktail through their window?

There's just no justice. This experience has changed me. It's made me more cynical, more bitter, more jaded.

Really?

(casually) Sure, why not.

Well, how do you think I feel? Instead of editing the first novel of a major young writing talent, I am proofreading a food allergy cookbook.

Can't you talk to your boss?

I did. He loves Rava. Worse, he loves Ray. And he didn't think you're funny at all.

(talking to himself) I'm not happy about this.

Well, perhaps we can take comfort in the knowledge that in the next world, Ray will be the recipient of a much larger and more harsh brand of justice..

Yeah, he'll have my parents.

(from the other side of the door) Police! Open up!

Police?

Freeze, mother!

Hey.

Shut up. Spread 'em. I said spread 'em! (looks around) You're in big trouble son. Burglary, grand larceny, possession of stolen goods... and uh, uh... murder.

Murder?!

Shut up! Keep 'em spread! Just make love to that wall, pervert!

I think you have me confused with somebody else.

Is your name Ray?

Yeah.

Yeah, you're the punk I'm looking for!

Hey, hey, are you a cop?

Yeah, I'm a cop. I'm a good cop. I'm a damn good cop! (On that line, Kramer points to Ray, and Ray turns back to the wall. Kramer heads for the door.) Today's your lucky day, junior, 'cause I'm gonna let you off with a warning. Any more of this criminal activity, and you'll be sorry. You got me?

Got you? I don't even know what the hell you're talking about.

Good, good. Let's uh keep it that way.

All right, all right. What's the big hubbub, bub?

Kramer, I can't believe it. Oh, you're my hero!

Yeah.

Kramer, what did you do?

Well, let's just say I didn't take him to People's Court.

I feel like a huge weight's been lifted off my shoulders. I... I... I feel happy! Kramer, I don't know how to thank you!

Well, I'll think of something.

People are going to steal from you. You can't stop them. But, everybody has their own little personal security things. Things that they think will foil the crooks, you know? In your own mind, right? You go to the beach, go in the water, put your wallet in the sneaker, who's gonna know? What criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security? I tied a bow. They can't get through that. I put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker. They never look there. They check the heel, they move on.